WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 234, 30 September 1908, Page 6

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

.» By OLD SALT. To discuss matters electoral at such a time as this is to tread upon extremely delicate ground, but a friendly registrar of electors, having put a conundrum to mc, conveyed in the query, "What is a seaman?" it was incumbent upon mc to ascertain the opinion of a leading legal luminary light upon the subject An extract from the exhaustive decision given by the Solicitor-General readß:—"During the period between his discharge from one ship and his engagement on another, he is not a seaman." And when temporarily stranded ship-mates go to the pollingbooth, they may anticipate with confidence the receipt of a "pass out ticket" bearing some such endorsement as: — "Please note, you are not voting. The authority I'm quoting. Like Caesar's wife is far from sus-spi-clon; And note the reason, fellow. Like our ancient friend Qthello, You're not wanted 6lace your occupation's gone." I wonder if such a decision is responsible for the existence of so many long-shore-men, to use an old-time expression. And now to quote the song of one such:— "I'm longshore-man Billy, of Portsmouth Town, And a fine old skipper I be; I worries the lubbers as they comes down, To spend a few hours by the sea. With a slass to my eye, •Every ship 1 descry, From a 'P. and O. boat to a whaler. And yarn all the while. In true nautical style, And all think that Billy's a sailor. But I ain't no sailor bold, 1 never was upon the sea; If I chanced to fall therein, It's a fact I couldn't swim. And quickly at the bottom I should be. So give three hearty cheers. For the King and the King's 'navee,' With a hip-hoa-holly, A cheer for little Tolly, The ship* and the lads at sea!" There is some more of the song; but, after all, to one who has been down to this sea in ships, the discussion of the wrongs and rights of longshore-men does not lend itself to harmony. The Americana will go to astounding lengths in the effort to lie original; indeed, they frequently display in this direction that vaulting ambition which doth o'erleap itself, and become ridiculous. Perhaps "o'ersleep itself would be a more appropriate expression, for I read that their latest novelty consists in putting a girl to sleep and burying her for a space of three days. Mark that "girl," please—l don't mean literally—for purposes of identification: but take notice of her, re-mark her, in fact. Fair, fat, and forty never would. So long v time have tarried, 'Beneatli tbe dummy churchyard moulc, Particularly, if married. For fear the partner of her Joys, —Some husbands are such base 'uns— Micht wake her from her sleep, with noise Of monumental masons. A little learning is a dangerous thing, and, although the truth of this proverb is generally admitted, those items of news which so interest mc continue to be all too brief, as f'rinstance—"Sheeps horns provide the horses of Iceland with shoes." I suppose these benevolent animals, in their remote island, are lineal descendants of the "little black sheep" whom Kipling describes as having "gone astray," and no doubt they have "evoluted" into black-smith sheep. But— "but mc no huts!"—and that serves mc right for tinkering with a sheep's head! Here is an extremely interesting calculation from an Auckland paper:—"As many readers often time trains, it will interest them to know that 900 divided by the number of seconds the train occupies in travelling between any two quarter-mile posts will give the speed in miles per hour. To save calculations, the following table has been worked out." As the estimate, however, starts at an assumed speed of forty and finishes with only eighty miles an hour, it is not sufficiently progressive, and, upon second thoughts, I have determined to leave the calculation out, until I have had a go at it with decimals. A journey in the Helensville express will give mc opportunity—and time—to calculate, ruminate, and—expostulate. The advent of "The Little Breadwinner" reminds mc of a letter which appeared in these columns recently from a bread-maker, urging the advantage of day work over night work in bakeAs no response from the masters has yet appeared, I am tempted to exhort cur floury friends (it must be "self-raising" flour to keep the men up as it does), not to doughty deeds, but to "Stand firm, good men, the issue's In your keeping, A fairer dawn is 'rising' in the (y)East, No more to find you working, but sound sleeping. The yeast will still work on, when you're released!" Three Government candidates for one electorate seems rather an embarrassment of riches, but no hjss than three aspirants are nominated for the Hurunui seat, although it seems that the odds are rather more than two to one against Mr {Reitel, despite the attaining Act. This gentleman appears to be guilty of a breach himself, for. at the close of his meeting, he sent round the hat, to employ a colloquialism, for the purpoße of defraying his election expenses. If this is not a direct invitation to a game of "heads I win: tails you lose," there has never been one issued; but if the candid candidate when the next vote of confidence is put, count the heads or hands of his adherents, he will, with prophetic eye, see himself very much at the tail when the numbers go up. Fair play is bonny play all the world over, and it seems hardly fair to expect the immigrating Celestial to prove his erudition to the extent of reading aloud passages from Carlyle and John Stuart Mill to a critical Customs officer, as is done in Australia. They may have conscientious scruples to employing their time in such a frivolous and reprehensible manner, and when their champion comes along, we may expect reprisals unless we offer reciprocity: — "I not like them felly, But 'Malic Colelll" And Browning — I know 'em by heart; Him "Led Cotton Nightcap,' I not look for fight, chap. I think you seem jolly too smart. I not read your printin', I lun away sprintin'; Whah For, lauudry man, am my name. You custom man picket, Yon not lead this ticket, Not savee? You lun aU-e-Bamel" *.