MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 70, 21 March 1908, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Johnny: , "What's silence, Freddy!" Freddy: "It?s what you don't hear when you listen." "Doctor, ray wife runs to .extremes." "How's that?" "She has a hot temper and cold feet!" "I'm going over to the barber's shop to get a hair cut." "Why don't you get them all cut while you are at it?" Sunday School Teacher: "Who can tell mc the meaning of the word 'repentance' ?" (A pause.) Sunday School Teacher: "What is it that we feel after we have done something wrong?" Little Willie: "Papa's slipper." Peggy: "Was that p'licernan ever a little baby, mother?" Mother: "Why, yes, dear." Peggy . (thoughtfully): "I don't b'lieve I've seen a baby p'liceman." An Irishman, slipping his arm round his sweetheart's waist for the first time, said: "Biddy, how am I progressing?" Biddy: "Troth, Barney, and ye're holding yer own!" Mrs. Brown: "How do you manage to persuade jour husband to buy you such expensive bonnets 1" Mrs. Jones: "I take him shopping with mc, walk him about until he can't stand, and then wind him up in a bonnet shop. Hell buy anything to get home." Mutually Pleased.—-"Jane," floated downward a voice, "if that is Mrs. Soandso, I'm not in." "It is Mrs. Soandso," floated upward a voice, "and sh 's glad to hear it." The manager: "How many children have you, Pat?" Employee: "Siven, sir." "Why, you have quite a family to support." "Faith, an' Oi have, sir; an' if they all didn't aim their own livin' Oi couldn't do \z at all." A MELANCHOLY ROMANCE. Sad were the waves when he wooed her; Sad was her first batch of bread; Sad were his thoughts on the morning Sad irons she threw at Ms head. DIPLOMATIC TOMMY. Tommy had just returned from a visit. " And were you good all the time you were there?" asked Tommy's mother. " Yes, ma'am." " And you had a good time, and they were awfully nice to you, weren't they?" "Ye-es, ma'am, purty nice. Only that Smith kid'hit mc with a chunk of coal yisterday. But I paid 'm back, all right. I hit him with a rock the day before." NOT A MASTEBPIECE. A Scotch labouring man who had married a rich widow, exceptional for her plainness, was accosted by his employer. " Well, Thomas," he said, " I hear yon are married. What sort; oi a wue have you got? " " Weel, sir," was the response, " she's ' the Creator's handiwork, but I' canna say shes' His masterpiece." WON HIS PARDON. A gentleman who discovered that he was standing on a lady's train had the presence of mind to remark: " Though I may not have the power to draw an angel from the skies, I have pinned one to the earth." The lady excused him. DIDN'T OWN IT.* , " I have come all the way out here," ( said the tenderfoot, " to see your beautiful sunset." " Somebody's been stringing you, stranger," replied Arizona AL "It ain't mine." i EXPERT OPINION. ! " I like to hear your wife talk," remarked the visitor. " She has such liquid tones, as it were." '•You bet she has," rejoined the husband. "Her talk simply drowns every other sound." FINALLY FIXED. "That clock's so erratic," complained Mrs. Subbubs. "Day before yesterday it was fast, yesterday it was slow, and to-day it seems to have stopped altogether. I thought you were going to fix it." "I did fix it," replied her husband. "But it isn't going at all." "I know. I fixed it so it couldn't fool anybody any more." NOTHING IN IT FOR SANDY. An English tourist came upon a farmhouse in a remote glen. "How delightful to live on this solitary spot!" he remarked to the farmer. "I'm not so sure about that, sir," replied the farmer. "Hoo wad ye like to hae to gang fifteen miles for a glass o' whisky?" "Oh," said the tourist, "but you could keep a bottle." --*<; farmer shook his head. "Ah. man," he said, seriouEly, "whisky 5 !! not

One of Them.—Book Agent- "iw ' morning! Are you the lady of+h house ? » Bridget: "I'm WV 4^ Nobody Home.—Agents "Is the W of the house in, sonny f Boy- «jj- 0 . there's nobody home but mc "father "^* Mrs. Knicker: "Is Mrs. Amos a well, informed woman?" Mrs. Bocker-"'ry indeed; her cook has lived with "all other families in the neighbourhood She (sternlyV- "What -was that noi« I heard in the hall early this morafeS when you came in?" He (hastily) r«g must have been the day breaking" rZ darling." *• "V, "I am very sorry to hear, Captain Sal. ter, that your wife left you sVZeenC moniously." "My mistake, sir. J. toot her for a mate and she proved to l» f skipper." * Both Objectionable.—Towne-i "TW ! are two felloes I hate to play pobS with, Meanley and Kraft." Browne? '<o« J. know Kearney's always a hard'loser but what's wrong with Kraft?" Townea "He's always an. asy winner." \ His fiancee: Oh, yes, it's lovely \xsaff engaged to you, Jack; but still, I do -mS, you were a rich man, dear. He: How rich, darling? His fiancee: Oh, rich enough for ffle to be able to snub the people I detest and still have them call mc amiable! Ames, who has recently developed s fad for fowl, had been showing Jones W model yard, with Tts sanitary houses and glassy run. "1 don't think it, could be bettered," he said, with modest pride, "Can you suggest any improvement in my henhouses?" "No," Jones replied. "I can think -ot nothing, except a library." . * UNSATISFACTORY.' Hyker: Troubled with indigestion, ehj You should drink a cup of hot wate* every morning. Pyker: I do, but they call it coffee at my boarding house. '" NEIGHBOURLY COBDIAIdTT. Mrs. Gadder (risnig to depart): WelL you must come and call on mc some das! It's your turn now. - ** Mrs. Chillicon-Kearney: Yes; I thinfc it has been my turn for the last five oe six times, hasn't it? , LEFT AS FOUND/ ..-. . Landlord: Remember that you agreed to leave the tenement in the same con. dition in which you found it. - : Tenant: All right, I understand;that the man who occupied it before I did left owing three months' rent. . '■' A FRIEND^T-TIP. Peckem: You are not married yet, are you? i Youngbach: No, but I'm engaged, and that's as good as being married. • Peckem: Say, it's a whole lot better i| you only knew it. • , C ... $£ SMOKER. ..,;» The Bishop of London at ai dinner ia Washington ■ told- a story, i aa- the cigars came on, about one his predeeessora. " When Dr. Creighton was Bishop of London, 5, he said, "he rode on a; traia one day with a small, meek curate. " Dr. Creighton, an ardent lover of to-> bacco, soon took out his cigar case, and ■ftith a smile he said : " ' You dont mind my smoking, I enp» pose?' . . " The meek, pale little curate and answered humbly: ■■-.' '.„■;,_ '■' Not if your lordship doesn't miT»| ny being sick.'" —Kansas City Journal.