MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXII, Issue 46, 23 February 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

MERRIER MOMENTS.

TIE NEVER SAW ANY. Artist—What a fine world tliia would be if there wasn't any money! Poet—is there? THE OTHERS HADN'T ASKED. "Ana I the first fellow that eve» kissed you, dearest?" "You are the first man I ever p£ r , mitted to kiss me!" , ~ Two next-door neighbours quarrel,, led, and one of them exclaimed excitedly—"Call yourself a man of sense!. Why, you are next dofcr to an idiot." Callei I—l1 —I hear that your husband was caught by the explosion. Was he hurt? Mrs. MoFagan—He wor. They tell me thot wan ay his wounds is fatal, but th' other two ain't dangerous an', wull heal up quick. "Freddy, why did you drop the baby on the floor?" "Well, I heard everybody say it was a bouncing baby, and I wanted to see it bounce." ' ■ A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny:, "A canner can can '~ Anything that he can, But a canner can't can a can, can he?" Old Lady (giving a very diminutive nip of whisky to her gardener)-. There, Dennis, that whisky is twenty j rears old! Dennis—ls it that, mann? Sure 'tis mighty small for its age! .Miss Primrose —Don't you give your dog any exercise? ; ~ ~ Miss Hollyhock (fondling a fat {Hiirdog) —Of eoursfe; I feed him with chocolates every few minutes just to, make him wag his tail.

Doctor —Did you notice the direction on that bottle?

Larry—Yis, sor; it said, "Shake Well before using." Doctor —Well, did you obey? Larry—Yis, sor; Oi shook loike til* ould boy. Oi had a chill. , .

Hen peck —There is a man that has mj r pity and envy simultaneously, You see his wife is one. of the most noted of naggers. Friend —Now, where does your envy come in?

Henpeck—Well, you see, he is a? deaf as a post., and .cannot hear f

word she says,

Robinson (referring to the horse):! They tell me she's the fastest little thing in the county. ....... Smith (referring to the lady): In* deed? I'm sorry to hear that., And she's the Vicar's daughter, too, 1 Mia.* derstand! Schoolmaster : "Now, if youf ftio* ther gave you a large apple and a small one, and told you to. divide with youx brother, which apple would ypu give him?'* Johnny: "JD'you mean my big brother or my little brother?" Smith: I noticed you didn't speaft to Brown wnen you passed him this' morning. What's the trouble? Jones: He insulted me yesterdays called me an old fool. Smith:' Well, you must remember that you're not so young as you used to be. \ v: The Squire (sympathetically)-""*!'*! very soi*ry to hear that your husband is at the point of death, Mrs. Hodge* , but you must try and be cheerful; &Sr you know it will be all for the best. '. Mrs. Hodge—Ah, yes, indeed, sir, it'lr be a blessing when he's gone. I'll'be' able to live in comfort then, as I^Bve 'iin in four different, clubs. . , "They Knew Him!": She: .#* Wild shot has been making an estCtts^ as itsual, for his bad shooting fhfa time it is that the birds arc so WikL He: Oh, indeed! I rather1 ~-thinkl could suggest a better. She: Yes* He: We supply him with*blank"c>n* ridge now. It makes no differencfl to the birds, and it protects it*.;-; ' , An amusing incident occurred' «* cently at one of the large nevf'skM**: < don hotels. One of fhfe eWwj'' maids, Bridget Maloney, In %HW , to her friends used the hotel' lew* ;j paper. Imagine the surprise dt-iW'' manager on finding a letter ;ty-:t*' turn addressed—"Bridget MaidlMft; — -r Hotel—all modern improvements —lift. Tariff on application, tern*, moderate, London, England." It #*.*,. evident Bridget's Irish friend was;determined the letter should not : a$H, carry for want of full directions. ' A COMPROMISE. One of the strangest cases oi ja&p.1-' religions is vouched for by a Louis* iana writer. A negro washer-woman of Natchez married a Chinese jaWf;.!;' dryman; she was "a good, stirra* Methodist," and Ah Van had his « :,, behind the kitchen cfoor.. AskW , what the children's religion would <>c the woman triumphantly explauww "We fixed that. We compromised <»-■ dem. We'sgoin' to make dem JeWB. HE DREAMED HE WAS DROWIO>% "Come, wake up, Mike," said a spH dier at the front, shaking a sieeW' comrade. "We are to go on outpost "What a shame!" exclaimed Miker. drowsily. "I was draining ( * beautiful drame." ', [ "What about?" ;V „ "Sure, I dramed I was drowning. "Drowning! An' do ye call tnat beautiful drame?" . "Yes, shure," replied Pat, je^ej* fully; "but I was drowning in liqWw; bedad." -l^ .

SHORT STORY (Complete.)