RANDOM SHOTS BY ZAMIEL.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVIII, Issue 211, 11 September 1897, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS BY ZAMIEL.

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash, Some write—vain thoughts for needful

cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. CFor me, an aim I never fash— .-*.£.., I write for fun. •> ,:-vY -

""''Wellington is going to "lick creation" this time. The harbour board of that boisterous city is determined to have a big graving dock all of its oavu, and it won't be happy till it gets it. The Wellingtonians are bent on putting Auckland's nose out of joint, so to speak, for they are going to step bigger than the Calliope Dock, Avith the apparent intention of being able to brag far and Avide of the possession of the biggest dock in the Southern Hemisphere, if not in the world. It is gravely suggested to raise something like a quarter of a million for tho purpose of building a dock 550 ieet long, Avith proAision for another 100 feet at a future time. This Avill knock our Calliope Dock into a metaphorical cocked hat, and Aye will have to Avear sackcloth trimmed with ashes, and wrrite up over our big- dock caisson "Ichabod," for the glory will then have departed from the pride of Auckland, the biggest swimming tank in

these waters. Well, after all, perhaps "there will not be so much ground for jealousy on the part of Auckland after all. The Calliope Dock is still very much of a Avhite elephant, and is an "embarrassment of riches" as far as dock goes. There is rather too much of it for our requirements, and if Wellington is going to make faces at us and cry till it gets a bigger toy than ours, by all means let the windy city residents have it. The Auckland Harbour Board at anyrate won't envy them.

The "Assyrians came doAvn like a wolf on the fold" the other morning Avhen the nineteen trusty members of the police force raided Te Kuiti and Otorohanga and seized a waggon load of Avhisky and beer. It is the biggest haul the police have made for a longtime, and possibly the deeds of the men in blue in the prohibited district of the King Country are intended to slioav that they are not idle, and that, although they cannot catch the Auckland burglars, they can shoAv the "activity" and "intelligence" Avhich are characteristic of the police, in "another place." Hoaa' the mouths of the thirsty boys in the raid on the unsuspecting- Te Kuiti-ites must have watered AAiien they gazed on that waggon load of good stuff, of which they could not even have one taste of the "crathur." Writing of waipiro in the King Country reminds me that a few days ago I saAV a private telegram ©rom a resident of Otorohanga to an Auckland man, Avhich ran as folloAVs: "Send to-morroAV three cases whisky in different case." The "different case" was, no doubt, out of deference to the feelings of the blue-ribbon scouts on the frontier, the "Aukati" line of the troublous days of old, past Avhich, in former times, the Pakeha could not go, and Avhich to-day is the boundary beyond which it Avas a popular fiction, the whisky demijohn passed not and barrels of beer did not enter in and steal aAvay the brains of the Kingites. The recipient of the telegram did not mind showing it, as he averred that he Avould not on any account send up the liquor alias "drapery" or "crockery."

An amusing story is told by some of the defenders and protectors of our hearths and homes concerning a "derangement of epithets" A\diich is occasionally an entertaining feature of the conversation of a prominent officer of the police. I won't say in what town he is stationed, or when the little incident occurred. It Avas at a certain Maori settlement in the district south of Auckland, Avhere a survey embroglio was the cause of one of the periodical police and permanent force expeditions to overaAve the festive aboriginal. The camp of the Pakeha warriors Avas close to the native settlement, and on the Sunday after the arrival of the force a number of giddy young things in scant petticoats and "round-abouts" from the Maori village went doA.m to visit the "soldiers" and beg tobacco from them. After a Avhile some of the dusky youngladies, at the request of the boys in blue, danced some hakas on a small scale for the edification of the white men. Soon down came the gallant police officer, who has a splendid Milesian tongue, and says he: "Noav, then, phwat the divil do yez mane, mm, by this sorrt ay thing ? Ye ought to be ashamed ay yezselves, so ye ought, encouraging thim. young haythen faymale Avimmin to be dancin' the fan-tan before me oys on the Sunday afternoon." Whether any more hakas were danced is not recorded, but the worthy Hibernian's confusion of "fan-tan" and "can-can" is still remembered Avith pleasure by the members of that expedition. Perhaps he Avas thinking of "fandango." A haka by any other name would be just as refined and sweet.

A neAV version of the old phrase to curry faA'our" Avas brought out in evidence in a AA'ounding case at the Supreme Court this Aveek. In the cross-examination of a principal witness, Avho comes from "India's coral strands" of the little hymn, he Avas asked in suave and insinuating manner by the learned counsel for the defence if it Avas true that he Avas a gay Lothario and, although a Hindoo, played haA'oc Avith the hearts of the pale-face ladies. TheAA'itness repudiated the soft impeachment, and denied that he endeavoured to Avin a houseAvife's middle-aged affections by presenting her Avith a bottle of curry powder. I don't knoAV lioav the expression to "curry faA'our" originated, but I venture to offer the brillant .•suggestion to etymologists that it arose through the old familiar spectacle of five hundred years ago or so of the bland and child-like son of the East cajoling a susceptible European female, of any age, with the tooattractive bait of a gaudy-coloured silk handkerchief in one hand and a bottle of curry poAvder in the other.

*A lesson in dictation was given out in a country public school not 30 miles from Auckland the other day, and as the teacher repeated the essay, the scholars took it doAvn. It consisted of the well known historical account of where Oliver Crom-

Avell, Avhen a boy, had climbed to the top of the house. A large ape kept by the household espied him and climbed after him and brought the boy down safe and sound. The teacher had only referred to "a boy," not mentioning the name, and finished the story Avith the Avords, "and that boy Avas Oliver CromAvell." A little 10-year-old girl was first up to shoAV her slate, and the master's eye dilated at seeing the last words taken down as "that boy was all of a crumble."

A Aveek or tavo ago the fear Avas expressed in "Eandom Shots" that as a result of so many people carryingloaded revolvers after dark some one Avould yet get hurt. Fortunately this has not yet taken place, but tAvo young blackguards had a narrow escape one night this Aveek, and as it may chance that they read "Random Shots," it is perhaps just as Avell to let them understand the risk they ran. A gentleman Avas returning home late at night, accompanied by a dog, Avhich Avas trotting along quietly at his heels, Avhen as he passed a couple of men, one kicked the animal Aieiously. Upon his remonstrating with the man, he received a torrent of abuse, and at once suspected that as it was quite dark the idea avus to get up a i-oav in order to rob him. He promptly slipped his hand into his pocket and got his six-shoot-er ready for action, and at the same time watched the man narrowly, having determined to fire at the first sig-n of assault. No doubt the man wondered Avhy he took the abuse so quietly, little dreaming that he had his finger ready for any emergency. Another gentleman, hoAvever, arrived upon the scene,and the tavo roughs at once made their way into the doorway of the nearest hotel, so no evil resulted, A\ith the exception that a respectable citizen had to listen to the vilest abuse from a young ruffian. It may interest the police to knoAV that this scene occurred in Queen-street. Had a less cool man held that revolver, there might have been serious results, and that is the great danger Avhen citizens are compelled to carry firearms for self protection. Just at the present time there is quite a gang of young fellows in this city Avhose characters are Avell knoAvn to the police, and as they soav not neither do they spin it Avould be perhaps just as well if the Avhole batch Avere summoned to explain their means of support.

Some of the almond-eyed Chinese resident in this city seem to be adapting themselves to the Avays of Western barbarians in a wonderful manner. One gentleman may be seen frequently passing- along the street carrying his Aiolin with the air of a professional musician, Avhile quite a number of his fellow-countrymen possess bicycles, and' some arc really good riders. I noticed a Chinese dashing along the other clay Avith the bottom of his trousers fastened with safety pins, which gave him quite a domesticated appearance. One day this Aveek tAvo almond-eyed gentlemen Avho Avere riding- bicycles in Hobson-street came to grief because they Avere going in opposite directions, and, although the road is a chain wide, they managed to run into each other, and "great Avas the fall thereof." The position Avas, however, Avell chosen, being in front of a popular undertaker's, where embalming is a specialty, so that had either been killed his body could have been promptly preserved for transmission to the FloAvery Land. Although the impact Avas severe, both riders got off Avith only a feAV bruises, no bones being broken, so that neither the doctor nor undertaker gained by the accident.

The discussion Avhich took place at the Chamber of Commerce meeting last Aveek on the proposal to ask my Lords of the Admiralty for a secondhand Avarship to be used as a training ship on Avhich to instruct the water loving youth of the colony lioav to "reef, hand, and steer," showed that considerable public interest is felt in this project. At the same time, no one of the promoters seems to have an exact idea of what is required, and lioav the training ship is to be maintained. The idea seems to be to obtain the Pylades, or some other vessel of similar type, Avith ample sail poAver, so as to give the boys practical lessons in seamanship, and so the high and haughty Lords of the Admiralty are to be approached and asked through the telephone, as it were, whether they would be so kind as to give away an old man-of-Avar or tAvo to the land "Avhere the frozen meat comes from."

Some information on this question that may interest readers of "shots" is given in the correspondence of recent Christchurch papers. One correspondent, Avho seems to be acquainted with the subject, refers to the remarks made on the question of a training ship at a recent public meeting in the Canterbury capital, and goes on to say:—"What I conceive to be required in the colony at present is a training ship, somewhat similar to the Ganges or St. Vincent in England, Avhere boys could enter at, say, 14 years of age, and after three years would be of use as Avhat is called a first-class boy in * Her Majesty's navy, or an ordinary seaman in the mercantile marine. The difficulties in the establishment of such a training ship are many and must be faced. Firstly, no ship of the type of the Pylades, or in fact such class of vessel Avould do. It Avas found that the first Worcester Avas too small- for even 150 cadets, and she was a 52-gun frigate. Again, the idea of this vessel being toAved from port to port is amusing more than anything else, and must surely have been a huge joke. In short, if a suitable vessel could be secured, I take it that provincial jealousy must give AA-ay, and the training ship be located in either Wellington or Auckland, Avith a preference for the latter harbour, as being more suitable Avater for the. boys \o learn either rOAving or sailing."

The experiment of a training schooner for boys was tried in connection Avith the Kohimarama Industrial School some years ago, and it Avas the practice to make periodical cruises for the nautical education of the unruly young Maorilanders avlio Avere Avont to make Mr Hogan's life a misery to him at that sequestered spot. At the public meeting in the South to which I have referred one Captain Willis suggested that a schooner of from 40 to 50 tons should noAV be secured by the Government for a similar purpose. Aproiios of this suggestion, the correspondent I have quoted "hereinbefore," as the lawyers say, remarks: "A gentleman at the meeting spoke of a trainingschooner, and said that after a time they could be manned by the boys.

Let me here point out that a schooner rigged vessel, or any type of fore and aft canvas, Avould be of little use in fitting a boy for a knoAvledge of deep-sea square-rigged ships. The only small class of training ships that I have seen used are the brigs attached as tenders to the Implacable and the Lion, such as the Liberty, Martin and Sea Lark, of about 400*' tons register, and are merely in commission during summer months for short cruises, the actual home of the boys being the Implacable and the Lion, Avhere, in conjunction with the Impregnable, some 1500 boys are educated for Her Majesty's navy." Under the circumstances, it looks as if the Pylades, Avhich is well-known in Auckland, would be the most suitable vessel the colony could obtain at present, unless some other similar masted cruiser, such as the Curacoa, or the famous Calliope, were sent out to us. They Avould hardly be too small, at any rate not for the present and a good Avhile to come.