MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 129, 30 May 1908, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Student—"Something is preying on my mind." Professor —"It must be very hungry." The leading lady is a girl With an ungrateful, heart; We've noticed that she's never glad When someone takes her part. "He's not the man to stand idly by when a fellow-man needs assistance- He immediately gets busy and tells the mere bystanders what to do." Whenever I see a man Write his name upon the glass, I know he owns a diamond, i And his father owns an ass! The Bore —"My wife, sir, made mc what I am." The Brute—"Damn nasty thing to say about the poor woman, anyway!" She—"l always think of motoring as the poetry of motion.*' He—"Yes, until the machine breaks down; then it becomes blank verse." "I am afraid, George," said his fiancee, "that you are going from bad to worse." "Quite a coincidence," muttered George; "that's what Clara said when I threw her over for you." Stringy Bark —"Here, mister, I want mc money back. Them pills ain't no good. I took ton of 'em. and they done mc no harm in the world." His wife (writing): "Which is proper, 'disillusioned' or "disillusionised?'" Her husband. "Oh, just say, 'married,' and let it go at that." Melancholy Widow —"And if your husband was to die, would you pray for 'iru?" Sprightly Matron—"Oh. I suppose so! Anyway, if not for him, for another!" The meanest man we ever know Was Arthur Aaron Spence, He wouldn't even tell a tale, When at his own expense. "What can I bring you to-day, sir?" "I hardly know. The doctor says I. need carbohydrates and porteids, and I want something nitrogenous. I think." "Yes, sir. How about hash?" Postman —"Bad luck. Mr. Doolan! Hero's a black-edged letter for you." Labourer—"Begob! It's mc poor bhrother do-ad. Oi'd know his hand-writin' annywhere." Xieeo—'l shouldn"t like to be a farmer's daughter, There isn't enough variety in the life." Uncle Giles—"Not enouph variety! Wliy, there's a new kind of insect that destroys our crop every year." ■'Ach!' , said Count Lunnesls. "ze English languages pcs vare funny. Las' night 1 hoard n man ask ze bartender fur "zo same.' an' he gafe him some visky. To-day 1 ask him for *ze same' an' ho gif mc lemonade. Yot is "z? samp'?"' •'Well. Mabel, and what did you learn at school to-day?" -1 learnt all about your mongoose, grandpapa!" "Ah! *Xow, how do you spell •mongoose?'"' "Oh, grandpapa. I don't believe it was tha mongoo.-e at all— no. it was the rat!" Lord Lewson: "Why. Pat. there used to bp two windmills there.' , Pat: "'Thruo for you. sir." Lord Lewson: "'Why is there liut one now? 7 ' Pat: "Bedad. they took one down to lave more wind for t'other."' '"You lovod her very much?" "So much that, when her first husband died, I marripd her that 1 might share her grief, aiid so lossen it." "And how did it work?' , "I'm sorrier now for his death than she i=!"' "I have sont hack the mangle I bought of you last vvook." said a man. entering an ironmonger's establishment. "You said you would return my money if it wasn't satisfactory."' "Yos. that's what I said." replied the proprietor: "but I assure you the money was satisfactory in every respect." JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE. Here is a genuine case of professional pride. A millionaire caftleman led a visitor into his library, a great room lined with thousands of volumes. "See them books?" said he. "Yes." said his visitor. ""Thoy'ro nil bound in calf, ain't they?' , ■"'Yes," the visitor agTeed. "They scv>m to have a uniform binding. The millionaire swelled proudly. "Well, sir." said he, "I raised all them calves myself.' .

Tlie young girl's air was pensive. "To. morrow," she said, "Reginald will con. duct mc to the altar. There," she added, smilingly, "his leadership will end." "Papa, what is a safety match?" Mr Henpecked (looking carefully about to sec if his wife is within hearing) "x safety match, son, is when a bald-head- : ed man marries an armless woman!" The lady leant far o'er the ship. Said she, "I do believe I've found out what they mean whea they Talk of the 'curse of 'cave!'" "You admire the weather out here?" interrogated the old settler. \ " "I admire its nerve," whispered the hen-pecked man. with a quick glance over his shoulder. "Its nerve?" "Yes, it disagreed with my wife."

The Vanquished one: "But your* twice my size." " I'll give you two chances, then. Stand up again." "Will you please tell your mother that the washing is not satisfactory?" said a lady who had her laundering done by elbow work alone. "Muwer's away," was the reply of the lad. "Well, who does the washing when your mother's away?" '"Farver and anuwer gentleman!" "This is an age of steel," said the after* dinner speaker. •'Permit mc to suggest." interrupted the chairman courteously, "that for £he benefit of the reporters present you spell that last word." The following appeared in a provincial newspaper: "Whereas, John Hall has fraudulently taken away several articles of wearing apparel without my knowledge, this is therefore to inform him that if he does not forthwith return same his name shall be made public." ■' Burglar: "If you move, you're a dead man." Professor Staples: "Allow mc to remark, my good man, that your statement is absurd. If I move, it is an excellent proof that I am alive, and not a dead man. I should advise you to consider the meaning of words before using; them." ' " A MATTER OF INTERPRETATION. At the close of their usual dinner* time argument, Mr Johnsou looked a£ his wife admiringly. ' — "My dear," he said, "your mind resembles the wireless telegraph apparatus, which they use in the Navy." '•Yes?" she asked, flattered. "Yon mean because it catches subtle flashes from the surrounding ether?" "No, my dear. Because it is oftea completely at sea." PAYABLE AT SIGHT. Collector: "I've motioned to the oU man three times and he pretends not to see now. Now, I'm going to present this bill in the presence of hia friends. ■' Office Boy: "Aw, you chump! He can't see you—don't you know he's blind? - ' Collector: "Blind! Then, by George, he's got me —this is payable at si^ht." CHRISTENING THE BABY. A parson thought it ahnrrd that a workman's wife should wish to christen her child "Laura Winifred Gwendolyn Genevieve." "My good ■woman, what a ridiculously lonjr and fanciful name!" he protested. "Why not choose something simpler? Sarah, for instance. That is my own wife's name." "Ah, yes, Sarah's all very well for * parson's wife, but I hope my little gal '11 look a bit higher than that," answered the woman readily. The astonished parson thereupon performed the ceremony without further comment.