Seasonable Humor.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIV, Issue 305, 23 December 1903, Page 4 (Supplement)

Seasonable Humor.

"You believe in Santa Claus, don't you. Bobby?" '"Do you mean just before or after Christinas, uncle?" The origin of the phrase, "A Christmas box," dates back to the time when apprentices of the lGth century used to carry a box round and solicit contributions from their masters' customers. Counsel to witness: How far were you from prisoner when you saw the assault? I was ten yards two feet six inches. How came you to be so exact? Well, 1 thought some fool or other would ask mc, so I measured it. "Don't you like jam?" said a Sunday school teacher to a pupil who was munching away at a dry piece during their summer picnic. "Ay, sir, I like it weel aneuch, but I work i' the place where that's made." A certain woman assured her husband she never told a lie, and never would. He told her he did not doubt it, but would hereafter cut a notch in the piano when he knew she deceived him. "No, you won't," she screamed. "I'm not going to have my piano all ruined!" Highwayman: Halt! Your money or your life! Victim: It's no go, stranger. My wife's in the same line of business always at Christmas-time, and she's just finished with mc. An enterprising fishmonger, who was in the habit of taking a drop too much, was advised by his well-wishers to join the Good Templars. He attended several meetings, and one night he was asked to favour the company with a song. To the surprise of all. he sang, '•(lae, bring to mc a pint a' wine." He was never asked to sing again.

Tommy (on Christmas morning): "Where does Santa Claus get all his things, mamma?"

Mamma: ''Oh, he buys them." Tommy: "Well, he must be a jay to let anyone palm off a tin watch on him!"

"You may talk of Bill Jones and Bill Walker. Bill Brown; There's a. bill that beats all of them somewhere in town; A bill that is waiting for all of us still. And the name of this great one is Christmas Bill!" A CHILD'S NOTIONS. Rosie's grandmother, a lady of huge proportions, had just died. Rosie's mother had just told the little one the sad news. "So grandma's dead now," she said in wondering tones. "Yes, dear. Grandma is now an angel in Heaven," the mother replied. Robie remained in deep cogitation. Evidently she was not quite reconciled to the idea. At last she slowly said, "But, mummy, what an awful big, fat angel grandma will make!" WHY HE DTD IT. "Edward, did you pick all the white meat off this chicken?" "Well, pop, to make a clean breast of it, I did." HAPPY PETER. A clergyman was Bitting in his study one evening hard at work on the following Sunday's sermon when a visitor was announced. She was a hard, mus-cular-looking woman, and when the minister set a chair for her she said, somewhat brusquely:— "You are Mr J. , ain't you?" "I am." replied the clergyman. "Well, maybe you'll remember o' marrying a couple of strangers at your church a month ago?" The clergyman referred to Ms diary for a moment and then said:— "What were the names?" "Peter Simpson and Eliza Brown," replieirl the woman, adding, "and I'm Eliza." "Are you, indeed?" said the minister. "1 thought I remera " "Yes," interrupted the visitor. "I'm her, and I thought I'd drop in and tell you that Peter's escaped." MAKING SURE. One day a very nervous, timid-look-ing woman, accompanied by ' a robustlooking farmer man, came on the platform of a little railway station at a remote country spot- For a short tim<f she seemed to devote her attention- tc the time-table, but not finding there the satisfaction she sought, she stepped up to the stationmaster as he came out of his office. "Will you please tell mc if the threefifteen has gone yet?" she asked in apparent concern. "Yes, about 20 minutes ago," he replied. "And when will the four-thirty be along-, do you think?" "Why, not for some time yet of course." th" A ?'' " ere an y expresses before then?" one." "Any goods trains?" St H «!|9TOg at all?" H Nothing whatever." I y mly? l a e m SUre '" * said so." y T m or I wouldn't have | "Then." saia the „i,q I to in- husbani. «I tvV° m ™- turning f Ha , 1 -illiam-- ' U,ttk * eu "oss the

We know a man so cross-eyed that he put his hand into another, man's pocket and abstracted therefrom a vvatch. He wanted to learn the time. The judge told him it would be three years. Dr. Pills —Yes, old Milyuns was on the verge of nervous prostration all through worrying about his money. Dr. Squills—How did you cure him? Dr. Pills— removed the cause of the trouble. Lady of the House Well, professor, I hope you are enjoying your dinner? ProfessorOh, yes; I have to-day an appetite worthy of a better cause! An actor thus makes Jove to a pretty ; girl in private life: "Dearest, I love you devotedly. I implore you to listen to mc. I—l —— goodness gracious, Where's the prompter?" "How happy little Tommy looked when he sat down to the Christmas feast! The table fairly groaned under the weight of good things." "That's very nice." "But, ah, after the feast it was little Tommy who groaned under the weight of good things." TESTED. He (kissing her): Do you suppose any one can see us through those blinds? She: No one ever has. OBVIOUS. Bobbie: Aren't you going to hang up your stocking this year? Bobbie's Sister: No, indeed. I'm too old. Bobbie: But the older you are the more it will hold. AND NOW THEY DONT SPEAK. Miss Gusher —It was very good of you, Mr.' Highroller, to name your yacht after mc. What is she like? Mr. Highroller—Well, she's not much to look at don'tcherknow, .but she's very fast. FISH-LINE ABSORBS LEARNING. Extract from a student's letter: "I had a remarkable experience while out fishing yesterday. I dropped a line into a school of fish and it immediately became taut."

ONE FOR PARSIMONIOUS BROWN. Brown: "You mustn't feel disappoint- ; ed this Christmas, Johnnie. These j are terrible times we're having." Little Johnnie: "They must be pret- i ty hard, dad, when Santa Claus takes j the trouble to drag my old go-cart out of the lumber-room and give it a new coat of paint." A SPORTING CONVERSATION. Miss Hawkins: "I think there's a great deal in that notion that people become what they eat." Barlow: "Well, if they do, you must have eaten venison. You are such a deer little thing." Miss Hawkins (softly): "You are not making game of mc, are you, George?" A POSER FOR MAMMA, Ethel (aged five): Mother, was Eve a woman ? Mother: Certainly, dear. Ethel: And is Santa Claus a man? Mother: Why, of course he is, dear. Ethel ('after deliberation): Then, mother, did Santa Claus marry Christmas Eve. MIXED. A Texas reporter was sent to write np a cattle show and a fashionable ball on the same day. Unfortunately, he took too much wine, and got things mixed up a bit, as follows: — "Miss A. D., a beautiful young heifer with red and white spots on her back and fore shoulders, was charmingly arrayed in blue velvet, and ornamented with a cowbell. "Mr A. C, a fashionable yearling halfbreed, looked very well in lavendercoloured pants and loose cockle burrs in his tail; no ornaments. "Mrs A. K. L., a Texas raised cow, very gentle, looked lovely in ambercoloured silk with lace trimmings; wore a new belt round her shapely neck," « THE SPINSTER'S PARROT. An elderly single lady owned a parrot which had been brought in the usual way by ship to this country. It distressed her very much by always exclaiming when she entered the room i where it lived, "You foolish old woman, I wish you were dead." One day the clergyman called to see her, and she confided her woes about the parrot to him, upon which he suggested that it should be sent over to the rectory, as he had a parrot, but a highly moral bird, and he thought if the two were placed in the same room for \ a week or so they lady's parrot might '■ learn better manners. Accordingly the 'in was carried out. A week later the lady went to the i .""ctory to see her parrot, and was . much horrified on going into the room j whore both birds were to hear it say as : before. "You foolish old woman, I wish I y ju were dead." I Upon which the rector's parrot reI sponded. "We beseech Thee to hear ua, I good Lorl." ■■?■■■■■':■■'"/€■ '•.:... ..' : • .-■. '.■.■.:■••...■' -, ; ■ . ,'■'■' ,-.-...

Do carol singers measure their "scales" j with the assistance of the "waits" Doctor (to Christmas Waits) : "Come right into the surgery, and I will try to relieve ye. of your sufferings. No use standing there howling with pain," The girl who learns how to cook a Christmas dinner will never have to bestow her affections on pug dogs and paj- ' rots. Little Jennie (looking at the fat woman) : "Well, 1 hope Santa Claus will come to our house before he fills that lady's stockings." When a man ceases to make love to his wife, some other man begins. —Fables for the Elite. "I'm going to kiss you under the mistletoe when I go," he said. "Do it now, while I'm still young," she replied. Jenny: "I have the cutest little surprise for my husband for Christmas." Florrie: "How perfectly lovely I What is it?" "Jenny: "I'm not going to give him anything." Miss Kissem: "I never think of taking down the mistletoe directly after Christmas. I find it is months before it withers." Jack Rushitt: ——have you any objection to my calling on you regularly?" An editor was conducting a none too successful country paper. A funeral passed the office window, and the editor eyed it gloomily. "I wonder if that's our subscriber," he muttered to his assistant. _.- 3 "IT"*!!

"Jack, dear, how do you like the cigars I gave you?" "Oh, they're great." "I thought you would like them. Your friend in °Cuba, the colonel, selected them for mc. They cost twenty dollars a box, wholesale." Speculative Boarder: "And now that horseless carriages are an assured fact, I wonder what will come next?" Philosophical Boarder: "Let us hope that we shall have hairless butter, soundless pianos, voiceless elocutionists, and acheless backs." Oh, sing mc not of Christmas past, For though that may be pleasant, And Christmas future just as bright, I want the Christmas present. Mother: "Yes. Rupert; the baby was a Christmas present from the angels." Rupere (aged four): "Well, mamma, if we lay him away carefully and don't use him, we can give him to somebody else next Christmas." Little Girl: "Your papa has only got one leg. hasn't he?" Veteran's Little Ginrl: "Yes." Little Girl: "Where's his other one?" Veteran's Little Girl: "Hush, dear; it's In heaven."

An Irishman who was sleeping all nieht'with a negro had his face blackened'by a practical joker. Starting off in a hurry in the morning, he caught sight of himself in a mirror. wiled, he stopped nnd gazed, and finally exclaimed: "Begone, theyVe woke the wrong man up!"

A RETORT. The late Sir Frank Lockwood was a tall man, and for some reason an unruly member of his audience once called out to him in the middle of his speech: "Go it/i telescope!" "My friend is mistaken in applying that term to mc," Sir Frank quietly said, "he ought to claim it Tor himself, for, though he cannot draw mc out, I think I can both Bee through him and shut him up."

SAVED SOME. ] "Be mine," suddenly exclaimed the youth. With joy she fell into his arms acquiescently. "I was afraid," she faltered, tremulously, "that you hadn't the face to ask mc." True, he had left a large portion of his countenance on the field where last he contended at football, but he had enough left for the business in hand.

AFTER THE CHRISTMAS DINNER

Policeman (to irresponsible gent): "Now, then, what are you doing?" Irresponsible Gent from the Emerald Isle: "Shuxe, Oi'm laming to play the harrap!" Now has my Christmas joy decreased, My feelings are not pleasant, Because the girl I love the least Sent mc the nicest present. Nellie: "What brought about this serious trouble between Miggs and his sweetheart?" Arthur: "Nothing; only he thought a quarrel was cheaper than. Christmas present*." Giddy: "Halloa, old boyt Anyone remembering you this Christmas V Flighty: "Remembering mc? Well, I should say sol Even my creditors axe sending mc remembrances.'' THE CHRISTENTNG OF THE TWINS. The following amusing incident took place at a country church: A woman had brought her twins to be christened; one was a girl and the other a boy. She wanted them christened "Kate" and "Sidney" respectively; but when the clergyman asked her what names she wanted them christened the woman answered, somewhat absent-mindedly, "Steak" and "Kidney" (she was evidently thinking of what she had had for dinner). The people present burst into laughter, but eventually everything passed off satisfactorily.

His Unbiassed —Willies composition on soap is worth printing. He writes:—

"Soap is a kind of stuff made into nice-looking cakes that smell good and taste awful. Soap juice always tastes the worse when you get it in your eyes. My father says the Esquimaux don't never use soap. I wish I was a Esquimaux * Adam was one day remonstrating with Eve on her extravagance in dress. She pondered for a minute or two, then said meekly that she would try and turn over a new leal. Blobba: "Miss Yellowleaf cried when I kissed her under the mistletoe." Slobba: "Cried for mora, I suppose.'' Bobby: Did God make that new baby, pa?" Pa: Yes, Bobby. Bobby: Say, pop, about what does he charge for a kid like Jimmy?" Willis: "That young man who has been practising on the cornet for Christmas is iIL" Wallace: "Do you think he will recover?" Willis: "T am afraid not; the doctor who is attending him lives next door." An old lady was telling her grandchildren about some trouble in Scotland, in the course of which the chief of her clan was beheaded. "It was nae great thing of a head, bairns, to be sure," said the good lady, "but it was a sad loss to him."

"I have discovered," said Rook one day to a policeman in Queen street—"l have discovered one thing that no miser will keep." "What is that?" asked the bobby. "Christmas,'' replied Rook. GOT IT WRONG. "And, fellow-countrymen," continued the political orator, "this is the party of the people! This is the true, ho* ourable party! Where, I ask you, where are dishonesty, corruption, fraud, rottenness, blackguardism, and the scum of politics to be found?" "Hear, —hear, hear!" cried an enthusiastic mam "No, sir; not by any means," said the orator. "There is none of it here; it's all in the other party. Throw the traitor out!" And he was thrown.

MILLIONS IN IT. "Ha! Ha!" exclaimed the mad playwright, with a laugh of maniacal glee- "My fortune is in sight, at last! They've made a play of David Scarum, they've made a play of Mr Folley. they've made 'plays of the humorous columns in the Sunday papers, and of most every old thing that came along, but for my mighty genius lias it been reserved to dramatise the patent medicine, washing powder and breakfast food ads." Snodgrass—lt is queer how one kind of cake will turn into another. Snivelyl don't understand. Snodgrass — I've known Christmas cake to develop into stomach cake! Pure wedded life man's joy completes, t Philosophers have said. ! How true this is when baby eats Milk crackers in the bed lAt night, and 'twixt the snowy sheets I Three-cornered crumbs axe spread.

VERY KLND OF REGGIE. Reggie, who is a nice kind little hoy, meets old Captain Throttlem with tne two wooden legs on Xmas Eve, and shows his excellent disposition, "I say, Cap.," he says, "I'll lend you one of my stockings if you want to hang it up to-night." TO LESSEN THE NUMBER. Ambrose Keenan had a very large family, and the last addition of two made it imperative that he should "giv a han'" at rocking the cradle, and, generally, render himself useful when i home from his daily toil- One evening j Ambrose did not come home till late, j and when he arrived his better half was | in a distracted mood with the household j uproar- I Ambrose: "Ach, howld yer tongue, Oi cud nawt git away sooner. How wud yez do if there wore twinty to moind?" Mrs Keenan (savagely): "Began Oi'd ate sum iv thiml" New Governess —Now, Tommy, sit up, and tell ma what are "Weights and Measures." j —Please, Miss Jones, Waits are people who come howling outside at Christmas-time, and Measures are what papa says he'll take to stop 'em!"

Giddy Blade: "And how is my tweet one to-day I" Sausage: "Begone! Did you not cut mc this very hourl* i From his 'success in giving the little folks what they want we must infer that Santa Claus is one of the best mind-readers in the business. Customer: Waiter, I notice that the servants in this establishment are forbidden to receive Christmas-boxes." Waiter (solemnly): Sir, ever since my earliest childhood I have been noted for my disobedience. I broke my mother's heart through it. I Thank you, sir I THE DARLING OF THE LADIES. The curate had just arrived. He was young, good-looking, and single, and consequently was very popular with the ladies in the parish, whose appreciation took the usual form of worked slippers. Recently the following episode occured. Fair Caller— see, I wanted- to work Mr. Chasubule a pair of slippers, and I thought you might lend mc one of his old shoes to get the size." Curate's Landlady"Law, Miss, the shoes is all a-given out four days ago, and it was only yesterday morning a lady, as had heerd his shoes was all bespoke, came here a-imploring of mc to let her measure the wet footmarks in the reverend gentleman's bathroom immediately he had gone out."

Son: But accidents will happen, fa-. ther, in the best-regulated families. Father (angrily): That may be, sir, but I would have you to understand that mine is not one of the best-regulated families. Gussy. Do you know what I am going to give you for Christmas this year? Kitty (enthusiastically) No; only I'm sure it will be something new, and stylish, and elegant, and awfully expensive, You dear, reckless boy, youi" And Gussy wishes he hadn't said anything. A TERRIBLE NECESSITY. A bashful countryman, not making much progress with his wooing, asked a friend for advice as to how he could further his suit. "Tak' her for a walk noo an' than, and if there's ony concert or entertainment tak' her to that, an' by a time gie her a bit present, an' yell see yell get on fine wi her." Some time after he reappeared mors despondent than ever. "I ha'e tried. a' the things ye telt mc, an' it's o' ra« use.'' "Did ye ever kiss her?" "Na, na, I wadna like to dae that." "Oh, that's whaur ye ha'e gaun wrang. Ye maun kiss her." So next time be saw the object of hi* affection, he began to put the advice into practice. She pretended not to like lt< and tried to slide away from him, but he, growing desperate, cried, "I like it as ill as ye're fit tae dae, but it maun be dune."

PLEASING OPPROBRIUM. Little Jim: Dad and ma said I was a little heathen.

Aunt Jane: How dreadful! Aren't you sorry? Little Jim: No, not if they buy mc a Christmas present with the money, that's in the i.ussionary box.

ASTONISHING IGNORANCE. A little girl who was very anxious t«j possess a bicycle made it one of her petitions every night when saying her prayers. Her father on hearing this decided to reward her faith by giving her, not st bicycle, but a tricycle, which he considered safer, on her next birthday. Accordingly he bought a tricycle, and had it placed just inside her bedroom door after she was asleep. Next morning he was on the alert as soon as she was awake to hear hat gratified exclamation. She got out of bed, approached the" tricycle, and examined it, and the» gravely said, "Oh, God! to think that you don't know a bicycle from a tri« cycle!" NICELY CONCEALED. Theodore Parker was once delivering his famous lecture on "Benjamin Frank" lin" in Rochester, New York, and waa greatly annoyed by the creaking of on* of the doors. He endured it as long as he could, and then, apparently reading from his manuscript, and without changa of voice, said, "Franklin was a ,unlv«r" sal genius. He could never hear a door creak without thinking of a little oil to put on it." Few of those present noticed the interpolation until one of the air* tendants appeared with a huge can and began to oil the hinges. Then there wai a sudden appreciation of the joke, and a burst of applause. LONELY IN THE GALLERY. A well-known theatrical * managrt tells a good story at the expense of ■! colonial theatre, whose "Standing rooffli only" sign is no longer needed. One night, after the curtain wai" rung up, a small boy was discovered sobbing in front of the box-office. Th« manager of the theatre went to the lad and kindly asked him what the trouble was.

"I want my money back!" sobbed tM boy. In surprise, the manager aaked Ml reason for such a request. "Because—because I'm afraid to iHS up in the gallery all alone!" he wafl»A» His money was returned. ;