RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIV, Issue 230, 26 September 1903, Page 4 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

V " BY., samiieil;

Some write a neighbour's name to lash; gome write — vain thought — for needful caeh. Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash.—• I write for fun.

I am not a vegetarian; but if I hear anything more about those abattoirs I shall ceartainly cease to be carnivorous. Really, the full, true, and particular account of what the Mayor of Grey Lynn and Dr. Makgill saw at our municipal slaughterhouse is enough, as Charles Dickens once pathetically remarked, to eicken a salamander. I don't know precisely what a salamander's taste may be, but if he resents the state of things that exists at the. abattoirs just now, he has my profoundest sympathy. Really, when one reads the gory details, and imagines the supremely loathsome conditions under which cattle are converted into "fillet of veal" and "prime steak" for the benefit of the Auckland public, one hesitates over tbe most attractive menu. I never approved of vegetarians; they do complicate life so unnecessarily. The first one I remember anything about was Pythagoras; and he seems to have drawn the line at beans. I used to think that this was a hygienic precaution, and I rather liked the idea. OBut when I discovered that it had something to do with transmigration, and that he refrained because he was afraid of incommoding the soul of some remote ancestor, I lost interest in him And I am not particularly wsceptible to the shudder that is generally enppoaed to be produced by a vivid depiction of the process of slaughtering sheep and cattle: I came across a curious vegetarian book once: one of those mystic pamphlets in which Karma and Seventh Day Adventism are mixed up with recipes for haricot cutlets and cereal tea. In this work there were a lot of pictures describing the interior of a slaughterhouse, and coloured a lurid and aggressive crimson. But it didn't touch my heart- I'm afraid that I am much harder than Tolstoi. That pnthusiastie prophet, having once gazed upon the horrors of a slaughterhouse, straightway forsook meat and wro-e a book about it which is calculated to make everybody with a soul to save e?nigrate at once to Battle Creek, Michigan, which is, I understand, the headquarters of the vegetarian cult. So far. I have held out successfully. I don't want to do any killing myself.

"No flocks that rnnee the valleys face, To slaughter I condemn; The butchers kill the shepp for me, I buy the meat from them."

I don't seem -to have got the words of the "gentle"hermit of the vale" guile right, hut the sentiment is plain enough. I don't intend to give up the traditional stesk and the ancestral chop ou which our nation has reared itself — ever since it gave up eating acorne and beech-mast many years ago. But I will submit to mellose and bromose and haricot beans and peanut butter —I will eat grass, like Nebuchadnezzar, all my days, unless the City Council straightway sets its abattoirs in order and cleans out that awful Augean stable that is doing duty as a slaughterhouse for this benighted and ill-starred city. "Mr. J. E. Hood has been appointed by the Council (i.e., the Oamaru Council) as caretaker of the town clock." Thus begins a charming editorial in a country contemporary, the name of which I withhold for no reason other than that I ■would not like its clear white to flush with pride to the lovely pink of certain of its half-penny rivals in the Imperial cit>. Having thus happily introduced its subject, this paper prdceeds to inform Mr. Hood of his responsibilities in regard to that clocks—responsibilities which "we scarcely think he yet fully realises. But"—saving clause! —" "but we feel confident that he will prove equal to the occasion in any emergency which might occur. He wishes it fully understood that the town clock is not to be regulated to suit the eccentricities of individual watches." Now, I like the generosity of this journal. The individual human being who finds he has arrived at a town clock after a ten minutes' walk nominally before he has started, or who finds the fingers of that same clock pointing to a time three minutes before the tabled departure of the train he has just missed, merely rages and won't reason. He does not "feel convinced" that that "caretaker of the town clock" will prove equal to the occasion in any emergency which might occur"—to suggest such a thing would merely increase his irritation and aggravate the offence. No; few individuals can emulate the philosophic optimism of this honourable sheet. And surely a childlike faith is one of the greatest of virtues in a newspaper, as in private life. The fact of the matter is that our country town clocks mean much more than we can ever realise. Have you watched the progress of that clock to a certain town between here and Wellington, its erection there, its solemn inauguration, the reports of its progress, how it is a working reality? I have. I shall never forget that clock. First one heard that it had been ordered from "far across the seas," as that absurd maiden save in the play, then that it had started then (like Sheridan's ride) that it was within twenty, fifteen, ten, five days from land; then that it had landed; and finally that it had been put up, looked at,, admired, wound up, set going, admireJ again, gained, lost, and, for a climax, was going well! It is difficult not to be touched by such a drama in miniiitura. I learned to respect that clock. But that is not the moral. The moral is that ouce a clock attains to playing a really great part in human affairs, that then one would as soon charge a "caretaker" with not reaching the ideal in attending to its ailments, keeping its' pace, and starting it fair, as one would of charging him with the most serious municipal delinquency. I see from the Southern and Australian papers that a number of people are still exercised in their minds as to how Sir Thomas Lipton has once again been-'beaten in the race for the America Cup. It doesn't seem to occur to a lot o." tlivsc critics that the American boat may have been the better of the two.

After all that is a very respectable reason for losing a race, and if Sir Thomas Lipton doesn't mind owning that lie has been fairly and squarely beaten by Herreshotf I don't see that we need be too sensitive on his account- However, the matter will not rest there- A* enthusiastic Scotch yachtswoman has threatened to challenge for "the mug;" and various Canadian clubs are talking about putting in a claim. Now, why shouldn't New Zealand entar a yacht for the America Cup? I name no names, but we have yachtbuilders here who have proved themselves unequalled in the Southern Hemisphere, and I don't see why they should not be able to hold their own against the best in the Old World as well. We 'have timber that simply cannot bo surpassed for yacht building; and if the hour came for a New Zealand yacht to sail to the other end of the earth to make a bid for the America Cup, I don't doubt that the man to sail her would be forthcoming. It would take a deal of money; but no idouiV; Sir Thomas Liptfonis generous ideas of legitimate expenditure could easily be cut down; ami I believe that the money could be found. Aβ far as fcM colony is concerned, it would be simply bhe most gorgeous advertisement that* New Zealand ever got; and I fancy that our Premier, who has a keen eye for an opportunity, would do his best personally and officially to help the scheme along. Just imagine what it would be like to triumph where England had failed! And even M we were beaten, it is sometimes glorious to try, even if owe doesn't succeed. But somehow I can't help feeling that we -would not be absolutely sure to lose. There is not very much danger that New Zealand will ever be called upon to submit to the tyranny of a rampant and de-spot-ie militarism. I make thia remark because I desire to console myself and bhe colony fo" tJhe occurrence of one or two little ■episodes not indirectly ooiinp-cted with /m>r military authorities, Which have lately come to light in the Pouth. Leland. Tn one case the captain of a company presumed to askhis commanding officer some inconvenient questions as to what had happened to the balance of a certain patriotic fund. The cp.ptavn held reasonably enough that as the fund had been raised by public subscription, and he, among others, h~i ivp 'had a to know ■what had been done -with it. But the colonel raged furiously, and finally put this insolent young captain under aarrest for daring to ask his superior officer som'ethiijja: whiich fchait officeir didn't want to discuss. I suppose that captain is now languishing in "the deepest 'n«atJh the castle moat" or thereabouts; ami I hope that all people who have an inadequate respect for military dignity will take warning. hi«rpbv. The O'tfher co,«ie -was about an artillery captain who fined a gunner in his corps 10/ for insolence, and tried hard to get him sent to gnol because the fine was not paid. Ha.ppily, tbe Magistrate who heard the epae bpA some sense of the dignity of his position, and asked some very awkward questions. It came out that the captain -was incensed asrainst the gunner because th« gunner had said tliat the captain, who is a tailor, ought not to get the coiltract for simnlviri? the company's uniforms unless it was open to public tender. According to West Coaet papers this little incident has caused much strong feeling; and T don't wonder at it. Tf that sort of thing went on unchecked we would soon reach the state of affair* that prevails in Germany, -where it seems no man can call hie body or his soul his own in the presence of. a military uniform. T thrink too well of this country and the people in it fco believe tlmt this will b« allowed to go on; but T think everybody omsht to know the facts and understand the danger. The "Daily Mail" is celebrating the close of the "Silly Season" with a voluminous selection of letters on the question of "Public School Fare"—with subeheadings such as "Schoolboys' Food." Personally, I think the teas light that is thrown on the schoolboy's food the better for his bilious elders. Rut, however this may be, the "Daily Mail" has succeeded in getting a large number of boys—this veracious halfpenny organ (to .be distinguished from the' pianoorgan at a penny) asserts that they number "hundreds" —who are in varying degrees of hunger, discomfort or indigestion. Now I read quietly down the cotenm of the "Daily Mail" until I reached a letter that appalled me with ■the tragic meaning of its statements. It was a clever letter, artistically workin<* to a climax. And here is this same climax: "I am 19 years of age, and my weight Ls 6st 91b." At first I grew very pensive over that statement. At 19 the moderately thin boy of average size even should Be lOat or more. Then I read that letter over again. Finally the whole thing flashed across my mind it was a fat boy's joke—if not the fat boy's, at least tihat of the fattest bhey could find with a sense of .humour and a ready pen. How I know this is more than I can explain. Roughly it lies in that ever useful word instinct! There was "a grin in that letter as evanescent as that of the Cheshire iat, but assuredly as clearly perceptible to the eye of imagination as tine grin of that notable feline was to the simple Alice. Then I began to wonder how many more of these letters were written for a mighty good joke by these merry young scoundrels. But bhe idea of taking a boy's view of his diet for the statement of a sober and scientific factl The i-rue boy never yet had enough to eat. The boy who has enough to eat is not a boy, he is a virtuous little prig who will come to a bad end. The decent sort of a boy, the boy Who fights hoa battles and becomes a man is aa insatiable as a vulture and as appreciative as a marmosette. He has two scores against the world: ibhiose of insuflident quantity and deficient quality. He is a young fool if he doesn't make claims for a double improvement —so long as it doesn't get him a hading (with which every schoolmaster is rightly inclined to punish bad diplomacy). # .ti.tiif»rf■■ti l T l rliryirt»rf* TttTTxTttx As for any accidental trutfti the ■indictment may possess, there are several Wirings to be .«aid. With tine people who want tiheir children to be brought up on salmon mayonnaise or devilled chicken legs, one can only have contempt; they are the wealthy counterpart of the man who gave the remnants of his 'Hong beer" as a solace to his baby. On the other hand, I have known schools in no distant part of the Empire Where bodily hunger is supposed to have a subtle connection with that Off the mind. The rancid butter and the many-flavouired coffee may be taken bo be a premonition of a life in lodgings and boardinghouses. But it involves & cruel policy,

the logical conclusions of which would form a particularly good example of a reductio ad aibsurdum. Excellent in Sparta, it a little reactionary heire and tonlay. But wibat I do admire is the way in which your consdejoitdouß schoolmaster prides himself on bhe fact that wfaat the boye eat the "staff" of the school eats boo. I know a sohool in a neighbouring colony where the assistant has fco last through a morning on a single egg because that is the breakfast of tlhe boys. He tells me he has got used to it—when the egg is good. Somefcimas it is not, and lie is now training himself to do without breakfast so as to be superior even to that dilemma. Now no parent could quarrel with a diet having such an initial testimony as this. Here is the argument stated in logical form: All that is eaten by an assistant-master is good; this assistant -anfliSiber eats nearly all hie food (for he couldn't eat much less); therefore nearly all his food is good. Talcing this conclusion for the major premiss of a new argument we have: Nearly all this food is good; the boys (being very hungry) eat all this food; therefore] (iseeond and last conclusion) nearly all ■that these boys eat is good. But rather than that any assistant-master should commit suicide in face of this pitiless logic, I should recommend him to keep a private cupboard. And even sih-ont of this tibere is always hope that the rules of this very logic are null and void in face of tbe facts of life. Fox instance, logic tells us that a thing , can't botih be and not be. But look at those tram conductor. I learn both that they all want to run'trams on Sunday, and tftiait none of them want to run trams on Sunday; a conclusion which a fatuous logician would say in that jargon of his was "impotssiible." But wh ait's tfhfi use of saying a thing is impossible wihen you know it/is a fact? That, surely, is academic "high falutin'" run mad- The bystander will nott use such a word. Even if he iis eventually told that the trams rum on Sunday, and #iat they do not run on Sunday, it wall show the folly of hi<i ©o-oalled science if he cannot reoond'le the two apparently conflicting sfcaibemenite. And the great virtue of tbe reconciliation is tflistit it always leavies a, reserve force for the individual, whether schoolmiasber or tram conductor, who cares to call it in asd. Anyhow the ex-periemoe of several of my friends tells me that both food in schools and trams in Auckland can both be and not be wfheme tihiey are wanted.