MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXII, Issue 16, 19 January 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Recently heard in the Art Gallery, —She: "1 wonder why they hung ihaU picture?" He: "Perhaps they couldn't) catch the artist!"

"Dear, dear," said a stout old lady, as she waddled along to catch thlj train, "what a true saying it is—« more waist, less speed."

(in registry office, to pros^ pective servant): "Can you cook?" Prospective Servant: "Niver mind that just yit. Where do ye live, au* what wages wud ye pay?"

"Did you ever contemplate sai« cide?" "No, madam; I can hardly think of the world getting along without me." •

Many a poor young man is com*1 pelled to work for a living simply because his father-in-law failed tq amass a fortune.

First Hackman: "How is things?'* Second Hackman: "Oh! dead slow!. I ain't druv a man in a week thatj wasn't sober!"

" What are you crying for,- littty girl?" * ,".*$ •; " 800-hoo, 'oos sittin' on my, 390) tart !"■ . ■':>;

Old Lady (anxiously): "Does tjrig train stop at Glasgow?" Guaj(l:| "Well, if it don't,- ma'am, you'll ; .;g§fl, the biggest smash up you ever<,h_cjij;s of." (The station was a terminus.),;,

"I disown you," cried the angtjj parent. "I shall cut you off with -a, shilling. "Yes sir," replied the err|iijj son meekl}', "and might I have tjif shilling now?" . ,'.,..

A Popular Move.—Phoebe: fp Miriam wants to be a Bed .Crpsa nurse?" Penelope: "Yes; she h^ they intend to organise a special flpj,. bulance corps to attend footjjal} games." i"'.','

"Well, talk about cheek!" "Wb&sf that?" "Cook says that those folk* in that little house over the t^ay; came over here while we were away and had their photographs taken, pjij our front steps."

Yon Blumer: "Have another cigar, Jack." Plankington: "Thanks—(puff) —but really I must go. (Puff), It';} getting late." Yon Blumer: "Jor heaven's sake, don't . leave . yet, Si}s, man! (Puff.) My /^fe.. Qfrje^t^Q my smoking in the house." '■ ~,:'

Mother : Yes, dear,.those poor liftli boys have no kind father and mqther, and no good Aunt Clara. ~ i Johnny (who does not get on verj*

Not to be Spoilt.—Countryman .fi'a* just bought a new umbrella. It rain*, hard. He walks along with um'brell* under his arm. Friend (meeting. Him) —"Why don't you put your umbrella up?" Countryman—"Not me.; I'm not agoin' to spoil it fust time." ;.'

In a provincial town a rich' and 11-/\ literate man had been elected to a position on the Burial Board. O^i Qflß. occasion the august body were 0* cussing the advisability of building a new wall to the local cemeterVf "Well, gentlemen," he said, "it seems to me asJow it's this way —Seeing, faS, 'ow the coA res wot's inside can't: git ' out, and the chaps wot's outside doio want ter git in, you don't waiit, #<>. wall at all!" ~ ' : ■■-■■

It was not one of those lovers qiiarrels which are got up for the sake of enjoying the sweets of "making it up again," but a real, genuine affair in which both parties felt thoroughly aggrieved. They parted in anger, and next day the lady wrote him the fok lowing" note: —"Herewith I return* ail your presents, with the exception?^ the diamond ring-, wMeh 1 shall-kePp lo remind me of your meanneS? and horrid conduct altogether!"

Brownley: "Well, was the rfay pathetic?" Townley: "Well, I should smile! It was simply brimfulof tears, and sympathy was flowing on all hands, or rather handkerchiefs, and the seats were also in tiers."

Great Success. —Is marriage a -failure? I should say not, remarked an Oregon farmer. Why, there's Luoindy gits up in the mornin', milks six cow?, gits breakfast, starts four children tf» skewl, looks arter the other three, feeds the hens, likewise the ■, h?gb likewise some motherless sheep*skims 20 pans of milk, washes^ the clothes, gets dinner, et cetscj,\ c,' cetery. Think I could hire anybody to do it for what she gets?. >: ; : IWmuch! Marriage, sir, is a succaw>-4H

grsst success.