WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XLI, Issue 284, 30 November 1910, Page 8

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

(By "OLD SALT.") Not having a. dictionary beside my bed, I cannot give 'the strict definitions of the words , "assumption" end "presumption," and co help to a better understanding of an incident which occurred the other day in the Wellington Supreme Court. In the football assault case, ■when the jury returned with a verdict of "Not Guilty," his Honor remarked, "I presume you assume that W. Wilson committed the assault?" The foreman: "We came to the conclusion that there was not sufficient evidence." Seeing that Ranji Wilson was the man charged, and that his brother was merely a witness in the matter, Sir Robert made a very nice choice of words when he attributed presumption to himself; most people ■would call it unqualified cheek. As a rule, when quotations are employed in this column, I make them as brief as is possible without destroying their sense. Upon this occasion I am going to ask for a little indulgence, for in the indiscriminate reading of weeks of enforced idleness, I have come across a truly purple patch, and it is really quite big enough to go round. On the first page of a magazine etory, called "Purple Eyes," ;by Captain Mathew, R.M.A. (I have to thank him for not keeping mc waiting for a thrill until I turned over), I read , : "The first death occurred soir-a time during the night of the seventeenth of July last. On the morning of the eighteenth the body of the ninth. I>uke of Barshire —clad only in his pyjamas, and showing no marks of violence—was found in the river Bebs•borough, come three miles from the castle. Ten mornings , later—on the twenty-eighth, to be exact —" (note, please, how coldly and remorselessly, yet how accurately, the detective deduces that date!) "the body of his eon, the tenth Duke, was found at the same spot in the river, and under identical cjrcumetances. Both these deaths, I may remark, were unhesitatingly attributed to suicide; indeed, there was nothing to suggest any other conclusion. But when eleven days later, on the seventh of August" (steady, Sherlock, your watch has fooled you there) "the body of the eleventh Duke was discovered at the came spot in the same garments." (What?) "Suspicions were aroused" (surely not!), "and on the eighteenth of August, when the twelfth Duke met the same fate, the newspapers spoke openly of foul play, and demanded a police inquiry." Under the circumstances, and if not a little premature, something of the sort does seem advisable, if not necessary; "but to resume "Now, it seeme ridiculous to suppose that four ■healthy men could, without a struggle be forced to walk three miles in their pyjamas in order to drown themselves;" (it does when one comes to think quietly about it) "and yet no other conclusion could be drawn. At least so thought the newspapers, for they at once ceased their clamouring, and allowed the mystery to be forgotten." To relieve the anxiety of my readers, I may tell them that the thirteenth Duke was saved from a ghastly death by the efforts of the astute detective, so the tally is still only four; but 1 want to propound a problem in rule of three. Given an average, like the author's, of four dukes a month, how long would it be before the House of Lords became extinct? "Mr. Augustine Birrell (Chief Secretary for Ireland) had his hat knocked over his eyes, and was severely kicked about the shins. His injuries will confine him to his bed for some weeks Several suffragettes were arrested. —(Pres3 Association telegram.) And these are the daughters of women who used to swoon over their embroidery frames, cover themselves with emotion when a lover came along, and burst into a flood of tears when he didn't! TEMI-aRA- MOTANTTJR! When Adam and Bye turned their backs n ' diSmay tUe ,OUd Slam It's a pound to a 'penny the first to beg Was P °Ue "man whose fair partner upset real estate. Since then she has petted, coerced, coaxee, and licked him, Made him toot the bill, with the devil He's taken*'lt smiling, poor unconscious victim. Gave up all he had, and gave her her • own way. But now she has given up mild moral suasion, Her left guards her rights when she starte fisticuffs; In these strenuous daye she but seeks the occasion To cheerfully mix It with ipolteemen or roughs. No more with love's glamour does she seek to blind him, But dext'rously bonnets the cause of her wrath; Too soon in life's race unplaced you will find him, For woman has spoken and bade man bo fo(u)rth.

So, on, on to victory, ruthless they're faring, Kicking at shins—who adored golden calves; Grimly in earnest, unspared and unsparing, How shall they take quarter who want equal halves?

Let us then share—at -a distance—elation, Cneer with the cheerful, pet those who ihave wept, Send them our love; but, please, no invitation, Some of the wrong-headed fools might accept.

It was just a simple little line; no prominence was given to it, and yet— what a wealth of suggestion it contained! "The Mongolia got away promptly to time, as is the way with the P. and 0. Co.'s boats (attention, please!) there being no trouble with the Lascar firemen." Now, honour to whom honour is due. There is no doubt but the aerang or native boatswain—leading hand, if you like—is the man who exacts obedience and enforces promptitude from the dusky stokehold crew; so why can we not put a few of these disciplinarians in our whitemanned ships? A crowd of Liverpool Irishmen would take kindly to advice and instruction from a native of the Portuguese East Indies—l don't like to say "Goa," it is too suggestive—and it would not be long before they "took to" their instructor. It is an experiment well worth trying (whenever there are a few serangs to spare), and, in proof of my willingness to help a good cause, I shall be glad to take care of any valuables belonging to the black crusaders until they apply for their return; or orders to collect their pay, which, in the event of them not returning, will be sent to the Blind Asylum, the inmates to get the money when they see it. I wonder if there is any money to be made out of philanthropy?

By the way, I was just about to be guilty of a discourtesy in neglecting to answer the letter of a correspondent. He writes: "How should the word 'publicist' be pronounced! Is the 'c' hard or soft?" I don't know.