MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 166, 13 July 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

«rcr ii «. i r D ° £T consider a chauffeur worth £10 a month? ' ',? "Well, the last one I had ran away with my wife, and you knew my

She laid her cheek on the easy-chair against ids head and murmured: "How I do love to rest my head against your head, Augustus." "Do yo\i?" said he. "Is it because you love mc?" "No; because it is so nice and soft." Mr Green (who has been listening to Mr Brown's account of a trip round the coast): "And how did you like" it, Mis Brown?" Mrs Brown: "Well, I see very much of the scenery, but (.he cabin was very comfortable, and the stewardess a most sympathetic woman."

Nodd: "You say your baby doesn't walk yet? Mine does. Same age, too. Your baby cut his teeth yet?" Todd: "No."' Nodd: "Mine has—ail of them. Your baby talk?" Todd: "Not yet. Can yours?" Nodd: "Great Scott, yes!" Todd (desperately): "Does he shave himself or go to a barber's?"

"What's the matter across the way?" asked the tailor of a bystander, as the ambulance backed up to the door of his rival. _ " .. "A customer fell into a fit, and they are taking him to the hospital," was the reply , . f "That's strange," said the tailor. "1 never knew a customer to get a fit in that establishment before." BEYOND HIS KEN. A well-to-do farmer, who had sent his son to London to begin lifo as a clerk, wrote to the merchant in whose employ he was, asking how the boy was getting along, and where, hs slept nights. The merchant replied: "He sleeps in the store in the daytime. I don't know where he sleeps at night." WARRANTED SUSPICION. A countryman went to London on a Holiday, when on passing a picture gallery, he noticed the intimation, "Admission Free." Thinking this would suit him he entered with great caution. An official came forward, saying, "I'll take your umbrella, sir." "Oh, wul ye," said the countryman. "A thocht it was a swindle o' some kind," and he went out in haste, holding his umbrella firmly in his hand. MARK TWAIN'S SUBSTITUTE. Mark Twain tells an amusing story about an appointment to lecture which lie was unable to keep. A temperance lecturer was invited at the last moment to fill his place. The audience did not I know Mark Twain by sight, and cheered i so loudly when his substitute appeared j that they did not catch the explanation. As they expected to be amused they greeted the unfortunate lecturer's remarks with laughter directly he began to speak. " Intemperance," he said, "is the curse of this country." The audience seemed so* much amused that the unhappy man felt his tie, and looked himself over to see what was tlie cause of their mirth. '" Rum slays more than disease," he went on, and the laughter grew louder. "We must crush the serpent." The, audience by this time were rocking to and fro, and at last the indignant substitute rushed out of the ball, shaking his fists at the crowd.

An industrious mechanic-(SnjjHii i> self in personal expenditurc-itt^i 1 ? , purchase a piano for his two'taX He was asked hew his ated the gift. "Well," i,^ ,1 ! hardly know. They appearedto be % ed enough, but the first ed was -Everybody Worksj'Stt^^ i AN AWK WARD SLO;-: I A fashionable hostess grteteif£»,»,, i man at a dance. ■•'. >i>; }^» '•So glad to see you," she said. "Bnt where is your brother? Whrdldtfli2 come, too?" -_..-'..■:"•"-.•■ ■'He conldin't," the voune- ma'-L. plained '-Only one of.us bo we tossed up for if: '-■'.''•> "Tossed up! How delfehtfrljf the hostess. "And you -', The young man absently: :-': .' ■ w "No; I lost." STRICT SABBATARIANS. An English lady, while travelline in the North of Scotland, spent a% days in the house of a Scotsman bf the old type. "Dear mc, Mr Maileodi" she said one Sunday errand took her to the parlour;:'irSete Hie family sat, "I should think yoiiha-yonr wife would be stifled sitting'indteis this hot day with the windows-shut if you'd just open one and get'soift feesk air, I'm sure it would do Slrs-a&deoi - good; she looks pale."' The.cli mm looked at her with a stem.facel "We can hae fresh air ony iiyf , said, calmly. "We've no need to. hae it rushing aboot tfee house on the .Sawbath." ACCO3CUODATING YOtjm. A shopkeeper was very displ?asjed with, a certain youth for the. Wj' in":which he served his customers. One'day' he. said to him: "Stand aside and waidi mc while I serve this"la : dy."' : ;.",,, 'A few mgauies affcer/;%,-f£sjj"r«s, madam, this - silk is "exceedingly*' good, but owing- to- the scarcity of gilkwotmJ it has gone up in price." ' .; r, ' 7 The youth, who was watching intently, and who wished to please -Sife master, said to the next customer: ■ :

■"Yes, madam, this tape is vjiy gooii, but owing to the scarcity of tapeworms it has gone up in price." ■ -r'

HE HEARD TOO MUCH."' . The public is invited to sympathise; ■with a quiet and retiring citizen, who occupied a seat near the door of a.'crowded tramway car when a masterful woman entered. Having no newspaper be-, hind which to hide, he was fixed and subjugated by her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her.' ;'Scat-, ing herself—without thanking- "hint- &* exclaimed in tones that reached" to the farthest end of the car "What do yo" want to stand up there for? GoriW'lieK and sit on my lap." "Madam," g»sp~ the man, as his face became scarlet, "I —I fear I ana not deserving of'sw&jui honour." '""What do you mean?" shri*' ed the woman. "You know very-iweltl was speaking to my niece theTß-'Wo™ you." '' ''i •'■