RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXXV, Issue 50, 27 February 1904, Page 12 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

Some write a neighbour's name to :ash; Some write — vain thought — needful cash Scuie write to the country cinsQ, And raise :i dia. For mc, an aim I ne*ei fash— I write for fun.

I fear that tne general public i≤ still j grossly ignorant of many important mat- j ters connected with journalism. This is somewhat astonishing, because nearly j all the secrets of the profession have ; been long since revealed in the public press to anybody who would ~.-.ke the trouble to read them. Of course journalists don't mind being rnUundersto jd: it seen;? to add a ttattering sense of mystery to the calling to feel that the world has failed to do one justice. As to being muiporeciiited—well, a cynic has explained that by remarking that it is quite impossible for other people to think quite as much of a journalist as he thinks of himself. Anyhow, we are used to it. We are quite accustomed to the man who thinks that anybody could edit a paper. For that matter. Andrew Lung once remarked that the office cat could edit most of file correspondence sent into his paper. but the outside public isn't generally thinking of it in quite that way. And we are quite used to the supercilious ignoramus who quotes tor our bent-tit that ridiculous old lie about tho critics being "the people who have failed.'"' No, ■we certainly don't get from the genera] public; but then we learn to be philosophical, and we don't mind mD> c than we can help. But there are some hings that even a philosopher resents, .-isd I came across one of them in a Southern paper the other day. A person called at a well-known newspaper office and tendered to the editor half-a-erown, with the reques:. that a name which came up in a criminal law case should be supDressed. The editor took some trouble 10 explain to the lady that he was not in the habit of receiving bribes: but she flatly refused to believe him. Of course she said everybody in the colony knew that editors "took money." You could buy a paper to do anything: lots of people had told her so: and she ha.i always understood that half-a-erown would go a long ■way in a ftttle matter like this; but if it wasn't enough —and here she proceeded to find her purse. But the editor in question, who is too experienced a man j of the world to los? his temper lightly, only smiled serenely and bowed the lady out. What was the good of talking to anyone like that about honesty, or explaining that she had insulted him and his profession? And I suppose there are plenty more like her in the colony, and these are the people "who have the impudence to talk about the ■'corruptibility" of the press. Th 1 colonial press may not be everything it ought to be; but it is an unfailing rule that journalism anywhere is at least as honest and respectable as the majority of the general public deserve. Have you ever pitied the critic? I dip deep in the ink to ask that question, for it is both momentous and a lest. I uin aware that Marie Corelli has not: and I ana inclined to believe that Mr. Hall Came has found him a devouring wolf, and not fit to clean the boots (ii wolves ever have cleaned boots) of John Storm, and that immaculate young man in the "Eurnal City." But I ask not my question of the great; I ask it of you who are humble, you ■who cannot aspire to sympatliist with

the "Sorrows of Satan," or to specu- j late as to the existence of a mighty atom. Do you. too, believe that the critic is always a creature with a sneer, on his lips, and hard at heart? Of' course. I mean when he is not criticis- j ing you, or your best friend, or your j best friend's best sister (for mothers- j in-law, and a few other select relatives, j I am told suggest that you should exer-' cisc a rigid neutrality in the matter).! I am asking the question, because the ! attack on this "venomous viper' as our injured grandfather? were apt to i call those who ventured to state that ' they hud yet a step to advance towards j perfection—because, as I say. this a.tta k i is becoming both general in extent. a.nd I formidable in degree. The Hamilton trouble I -will lightly pass over. The i local paper held that a gentleman who • *11 by himself, played "Alone on a Raft" | (it is a piece which is said to lend nself I to a small programme) . "although well ' east. - '' showed slight deficiencies in the matter of "make-up"' and voice. Another consolatory compliment followed—but the local band, for whose benefit the occupant of the raft ga\e his services, proved irreconcilable. The buUer on each side of the sandwich was good, but the contents, they held, were no: nice.

So they passed a motion of protest. The paper in due course replied to the effect that in certain remote contingencies unadulterated praise might not be the ideal treatment, even of a gentleman who i≤ good enough to appear alone on a raft. There, so far as I know, the tnartpr rests. The critic is criticised for his criticism, and the criticism of the critic is criticised for criticising the criticism. It is a very pretty game, but if I were playing it. my love for quietude would suggest a draw and peace with honour. *»H,-M 111"M' Then there are the Nelson bcvs. Someone told them their magazine, u.e ]Selsonian,» was possessed of a s>/le that, if not quite indigestible, was not e» light and easy of assimilation as the znore frivolous might desire. Their ye ply is good for the trade in dictionaries At the nsk of killing a stray With the surfeit of words which it involves. 1 herewith set it down- "We are accused of degenerating editorially into a pemicioub Latinised style of liteir.rv composition. We must say we banlly expected to have a projectile of this quality hurled at us. \V e recognise that there are mental digestions inured to milksop Anglo-Saxon diet which are upset by the sonorous virility of a few poiysvilabies. Still, we can't promise to pare our expressions down to jejune aridity to accommodate the mangelwurzelish mental standard of each and every clamant bucolic. But we must in ail due contrition of soul keep a watchful eye on this misguided tendency of ours towards polysyllabic ponderosity,

and consider the tender susceptibilities of our critics." If the reader has sur--1 vived that angry Llood of 2selsonian i rhetoric, I venture to point out I that the views of these interesting boys ! are worthy of the highest consideration. I Indeed, I wish John Ruskin were alive :to read them —except that he would himself suffer under the scorn of the new generation, who must accuse him in particular—or at least equally with Ad- ] dison and Swift and Goldsmith, of es- ! pecially inviting his readers to accept the "milksop Anglo-Saxon diet" which they despise. And I. poor Zamiel, was, in my long past youth threatened with pedagogic vengeance dire if I said "comnieiieement" for "beginning," ■'assist'" : for "help." or '■sufficient" for "enough"! Ah! times have changed, and the child :is indeed the father to the man —or had I better say that the youthful progeny is t'ne paternal relative to the adult individual of the human species? My ] f boys. 1 will say anything —except "en- | core" —to that wordy cannonade. To I j that I run up a flag of truce, and ignoI rniniously surrender. 'l"l"t"l">'l"l"i-i"ir When one meets a bishop who unites in his nature a love of sport, a j f of humour, and a desire to perpetrate i t some very light literature, it is time s to turn round and make inquiries. The 1 following quotation from a conlenipo- |c rary will explain the occasion of this v introductory remark:—"it is stated that f Bishop Welldon, who is accompanying j the M.C.C. team in Australia, will writu t a book on the tour in conjunction with r Mr P. F. Warner." 1 can understand 11 other great men doing these things. [ L remember hearing a few years back how s Mark Twain travelled round Austria f with an Oxford Association football ( eleven. He was always apt and gener- ] ally unconscious. In fact, the eleven c found twelve their best unit; they were ; sorry for themselves when they were ,-. eleven again. Mark was an ideal public 4 to carry about: he talked American, which is nearer English than is German. I am not sure that he could not also c smoke a clay pipe: and 1 believe he c cculd tolerate the milder sins of the \ second or third generations. I couid also t understand Dan Leno. or Sir \N illiau. , Harcourt, or our own King Dick, or the t Poulett claimant, doing these things, j l>ut a bishop is another matter alto- r gether. Between being a deuth's-head L and the gentle encoumger of frivolous c worldliness the choice is neither epis- j ( eopalian nor easy. Bi* 1 believe, as I], have hinted, that Dr. Welldon's beset- [ tin<r sin must be a rather cruel sense of "humour, for the basis of humour is c incongruity. As for the book, it is de- i ; lightful to think of. Ii will be as a L flower in the wilderness, lending sweet j j contrast to the sombre tomes of the , Doctor's less ambitious efforts in litera- j ture. With Mr Warner for co-partner j, iin this enterprise, I am sure that the j. Bishop should be a happy man, and his <\ public pleasurably expectant. ( I came across a curious advertisement ' this week Somebody to find a ' ■"home" in the country for a small boy 1 seven years old. This is not an adoption j ! advertisenn . >o ot course the owner j of the said 'a —l trust that it isn't a ] : parent —is ~%■;.-red to pay a premium.) How ruuen, v \v. for the board and lodg- j« ing. the clothing ana general upbringing j , of a boy now ?ged seven years? mc oiler ' , is—lo "shillings a month! Think of it! [ Six pounds a year! Half-a-crown a week ' —it suunds better that way —for the ■ complete physical, moral, spiritual and . intellectual care of a boy! I wonder ' ■ i what sort of ".home' , the advertiser ex- ' ' pects to get for the unfortunate c lild; and what sort of life the chili will lave j I 1 if the ""home" is found. We hear a good 1 ; deal about child-slavery in America, and ' even in England; and I fear that there must be something very like it in New 1 j Zealand, if people are prepared to underI take to bring up somebody else's child lon 2/ 0 a week. 1 •i»i"fr*i"i"fc'i"lri"i ,

On the subject of motor-cars —I have seen two or three specimens lately which struck my fuucy nilglitily and suggested this idea to mc. Somebody has been kind enough to send mc a copy of rules issued by the famous De Dion motor factory for the use of English customers. Unfortunately, the French gentleman who compiled the rules, though he presumably knows all about motoring, has only a bowing acquaintance with our tongue, and the result is a beautiful specimen of "English as she is wrote." The work of translating French ideas I into English words was performed by I looking up the word in a French English 1 dictionary and writing down the first equivalent given. The result is some- : what astonishing. For example, the : French for "revolution" is "tour," which lin my dictionary is interpreted to mean I a "lathe." Hence arises this ingenious jdiiection: '"The mover must goes regui larly with 1500 lathes."' Again "moteur" ii≤ certainly "'motor," but tiie ordinary j meaning is ''mover." And we have rule.- ---■ "for making the mover walking," under j which we are told, among other things. I "push thoroughly the handle on, and hurl the mover till his starting." Furthermore, "lever" in French is "levier.' r

which also signifies a crowbar; and so "for making the carriage slacken and making it stopping" we are informed, "When you are in first speed, push the crowbar forward and make drag with the pedal." Again, "for going backward" we are requested to "take back the crowbar in little speed and in debrayagp if you will stopped." Occasionally the compiler appears to feel that a little encouragement is needed to give the motorist confidence in the rules, as thus: "For making the carriage completely stopped wh*n it goe3 at 15 kilometres in a hour take abruptly the crowbar of embrayage back in the middle, ant tighten thoroughly the pedal, so. you must stop in 5 yards." I like that authoritative "must" nearly as much as the following seductive elfort at moral suasion: "The carriage beeing drawn along at a superior speed of 10 kilometers, for taking the spcond speed push rapidly the crowbar forward without brutality!" I think that phrase "'without brutality" is simply charming. It suggests so admirably the professional expert's assumption of a personal individuality for his beloved machine. But the whole collection is most edifying, and without desiring to advertise the comiZT tor ; * Can reT ed 'VL rales as a most entertaining study for the members of the A.A.C