WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 163, 10 July 1907, Page 6

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

(By Old Salt.)

To urge that, in the oft-quoted line from Shakespeare, anent the rose, the word "sweet" should be rendered "sweetly" to conform to the rules of English grammar, appears to mc ridiculous, rather than pedantic—as declared by a writer in a contemporary. To say that a rose smells sweetly argues activity in, and the possession of, olfactory organs by the rose. To say that a woman looks sweet is as usual in expression as the fact is in evidence; bnt to say that she looks "sweetly" is tc presunle a favour from her that was never intended. It would be absurd to multiply instances in which an adjective may be used as an adverb without change in its form, since such occur—and correctly—in every-day conversation. "My tea tastes too sweetly!" or "The moon rides highly in the skies!"

To be unable to open one's mouth without putting one's foot in it is a condition fortunately rare. Let mc warn any didactic reader against digging, with his lips, a pitfall for his feet, and point my warning with an illustration—

Professor Dialectics had A favourite hobby-horse. Which, as these strange beasts will "tho' ' sad. Unseated him of course.

"Pure English Undefiled," he called His most nncanny mount; And now" I wish, in language bald, His downfall to recount.

A widely-famed tobacco store, "Di" patronised at times; (Words of four syllables, or mere, Were never mean for rhymes.)

One- day, when ord'ring his supply, . The lnckless salesman said— "Pine cut or coarse?" then answered "Di" "No! Fine-ly cut. instead!"

Of adjectival adverbs, strange Our friend had never heard! So rara avis close in range. He shot at the strange bird.

~*"-. shopman gasped, yet stood his ground .Then thought pierced his amaze; My word that has a curious sound But p'rhaps it cuts both ways!"

He turned; but offered no remark, Xhen reaching for the tin— And lightly coloured. Sir, or dark?" And stooped to hide a grin.

p rofess°r "Di," said sharply, "Light! Then said, "I see no sport In listening to your taik to-night So, kindly 'cut it SHORT" '

Truly, one man in his time plays many parts, and it would be absurd ■to expect an actor of such, versatility as Julius Knight to play them all to the satisfaction of everybody. A local critic finds the impersonation of Raffles to be all that could be desired; but carps at Robin Hood as a lover and declares that the symptoms displayed give evidence of an attack of indigestion rather than tbe pangs of "th-at sweet torment—Love"! That the two emotions are closely allied is proved by the large number of men who marry their sooks, and I have no doubt that the Queen of Hearts knew quite well what she was about when she "made some .tarts, upon a summer's day." " Many a man who has opposed an impregnable front to Dan Cupid has melted before an omelet, and it is safe to say that the affections (I do not mean "ailments") of a man's stomach endure longer than those of his heart.

The story of a theatrical downfall, although in no way connected with mv previous train of thought, has sue—ested itself. HIS LAST APPEARANCE. He came on, al la mode Charlie Warner, In a Breezy and quire-at-home style; And the gallery, stalls, every corner, Bose at him and cheered all the while.

He looked round the house, brightly smiling, He'd played in the part for some years; _. fool to his vain wife's beguiling, "'Twas only his part, spare your tears.

"Where's your mistress?" asked he of Annett—j "She's outr* said the maid, from the

wing; "It you please, though, I think there's a letter On the p_ieus_tont" Strictly the thing

For we "know when a wife goes deceiving, She leaves the last letter just there; Nor forgets it, though hurry in leaving, Should make her neglect her back hair.

"Bring it here!" said her master, dark scowling, And demurely the maid tripped away, To find the stage manager howling— "The 'property note's' gone astray!"

Then the call-boy dashed up, "Here, I've found it, On Ms <_essing-room floor"; tbey _oorayeS!

No time for inspection. Confound it! For „the prompter's bell rang, for the maid. -

Enter maid, left wing, cross to her master; But her master was buried in thought. And taking the note, gazed right past her— Ah! billet with misery fraught—

Io read and then lie down and grovel, To call for his wife through his nose; JChen the writhe in a manner quite novel, ■'Was his part, though severe on his clothes. How, with nervous and trembling fingers, "ii He tears the frail cover apart. And then, for effect, he still lingers. And presses his hand to his —earBat now it is opened, and after One glance, a demoniac yen, __c— a peal of hysterical laughter, As prone on the hard boards he fell. Xne house cheered, though some folks were £—ghtened, And said, twas a stroke p'rhaps the _earti But others, the ones more enlightened, Declared it was all in his part But the manager's pulse fell to zero, When he had to cut out the last act; And alack! and alas! for our hero, Who gently, but firmly, was sacked! His friends nicked him up and undressed And tenderly bore him to bed; Then sought for the note that distressed him. And -i-is is the legend they read: **_> Brown-Jones. Dr. to ATi Kg Kettle. T ° washing, six weeks in arrears." At the end of the screed. "Kindly settle'" —he total was hid by their tears.

In what we are now pleased to can the dark ages, the begiiining and end of a complete education was embraced by . a knowledge of the "three P_'s"—Reading, 'Rating, and 'Rithmetic; but since then we have added so many "ologies" and "isms" to the eurrienluni that one begins to wonder where education lea-yes off and affectation begins. Three of these "isms" are worthy of examination from their similarity in form and sound, and their wide disparity, in meaning. Asceticism—the subjugating and mortifying of the flesh. Aesthetieism— the science of correct taste, and Athleticism; but this last deserves a paragraph to itself. .._.'.

"A—lleti—sm," then, appears to be a matter of very bad taste, or no taste at all, which urges its votaries to subjugate L i-SJE-te-w-Sst

makes no difference to the exuberant young athlete in the recurrent -tramjamb." He has toiled all day under the eye of a suspicious shop-walker or a despotic accountant, so away with the yard-stick or pen, and into the "fray" Remembering only that "gentle-man" is something of a compound word, and also that it is wiser in such a scrimmage to tackle somebody who won't hit back, a woman for choice. What a glorious opportunity to make things even with the lady customers—

Tis merely just to right a wrong, I shove and strike and shoutIve served them inside all day long So now, I'll 'serve them^out''"

The kindly spirit displayed by our legislators should provide an object-les-son to those who follow the humbler walks in life. The Native Minister learns, in the friendliest way, that he is sufSerang fuom "taihoa*." or by free translation, "go slow" sickness, although the "time" of a Car(r)ol is generally indicated by its composer. Mr Munro (of the late Exhibition) finds a champion to defend bim against his entics, classified as "tin gods," and defied, I presume, with a tin-opener, and the Leader of the Opposition learns his Limitations, most regrettable , perhaps, amongst which is the fact that "he cannot fold the moon up and put it in his pocket!" By the way, if Mr Massey be inclined to emulate "Ma Curly Headed Babbie," and—

"wants the moon to play wltn, Or the stars to run away with."

I should advise "taihoa" to him. The German Operatic Company will be here soon, and. from reports to hand, all the ''stars" seem disposed to run away!

There is nobody so zealous as a convert, so readers will not be surprised at the vehemence of a prominent publican in Batrrarst (N.S.W.), who, although he has an interest in three hotels, declares that he abhors hotel associations—pleasant news for his customers! —and is supporting the no-license movement. Possibly, had he taken more interest in his customers, the hotels might have supported him. It was not many miles from the same locality that the writer remonstrated with the proprietor of a road-side shanty for permitting methylated spirit to masquerade as whisky. The courteous boniface retorted fiercely: "Shut up, you fool, the blokes inside are drinking Barry's Tricopherous." I have' no doubt that some of his customers are Prohibitionists now.