MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXII, Issue 147, 22 June 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Nervous Party: The train seems to be travelling at a fearful pace, ma'am. Elderly Female: Yua, ain't it? My Bill's a-driVin' of the ingin, an' 'c can make her go when }c'» got a drop o 1 drink in Jim!

"I think Miss Mordaunt is pretty old in the head." "Do you?- Now, I really thought it was her own hair. It just shows you how one can be deceived."

Generous. —Beggar: Can you assist » poor man with a, wife and four children? Gent (very much married): Certainly. You can have mine.

Sold Again.—Mrs Potts: I hear, Mrt Derby, that your husband bought two revolvers and a gun for any burglars who may call. Mrs Derby: He did, and they came the other night and took them. .

Reckless. —Nurse: "Xou. silly- child! Now you've spilt half your tea on yom new pinafore! Little Innocent: It doesn't matter. I've had enough!

Mrs Bixby: I don't know what I should do if'anything were to happen to mother. Bixby: I don't know what I should do, either. I really couldn't afford to spend the money necessary f<* the proper celebration of the event.

Time to Ptesort to Force.—When you call in the police.

She (sweetly) : What beautiful rpses ; so fresh. Is that dew ott them ?

He (haughtily) : There is nothing due on them.

Was One Himself.—"Jimmy, where did you get that sixpence from?" "It's the money you gave me for the heathen." "Then, why did you keep it?" "Well, teacher said I was a heathen."

A Natural Conclusion. —Mistress: How is it I saw a soldier huggng you in th« kitchen last night, Jane? Jane: I don't know, ma'am, unless you were peepin* through the keyhole.

Spiteful Cat.—Miss Snappy: I hear that you are engaged to young Bounder. I shouldn't care to be in your show. Miss Smart: I dare say not. They would pinch you too much. (Ain't some girls nice to each other?)

She: What excellent taste you artists have. He: Well, you see, our living depends upon our palate.

Walter: Just as I was proposing to 1 her a mouse ran under her chair. Herbert: And did she scream? Walter: She I did after she had said "Yes."

"She's the best matchmaker in out town." "Ah! Matrimonial or plala sulphur?"

Young Hopeful (to his big sister): I 1 say, Nell, pass me the butter. Nell (In : a tone of sisterly reproof): If what, Johnny? Johnny (goaded to despera.* ;

tion by the delay): If you can reach it.

Slimson: Willie, where did you get that black eye? "It's all right, pop. I've only been civilising the boy n«rt doer."

Mrs Pettit: Whenever I express * desire for anything my husband never objects, Mrs Ig. Nord: Same with me. I can express the desire as often U I ;; please. It never disturbs him.

Rector : Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to tell you that I saw your boy fishing last Sunday. Mr. Jonfcs : Confound the rascal I I thought it was strange I couldn't find my fishing-rod.

Congenial Couple—Penelope: and you say they are engaged? Patrice: Yes. Penelope: Have they any tastes in common? Patrice: Yes, they like the asune kind of sweets.

Wife (whispering): Wake up, Job* There are burglars downstairs. I hear the rattle of silver. "That's all right. It might be the rattle of coal."

A Way Out—The Poet: Fin af»ld I've unwittingly changed my pegasas into a mule, he is so obstinate. The Poet's Wife: Why didn't yon change him into an ass and write something for the magazines?

Regrets.—"Doctor, yon toM me three months ago that if you didnt perform an operation on me I would be & o'fiac' man in twenty-four hours." "Well, I was wrong, and I can only express my great sorrow for it."

Two of » KincP.-^Jaggies: What makes you think they are searching tat the unattainable? Waggles: His wife is seeking for something to remove superfluous hair, while he k looking for a preparation to grow h«fr on a bald head.

Figuratively Speaking.—"Mrs Gasawi knows her busband like a book," opined Mrs Trotter, "Like a cheque book/ added Mrs Giddings.