RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXXV, Issue 38, 13 February 1904, Page 4 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

£MI IZAMDOT

Rome writx a name to Ia?h; Seme write — yam thought — for needful cash. £orae write to please the country clash, And a din. For mc. an aim I never fash— I writ ? for fun. '•War at kit!" everyone seems if not to be saying, to be at least implying in what he -ays. The tan of the matter is that for once fpersonally, I think" that for us with Briti-h blood in our "veins it i< for one out of many times) we are really glad to Hear the bugle -ound for that advance. The psychology of the thing is -om plicated. aod I am not one of those who find human motives as simple ;" s does the melodramatic or Mr* Homy Wood. But 1 know that for one thing -people •"hud a sort of suspicion that that Far Easwrn crisis was a newspaper bogey, kopt. for exhibition when news was -carce- They felt they wore being taken in. They missed an extra penny =peDt on a last edition when that ■ ■risi- -.vas the main attraction the paper had t<l ofiV*: and They came at last to say thaT there was r,fl real crisis, and that the war c-ould well lie postponed fur the discussion of their great granticbildren. iNextly. those, of us who knew there was a real crisis were beginning to find the thing getting on our nerves a little. There w.re superheated gases beneath those peaceful Far Kistern plains, and they would iind an outlet some day soon in a manner that might be too terrific to be atoned for even by a newspaper sensation. The rift in the rocks has burst open, but so far we are glad to find that it is net so wide as we feared. Then those of \:s who prophesied there vrould be war have now the sweet satisfaction of being wise after the event. However these things may be. I don't think there is a true Briton in the ■world who is not glad that the brave little Japs are getting the best <jf it. It is in our national character to like and condescend at the same time. And the multum in parvo -lap appeals to our sense of humour as well as our affections. 4"i-4"!-4~l"£ , 4"i"i , The peof-Le who are anxious: to know whar kind of person the modern Elijah represents himself to be may read the interview that appeared a few days ago in the '"Star." Dr. Dowie's opinions on himselr are doubtless valuable: but 1 may be forgiven for finding more interest in the views of another Dowie — The Leader of The Zion Restoration Host. Dr. Gladstone Dowie—who has heen engaged in Australia lately in refuting the "calumnies" to which his venerable parent has been subjected by various newspapers on both sides of the world. The parent Dowie (iocs not think much of journalists, and doesn't seriously attempt to hide his prejudice?, but the son is much more decided nnd expressive. •""All pressmen are liars." observed Dr. Gladstone Dowie. when questioned lately on thi< enthralling subject h\ a London reporter. "'AH pressmen arc liars. They are Satan's mouthpieces on earth, and The London journals are even bigger liars than the American yellow press."' According to ihe Overseer of the Christian Catholic Church of Zion. the head and forefront of their offending is "the cloak of respectaybilitee "'" under which they veil Allusions to "filthy suggestive dyed-in-the -mud partk-U-lars, of murders that even the w-u-u-r-r-st of X'Yark'.- gutter rags would colour carmine to print." The reverend doctor considers it essentially dishonest of "London papers *.o •'Sttb-doo" their headlines, while the Yankees are "right hone-t" about their prizefights and murders, "and give them full blast in half-inch black capitals." Perhaps when Dr. Gladstone Dowie sees our "scare-heads" about the war he won't be so ready to call them "subdoo'd"— [ assume, of course, that Dowie pere will send Dowie fils a copy of that' interview heavily blue-peneiiled. But I fear that even Zamiel, the =oul of veracity, will not seriously modify Dr. Gladstone's opinions about the average journalist. Of course we haven't given Zion so much prominence as it has lately received iv London and Chicago and New York: but I am afraid that what has been said about the modern Elijah and bis magnificent claims by the- papers even on this side of the globe is enough to confirm his apprehension about our ultimate future. '•Pressmen/* said Dr. Gladstone, at the condition of the above-mentioned interview. •"Pressmen the world over are the biggest liars I ever struck. They are absolutely un-eonvartibkV Alas: poor Zaniiel! -;--j-'j-v-i-;--t-;"l--r The last "Frisco mail boat seems to Lave brought an unusual number of American visitors to Auckland —or, perhaps, they were an unusually characteristic type of American. They seemed generally to pervade city and suburbs for a day or two. and proceeded to "do" all our pi/turesqueness with great energy. By midday after th? boat came in, one party had been up One Tree Hill, and driven round Remuera. and gone down to St. Helier's Bay. and climbed Mount Eden, and taken a casual glance at the Museum and the Art Gallery and Albert Park: and hospitaHe Aucklanders got quite tired of suggesting to the strenuous strangers trips that they had taken before most people vere well out of bed. They seemed fairly tolerant of our local peculiarities: but two of . them must have been considerably delighted by a little episode that was brought under their notice at the railway station when the Roto.-ua train was about to start. They had down to >cc two Aucklanders (iff. and the local gentlemen were natural!" anxious to show the visitors that Xe\.' Zealauders are a mighty free and independent lot of men. even ii they don't call themselves a Republic. When they got to the station there was. as usual, no room on the train, and there •wa* a genera! scramble for seats. The Aucklander? looked round and could find only one empty carriage, marked "reserved" in a conspicuous manner, but they were not to be beaten. They proceeded to inform the Americans that in this country we don't worry much about conventions and ceremonies; every man is as good as another, and. reserved or not, they were .joing to ride in that carriage. So in they got. and settled themselves down in great comfort, while the Btrangus looked reverently on. There

was a guard standing by vrho might have elucidated the situation, but he, like the illustrious Brer Fox, lay low and "kep' on savin' nuffin." Three minutes before time the satisfied reflections of the Aueklanders were disturbed by the advent of a distinguished foreigner, followed by a cortege of retainers and officials. "This carriage is reserved,"' said the porter in awe-stricken tones, '"for the Count of Anhalt Dessau fcjondershausen:" and there was the Count himself looking immensely Continental and dignified, and plainly waiting for the .Aucklanders to retire. One of them, catching: the eye of the observant Americans, began to expostulate, but the official pointed to the mystic legend on tlie windows, the polysyllabic Count frowned in his best foreign manner, and the two Aucklanders climbed feebly out. The Americans did not disguise their joy, and with two minutes to go, the local gentlemen began a hurried chase up and down the crowded platform, plunging headlong into every carriage in turn. and bolting out again despairfully into I lie arms of the sympathetic strangers, who punctuated their contentment with stage whispers concerning the nature of colonial republicanism and the special brand of liberty and equality that flourishes under the Southern Cross. I have been informed that one. of the Ancklanders was last seen negotiating with the engine-driver for a seat on the cow-catcher: but this may be ironicaL It must have been a painful experience, but our friends may console themselves with the thought that they have materially enlarged the social experience of two intelligent strangers, not including the Count. I wish to goodness someone would invent a substitute for the shunting of trains. There is no decent human being with a soul to save and no interest in railways who would say that he enjoyed the operation. Take the first ground of object ion. An ordinary engine is made with a sensible whistle; at its best it quietly howls, and at its worst ifc emits but a single sJiriek. Not so with your goods engine, which is purposely niado to shunt and be shunted. That is a monstrosity of its species; a thing that knows its own deficiencies so well that it tries to be mistaken for something else. Why it imitates the particular beast it does —a creature whose voice one spends a considerable portion of one's life in trying to ignore—l cannot conceive; and that it should multiply the volume of the voice of that unmusical bird by let us say in our moderation seventeen, hurts my feelings of propriety still more. But it isn't only the noise, it's also the inconvenience and the mistakes that arise from this immoral process called shunting. The few trains I have ever missed, 1 have missed because they had been shunted on to another line, and because as a consequence they left the wrong platform. 1 am not an engineer, nor a railway director, ncr have 1 the genius of the inventor. I can't then suggest any alternative; it is only tl-at my sensitive spirit frels more reed for reform in this, direction than does the adaptive consciousness of my fellow-creatures. They are ready to take the engines , that are given them, whether they crow like a- cock or howl like a jackall or shriek like a magnified green parrot. That is a wrong to themselves and to mc. For what can I do by 'nyrJ-.'f? 1 have mentioned that 1 am not a specialist, and that 1 am not in a position to make suggestions. I will now tell you what 1 am. lam a dilapidated wreck that wants some sleep. A little would do. The model city of Timaru has, I observe, almost decided to set an example to the world by abolishing the credit system of satisfying one's debts, and in-.-istirtg a& a universal principle on "cash payments only." There is reason in the proposal so far as those who have got money arc concerned. If I have money 1 like to pay on the nail: it saves much arithmetic, some waste paper, and tons of waste energy (which should be directed to nobler ends than buying meat and paying, perhaps, for clandestine excesses 1. But sometimes you haven't got money. 1 have heard of several instances in which this is plainly the case. Then suppose a man wants to get anything and hasn't got money to pay for it. and there's no credit, what is be to do? Granted, even that he is more modest in his tastes than Mrs. Rawdon Crawley, who, with her husband, accomplished toe~"rare but not unique feat of Hvirur on nothing a year; granted that he prefers earthenware to china, oilcloth to carpets, and tea at a shilling a pound to "our best blended"; there arc still Besides the class whom we discussed in our school-days as living to eat. there is also the uninteresting and quite common class who eat to live. j I don't justify them; I merely state j the fact. What does Timaru propose to do with these people. Are they to be marrvrs to the principle of cash-pay-ment, or does the scheme provide -ilso for free meals to advertise its own excellence? At present 1 can only sen in vensm cases the exhaustive alternative of credit or death. As for the hire purer ase system (which is necessarily included In the bill of indictment), that will he badly missed. It is wonderru! how you value a thing when you have paid for it six times over. Like another thing, you '"cherish it and brood over it in solitude." On the other hand there won't be so many cheap pianos about. In short, it is difficult to either praise or condemn a scheme that, while it has such obvious merits, has also itb evident dangers. 4,4,4,4,4,4,4,4,4,4, I went into a restaurant in the city on Sunday evening and found it crowded. Everybody was so exceedingly busy that I felt constrained to ask a rather dejected waiter if there was anything unusual about all this. Oh. no. it was like that every Sunday evening— "ever since the trams began to run." I hadn't -the heart to ask that waiter if he bad voted for the Sunday trams: but I went away gathering as much consolation as I could by repeating energetically to myself "I told you so." Yes, we have got the Sunday trams: ana -is I ventured to prophecy we have got the Sunday restaurant, and we are not likely to stop there- I wonder how maiij men and women the-se Sunday trams have already robbed of their well-earned rest at the week end; for, as the waiter said, "Of course the people wouldn't come out to tea on Sunday evening if the trams "were not waiting to bring them into town." And this is only the beginning "t the end. I am afraid that before long a great many people who voted eagerly for the Sunday trams will wonder why they did it when they discover that they, too, like the motormen and the conductors, have lost their "Sunday off-"