MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 172, 20 July 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

The great problem of to ventilate or not

Truth crushed to earth will rise again —-if the politicians will get off and give it a chance.

Talkative Lady: "Ten years ago I had a serious illness, and the doctor was afraid I would lose my mind." Her Friend: "And did you?"

"Woman, as a rule, generally gains her point, but in one instance she always fails." "When is that?" "When she sharpens a lead pencil."

"It's a good thing," said Uncle Ehen, "dat everybody's taste ain't de same. If de was dar wouldn't be enough chicken an' water-melon to go roun'."

She: "Mr Bloom does net pay his wife much attention." He: "No; the only time I ever knew of his going out with her was once when the gas exploded."

Jackson: "No, I never take the newspaper home. I've got a family of grownup daughters, you know." Friend: "Papers too full of crime, eh?" Jackson: "No, too full of bargain sales."

Cholmondeley: "You and your ■ sister are twins, are you not!" "We were when we were children. Now, however, she is five years younger than

to ventilate, which is .alwajt-^tV^; t "You understand," said.;. "that we want a, secretary: whq is thor. oughly accustomed to; "In that case,", answered': the ikpWjdwt sadly; "I'm afraid -it's not tfiVJou.-tut but-my wife." .y-- .;"=-' ..'."?.;•'• . Wife: "You say. ybii "s'_ot:.th'e idni yourself, John? T .can'find'ho" marks on it." Husband (who hadTnot thought of that): "Well—er—my dear,'the"bird wis very high up, you', know,"and' perhta the fall kUled;it." .?-,';.-:;:-^" They had been engaged :for minutes by the .cuckoo;clock, .vi.hare a surprise in store for you.; Alfred. dear," she said. "I can.cook as'weu-aail.cia play the piano-''.. ; tliß;_we l darling," he.replied, ."it •iFilr-bfctfeifor us to board but.". . ' '■'■ ''■'■}'*\ ' ; -Country Girl: "Hoo,,]ang d_Jes it talc* to get yer picter ta'en?" P_otpgra_»h"eij "Oh, I'll give you a dozen in-tWo-days," Country, Girl": 'Wery "well, ye.ai .tatf my measure, iV,th£:j.o'o_.,a^'''> i pil'comi'. back the day after th^ f fori thi picters." . ~.-,._'..-.V.'. .;'■. \ '*; Miss Tartan: "At r "the' f next;;#wtfi_ of the club we: are-'to h"av&- the-' atricals. You are. to. have.; a-thinking part." ,Mr Simpleton: .'ls there no other " Miss Tartan. "Oh,/you'ra not really, expected to think, you know! You will only need to look-as ifyoa were domg it!" ' '"*"' , . FINE. " / "Ah!" exclaimed the --irate. ;fatier. "how i 3 it I catch you";kissing mj( daughter, sir ? Answer' mc,; sir 1" li>% is it?" - . >'.'.:, ; : "Fine, sir; fine, indeeul'Vieplied tt« young man. ~.:--.-..-;:

Wife: "Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat what would you say?" Husband: "I would call him an ass." Wife: "Then don't sit on it any longer, there's a dear." "Hi!" shouted the rich man, peering cautiously over the stairway. "I want you!" "Well," chuckled the burglar, reaching for the silver, "I'm at your service, sir!" '

WASN'T THERB^/... Lawyer: "Well, what was done IB the interim?'.' . '■ Witness:' "I .don't kno«r»ir. I didn't go into the I •-staid- ia the anteroom." ~ - '.~" LOVE'S ANSWER. "Can you cook, .darling he* fiance, eagerly, "for. he was .nor Groesus., "Can I cook?" she .sneered.-,, 'T)o you suppose I'd." be. silly enough to' r niarrj. a poor clerk if.l could' make forty^dollars a; nionth and* my • board?" ." v'; ' '.-■ 57- y '- .....* THE KANGAROO. . ..-: -^ • "I didn't get to the field/ sportrta time," said the hare; "Was there itrrjthing interesting?" : -,; ,„.. ; .•-•'- "Yes," replied. the;torto|ae,:"that big Australian champion, broke the: record in the lOOyfrjump." - - ■:.'Z...^-"■•'-A- REACH. "Was your expedition a;raccessJT-'_.' "Entirely so," answered- the '..AjrefiJ explorer. •"■-""•:£,. jtou didn't' iteach the c Nona Pole." " '.''... •"'". - _ "No; but I reached .the cditdrß:.»na the readers." .. : i joyous. _..r_ Visitor (to artist's wife):' "Whatever were you two laughing over so Jul* now?" ""'. . it was such fun! Myhni> hand painted and I cooked, and then *• both guessed what the things wera meant for." .'.""''

Lady: "Are you sure this stuff won't fade?" Shopman: "Fade! Not at all, ma'am. It's been in the window for two years now, and you see it's not a bit the .worse."

Physician's Wife: "I shall soon be wanting a new evening dress, dear." Physician: "All right, my dear, I'll look over my list and find some fellow who can afford an operation for apendicitis.".

Visitor (in small town where a fire has broken out): "But why does not the fire-engine come?" Native: "Because' this is the day they always have a big practice in the square, so they can't."- *

Star Actor: "I must insist, Mr Stager, on having real food in the banquet scene." Manager: "Very well, then, if you insist on that you -will be supplied with real poison in the death .scene."

Brown (sobbing): "The deceased was so kind, so noble, so good-hearted!" Friend: "But I hear she cut off her own family without a penny,'and left everything to a distant connection." Brown: "Yes; I'm the distant connection."

He was an inspector on the trams. He was also one of that sort that would do all he could to -get you hanged. But this time he met with a reverse. "Have you taken all the fares?" he asked of the conductor. "No, sir. One man refuses to take a ticket." "And who is that?" he asked, gazing at all the occupants of the car. "The driver," was the reply.

In America it is. a common practice for husbands to accompany their wives on shopping expeditions. The. artist gaf- ■, gests the establishment of a department where husbands may be left on such occasions. When husbands have more leisure, and the practice of going shopping with the wife becomes more general, we may expect something like the abore during such periods of shopping as the last sale week.. ......