MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 136, 8 June 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

! A young mart went up for an examina- : tion and was "plucked." He sent the following telegram to his anxious family: "Examination splendid. Professors enthusiastic. They demand an encore."

A GOOD PATIEST.- : - First Physician: "He has ,It i ditary trouble!" ' *?*? , B^ t ;*. i *» Second Physician: f'Tde- t;i. v hand his case down, to P644

Mrs Noobride: "Yes, dear, I was married last month. Id like you to call on mc and see the pretty little flat I have." Miss Jellusse: "I've seen him, my : dear!" "Why does all the world love a lover?" ' '""Because." answered Miss Cayenne, "it ' flatters our vanity' to observe people who £ are in love, and think how much more s sensible we are by comparison." j 1 "Unfortunately, the evil in mc always ! gains the victory." " i "Well, marry. Then your better half !' will always be_ victorious." | - ! i A coal merchant sent the following let-' 1 ter to a customer, after having lost all 1 patience in applying several times for < an unpaid' bill. "Sir, —"If you do not pay ' for the ton of coal and tne bag of coke i before next Saturday, I shall place the 1 same in the hands of my lawyer*." - j j JJ How do you understand the phrase. I an 'impressionist picture ?" asked the j country cousin of a, city critic as they | stood in the art gallery. "Why, an 'im- t pressionist picture' is one that'leaves on j (your mind the impression that it is the J picture of a cow, and the impression lin- j gers until you look at the catalogue, and . • read that it is a picture ot a water- . spaniel." ' Yaleton (junior,) : "Hello, dad! < Thought I'd take a run np'into the conntry for a Kfctic change:' 5 j ' . .Yaleton {_seni°ri-i "Too late, _xrsnnJL Your •mother- thought - s___al._l_ .Tun < ' into the city, and she's taken it all with j her." t

•"I would—er—like a bottle of—er good hair restorer," said the callow youth with the multi-coloured tie. "Want it for your moustache, I suppose?" qucrieel the chemist. ".Er —yes," admitted the pride of his mamma. "Thought so," rejoined the pill compiler. "What you want ia a bottle of hair originator."

Tommy: "Hallo, Jimmy., where are you going to in such a hurry?" Jimmy: "Pan going home." Tommy: "Something good going on there?" <

CONTRADICTING- A Bl_3L__ "If you Professor Sapiens: - . mark, my good nian, that : ?oui . ment is absurd: If cellent proof that I am; a Uv_, -amtSe a dead man. I should advise-youi* coa. them "' he mcauiDS of wordg^belord^-osaig TOO FAMHIAR.','• Charles Philpott is a memherpfait_of London solicitors. Bjs pirtiiu. a ways call him Charlie, and thedfrtt in his absence, call him new office boy had noticed ''-tins j»___ t use of Mr. Philpott _ name. -pj. 4,, one of the partners said .to th.-'yij-"Telephone to the theatre for t\ro x «at_ for 'Charlie's Aunt,' please."!* ThelxiT hesitated. He hlushed. Thenhe.skii nervously—"Hadn't I better;*'say" i J_ l Philpott's aunt,' sir?" . '.. :'■ ■; SOLOMON THE WISE.; King Solomon was having,; '_i$ etn sealed up-with red seahng : was. "WS; such precautions?" asked the correspoi. = ■ ent from Egypt. "Do .you-expoti ,'uy. heavy firing ia t&e immediate vicMij!": "Oh, no," rijJied tha ancient Sing, jaii '. a sly wink, "hut the time' is apprcHi#ig when my 700 wives will begin to talk about spring miUimny.":',, AiSi -. tjiea' Solomon retreated to the swint rxOtn. and locked the-door. -'• • ;.< ."' NiSAfr^mijN": An elderly- "ehiirchwa-r&eTv'yiv shivifljf; himself one Sunday morning: before

church-time, made a slight-cut-witliiie razor on the extreme end of his titik Quickly calling to his wife; he asked Jier if she had any court-plaster in tho hotise. "Y"ou will find some in .my seji'injbasket," she said. The ■ warden. St. had the.cut covered. At ("lurch;ia issisting with the collection, he : noticed everyone smile as he passed the;_fc*i and some of the younger people UugW outright. Very' much> ahnoye asked a friend if there was; anything' wrong with his appearance';,-.'';"%s * should say there is," was the'; «ahr. "What is that upon your nessel" ■W plaster." "No," sa"id his frjjai .""» « •the label from a reel of cotton. : -It'"*s?i 'Warranted two hundred yards.'" .

Jimmy: "Well, ma's going to spank mc."

Tommy (in surprise) : "But why are you in such a hurry?" Jimmy: "Because if I don't get home at once he will be in, and he'll do it." FLATTERING. "How much postage will this require?" asked the yonng author. "It is one of my manuscripts." '"Two cents an ounce," answered the post-office clerk. "That's first-class matter." "Oh, thank you!" WHERE HE GOT FT. Mr Hogan: "Where did Oi git th' black oye? Oh, Oi'm just afther bcin' initiated." Mr- Kelly: '-Into what society?" Mr Hogan: "Into t_ society ay mc mother-in-law." A FRIEND IN NEED. Automobiiist (to another who las broken down) : "Can I be of any assistance to you?" The Afflicted One (undeT the machine) ; "Yes, sir. That lady you see is my wife. 11l bo obliged if you will kindly answer her questions and keep her amused .while I'm fixing this infernal machine."

WON BY LACK: OF A-NECK- -.;

The plaintiff's barrister in": tic ; bKA& of promise case thought he'would iaate life a burden to the m_rtunatc. young man who was the unwmin, aefend-mt. "Do you mean to say .'he; asked, after a number of cmbarrosang.; questions, "that after you had been absent for an entire month you did not;Ks3.tlie plaintiff, to whom you wer&engaged. tow married, when you first 'saw her on..yonr return?" r';".' , '~.»"• "I do," responded the-defendant ■ firm-

" '•'"'Will you make that statement t» the jury?" • "' ','"';', .. "Certainly, if necessary-" ' * . ..'. * -_v you think tiks.ff they W*ild:«lK^ you?"-- ■'' '"'.' '. ' : V.- v ,. ; . '

"One ok them vionld, I- knotr."-' :■ "Ah, imked! Aud; ; why- sKbula 1". pray?" "'•*_/" ' '""'' " •- t'_l "Because:he'was present when I»*» saw her. He''Was*ut the'-jjate w'heri IIW up, and she stuck her Head ont of tM seeond-storev window, and I said to' l«j "How d'ye, do ?' and called out id M back to supper in half ail aoxktygM giraffe," and everybody smiled exeep* the barrister. '