THE WAR-WHOOP OF "ARTEMUS."

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIV, Issue 230, 26 September 1903, Page 6 (Supplement)

THE WAR-WHOOP OF "ARTEMUS."

Here is a story cf Artemus Ward which is wholly new. It was told to Mr Robert Barr by one of the victims, who years afterwards was sent as Ambassador from the United States to a prominent country

In Europe. Artemus was lecturing in a Western city, and two prominent society young men Invited him to a little supper after the discourse was over. It was nearly two o'clock in the morning when his hosts turned out into the silent and deserted streets to escort Artemus to his hotel. The humorist, who was feeling pretty brisk, stopped suddenly on the paTement and gravely said: "Did you ever hear me give the Cherokee war-whoop?" His companions admitted thatthey had not had that pleasure. "Well," said Artemus, "I think I can waken the whole town, although I am uot snre of arousing THE MORE DISTANT SUBURBS," and with that he sent forth an ear-piercing yell that made the sleeping city in his immediate neighbourhood think the Day of Judgment had come. As the echoes of the appalling war-whoop died away, shrill policemen's whistles were heard in various directions, whereupon Artemus turned, deserted his two comrades, and ran like the warrior he had imitated. Before the two young men could gather their wits a policeman appeared out of the darknes3 and arrested them. "Drunk and disorderly and disturbing the peace," said the officer; "make no resistance, or it, will be the worse for you." And then he blew his whistle again to summon help in case the two should turn upon him, which they had not the slightest Intention of donig; but they were thunderstruck at the prospect of spending the night in the cells and having their respectable names in the papers next morning. They declared to the policeman that they had not uttered the shriek or murdered anybody, as he seemed to suspect, and the bobby sarcastically advised them to try that story on the magistrate in the morning. As they parleyed there, a tall, dignified gentleman in evening dress strolled along. "What is the trouble, officer?" asked the new-comer, In a most urbane tone of voice. "Drunk and disorderly," replied the policeman. "Oh, I beg your pardon," said the stranger, "but I know these gentlemen, aud can vouch for THEIR SOBRIETY AND RESPECTABILITY!" "And who are you?" asked the officer, not too well pleased by the interruption, yet mollified by the politeness of his interlocutor. "I am Mr Artemus Ward," replied the other. "I lectured last night before some two thousand of your best citizens at the Opera House, and among my audience I understand was your own Chief of Police, so 'if you wish me to accompany you to the station I shall be most happy to do so." The policeman was impressed, for he had seen the name of Artemus Ward on the hoardings in letters three feet long, and he had a deep respect for any man who could have hig name printed in such gigantic form. \ "Oh, if you know the men, sir, it will be all right, and I won't run them in, but who in thunder let out that blood-curdling screech? Did you hear it, sir?" "I did," admitted Artemus suavely, "and, furthermore, not five minutes since a man ran down In the direction from which I came as hard as he could go. I believe that he was the disturber of the peace."

"Ah, well," said the officer! with a sigh of relief, "that'll be the man, bad luck to him, and he'll run right into the arms of Mulligan, for that's on Mulligan's beat! Good morning to you, gentlemen, and my best apologies to the three of you I" "The mistake was quite pardonable," said Artemus, with his most distinguished bow. . I