MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLI, Issue 16, 16 July 1910, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

A MASTERPIECE ANYWAY. "Maud's hair is what you would call Titian, isn't it? :, "Well, Titian or imi-Titian." MORE EXPENSIVE. Blobba —"So he broke off the engagement, eh? Did she take it to heart?" Slobbs —"No, to Court." HARD TO PLEASE. Husband: "Darling, I am ■willing to acknowledge that you were right and I was wrong." Wife: ;i How can I have any respect for a man who is so weak?" CLEVER GIRL. Hoax: So young Golrox has taken a wife. What was her maiden name?" Joax: "Her maiden aim seems to have been to marry Golrorc, and she proved an unusually good shct for a woman." GETTESfG O?T. "My sweetheart," said little Elsie, "is going to be an admiral." "Indeed!" replied the visitor. "A cadet at present, I suppose?" "Oh, he hasn't got that far yet; but he's had an anchor tattooed on Ms arm." QUITE HANDY. "Now," said the wardsr to the forger, who had just arrived at the prison, "we'll set you to -work. What can you do best?" "Well, if you'll give mc a week's practice on your signature, I'll sign your official papers for you," said the prisoner. A YOUNG SAVAGE. "Ah, little boy," said the visiting lady, with a sigh,, "I am shocked to see so many youngsters around bcre with soiled faces. Don't you know we have promised to kiss every little boy who has a clean face ?" "That's why we are keeping them dirty, mum!" shouted the tough lad as he bolted down the alloy. SOLD AGAIN. The woman was lightly clad and evidently not too well off. "Have you no heart?" she asked. "None." The man's answer was gruff, almost harsh. "Nona whatever." "Absolutely none." "Then I guess you may give mc a pound of liver." TTME LIMIT FOR NSW COATS. At the end of the bs.ll one of the guests went into the cloak room at three o'clock in the morning, and the attendant came forward with a coat. " That isn't my coat," said the guest; " mine is a perfectly new one." " A now one ? Oh, I havent any new coats left after half-past twelve." THE REASON. "Please, sir," chimed in a companion, "we was playing marbles, and he's bin an' lost hie glass alley." "There, don't cry," exclaimed the old gentleman, kindly; "here's a penny; buy some more." But the tears continued to flow. "There, there," went on the benefactor. "I wouldn't cry any more, if I were you." "Y-e-e-s, yon yo-would," gasped the weeping one, "if you'd,"—sobs—"lost yer father's glass eye." NO TIME. " Excuse mc, sir," said the man in the row behind, " but would you mind asking your wife to remove her hat? I assure you I cannot see a thing on the stage." " I'd like to oblige you, sir, but it is impossible," said the man addressed. " We live out of town, and we must get home to-night." "What has that got to do with it?" "What has that got to do with it? Why, our train goes twenty minutes after the end of the performance, and it takes her an hour to put that 'hat on." A SLOW MARCH. A certain livery stable keeper would never let a horse go out without requesting the hirer not to drive fast. One day a young man called to get a turnout to attend a funeral. "Certainly," said the stabler; "but," he added, forgetting the solemn purpose for which the young man wanted the horse, "don't drive fast." "Why, just look here, old fejlah," said the somewhat excited young man, "I want you to understand that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!"

HIS TKOUBLES. Lady (collecting for jumble sale): "Ita what do you do with your old dottiest" Busy Artist (bluntly): "Wear Zeal" IT DIFFERS. "What's the most aggravating thing {j married life?" asked Dorothy. "fioae. time 3," said the bachelor friend, "it'i the husband, and sometimes it's the wife." TTTTC REASON WHY. "But, Mr Mainbrace, why do tier always call a ship 'she' V "Lor , , Miat you ehouldn't ask that ef you'd era tried to steer one." WE ALL KNOW HER. "What business did you say Hi» Gadie wa3 in?" "Oh, she's in eTtrybody's business." "Wholesale, ehV* ''Yes, except when it comes to a Wt 0} scandal. She retails that." ARRANGING IT. Irate Tailor (who has called frequenW to collect, -without success): "Jfy sir, I wish you'd make some definite arrangement with mc." The Man: "Why, surely—let's &e----well, suppose you call every Monday* SMART IDEA. Some little time ago an Irishman wig being shown the enormous saving Iβ could make if he used a certain land of stove. "Take this one," said the dealer, "and you wilj save at least half your coaL" "Begorra," was the reply, "then Til take a couple and saTe the lot! , '

" Say, Jocko, suppose you cany bm for awhile." ; . * Mr. Monkey: "Not on your tin-type!. I'm no organ grinder." "'-:; POOR FREDDY. " What are you crying about, Freddyr "I got licked twice to-day." " How was that?" " Teacher caned mc, an , I told dad, atf dad went up to thrash, the teacher, an , the teacher licked dad, an , dad C&gia home and walloped mc." WHO WOULD SWEAR. The manager of a music hall .was testing the abilities of a few candidates for stage honours, and this is how he let down one of the would-toe fanny men: "Your songs won't do for mc. I can't allow any profanity in my theatre," said he. "But I don't nse profanity," was the reply. "!No, said tie manager, bit the audience would." FOR WHOM HE PRAYED. A very nice and gentle minister accsjfed a call to a new church in a ton where many of the members bred hotsa and sometimes raced them. A few weeh later ho was asked to invite the prayeK of the- congregation for Lucy .Gray. Willingly and gladly he did so for three Sundays. On the fourth one of the deacons told 'tie minister Iβ need not do so any more. "Why?" asked the good man, witl an anxious look, "is she dead?" i "Oh, no," said the deacon. "She won the steeplechase." FAILURE. Among Mr. Carnegie's Scotch stories is one about a caddie of St. Andrews. j This caddie's wife —so Mr. Carnegie's story runs—was much troubled by her husband's loose way of life. He could never have a good day on the linka but he must end it with a wet night at the tavern. So, to cure him, the woman>7 in wait on the road one evening, dressed in a white sheet. When her husband appeared she arose from behind a hedge, an awful white figure with outstretched arms. "Who the de'il are you;" asked the intemperate caddie. "I'm auld Nickie," said the figure, U a hollow voice. "Gie's a shake o' yer hand, then," saio the tipsy caddie. "I'm married tae a sister o' yours. She'll be waitin'-for us up at the hoose, an' nae doot she'll ma* ye welcome."