MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 65, 16 March 1907, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Simians: "Old Skinner is considered pretty well to do, isn't he?" Timkins: "Yes. Also pretty hard to do." ' ■ A newspaper poet demands to know "Where are the girls of the past?" "Bringing up the girls of the future, don't you think?" Great snowstorm scene in the play— Actor, (warming his hands at brazier) : "If these, snowflakes keep on catching fire we shall have the bally show on fire. * "What.did you kick my. dog for?" "Didn't know he was your dog, but he's mad." "No, he isn't." " Well, I should be if anyone kicked mc."

A DIPLOMATIC REPLY. . Nothing can. surpass in the reply made by an East; Indian servant of the late Lord Dufferin, "when :he was Viceroy of India. "Well,-what .sort of sport has Lord had ." said Lord Dufferin one day to his servant, who had attended a young English lord On a , shooting expedition. "Oh," replied the j scrupulously polite Hindu, j'the young I sahib shot divinely. Providence' ■ was jvery merciful to the birds!" THE NEW ADVERTISING. . - A little child wis crying miserably one afternoon in Moscow. He walked ' slowly down one of-the principal streets, ■and his howls soon brought a big; crowd around him. "What is the matter,, my child?. What troubles you?" everyone asked.,-;;; ;' j The boy paused finally. He looked'afc the multitude- Which had assembled. ThefijS-lifting up hisvoice, he-shouted in , a'shrill treble: 1 ' .. ■ '•')"? I "I'_i 'lo's'tV Will '--somebody "prease*fa._« I mc home to '-• Ivan ■' Troubetskqy_ c %e ] champion clothier of the South r _ffid, ' who has just got in his new stbekpf spring overcoats, suits, neckties/-slms, hats, and umbrellas, which he, .will sell cheaper than anyone else in the city!" WAS IT A PROPOSAL? .''._ Two young girls were talking .on _ tramway ear, when one of them- saE.:— "The awfullest thing happened..to mc yesterday. Bess and I came down, together on the tramway car, but it -was just crowded to suffocation. T-.'was I afraid I'd lose Bess, and sol just grabi bed her hand and held on for dear life. I "When we were nearly to out destination, just fancy!—l looked dowruand it wasn't Bess's hand at all,but I Was holding that, of a young man whom I I had never seen. I dropped it, you can ! imagine, in an instant, saying, "Oh,

The Mistress: "I am not quite satisfied with your references." The; Applicant: "Nayther am I, mum, but they're the best I could get." "I took a girl out in my motor yester- ! day, and held her hand, proposed, was accepted, and kissed her three times all inside of forty minutes." 'You ought to be put in gaol for exceeding the speed ] limit." Mistress: "Why, Bridget, what on I earth are you doing with all the broken dishes on the shelf?" Bridget: "Sure, , mum, you towld mc Oi wur to replacu every one Oi broke." "The woman I marry/ he said, "must be glad to take mc with all my faults." "Oh, she will be," the girl "She'll be so desperate that faults won't cut any , figure with her." . I Visitor:. "Are there' any ''fish-in this.river ?'_ . Jfative:. "Fish 1. I-.shoiild.rather •, think there was. ' Why,- the wkter's simply saturated with 'em."' -'"'-' "i j Change of Occupation: "Vicar's Wife (syxnpathisingly) : "Now that you can't get about, and are not able to read, how do you manage to occupy tbe time? Old , Man: "Well, mum, sometimes I sits and j thinks; and then again I just sits. News Editor: "Here's a cable from Constantinople saying that the Sultan's' principal amusement is scaring his wives into fits. Managing Editor: "Well, head it 'A Harem-scarem Fellow,' and run it in the joke column." Young Man: "I —er-r-have called to ask for your daughter's hand." Her Father: "You can have it and welcome, young is, if you can induce her to take it out of my pocket."

ANTIQUE. ~ rt "Yes, this tower goes back to. William the Conqueror." "What's the matter? Isn't it satisfactory?" TIME TO GO." Urchin: "I bet if I wasn't here, the gentleman would kiss you." Girl: "Insolent boy: Go away this very minute." CUSTOMARY PLAN.' . ?.. The Rev. Fourthly: "Hy friend, whera do you expect to go in- the nest world?" Ivnicker: "Oh, I suppose' mother and the girls will pick out the spot, and I will run up for the week-ends as usual."

Interlocutor: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Leatherlungs, the eminent vocalist, will now sing the pleasing and popular ballad, 'I long to Embrace You, Dear. But You've Got Pins in Your Belt.'" "My dear," said Mr. N-Peck, venturing to put in a word.as his life's partner paused for breath, "may I ask what you are scolding about?" "I can't remember it just 'now," replied his irate spouse. "You've driven is out of my head. But if I hadn't good reason fpr it do you suppose I'd be as angry as I am." And she broke loose again. " Well, Tommy," said Spawnger, who had just called, " hope I haven't disturbed your pa and ma at dinner ?'' " No," replied Tommy, " we were just going to sit down, but pa saw you from the winder, and he told ma. not to have dinner ready till you went," Practical Father: " Has that young man who wants to marry you got any money?" Romantic Miss: "Money! He gave mc a cluster diamond ring, studded with pearls.'' Practical Father -. " Yes, I know; but has he any money left? "

I've got the wrong hand!" When, what do you suppose he answered?— Why, miss, you are perfectly welcome to the other if you will accept it."'' y NO WEAPONS REQUIRED. The railway platform at Heidelberg was crowded with hurrying people of ' many nationalities, but. the American traveller from Connecticut, who'.wa*trying to reach his family, felt .'that some man pushed against him with"-un-necessary roughness. "See here," he said, turning oh tha offender, "you stop, jostling mc that way." ' He had hardly expected his' words to ' be understood, but the young man whom he had accosted drew himself up 1 ' haughtily, and said- in excellent Ehgr lish, tinged by a slight German accent-< "I am at your service, sir, at anj time and place." j "Well, now, that's something' like* ! said the traveller, hooking his arm into ' the haughty young man's. "You carry i this grip of mine, and take mc to a I good hotel. You're just the man .Fvt L | been looking for and didn't know Kb* Ito find." ..,--.-.