MR. DOOLEY ON "SIR ALECK."

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 65, 16 March 1907, Page 9

MR. DOOLEY ON "SIR ALECK."

"Mr Dooley" has in the "San Francisco Bulletin'"' an amusing skit on the episode between Admiral Davis, of the "U.S. Navy, and Sir A. Swettenham, the Governor of Jamaica, on the occasion of the Kingston trouble. The illustrations are peculiarly American and distinctly laughable.

"Well, sir," said Mr Dooley. "a hand acrost th' sea has been extended to us again. We rayceived it undher th' ear.

"Did ye read about it? Ye didn't? Well, 'twas this way: Our fellow AngloSaxons own an island somewhere bcyant Cubia, where they raise,rum, mollasses, ginger an' naygurs f'r th' export thrade. 'Tis fr'm there we get th' sturdy blacks that may be seen army day smoking cigareets an' playin.' cards while digggin' th' Pannyma Canal. It's a vallyable little Pearl i.v th' Ant-Hills, and if England had a few more iv thim she'd be broke. Well, th' other day an earthquake come along"an' shook it up. It must've been a good deal iv a .jolt, f'r almost as manny people were kilt be it as die in this coiiiithry army cold day fr'm not havin' good enough shoes. It was pretty- bad. an' we're a good-hearted people at heart, d'ye mind, an' ivrybody, even thim unhappy people that can't be sure they are Anglo-Saxons on account iv their parentage were in favor iv doin' some- ; thin' f'r th' poor creatures.

'Us Anglo-Saxons looked on it another way. 'Twas not to nurse th' injured nor feed th' hungry that we called on th' Prisidint to sind ships to Kingston, but 'twas to bind up th' wounds in wan iv th' exthremitios iv our Mother Counthry. Tli' Anglo-Saxon union invited eonthributions through its Chairman, th' Hon. Isaac Guggenheim. Th' President with tears in his eyes ordhered Bob Evans to sind somebody else to Jamaica to help our cousins an' prove again that blood is stickier than water. He did not think 'twas wise to sind Bob Evans himsilf to soon afther th' earthquake. Bob Evans picked out a la-ad be th' name iv Davis, an' be got together our warships an' rushed off to Kingston.

"'Twas all right. If there was an Englishman in throublc in th' next house I'd thry to f'rget what his folks done to mine, an' no wan wud be quicker to his" bedside thin this AngloSaxon. What I'd do to him aft*ter he ■got out iv th* hospital might be diiFrent. I liave gr : l'eat leelin' f'r human sufferin', an' I don't know that I don't feel sorrier f'r an Englishman in throublc thin- f'r annywan else. I've got to keep fr'm laughin'.

"Well, away wint Admiral Davis an' steamed into Kingston Harbour, an' as as a first aid to th' injured made a searchlight display an' fired th' customary salute iv four hundhred an' eight guns. It was arly in th' avenin", an' th' Gov'nor havin' is/ued proclamations

relievin' disthress ontil teatimc, was enjoyin' a well-arned slumber. But he got up at wanst an' ray turned th' compliment in th' most gracious terms. He wrote a note to th' Admiral as follows: 'Shut up ye'er darn guns an' get out iv here. Ye make my head ache.'

"Th' Admiral, bein' an Anglo-Saxon fr'm Boston, where Jawnny Fitz is Mayor, was much moved at this delicate compliment, an' havin' fired another salute iv two hundred and four guns f'r th' Gov'nor _■ sierety an' insthructed th' band to play 'Gawd Save th" King/ he wint ashore.

"Th' Admiral wint to make an officyal call on th' Gov'nor. Th' reciption was characteristic iv that old-fashioned good cheer that commerce an' th' greed iv Americans is desthroyin'. Th' Admiral was allowed to stand in th' outside office f'r as long a time as he wanted. Thin a ruddy, janial face appeared at th' dure an' says: 'James, tell him I've gone away to stay till nineteen hundhred an' eight.'

"Here, Hinnissy. I'd like to read ye a sketch iv this gre-rcat man that has done so much to bind two sister nations in a perfect knot an' to show that though blood may be thicker thin water heads are thicker still. Sir Aleck Sweatingham was born in Fothringham Court Road in th' year eighteen thirty-four. He was a mimber iv an illuthrees fam'ly that had not been out iv th' parish f'r four einehries. Arly in life he showed traits that marked bun f'r a diplomat.; career. No wan cud get along with him. At six he kicked a maiden lady who offered him gingerbread; at nine he bit th' parson who thried to make him a present iv a dhrum. Such traits cud not be lightly pushed aside. It was clear that he was destined be nature to rule over th' swarthy thribes upon whom alone the sun iv England sets, an* sets hard.

"While still a mere youth, he was dispatched to th' island of Booloojbo. in th' Indyan Sea, where he soon made a name f'r himsilf be formhr the native Rajahs into a Church iv England Dcfinse League. His rise was rapid. First appointed in thirty-four, in sixty-six he was promoted to th' Gov'norship iv th' popylou3 Island of Gazip, in th' Gulf iv Baf; population, 1860, two whites, five miilyou blacks; salary, two millyon pice (£SO). In dulin' this difficult province he made a gr-reat i-epytation, which extended as far as th' borders iv Swat. A man iv iron, cold an' hard, he intbra. jooced hansom cabs dhrawn be-natives instead iv th' old-fashioned rickshaw, induced th' Rajah to throw away his pagan turban an' adopt th' more seemly stovepipe hat, started a muffin' bakery, an' took steps to abolish plural mari edges.

"Fourteen years later a still more important honor was lavished on him. Whin th' Gov'norship iv Plaguestown, on th' East Coast, was made vacant th' last name that occurred to th' Colonyal Office was Aleck Sweatingham.

an' he was appointed. Afthcr survivin' f'r iliven years in this arjoos post he was again "promoted at th' request iv th' on'y other white man in th' colony, an' rayceived th' important post iv Gov'nor ivJamaica. an honor which few achieve an' still fewer desire. This completes th' career iv th' gr-reat man, which may soon be r-rounded out be his bein' fired. Ivrywhere he wint he made frinds where he'd, been befure. In all th' counthries where he ruled he left a repytation f'r janiality an' repose. At laste, he niver had it with him whin he showed up at th' new job.

"It was- this mighty statesman that our humble Admiral thried to meet. Admiral Davis was overcome by his rayception. We don't expect our dear cousins to gush over us. They ar-re more self-contained thin we ar-re. Behind their rugged chests beat w r arni an' gin'rous hearts, but they find it hard to say annything pleasant without chokin',

an' Admiral Davis was surprised as well as charmed by Aleck's greetings. He said he har_ niver met so polite an Englishman. In his gratichood ha landed throops to dhrive naygur prisoneiback into jail, put up awnings on stores, an' hitch th' horses to th' sthreet cars in th' annihilated city. He was amazed to receive, almost instantly an effusive dispatch in. th' follow/in', language:' 'Get out iv _i<_re or I'll heave arf a brick at ye.' Th' Admiral replied: 'Gawd bless ye fr ye're kind wurruds. It is a happiness to mc to meet ye'er Ixcillincy's approval. It shows that we ar-re bound together be ties iv common brotherhood an' th' common language iv Shakespeare an' others. I have th' honour to rayport that th' fleet nndher. my command has put up a tent, started two grocers in business and proticttd a safe fr'm bein' robbed.'

"To which Aleck replied heartily: 'I don't know what th' divvle ye mane be a common language, but if ye'er not out iv here be noon yell hear some language that's commoner thin army iver used be Shakespere, whoiver he maj r be. Get out, I say. Chase ye'ersilf. Beat it to th' deep sea. If ye don't hurry I'll sind a naygur polisman to run ye in. If army safe was took ye stole it ye'ersilf and have it hid now in wan iv ye'er scows. I've a good mind to go aboard an' search ye. 'Mis'rable Yankee, fly,' says he. 'Take th' eastern channel,' he says. 'There are rocks there an' some sharks.'

"Admiral Davis could not thrust himsilf to a reply in writing. He wint at wanst to call on th' gallant an' courteous riprisintive iv his Majesty. What passed between the two envoys iv th' wurruld's powers will niver be known. It was too sacred to be repeated. It is enough to say that whin Admiral Davis

come fr'm th' mansion th' Gov'nor's right eye was black with grief an' he carried a large an' vallyable axe which lie was thryin' to presint to th' Admiral. Th' Constitution f'bids our officers acceptin' presints f'r doin' their jooty simply an' well. That night, havin' completed their errand iv mercy, th' fleet sailed away, an' so sthrong-was th' feelin' aboord th' ships in ~th' harbour that not a sound issued fr'm thim. Admiral Davis was highly pleased with th' epysode. Those who heerd his comments say be is splendidly qualified to fill Bob Evans' place in th' hearts iv th' American Navy.

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy: another, link forged in th' chain that hooks us up to our Motherland. It is such occurrences that makes us know that though a sturdy Briton may be slow in speech, he still cherishes th' proper feelin' to'rd tjjis counthry. Betther th' bluff kick in th' eye thin th' soft answer that turneth away our wrath an' th' kick in th' eye aftherwards. Aleck has cleared up a good manny doubts in my mind iv where we stand. If we'ev cousins at all, Jake Schiff and Prisidint. Hadley an' I belong" to an infeeryprbranch iv th' fanfly an' ought to be treated as such. Besides knowin' how relations act to'rd each other, if I've got to be army kind iv relation let it be as distant as possible. I'm sorry they're goin to fire Aleck. He's a good man who's done somethiri' -f'r the wurruld. I'm sorry f'r thim if they lire him, f'r they'll have to take him home. If they want to punish him they ought to make him perpetchool Gov'nor iv Jamaica."

"What did they want to sind th' navy f'r. annyhow?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Maybe j*e'er right," said Mr. Dooley. "I think mesilf this navy iv ours is gettin' into th' habit iv runnin' to fires. It's all right to rescue people fr'm a burnin' buildin', but I think I'd wait till I was asked. Maybe th' man wud rather be burned to death thin have a cousin rescue him an' have it th' talk iv th' family rr tin years."'