RANDOM SHORTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXIX, Issue 172, 23 July 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHORTS

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Bome-wite, a neighbour's name to lash gome write—vain thought—for needful SomtwVito to Plea^the. country clash.

f* 'Any stray Spanish Admirals who ■fcnay happen to be caught by Uncle Sam will find their lines cast in pleasant places, judging by Admiral Cer♦pera's experience in America. It pays •to be captured by 'los Americanos' •when the punishment is nothing more severe than being lionised by the great .Yankee: nation and being presented Ssvith a fres estate in Florida. It's certainly better than going back to Spain *fco be court-martialled and probably Bhot for 'treason,' Avhich treason con- ■ sists chiefly in letting the other fellow lick you because he was bigger. tAmerica apparently wants to make Cervera a citizen of the Great Repubaic, and all that will be wanted to put (the finishing touch on the whole business will be to place the Spanish Admiral's name on the United States JPension List, Possibly Cervera is takSng time to think over it. If he goes Sback to Spain (which he can't just at present, I suppose, for the good reason that he 'won't be let') he will probably find that a defeated admiral has mo honour in his own country. A dungeon cell in a darksome castle on the ©uadalquiver might perchance be his ssad lot, or else the highly intelligent public of Spain might feel it their .duty to pelt him with dead cats and ■turnips (if they grow turnips in the 3and of the tortilla and senorita). In ■ $he words of the eminent- Duke of iPlaza-Toro's chorus in the 'Gondoliers,' amended to'suit the exigencies iof the present case, Cervera may well «ing: •!And if ever, ever, ever, 3L go back to Spain, SI will never, never, never, the sea again. ifor the very sufficient reason that the admiral Avho loses a battle will be Sent to the county gaol or at the leastprevented from getting command of another ship to surrender unto those jfighting Yankees ''/ But behind all this solicitude on the iipart of America over the defeated adaniral, there must be something more ifchan meets the eye, I fancy it must jbe the American woman. The reason 5s not very far to seek. The American • Sieiress dearly loves a lord; but an adSniral will suit her just as well, and tjthougli Cervera is sixty-five and grey iwithal I guess there are a few Amerifcan millionairesses who are ready to tjump at him and fling all their charms Sand dollars into his proud Castillian arms if he will only say the word and iconsent to link his ancestral name Ssvith that of Miss Miiions of New Sfork or Miss De Porque of Chicago. 3Fancy how the American girls of fashion must gaze longingly at that aristocratic name in print—Admiral Pasfcual de Cervera y Torpeti Conde de STerez, Marquis de Santa Ana! A jforeign dignitary with three 'de's' in ■ his name, not to speak of ay'—no'—no «ne troubles to ask what the 'y' stands tfor —and a Marquis to boot, must surely be a prize worth catching. Of course aio one troubles to wonder whether he iias a wife away in the land of dark senoritas and lace mantillas. The sAmerican ladies' favourite sport is refuted to be foreign title-catching, and Vwhen America goes to the trouole of jbailing up the titled ones by dint of inuca powder and shot, ifc would hard- j Hy be right to let the captured officers *ff scot free. They will have to suffer punishment for their acts of warfare, jand the punishment will take the form <o± marrying into Uncle John's family. $3o for the present Admiral Cervera is to be asked to retire to his new ranch iat\Tampa and think over it. without number have been Jvvritten on Gladstone, and every editor «pf a paper from the London 'Times' 'to the Whisky Creek 'Advocate' and £he Bushtown 'Settler' have deemed at incumbent on them to laud in the ■ imost glowing terms the life and works iof the great statesman. No doubt the poet laureate at the other end of the World has by this time immortalised jfche mournful event in appropriate' Averse, but we in Auckland don't want any of Alfred Austin, for our own I poet 'is on the job.' Didn't know we Jiad a poet in' Auckland, you say? SVell, that's all you know about it. iWe have in our midst a disciple of the Muse who knows 'himself to sing and fouild the lofty rhyme.' Our poet owes allegiance to no known.school o:E poetry; his style is peculiarly his own. 3Jut to 'begin, and somewhat loudly teweep the string,' as the late Mr MilSfcon says. % ' ' ' ' '" Our poet apostrophises Gladstone in ftwo columns of pretty solid verse, and starts, as he should, at the G.O.M.'s ibirth.That natal occasion, according jto him, jMust have been a day when snow lay] upon the ground, ' j 2&nd as you looked out of the window you could hardly hear a sound, 2?robably the news spread quickly all around, IThat a man child had been born some distance from 'Plymouth Sound,' 3He was not exactly born in a stable or cradled in a manger, But for several years he was nursed and kept out of danger. possibly you can't grasp the full import of that wonderful Verse' all at pnee Well, neither could I, but then I put that down to my lack of poetic ifeeling. However, the fact that for ( Several years Gladstone was 'nursed ± and kept out of danger' is so indisput- \ able that I shall have the greatest 1? pleasure in testifying to the perfect ;• accuracy and historical exactness of % all that the Ponsonby poet laureate % jthrows off his pen. fe ': [,p But Gladstone is not to be hurled Into politics by leaps and bounds. The (; transformation of the boy into the is man must be gradual and cautious, 1 bo as not to give any nervous persons jfcoo great a shock. Accordingly: £The child grew on and on, Until he could put his own clothes on, j[t was in the year Eighteen hundred and Nine, Jk. day of snow, fog, rain, or sunshine, thou wast born in the nick of time, {That in the, future thy, life might shine. JEh&. careful manner in which the poet

covers all possible conditions of weather, from snow to sunshine, in the absence of reliable data, cannot be too highly commended. Moreover, the great British nation is surely to be congratulated on the birth of .the G.OJVI. in the nick of time. Another moment, as they say in the penny dreadfuls, and it would have been too late! Then the poet proceeds to drag Gladstone from school to college, which naturally rhymes with 'know- ' ledge,' and the Oxford University, which just as naturally rhymes with 'prosperity,' and also with adversity'; then on to the time when he was member for Newark, which, as a matter of course, comes in handy for 'Noah's ark' in the next line. The gifted bard goes on to enumerate all William Ewart's doughty deeds in Parliament, and rises to remark in weighty words and long: One great measure was the Disestablishment of the Irish Church, When a few of thy followers on this Act left thee in the lurch, Why should any religion be tied down to the State, But for its support let ihe collections be taken up on a plate, Thy next Act was the Religious Disabilities Bill, Which could only be done by the People's 'Will,' At last thou didst open the House of Commons, not only to a few, But also to the Dissenter, Gentiles, and the Jew. The divine afflatus must be very elastic when it will shove 'Disestablishment into such a cut-off-by-the-yard Pindaric ode. Of such, too, is 'disabilities'; but what I admire most is the ingenious (or ingenuous) way in which this twanger of the lyre manages to smuggle in his own opinions concerning that all-necessary adjunct of the Church —the collection plate. Not even Walt. Whitman could turn out a verse like that. But our own poet doesn't believe in all praise for the Grand Old Man. William Ewart was only human, after all, for One mistake some of us are sure thou hast made, Although thou didst encourage the people to go in for jam and marmalade, The mistake we allude to was granting the grocers a license, In this might have been exercised far more common sense, Instead of the wives ordering tea in packets or a tin, Tea was put down on the bill, but the grocer sent home a botle of gin. And then the poet makes some remark about 'wine,' which, in his opinion, cannot rhyme with anything but 'striking out the top line.' And then, what poet has ever before dared to trifle with such a prosaic newspapery phrase as 'we allude to'? Clearly our poet is both courageous and original. Now comes the last scene of all: The crowd was vast and great in the old Westminster Abbey, In which were all sorts of people, both well dressed and shabby, And none felt thy loss more than the Queen, or the Old London cabby, As you see him weather-beaten, and all fat and flabby. The peculiar beauty of this slice is quite apparent, and needs no explanation. Then the bard rises to pronounce the grand finale: Thy name which was known as 'MVU-. liam Ewart Gladstone,' Will be carved upon many a block of wood or stone, But best of all it will be written upon the hearts of the people, "■' ''' " As they live in their homes; Or worship in the old church with its steeple. Observe the poet's native caution! He is not going to take the great man's name' on trust; he puts it in inverted commas, and generally conveys the impression that after all Gladstone's name wasn't Gladstone at all, but Snooks, or Bill Smith, or Tomlinson — which last is the poet's. And of such is the Kingdom of Poesy. The City Council had a night out at the last meeting. As the Mayor and Town Clerk ■were away the Councillors being but children of a larger growth took advantage of the absence of the master •to have a really good time. The only man that probably did not enjoy himself was the worthy senior Councillor, who acted as Mayor, and had a very lively time. Almost every ruling he gave was challenged, Councillors apparently taking a wicked delight in raising questions of order and then assisting1 the Chairman to give his rulings. When a man is only acting as Mayor he naturally cannot be as firm as if actually in possession of that office, and when, too, the guiding star of the Council is also away it naturally follows that an acting-Mayor, with an unruly Council, may have a bad time. Certainly the proceeding's were not very edifying and I fancy that any visitor to the town who chanced to be present would be inclined to wonder what the citizens were like when such gentlemen were elected to represent them. Really our City Fathers should try and carry at least some dignity into the Council Chamber no matter how they conduct themselves outside. Truly the Councillors have much to thank rfche press for as regards what is 'not' published. Councillor Farrell hit the nail on the head when he regretted th e pnroj chial spirit shown by some Councillors. The system of one ward obstructing another is not conducive to the advancement of the city generally—a work that should certainly be the aim of the Council as a whole. It is | quite true that the noxious effluvia i from Freeman's Bay may not assail the olfactory nerves of residents in either the Karangahape or Graft-on Wards; but that is a matter for which they should be truly thankful, and for mere humanity's sake should cause the representatives of those Wards to assist in preventing people less happily situated from being half poisoned as they walk home to tea at the close of a day's labour. Even from motives of selfishness this course should be adopted because all Wards have to contribute towards the charitable aid rate, and the fact should not be lost sight of that & number of typhoid cases went to the Hospital last summer from Freeman's Bay and Ponsonby. This means loss to the city as h, whole, and if a breadwinner dies itmay mean that ratepayers will have to rear a whole family. Then, too, it is well, to look to the future, and Grafton Ward members in particular should bear in mind that some day a sewer will require to be vextemled through Mechanic's Bay. It is just possible that Ponsonby members, if continually ' obstructed, might take their revenge, though *I think that is scarcely likely, for it will take many years for them to forget the smells of Freeman's Bay even after the nuisance has been abated. As for the Karangahape members, they at least should remember that a good deal of the sewage from that ridge wanders seaward trough. Freeman's Ba^* ,*£#£;.£ i