DOOLEY ON THE WAS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXV, Issue 202, 24 August 1904, Page 3

DOOLEY ON THE WAS.

"This rra.r-T is a gr-reat sthrain on we, Hinnissy." said Mr Dooley. "I lay awake at nights considerin' th' death an' desthruction that is goin' forward behind th' veil that th' Press cinsors hare draTrn across th' fair face iv Knr-rea.'-' "Twhat i« happeTrkig there, anyhow?"' asked Mr llennessy. '"Do ye think th ! | Rooshians i? beat?" | "There ar-re divargint opinions on th' I pint," replied Mr Dooley. "Let us first consider th' message iv th' speshul corryspondint fv th' 'New York Ti-umpet.' He cables as follows: — '• 'Mujiksden, Choosday. Th' Rooshian arms is reporthed to be inywhere victorious. Fresh troops is arriving at th' rate iv ten tbtrannd a minit. They

ar-re crossin' Lake Bakeall in balloons, Wich th' ginerals have inflathed wi' hot air. There is food to waste, an' Ih' weather is most salubrious. Admiial Alecthief has occupied Scowl wi th" mounted marines. He has sunk two Piekford vans in th" centre iv th' main street, an' blocked th" fairway. Th' Kor-rean Imperor is lear-rniug '""Holy Rooshia" on a concertina an" dhrinkin' wi' th' first luftenant.

" 'Gineral Crow-pat«in. in a speshul interview that the wrote himself, tells mc he is confident iv victhry. "I am going to Tokyo," says th' gineral, ; 'if I have to swim there. At prisent mc pen is mightier than mc swoml. but in about tin years' time 1 shall have th" Mekadu by fir short hairs. Ye can bet y'r f.v pinse account ou that,"" he says. "Ivrything ye read that is not written by meself i>, lies. lam th' George Washington iv this campaign. I've nawthjng agin ould Alecthief save that he's a flathead that I'd like to drop in a bunker an" play out wi' a niblick. Whin danger threatensMct us sink our privit animosities, and hammer th' iiiizuy. 1 re-fuse to be interviewed agin till afther lunch, whin I shall be prepar-red to spake more intimately about meself. Long live Rooshia. Long live Crow-patsin."' "'I can cable ye no more at pri«int," resumes the "Trumpet" representative, 'as th' prison kindly set aside i'r th' use iv corryspondints at th' front is below ground, an' mc candle's gone out. Th Press cinsor, 'vho has been sthanding- over mc wi' a club, says that mc wor-rk is most satbisfact'ry. As a mark iv speshul favour the weight iv mc leg irrons has been redjuced to fourteen pounds.' " "If th' Rooshians threat th' pa-aper men like that, they're dove," said Mr Hennessy, with conviction. '"Your reasoning is insthructive but inconclusive," said Mr Dooley. "Let us tur-rn to th' statements iv th' corryspondint iv th' 'London Reflector.' "' 'Tokyo, Wednesday. I am in a position to give ye full dethails iv th' Japanese movemints on th' main land. Ar-r----mies have landed at Hangyou, Tellemso. TeUeruanother, Ping Pong., Sing Song, and Li Hi. They ar-re marching rapidly in snreral directions. Th , Rooshians have taken to th' hills above Antongue, but have returned, and afther concentrating have agin dispersed. Th , whole campaign is thus made plain to th' British public.

"'I am sittin' here in a cage along wi' th' flour iv th' corryspondints fr'm th' leadin' pa-apers iv th' wuv-rld. 'Tis pleasint societhy, but unexcitin'. We hope to be leavin' t'r th" front by next year at latest. Iso more at prisint, as th' cinsor has threat mcd to commit suicthide if I don't sthop writ in"."' "Whin th' gineral? take to houlding up th" noos f what's th' good in fightin'?" said Mr Hennos-^y. ''Ye arm right, ![iiines?.y." said Mr Dooley. •'Th' Pres> cm.-or i? more like to give poarp 10 th' ovid wur-r-ld than all th' societhies- an" arbitration treaties that wns iver invented."