MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 271, 13 November 1909, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

**Say, pop, what's the race problem?" "Picking the winners, my son." "They say 'baby looks just like mc." "Well, that's just what I wanted to say, but I was afraid you might be offended." "Remember, Ethel., you are a little girl, and you shouldn't try to do all the talking." "When will I be- old enough to, mamma?" Wilson—What a long, thin head Jimson has! Jilsbn—Hasn't he? Looks as if he had pushed it under a chest of drawers for a collar-button. "I see my finish," groaned the sandwich as the bank clerk reached for it across the lunch counter. "Yes," answered the mince pie, "and isn't it horrible ! You're to be bitten by an adder." Tourist—Look here. Your waiter has put down two bottles of wiae on my bill, and we only had one. Manager—Ah, pardon. The confounded echo of ze mountains has deceive ze waiter!" Mrs. Ferguson—George, what do yon have to do when you want to draw some money out of a bank? Mr. Ferguson—You have to put some money, in the bank beforehand. That's always been my experience. >Bobby—Nurse, I don't like this egg. Nurse—Nonsense; eat it up, and don't make a fuss. Bobby (after a great struggle with the egg, and half-crying)— Nurse, must I eat the beak as well? Sub-Editor—The street is all excitement. An electric light wire has ■blocked traffic, and no one knows whether, it is J a,liY.e l wire or not. Editor —Detail- two reporters to go to the wire immediately—one to feel it and the other to 'write the result. The . other-peoples-business man • persisted in trying to extract information from a prosperous-looking elderly man next him in a railway smoker. "How many people work in your office?" he asked. "Oh," said the elderly man, getting up and throwing away his cigar, "I should say, at a rough guess, about two-thirds of them." From the solemnity of a Sunday School comes this story. It was a girl who was conducting herself in a manner unedifying, and her teacher said severely, "Jane Smith, take that toffee out of your mouth and tuck your feet in." Information is desired as to what •the teacher should have done -when the class began to laugh. YIELD NOT TO TEMPTATION. "Love your neighbour as yourself," said the minister with great earnestness. "Thomas," whispered the lady who lived next door to a pretty young widow, "come away. This is ao place for you." SHOULD HAVE WAITED. The other morning an invoice clerk turned up at his office even later than usual. - His employer, tired of waiting for him, had himself gone about the work. The enraged merchant laid his pen aside very deliberately. "Mr. Jones," he said, "this will not do!" "No, sir," replied Jones, drawing off his* coat as he glanced over his employer's shoulder, "it will not. You have made these invoices out to the wrong people. Far better to have waited till I came!"

Customer—lt must be a frightful ra perience to run over anyone. Sale* man—But not with our car. We fit-'i|'j with the best shock absorber on thj market. Indignant Artist (after rather severe criticism) —You talk about apictnreJ! Why, man, you never painted one! Hobon earth do you expect to know tnfef Candid Friend—But, my dear friend;'! know a bad egg when I see it. aid T J never laid- one. Polite Shopman (showing goods)W Here is. something I would like to SB your attention to, madam; it istbe yirjr latest thing out. v Mrs. Rounder~ a |tti>i sently)—'lf there's anything than my husband, 111" take it, iToKjf" for a curiosity. Old Mr. Dadkin&—Ar-r-r—r! So I have caught you kissing my daughter have I? Young Mr. Cooley—l trrai there is no doubt about it,sir. ,! i4e light is quite dim, and I should feel vastly humiliated if it should turn on* that I had been kissing .the cook. '?' Grandchild (from town—to Gnu* father, -who has given her a pbny):?l suppose you went to a torse-shop md bought him?" Grandfather: "Well, not exactly.' I bought him from a friend." Grandchild: "Oh, I see^-*econd-iaiis

Didn't I tell yW-neveJl to come around here begging again"?":: "Yes'm, but I just thought dat K| drop around an' , ask you if you realljj meant it I" -. ' *■ (XHE CASUALTY. " : "Was everybody rescued from the burning bull ding V "Everybody but the nightwatchmaa, We couldn't waie him up." ' r ; SHAME!- . V^ps Why as-Harris so haggard? Why it Harris so.pale? Why do ids footetej< falter? Why does he look so stale! : ' : He has moved into new lodgings,.al the top of a seventh flight, jLnd-he'n wracked by relentless neighbours, Jffhg give him no prace at.night. - ",'; On one side a squalling and Txwlingn on the other "The Happy Zand." -Tat one has a grand baby, and the othd a baby grand! -j AX AWKWARD MISTAKE. / A married couple stood looking into i chop window. A handsome. tailor-mad# dress took the lady's fancy, and elw left her husband's side to examine ii more closely. Then she went fca«k ■to where ehe had been standing and tooh his arm. "You never look at anythau I want you.to look at!" she exclaimed. "You don't care how. I drees! You doni care "for mc now! Why, you haverfli kissed mc for three weeks!" "Indeed. 1 am sorry. It is not my fault, bu£i!ty misfortune!" said the man. Turning round she looked at him and gaspe4 She had taken "the arm. of the vnmj[ man. K-.-fit*,