MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 153, 27 June 1908, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"Is she the kind of girl who would I eat her heart oat f* "Not at au> she's a;, vegetarian.''" ' , \ > No * man ever* worries half as much I about his inability to pay his debts as the; men he owes'do. y /;- ."You must be happy since your firm' has put you on a pension." "Yes, but I do miss looking forward to the annual vacation."". -'•:•' '.'.■; ,>>•-■-•.■«'""''; "If an empty barrel weighs ten pounds, what can you fill it witn to make it weigh seven pounds tf. "Have to give it up." "Fill it, full "of holes." ':■'■"-?.» ,r "Father, do all angels have wings?" "No,;.my-son, your mother t has none.".' And then she said sweetly, that he might go to the club if he wo Jdn*t stay late." j "I suppose - old Cashman has more money than he knows what to do with!" ■"Yes; but his wife ; arid.daughters ./are' ready to supply the needed information." ./, Crawford: ''How's that toy bank get-i iing along you gave your youngster?" Crabehaw: "Fine. •I. never find myself' out of car fare now.", , , •.-, ■„. ; ,' : ';! ■, Solemn -.Man: "Dp., you hear the clock slowly ticking? Do you know what day it is ever bringing nearer?" Cheerful Man: "Yes, pay-day." " ' ' . ?i "Todd, your wife has a voice-like velvet" "Don't talk so; loud. If she heard you I should have to get her a, new areas to match it" ■-. ■•"-•, (#■* , , Her Aunt: ?I wouldn't cry like that, Jean, if I were.you." Jean (aged six) : "You can cry ony wey you like, auntie,: but this is my wey." (Crying resumed.)' ,*,/* • " ' . : i '-'J Singleton: "I am feeling miserable, doctor. I (can't get my iriirid on my business, my appetite is gone,' and I. can't sleep. What would you advise mc to do!" Dr; Wise: the girL" Constable-"Don't cry, little,boy; I'D take you home." Little Boy;: "Thanks, Mr. Policeman. And would you mind puttin' handcuffs on mc so's people'.U think 'ITT really arrested V ' "I've come to give notice, ma'am." "Indeed!" "And would you give mc a good reference,- ma'am? I'm going' to Mrs. Kripperts', -across the way." "The best in the world, Maggie. I hate that woman." '"■'>".•'

Aseum: "How do you ever get a messenger boy tor deliver your note and bring back the answer so quickly?" Wise:' "I took his penny novel away from him and held it as security."

The Prosperous Person: "There is no occasion for yon to envy mc, my man: I have as many troubles as you." Dismal Dawson dare say you have, mister.. But the difficulty with mc is that J ain't got nothing else."; ,

Stranger: "My friend, why are you swearing so?* . ChissityV "Why? Because of a blank fool of a doctor." I got some pills for a pain in my back, and the directions read, 'Take one a half-hour before you feel tile pain coming: on.'*?

■_ Aegnaintarice- *"T**bii say yon-nave four boys and have named thetel all Wfllie. Why was thatr Father: "Because when we can 'Willie' at least one of them show up." * .r^™ WITH A PHOTOGRAPHThis picture isn't! very good V ', r, But, by and by,' perchance I should In justice to the artist add The subject, too, was pretty bad. ~";'. THE IWIitAR, '™£. "Sam, what would you do if you had a million dollarst 1 ? . .: - : .-'.;, -,*"*" "I'm sho' I dunno Wot I'd do ef I had a million dollahs," answered Sam; "but I know wot-I'd doef I, had two dollahs. Ive bin waitin' two '.yeans ter git married." - ..v. •■- ■ ~■_-?; ~ .-:;?; HE LOST- -NQ*n*D"NG. Harry's mother had given, him an apple, and told him -to peel it before he ate it: Returning to the room after a-few moment's absence, and seeing no peeling, she asked: ' . v

, "Did you peel your apple, HarryT" 1 "Yes," answered Harry. -:"•.:-■-.■ : .":• "What did you do with the peelinrsT" .she asked. -•, ... . ■-••?•- :. ■■■. -. >'■■ •) "Ate them"." .-■ ;;; " v ........

AN UNFORTUNATE COMBINATION.

Interpreter—Ah, ze.new shoos ,':'..,l|;

fc pay duty.; ..■',-.-/''.'*..: Virile Lady (who is conveying them to friend abroad)—Nongl nong! Je m .: pays par! They are not new. I've van. them! -.- Maria: ■■ '^What's. the. matter, Join Henry;-yon look depressed?" Josi Henry\'"lt's all right, my dear.' I Brown along/and>he, some more of what -his * Uttie boy{;h»4s| said, and I killed him." well, cheer up and come arid have soa* 1 tea." , -■:.'. ' ■'.->: '-,-*,-. "Z'zZ;:ZZ r a father to-his pit. cocious five-year-old son and heir,mother tells ine she gives you pennies ts: be good. Do you think'that-is;ngßtfj]S "Of: course it is,'?- replied Tohiiriy,: don't want mc to grow up and be geoj i ,- for nothing, do yon?" ; ,«•' ;. "Well,""remarked a: 'gentleman;-;'inwrp i. a 'long v argument; on the : I man's superiority; over Wonmri,:?at;iesj|P; there is one good, sweet; and-ipaifiSdj

thing which a man can have man cannot." "Never!" cried passionately. ."Never! ,1 deny it! do you mean?" "A wife!" r-',X'

■■". '•".-.-■.':'! ai.

I Two country, youths were on a visit: te'Ijondon. They went into the Britifc Museum and there .saw a-, innmmy, c*pr| which hung a card. On this was printef "B.C. 87." They were very■ one said: "What dost 'e.make-onitjißiUM "Well," said Bill, "I should say it wej| number o't' motor car as killed him. M -»» "Tit-Bits." * ■ _: ' : " ; . "' ' /| FOR HIS OWN GOOD. \ | A man; entered' an ice-cream' parlour, on a "street which' shall be namrlw, arid ate bis, portion of vamfia slowly aat thoughtfully. While paying the casfc« ier, he said, quietly:— '' - '. "I notice, yon advirtise that you matt your own ice-cream." (•■• .""Tea." ' ',f$ "I>t mc. giyd you a pointer-whfchwnl -help- your trade amaringly." "Well?" curiously: '-- "' ! * J .:; : ( "Get/'-, said the man*- blandly, "son* other fellow to make it." - AND SO SHE WENT: C" "My dear," said, a gentleman te Ml newly-married wife, "where did all those books on astrenqmyl. on* the library table come from ? They are not ours." ':;/';>: I I "A-pleasant little surprise -for yoo," • responded : the" lady. You know, ;d«Hi; you said this .morning;'thai we' ought to study astronomy;-arid soi rwerittf: j the; -bookseller's .'-'-Sad bought'everything I could on the' subjects" ■ " * ' I It was some-minutes before he spoke. "My dear," he then "said, slowlyy Ms I voice husky with emotion,' *T'never said we 'must study 'astronomy/ must' study economy." . ".,/;?'„ L : ''.