MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVI, Issue 84, 8 April 1905, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS.

The noble art: Black and blue. Better than stones in Bath Hi,. Sarah Bernhardt in a new role. ! "My husband never speaks a'erm. word to mc." "How long hav e you w* separated V <* He: Women suffer pain much w* than men. lj>.e: Indeed! Who told In that—the doctor? He: y-j, the h£? maker.. • c ** Wanted, Redistribution.— "I think it such a pity that poor men don't knoi enough to remain single." "Yes— ai J that rich ones do!" .■■-.. Mr H.: Where is that "Book of m quette and Complete Letter Mrs H.-. What do you Mr H.: I want to write to my tailor t» tell him I can't pay him- ' ■ Taking It Out of the Family.—Ji« Ferguson: George, what particular failing of yours did the preacher touch oa in his sermon this morning? Mr Ferguson: What do you ask mc that qua? tion for? Mrs Ferguson: Because you have been as cross as a bear ever since you came home from church. Perfect example of "floating eapH»r*« The City of Cork. ~ * Dear Old Boy (after listening to n account of the friend's wife's mother) •■ Is she .really so bad? Dear Old SportSo the doctor says. D.08.: But—«— you don't fear the worst,"surely ? D.0.5.? No; ob, no! You see, her age is againij her, for one thing. Native Genius.—"Dear. mc," an old gentleman remarked to his spendthrift son, '"how on earth -did you manage ta get into debt so deeply?" "To.tell the truth, father," was the replyj "I dont exactly know; I think it must haw been my native financial genius." An Infant Roscins.—Stage Manager (interviewing children with the idea of engaging them for a new play): Has this child been ou the Proud' Mother: No; but he's been on an' i*> quest, and he speaks up fine!, v ; ; . Mrs Watts: Mr Watts and I make |« a rule never to quarrel before the children. If we have an argument wjth eacS other we always send them, out of the room. Mrs Potts: I have often wonder- I ed why your children were out;in the street so much more than other pec pie's. "• ■ NOT QUITE WHAT HE tNTEAIJT. "Oh, my friends!" ora> tor, "it makes mc sad when I think of the days that are gone, when I look around and miss the old familiar faces I I. used to , shake hands .with.",' • I INTELLIGENT ANIMAK '" Mr Lingerlong: "What: makes, yofflt little dog howl so?"-..',.; . . •' Miss Vinuie Garr: "He ajyrays howl* like that when he thinks itiis tune tj shut up the house for the night, , !,. r assTst ing j iffii. :; ; ; '* ■ ■ "We are looking for,yth^eqmet, , ' -ex* plained the young mart *On;th^"■porch, _^asjtHe i father, of the young woman came ■ t! oiiffe''t6'".see w.iiit wa's ! de'&inhig her. ' . "Why, bless you," said'tnVqld gentleman, "the comet is in' an"'entirely; different part of. the sky.*'.'' .- And he took him around to the other side of the house, showed him-the location of the coniet, him half an hour about it. ; -■ .- : Edith: "Have you heafd MiseJSonttlll play?" "Oh, yes." "And how do you like it?" "Not at all." "Not at tilt" -'.'No, she plays in the worst 'possible taste. Tlie other afternoon Fred and I were in the ,bay window,; and-just as I had accepted him and hp was stealing at. kiss the horrid girl put down the softi pedal, and, of course, everybody!heart it.,, , I call her a,- horrid player.'.' ■ A PLUCKY ENSIGN.. For sheer bravado, says an ■AfflerieiH ■writer in the "'United Service.Magazine, ,, it would be hard to rival the feafr of Ensign Gillis, who saw a stray torpedo coming slowly- but surely' towards the anchored torpedo boat Porter,.-in the Spanish-American War. ,-.■■■ He sprang overboard, turned-the nose of the torpedo in a .safer direction/and • sctewed.up the firing pin tightly., so that it would not operate. Then,-treading; water, he saluted Lieutenant i?remont, : and reported: , •.., . ' "Sir, I have to report I have capturei a torpedo." .. ....; > "Bring it on board, sir," commanded Fremont, and Gillis actually did sty swimming with it to the and fastening tackle t,o it. , GAMMONING A NEW CHUM. In. the "back blocks" of Australia netf arrivals are considered the legitimate butts of every joke that can be played on them. A coach-driver, backed up by his pas' sengers, induced ;i young mail- newly arrived fvom England to 'believe that kangaroos were now used in that district as letter-carriers. "They meet th« ■coach;" ho said, "and I give them their masters' letters, which they put in their pouches and curry home." f """ The "new chum" was incredulous, but just then a great kangaroo hopped o> to the roadway right in front of them, and stood for a moment looking at the advancing- coach. "Xothing for you to- | day," shouted the driver, and the animal, turning, disappeared in the scrub from which it had come. i The young Englishman is full of wonder at the strides made in so young a nation as Australia. GIVE HIM THE SACK. • Two noblemen in the reign of Maximilian 11., one a German, the other a Spaniard, who had each rendered » great service to the Emperor, asked the hand of his daughter Helena in marriagp- .' Maximilian said that as he esteemed them both alike, it was impossible to choose between them, and therefore their own prowess must decide it; tut being unwilling to risk the loss of either by engaging them in deadly combat, he' ordered a large sack to >H brought, and declared that 'he who should put his rival into it should hav< his fair Helena. This whimsical combat was actually performed in the presence of the IrQ* perial Court, and lasted an hour. The unhappy Spanish nobleman was the ni'f 1 overcome, and the German succeeded tfl enveloping him in the sack, took l>i« up on his back, and laid him at the .Jimperor's feet. t-y. This comical combat is saicUto. " c ™* origin of the phrase. "Give him the sack so common in everyday language.