MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 256, 26 October 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Eve had the best husband in the world —at that time. If there is a woman loves more than a man it is some other man. Learned Later. —Papa: I never told lies when I was a boy, Willie. Willie: When did you begin, papa? A dying humorist requested that no one should be invited to his funeral, as it was a civility he could never repay. Mother: Whatever are you doing to poor dolly, child? Child: I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy. I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out. The wife (during a quarrel) : I'm going right home "to mother, so there. The husband: That's right, dear, of two evils always choose the less. Please don't bring mother here. THE ETERNAL MASCULINE AND FEMININE.

Tommy: Ma, baby is naughty. He cried because I wouldn't give him any of rrn - cake. Mamma: Is his own cake finished? Tommy: ifes, ma; and he cried while 1 was eating that, too. Little Edna: What is "leisure," mama? Mama: It's the spare time a woman has in which she can do some other kind of work, my dear. Mistress: You will be sure and not leave the spoon and fork in the salad, won't you, Jane? Jane: Of course, mum! V\ c don't want no one to catch pantomime poisoning! "Dear father." wrote a youngster of twelve, "we are all well and happy The baby has grown ever so much, and has a great deal more sense than he used to have. Hoping the same of you, I remain your affectionate son, James." APPEARANCES DECEPTIVE. One morning a man looked over his garden wall and said to his neighbour:— "Hey, what are you burying in that hole?" "Oh," he said, "I'm just replanting some of my seeds, that's all." "Seeds!" shouted the first man. angrily. "It looks more like one of my hens." "Oh. that's all right," the other returned. "The seeds are inside."

"Is Mrs Wise at horn,»?'> • Chatters, standing inTe ** doorway. "I don't ° ! tte plied the .servant. "I ca 1' "ftfr" re. a bettor look at ye. If i>1 U l«* the side ? coast): And how lif ""f * the Brown ? Mrs Brown? WeU much of the scenery, buY the £ *' very comfortable, and the *" most sympathetic woman? SteWardess ». "No, Henry," said the fair eirl -t never be yours." "Then thU ;i m for ever," remarked He n £ r his knees and lifting his h™ g 4 ° m Henry," cried the maiden in j≥ ! x,ow nasty you are. You ari.be S" you know;' And it was all right. ' Golfer (who rather fancies himself)I suppose you've been 'round the fc with worse players than mc, eh? m! caddie takes no notice.) Golfer" (in hi! oudest voice): I say I suppose been 'round the links with worse players than mc, eh ? Caddie: I heard vena w«d what ye said. I'm just thinkin': aboofc it. NICE BOY. "Will you please open this gate for mc?" said a youngster to a gentleman who was passing along, a otreet in a sul> urb of London. The gentleman did bo Then he saiu, kindly. "Why, my boy couldn't you opeii the gate for yourselfP "Because," said the youngster, "the paint's not dry yet. Look at your knds. ,, A STORY OF JUDGE GRANTHAM. Before he became a Judge, Justice Grantham was a well-known political speaker. Once a man shouted, - "Ita a lie!" to everything he said, Mr Grantham went on for some time,.and thea rapped out, suddenly, "Yotfre a gentleman." "It's a lie!" burst out the man, amidst the roars of the audience. ' A CHANGE FOR THE WOESE. A census taker made his rounds in an isolated village. He gave tine -of his official papers to a woman that she might fill in the required answers. • One of the questions, instead of reading "Married or single,",had it "Condition as to marriage." The woman filled in the answer thus—"Awful hard up fore. Wuss after." ■ - '•■■. ;•■ A MISUNDERSTOOD REPROOF. The other day a clergyman got in a railway compartment in which was a miner. The latter, who had, a large bottle of whisky, was continually having a drink out of it, till the clergyman could stand it no longer. , "My good man," said he, "I have lived forty years of my life, and never a shilling have I spent on that stuff." "Ay, noo," saiu the miner, vigorously putting the cork in and placing the bottle in his pocket; "weel, don't think you are gannin , te sponge onny-off me!"..- ■'■' the 1 early; :bikd.;'■;' Bishop Brewster of Connecticut is noted for his funny stories, and hia latest is said to be about an old reprobate who decided to repent, and announced to every one that Whatever wrong he had done should be made right. So a man whom he had cheated out of a large sum of money went around at midnight to demand it. "But what did you come at this hour for, and wake mc up? Why not wait till to-morrow?" said the old sinner, crossly. "I' came now," replied the man, "to avoid the rush." . .'', THE MODERN AGITATOR . Oh, he preached i<; from the housetops, and he whispered it by stealth, He wrote whole miles of stuff against the awful curse of wealth, *;'■ He shouted for the poor man, and he j called the rich man down; He roasted every King and Queen who dared to wear a crown. . He clamoured for rebellion, and he said he'd lead a band To exterminate the millionaires and sweep uiem off the land.. ' He yelled against monopolists," their power he'd defy, And swore he'd be an Anarchist, and blow them to the sky. ■ He stormed, he fumed, and' ranted till he made the rich men wince. But an uncle left him money, and he hasn't shouted since. ■ ..-'..