RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXIX, Issue 101, 30 April 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

BY "ZAMIEL"

]3ome write, a; neighbour's name to lash, Borne! write-vain thought-for needful Borne write to please the country clash. . And raise a din.---a Tor me, an aim I never fash— . I write for fun. ;

''The tone of the community has been distinctly warlike all. this week. Oruiiarily mild -and iribffensive people rush ior the papers with/just as much eagerness as the > American sojourner in our : midsfc or the volunteer recruit, to learn ' the latest news from Cuba,, and even the qmost peaceful of citizens—in peace times -—now gives expression to deep disappointment'when; he finds the cables give .no news of gore being spilled, and that the sanguinary warriors in the Yankee cruisers are confining themselves to the capture of stray.. Spanish merchant men. - One can quite understand the popular thirst for blood in the United States. The Great American nation is spoiling for a fight and it won't be happy till it gets one. No deubt it i 3 the sensa-tion-loving American newspapers that are e^ing on the populace, for the Yankee ■journals dearly love a Avaiy The newsEaper enterprise in America knows no mits, and 1 wouldn't he surprised to hear that the Spanish General' Weyler's head, forwhich a reward has been offered, had

been secured by an up-to-date Yankee war correspondent, and that it had been impaled on a spike, a la Dahomey, above the frontdoor of the successful paper's office.

bullet-proof pastoral letter of the Archbishop of Madrid, in which the Spanish prelate commended his country's army and navy to the protection of all the saiats/ and went a good way towards promising^ the Spanish troops invulnerability from the bullets of the enemy, takes one back to mediaeval times. It reminds one of the religious faith of the Crusades stud of Peter the Hermit's promises of a sure and-certain Paradise to the Knights 'who..fought for• the Holy Cross. But 'Eeter the Hermit, like Mahomet, only ;;. guaranteed, exemption from Hades in the next world; he did not go so far as to promise, invulnerability from the weapons ■of this world. Peter knew his business too well for that. But the Archbishep of Madrid relies on the blind faith of the Spanish fighting men much as did the ■ Maori prophet in the East Coast war. It ■was at Opotiki, I .think, .that the "Maori Vpai-marire,"high priest, who had promised his followers that no bullets of the enemy would touch ' them, advanced along the beacK towards the Colonial troopsteamer, which had stuck in the mud, apparently confident that the bullets of v thepakeha wouldn't hurt him. His efforts • to inspire his fellow-countrymen with desperate valour, however, were soon hipped in the had, far the bullets of the white man soon stretched him dead. As a practical proof of the efficacy of his faith, and as an encouragement to deeds of valour, it wouldn't be at all a bad idea for the Archbishop to follow" the example of the Maori prophet and lead tke attack himself. What does His Grace think of the suggestion?

• The martial ardour displayed by the Aucklanders who : have tendered their ■services to £he American Consul for the ■war in Cuba might" be turned to some useful account if these would-be warriors

•would only join some of the local volunteer

'.',companies and stay at home learning to /■ fight for their own country. It Avould be . waste of good raw material to send them ■' to stand up before" the Spanish bullets or to die of fever or wet feet. There are all too .few volunteers in ; Auckland, hilt then there doesn't seem to be very much chance of war here, while martial .glory and bullet •wounds and torpedoes await the heroeswho are to be ferried across to Cuba. On the

whole the valiant youths who are thirsting for "victory or death, and who long to brandish their bloody swords round the heads of the vanquished Senors and Dons, and plunge their keen bayonets deep in the foenien's corse, may as well stay Where they are, and Svork off their superfluous belligerency "by potting the targets at the Mount Eden Range, or learning how to shoulder and port arms in the Drill Shed. It will be more' comfortable and a lot safer.

■•■._ A romance of 'love's young dream, interspersed with sundry" references to hard cash, conies from Tauranga. : It is all about a young Maori Lothario and his liafd-heafted lady love. A married lialfcaste Nvoiian ac a settlement rejoicing in the sanctified name of Judea was, it seems, •made eyes at' by a young native chief, Yrho' apparently was smitten with iiha ■ opulence of her semi-dusky charms. The young lover^ who was a regular Don Juan, repeatedly asked the lady to forsake her trifeal whare and the family , kumara - patch; and fly with him. The • fair 'one, however, wasn't taking any of Don Juan, and she laid' a chargo before the ,'Komiti'of the tribe to the effect that the young chief was continually pestering her to elope with him. Don Juan was now 'ia the soup. Both the husband and the ■woman asked for ' utu, 3 in accordance with Maori ? custom, which very conveniently all»ws oneto claim;'utu 'for pretty well everything that can be construed into an Injury. Of course the Husband considered he was injured:because the other fellow tried to steal his life, while his wife's reputation may have suffered on account of Don Juan considering she gave him some encouragement. : "', ■

Anyhow,- in spite of the would-be Lochinvar's denial, 'the tribe in solemn conclave assembled considered the charge proved, and ordered Don Juan and his people to pay sundry cows, horses, cash, > etc., to the injured husband and wife. Sad to. say, however, the ungallant lover turned r? u.nd °. n his charmer, and said that the plain tin had accused him because he would not Have anything to do .with her, and that, in effect, it was a case of Joseph and Potiphar s wife. So he refused to pay up, in spite of threats of the 5 which is the Maonfashion of collectinga fineby force. He has asked that the questionbe submitted to a noted native ' tohunga,' who ■will be able by occult means to discover who is in the wrong. It is a characteristic Maori idea that the defendant's family or tribe shall pay for his misdeeds, but tin the whole it seems to be a 'good plan, because it impresses on the tribe the necessity of keeping its members in order, and of training them in the way ■ they should go, so tha,t they won't covet: other' men's wives. I suppose the parties to the action for 'muru' damage, ; are waiting for the Bpiritual judge, biit if I were Bon Juan: I think I would .'square' that' tohunga 5 beforehand with a horse or cow or so.

\ "■•:;. :'•.■:■ ■■>;■."■■■,-';-■•.■'■ • ; %'''-''^ t '- Some very rude remarks haVe been made by that sulphurous .organ, the' Hot. Lakes Chronicle,' concerning the recent -issue <oi pictorial stamps by the' New' Zealand Government. The ' Chronicle,' ; I am grieved . to.. say, pokes ; fun ,at the Bcenic, iilustratiopSj and says it i could do-.better, itself. Then it goes on Jto iebserve, ia toae3 Qi biting sarcasm;;—.

'Neither is the sixpenny stamp, with its solitary kiwi-evidently meditating suicide—an object of interest; nor is the 3d label, with the pair of melancholy lraias,1 the " dejected 'haviour of whose visages " leads one to suppose they are disgusted. at being perched on the top of some Egyptian scroll Avork when so mttch Maori ornamentation Avas at; the designer's hand. BetAveen the huias On the 3d stamp and the kakas on .the shilling one there is a close resemblance, which is further emphasised. by the similarity in colour. Curses loud and deep will fall on the head of the stamp designer Avhen; it is discovered that the pah- of kakas have been despatched oil admission for which the sadeyed huias Avould have been ample postage. The 5d stamp shows the Otira Gorge, Avith an infinitesimal view of Ruapehu stuck on the hillside, or " superimposed on the left foreground, " as the official circular has it, which is dignified, but does not make the idea any the: less ridiculous. '' Biiapehu, via the Otira Gorge," ayjll no doubt become a new tourist route, to.Avhich Ave..would-. draAv.the attention of Cook and Co. 'a local agents.' ■■'. .;. ';■- ,; '.' ;.; ■

The child (sa,ys an old saw) is father to the man, and here is an application of the paradox which may at any rate be considered apropos just now, when Avar is in the air. This letter was received the other day by President McKinley from a small hoy in Los Angeles, California:—' Dear Mr President,—l. feel very sad because Sve have lost the Maine and so many brave men. I would like to send you my battleship if you decide to have a war. It is almost as big. as the battleship New York. Do you think lam big enough to be a drummer boy? I am 8 years'old, and -want to go to war like George Washington.—Your loving friend, Earl Atkin.' We, know that every little Yankee boy expects to be President 'some aay>.' just ■ .'as every French soldier carries • a Marshal's baton in his. knapsack.' But it Is not every boy that*aspires so high as to be a second' George Washington, Avhich makes me think that our little friend of the letter is something out of the common. Ah ordinary boy's vaulting ambition, leaps to the White House, and seeks no higher flight, but this little chap must 'go to war. sand be the saviour of his country before his dreams are realised. Surely we have.here a future son of Mars ! An embryo wheat king or pork millionaire would never have written thus. And then who but a future George Washington would have said that he owned ' a battleship as big as the New York?' Such innate truthfulness is indeed refreshing in this weary world of—well, prevaricators! ~

A year or two back a, good deal was written about the revolt of woman, bub judging by the results of the elections of School Committees this week it would seem as if the "tyrant man " was beginning to once more assert himself, for the lady candidates were not amongst the chosen one 3of the householders. There is no hiding the fact that many men who were willing to let the women have what is commonly termed • their rights' are now beginning to ask themselves whether the writing on the wall at Belshazzar's feast would not be equally applicable to the majority of the political women. From a man's point of view it is going a little too far when a woman has to stand up at a meeting and be asked before an audience questions to show that she is qualified to become a member of a school committee. Shortly put, the replies were: 'I took the house, I pay the rent.' Then followed the not unnatural question : 'Is your husband oaly a lodger in the house?' which was not answered. It women are, to be eligible for school committees, and as they train the children in their earlier years it .certainly seems that their presence on, a committee would not be out o*f' place, especially as girls attend the public schools, it does seem as if it would he just as well for some alterations to be made in the law to definitely set up a status of qualification so that a candidate would not require to be made a laughing stock for the audience, and her husband, when she has one, publicly declared to be a nonentity, for that is what it amounts to now. Perhaps the best plan would be for the husband of a female candidate to be compelled to nominate her, in order to show that he has abandoned his rights as head of the house to his better half. Under such a system the woman would not then require to be catechised, as it would be taken for granted he was a cypher.

That women are earnestly trying, to j tetter the condition of the colony is evidenced by the vital matters discussed at the National.. Convention in Wellington. The weight to be placed upon their lindings, of course,, depends entirely upon the question as to whether these ladies do actually represent the mass of women throughout New Zealand. The way in which women's associations arc dividing into small bodies, each with a president, leaves ifc a matter ef doubt whether the delegates sent have any great followin". In Auckland we have four political associations of women, and it is questionable whether the actual live membership of the whole lot totals 100. The strongest league has about 30 members when there is a good attendance, but meetings have been held at which resolutions were, passed for the benefit of the Government-by an organisation when only six ladies were present.

It is rather interesting to note that this week one lady thought a man's mother was the best judge of the girl most suited to make him happy.; There is a good deal of practical common sense in that suggestion, provided that the young people can see it in the same light. ' A' mother jnst.■knows her son's weakness and his pot fancies and could see how they fit in with the girl's. foibles. Then, tpo, the mothers on each side might arrange the whole affair and save the youth the trouble of proposing, and prevent the girl having to ring in the old chestnut about being a sister to him. It would also save the waste of shoe leather on moonlight nights, prevent colds being caught over the back gate owing to the long drawn out farewell, because, of course, under such a practical system the mother would do the courting,, and there would be no necessity for.Loo to linger longer at the gate, while oscillatory exercises would naturally be prohibited as both unnecessary and inimical to health, on account of the danger of the transmission of tuberculosis bacteria, and other recently-discovered .germ forms of disease. Looked at practically there: is much to commend the idea, and the only objections to it are : Firstly, that no mother would ever find a girl good enough for her boy; and secondly, 'that young people even in these progressive clays might just possibly be sufficiently conservative to prefer to continue the system under which their parents arranged matters _ matrimonial. At all • events Zamiel is still, ready to vote on conservative lines in this matter.

'Mummy Told Me So.'—Dear Mr Punch I have seen it stated that the mummies of Antiochus Soter and Ptolemy, 11., recently sold by auction, .could be certified genuine; by letters from Dr. Birch and Professor Bonomi. There must be some plundering inversion here. Surely what is wanted is not: a, letter from Bonomisaying. This is Ptolemy,' but rather, a letter from Ptolemy, saying, 'This is Bone o: me. —Yours in (G;H.) Mummy mood, Bono Meo. [This is a fizz-ical absurdity:. No mummified (G.H. or otherwise^) 6^ -?°P} a ■■■•■^rite such a letter, whatV^kr^ 1S tendency to rot (extra sec). We rtfli^^ would comiwh m h °, f P^ n°th 7 'blundering inversion' in Stw ! Played a part if we cliaraci