THE LATEST AMERICAN HUMORIST.

Auckland Star, Volume XXX, Issue 160, 8 July 1899, Page 5 (Supplement)

THE LATEST AMERICAN HUMORIST.

DOOLEY ON GOLF.

"In America th' ga-ame is played gintcel, ! an' is more like cigareet-smokin', though \ less on-healthy f'r tho lungs. 'Tis a good ' game to play In a hammlek whin ye'er all tired out fr'm social duties or shovellia' j coke. Out-iv-dure golf is played be th' {pi- | lowin' rules. If ye bring ye'er wife f'r to see th' game, an' she has her name iv th' paper, that counts ye wan. So th' first thing ye do is to find th' raypoorter, an' tell him ye're there. Thin ye ordher a bottle iv brown pop, an' hay ye'er second fan ye with a towel. Afther this ye'd dhress, an' ye've got to be dam pnrticklar or yell be stuck for th' dhrinks. If ye'er necktie is not on straight, that counts ye'er opponent wan. If both ye an' ye'er opponent have ye'er neckties on crooked, th' first man that sees It gets th' stakes. Thin ye ordher a carredge " "Order what?" demanded Mr McKenna. "A carredge." "What for?" "F'r to take ye 'round th' links. Ye have a little boy followin' ye, carryln' ye'er J clubs. Th' man that has th' smallest little boy it counts him two. If th' little boy has th' rickets, it counts th' man in th' carredge three. The little boys Is called caddies; but Clarence Heaney that tol' me all this—he belongs to th' Foorth Wa-ard Goluf an' Mclvlnley Club—said what th' little boys calls th' players 'd not be lit f'r to repeat. "Well, whin ye dhrive up to th' tea grounds." "Th' what?" demanded Mr Henuessy. "Th' tea grounds, that's like th' homeplate in base-ball or ordherin' a piece Iv chalk in a game iv spoil five. It's th' beginnln' iv ivrything. Whin ye get to th' tea grounds, ye step out, an' have ye'er hat irned be th' caddie. Thin ye'er man that ye're goln' nglnst comes up, an' he asks ye, 'Do you know Potther Pammer?' Well, If ye don't know Potther Pammer, it's all up with ye: ye lose two points. But ye come right back at him with an upper cut, 'Do ye live on th' Lake Shore dhrive?' If he doesn't, ye have him in the nine hole. Ye needn't play with him anuy more. But, If ye do play witii him, he has to spot three balls. If he's a good man, an' shifty on his feet, he'll counter be nskin' ye where ye spend th' summer. Now ye can't tell him that ye spent th' summer with wan hook on th' free lunch an' another on th' ticker tape, an.so ye go back three. That needn't ' discourage ye at all, at all. Here's yer chance to mix up,- an' ye ask him if he was iver in Scotland. If he wasn't, it counts ye, five. Thin ye tell him that ye had an aunt wanst that heerd th' Jook Iv Argyle talk in a phonograph; an' onless he comes back an' shoots it into ye that he was wanst run over be th' Prince of Wales, ye have him groggy. I don't know whether th' Jook iv Argyle or th' Prince iv Wales counts f'r most. They're like th' right an' left bower iv thruwps. Th' best players is called scratch men."

"What's that f'r?" Mr Hennessy asked. "It's a Scotch game," said Mr Dooley, with a wave of his hand.