THE HUMOROUS SIDE.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXI, Issue 220, 15 September 1900, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE HUMOROUS SIDE.

Marriage—A clerical error.—''Judy.''

Even the people who go through, life leisurely find themselves out oj breath when .death overtakes them.

Magistrate—lf'you were there for no dishonest purpose, why wert you in your stocking feet? . .. , Burglar—l heard there was sickness in the family, Your

A CONJECTURE

Sunday-school Teacher—"VVhy did the prodigal's father kill the fatted calf? Scholar—l s'pose he thought one calf in the family was enough. She (in affright)—Oh, Tom, why do. you make such awful faces at me? He (contritely)-r-I can't help it, r| dear. My eye-glasses are falling- off, : and I don't want to let go your hands.- ; There Avas a young woman in Worcester, " . . .:^;;; So scared by the cry of a roocester, That her mother said, "Hannah, ' >'■ I'm surprised at your mannah, Why don't you behave as you use-i cester?" , He (telling a hairbreadth adventure)! 3 —And in the bright moonlight we could see the daz-k muzzles of the: . Avolves. ■ ■ ■~" ■ "■ She (breathlessly)—Oh, how glad you must have been that they had the muzzles on! "Prisoner, I'm sorry to see you here again," said the Magistrate; "what brings you here?" . ' f ~ Prisoner — Two policemen, yer. Honor. Magistrate—Drunk as usual, I sup-, pose? Prisoner —Yes, yer Honor, 'both, of 'uni. . . , "'

THE FIRST PATIENT.

First Patient : "When is the doctor going to come-back. I'have been waiting now more than half an hour !" Servant : " Well, that's nothing! We have been" waiting for. you over four months !" ,

"But why are yoti so very anxious to see a whale, Mrs. Trotter?" asked the captain, after the lady had askefl for the twentieth time if one was In sight. "I want so much to see one blubber, captain. It must be impressive to see so large a creature cry."

Aunt (who has just received a letter from Johnnies home^-r-ph,, Johnnie! j'oiir mamma has got' two'riice Uevr' babies. . ~ ,". ;

Johnnie —That's just like mamma;; she always, likes a bargain. I suppose by having two she gets them cheaper.

Policeman (to slightly sober-findi| vidual, who is wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic)— Come man, walk on the pavement. Slightly sober individual —Pave* ment! Who do you take me for? Bkmdin?^-" ' . i . ' -*• -■ ' ''■

Voice (through . telephone)— Will ; you please look if I've left my umbrella?" . ' New Waiter—Yes, sir. Is this it, sir? All's o'er between us; he's no loss;, ,_ His image ne'er my mind shall cross; ' f But—there he comes again; oh, my I I wonder will he. smile or sigh. f' r A certain lady assured her husband ? ;X that she had never told him a;lie,"and, ;; never would. He told her that be did . not doubt it, but would thenceforward cut a notch in the piano when he.knew she deceived him. "No, you won't," she screamed. , "I'm not" going to have my piano ruined.", _ .. . ." ■.■;.■.-■■■ Good Samaritan (irascibly)-^You told me, Mr Jinks, the other day, when I relieved your want, thatyour- son was serving- the Queen, and now I find that he is. a convict at Dartmoor. , : , Mr Jinks—Well, sir, it isn't'for the.^ likes of me tp question where Her Most Gracious Majesty wishes to em-. ploy 'Arry's sei-vices. :, . ■ ■

WHO MADE THE MISTAKE? ■ \.

"The other day," said Jefferson, '-"an1, old woman bounced into our-.office, displaying a notice that we had, written to her, to the effect that a tax . on some property of hers was diie.1 She swore she had paid it. I had the' books to prove that she had not, anil-■. suggested that she had made a "mistake. She declared that she had npt, and said, 'Don't you ever make mis-. takes?' • : : " " "I assured her that I did not, and Jokingly added: 'The only Mistake I ever made was when I was married.' "She looked at me a second time, and then said: 'No, your wife mads ; that mistake."' ' > ■ V