MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 177, 25 July 1908, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"Darling!" cried the impassioned lover ■1 feel as if I were on fire!" Her fathei ame up in the nick of time, and pui rim out. Old Mr Bullion: "And are you sure, mi 3ear, that as my wife you will be happy V Miss Youngthing: "Oh, perfectly. I thinl it's simply heavenly to pay for things b: cheque I" Genial Clergyman (visiting the villag school): "Well, my little man. what d< you do in school all day?" The Mos Promising Pupil: "I wait till it's time t< get out, sir." "Why don't you do as you did whei you came home last night, John? *Ho\ Was that?" "Why, when I met you n the dark hallway you caught mc in you arms and kissed mc." "Gee! Was tna you? I thought—er—here you are! "I must confess," growled the dissatis fied tourist, "that I can't see why s< many people want to come here. Is. < scenery, no amusements, no good thing: to eat—absolutely no attractions! "Ah said the innkeeper, zei come because we 'ay ze gr-ran' label t< stick on ze luggage." A PLEASING PROSPECT. Freddie: "And now that we are en .ran-ed. dear, I must tell you that I hay, never kissed a girl before in my life. Kitty: "Good'gracious! Freddie, wna an awful lot of practice you'll want! ENGLISH AS SHE IS COMPREHENDEI Indian Babu: "Sir, I beg that you wil transfer mc from this place. I am home British Deputy Commissioner: "But ar I not correct in supposing that this l your home?" _ Indian Babu (with conviction): les sir, it is—and I am sick of it." "I think I'll appeal to this 'ere no Criminal Appeal Court," said the burgla who had just been sentenced. On wna wound f asked the warder. "Well, ye *cc " he replied, "that bloke who identi fied mc, 'c ; ad 'is 'cad under the bed clothes the whole time. 'E never mc." "Xow, look here," said the professo to the infuriated hull; "you are my su nerior in strength—l am your supeno in mind. Let us arbitrate this mattei ami see which should by right have tn better of the controversy." "Oh. no, replied the bull; "let's toss up for it. Later. —The professor lost. We hear much of the slackness of pa rental responsibility and the anarchi; tic tendencies of our youth. But it ma be hoped that the scornf-:l lad who wa overheard the other day is umqui "Billy " said hi? friend, "who's that ma with" your mother?" Billy lookec "That ?*That ain't a man," said he, "that : father." Old Gentleman (proposir? the health c the happy pair at the wedding breal fast) ■ "\nd as for the bridegroom, I ca speak with still more confidence of him, for I was present at his christening, 1 was present at the banquet given in honour of his coming of age, I am present here to-day, and I Trust l,may be spared to be present at his funeral." A young woman entered a hardware store" and°asked: "Have you got those things for improving a gas-light?" "Yes, madam." said the dealer. "Here is a complete set. fittings, chimney, and mantle " "Oh, I don't want the set!" said the woman. "I've got the metal part and the chimney, but the little white shirt is busted." A clergyman not long ago received the following notice regarding a marriage that was to take place at the parisl house:—"This is to give you notis that ] and Mis Jemima Arabella Brearly i<. com in , to your church on Saturday after noon nex' to undergo th-e operation o: matrimony at your hands. Please b; promp, as the cab is hired by the hour.' AT THE SALES. "Have you lost anything, madam?' asked the polite shop-walker of thi mquare-jawed, austere-looking shoppe: who stood before the "Lost and Found' window of the large city firm. "Yes sir," she replied, "I've lost a hundrei and fourteen pounds of husband, in : light brown suit, with black Derby hat small tuft of hair on its chin, and a fright ened look. I lost it in a crush at thi fancy goods counter. It's probably wan dering through the building in search o mc, and 1 thought perhaps you could fim it easier than I can. I want it on aecoun of a bundle it is carrying under its arm. HEAR, HEAR! When the question of Home Rule wa the talk of the moment some ten year or so ago, a well-known M.P., althougl not an Orangeman, distinguished hire self by his intense bitterness against hi fellow countrymen, the Irish. He was one of those "who threatened if Home Rule were carried, to rise i] armed rebellion against the establishes Government, and set all law ana orde at defiance. "I will shed the very last drop of m blood in defence of the Union," he es claimed, passionately, in the Cambridg ] Guildhall, with clenched fists raise aloft to the high heavens, "as I did ove a score of years ago in defence of til Irish Church!" The applause was terrific.

OUR NAVAL RESOURCES. The Australian fleet will accompany the American fleet into Sydney Harbour. —Item. The Admiral of the Fleet (to the chief : gunner) : "Here they come! Let o2 the gun." —"Bulletin. 5, A STATISTICAL ITEM. Wb Old Gent (reading statistics): "Good" Heavens! Just imagine it. Every time \ I breathe, a man dies." Nasty Person (opposite): '"Om. Wel^ try cloves." MIXED. Smith: "By Heavens, sir, that -was 4 dirty trick you played us last night." Brown: "Why, I put you each in j : . cab, gave the cabbies your addresses, and sent you home." 1 Jones: "Yes, but hang it, man, ytnt- : put us in the wrong cabs, and sent us ia.. ' the wrong homes." A young Scotch farmer lived at distance from his bride-elect. On the eventful day he set off for the station betimes, but he met one frienl' J after another, with the result that hi - missed his train. Naturally, he was.i : very much upset, and bethought himseit ,: of the telegraph. This was the message he seat: "Don't marry till I come.—William.* :

Chimmie: "Gimme a bite uv yer catidj; 1 cane, will yer?" I Eeginald: "With pleasure! You mejj, have all you can take in one'bite." *-, •

Chimmie: "I'll leave yer de Bi?ggrl Yer probably didn't know dat mc •■ ole man was a sword swallerer, amt taught mc de bizness! Here's how. , * ALMOST A LIE. "Good bordig," said the boarder with •;, bad cold. •'What!" cried the other boarders ilT'v surprise and also in unison, as they da» :• sisted from their burned oatmeal." Clearing his throat and blowing hfc, : ; nose vigorously, the boarder with thijpbad cold explained, somewhat wearily,'; that he had merely attempted pass the time of day. ';,- Whereupon the other boarders apolo** gised, saying: "We thought you 'good boarding.' " A SECRET WORTH KNOWING, j Stranger: "Beg pardon, sir, but yo*fe . have it in your power to do mc a great favour, and one that I will gladly re»v par." Bankrupt (sadly): "I? lam afraid yoeJS have made a mistake. I am of no usej. ■to anybody. I have just failed for hailH a million, with no assets. "So I heard." "You know it, and yet you say I canik i be of service to you?" 1 "Yes, sir. I beg you will not refuse." I "But what can a miserable bankrupt". ! like mc do for anyone?" j "I want you to tell mc, sir, how jo»: got so much credit?"