MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVII, Issue 197, 18 August 1906, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

i Old Gent: Is that Gorgonzola good? Grocer: <3ood! r Why 1 itV unapproach-" able! . _ "Did you go to Billy Jones' funeral." "I did." "As a mourner?" "Yesj somebody : stole 'my hat!" - Brown: "Hun-y Up and'put away those" •rdedicine bottles." Sirs" Brown: "What's the matter, dear?" Brown: "The life insurance agent's ctsning." "They issued a hundred and fifty wedding invitations." "Did they get many valuable presents." "No—they barely made expenses." ■ '

THE LATEST "WRINKLE. Sammie: "I woul kiss you if I thought no one would see inc." May: "Shall 1 close my eyes?" ..... ;.. -' She: ""Why do so many men- go to the bad?" He: "In their eagerness to be known as good feUows."" She: ''"Why are all vescsels spoken of as 'she?' It's because they glide so gracefully, isn't it?" He: "No. It's because their rigging costs so much." "When Mr: Gasey died he left all he. bad to the orphan asylum." "Indeed! That was nice of- him. What did he leave?" "His twelve children."

j "That stove," said the editor, '.'deserves a premium." "What for?" "Already it's consumed- a ton of poetry, and ' the spring's scarcely begiin:" ! Pat: "So ye be insured?" Mike: "Oi be. They are to' pay ' a thousand darlers upon mc decease." Pat: " Well, here's opin' yell live long 'enough to git th' money."; An old lady was much distressed >on i reading that gas was being introduced to j take the place of whale-oil. "Oh, dear! I Oh, dear!" she exclaimed. "Whatever's j to,become of the guir whales.now!" ' Landlady: "The coffee, I !atn sdrrjjiy to j ! say,, is exhausted, Mr. .Smith/ f'-Mr'i Smith.: "Ah, xyes,, : poprvthing. -,Ii- t Was expecting that. I've noticed that for some time it hasn't been strong." ■ . -•'... ! Husband: "What in the name -of Juplterdid you sew up all the pockets in my overcoat for this morning?" Wife: "Dearest, that letter I:gave you to post was very- important, and I* intended tomake sure you carried it in your hand." The Home Office "has ordered colonial tinned meat to be used in future in our convict establishments. A number of! prisoners had threatened to leave unless a change were made.—"Punch." * Economical. — "Mother said she thought you were extravagant, Tom, but I proved you were not!" "You darling! How did you do that ?" "Told her you were v~7ith mc two hours last night and only kissed mc once!" "What is the Teason that men never kiss each other, while the ladies waste a world* of kisses on feminine faces?" asked a not altogether gallant captain of a young lady. "Becaj_.se the men have got something better to kiss, and the ladies haven't." A countryman arriving in town for the first time stood looking with profound a_naze.__.nt at the electric cars "Well, I'm • blest!" he said. "I've sen thorn 'ere things pulled by engines, and I've sen 'era pulled by 'osscs, but I've ne'er sen the derned things pulled by fishin' rods afore." First German "Count: ''I've just" proposed for the hand of Miss Golding, daughter of Mr. Golding, the American railway king." Second German Count: "And axe you accepted?" First German Count: "I don't know yet. I have to call on her father tomorrow with a list of my creditors."

Elderly. Lady (unmarried)* «__! Young men are so fast n<nra__C_i ! Young Lady: "Yes; I suppose tl»t*£_V you haven't been able to catch 6b*» •*. ——— ''••'•- . . Hubby::« At least, my dear, ort «* _. spect f or mc— —" , •'*There, you've **&* turn exactly. That's th. cb_-__J2? Tin entirely out of." . -^"v; She: "I think itVso s_o» W____J to quarrel." . T ' *"•«* He. "Yes; the making up i, *> _ pensive." '■'■.-- *1 Bacon: "You had that fewse __•__, family for fifteen years, w"*"»; Egbert: " Yes, and then V *51, "Tough, wasn't it!" «0k i *IL t know. We didn't eat it ours**-***-sold it to a butcher, yon know.'.' * Benevolent Lady. -*• Bot, my *<__~ _-« if you have been looking for *Sr_rS these years, why is it.that never found it?" ™ *» Tramp (confidentially): "It's t_«_ mum j, just sheer good luck." . "You talked all, through my __)■»•(- ---said the musician a■- little re»_i'-faiu. "Oh, that's all right!" said sufficient sage. " I wasn't sAyim, thing you would rare, about hea-^V A British newspaper publishes t3_i« •_ vertisement:—"Widower, living "retire.* * without encumbrance, would hk_ to cor' respond with lady, about 40', With snuli means, with one leg preferred, *wiQ, 1 view to an early' marriage." Horse Dealer: J . suppose?"' i»ww.* ,'. Chauffeur: " Oh, no. Tour." It fa' only a small machine." " Horse Dealerj " I weren't goinjrW ft. size, guvnor, but by the smell"" Two cats were about to engage in "_j duel. "Let us have, an under.t*_ndinX ere We begin," said the one. "As t_j what?" queried the other. "Isitt» _i a duel to the death," continued tV<me_ I or shall we make it the best thre. I lives out of five?" I

THE BETTER HALF. Goggles: _"My automobile has broken - down, and I require a strong person t&; assist to. push it along to the' : hla_k4r* ; smith. Could you-— —-'' .""...'•'-,/■.. --'J The Worser Half: ' l Werry ecrryv mis-' -. ' ter; but the inissus-ain't aV'oihe juSm now." v "■ ■ ■-"'..■ ■•■ '"• >.' ' ( _- SURE PROOF.' ';■■',,. , ' " Hello, Jack," cried little Harry, "te Tommy in the house." -^t "'Course- he is. Don't yon tee hit shirt on the line." ■',"' LONG AG0.,.: Rejected Suitor: "I may hepbor'iaoifi ' but was a. time when I rode jn ms\ carriage." ■'. -'•■- "'' /", The Girl: "Yes, and your pushed it!" -.- -■'/' '".'"'.,. ".',--'' T *** M——— ■■•*- '■'-'-.' '_■ A DECEPTIVE' YOUTH. He was sr._h a little nipper that the ladies had no idea he was a midshipmari at all, but took him for iromebody's; " dear little toy" in a seven-and-eleven^. penny "Royal Navy all serge." At last,' one of them, on whose lap he had been 1 sitting, and who had just .kissed him, j asked :v*"" And how old is be, ickle dearf' " Twenty-two, puss!" he said in "a">ofct*. like a foghorn. And for the' Test of the evening "ickle dear" was "what : '.a !%of rid little snob!" '"' " * WHY HE WENT TO SERVICE Sir Philip Burne-Jones, who is _) painter—like his father, the first baronet—repeats a good yarn, which Mr. Kipling spun to him while he *w*a paint- 1;-; ing his portrait. "\ ' ■*.. v' " Kipling talked about the sea wialI'was painting him. He was eht&usias-' tie about a week's cruise he had ones; made on, a 'battleship. 'He d__cribed. the battleship's Sunday morning .service". It was a well attended service, every saflon not on duty, .being there;; and after ii was over, Kipling said to one the* Jackies— . .'.-.'_. } M '.•'' " Are you obliged to attend these Sanday morning services?" ' - : "N-no-o," said the sailorj'■-.'Tiffft, .":' exactly obliged; but pur grog would bo stopped if we *__dnti"