RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVIII, Issue 77, 3 April 1897, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

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Con** ■write, anetghbotß'a name .0 tasn Bowl* write—vain thoughtl f orxj»e _Xul caali, fgdtne write to please the country clash, Ami raise a din. Forme, on trim I never taah— _ writ"* ter. u__

Th» National Council of Women in the course of its deliberations ab Christchurch this week enunciated with unmisbakeable firmness the now woman mathematical formula tbab ono woman equals one man. The Council haa gone one bebter than its previous resolutions on sex-equality, and now the trembling husbands in bhe 'and are told that they muat hand over ab least one hall of their earnings to the wives of their bosoms. The League, with its foob firmly planted on its native heath, and wibh a •do-or-die' expression in its collective eye, has passed solemn and awe-inspiring resolutions, which reduced to their smallest compass mean bhab every married woman must share alike with her husband in his earnings, and thab ab any bime ahe ahall require it) her share of bhe joinb income shall be paid to her separata account. Moreover, her name muafc be included wifch thab of her huuband io the common banking account. Tho fiab haa gone forth ! Ihe Nabional Council of Women baa spoken 1 The new woman is afber bha old man's purse, and she won'b be happy till Bhe gets ib. I wonder, however, how things will affect tho unfortunate husband who has bo deliver all hia earnings over to bis large and muscular halpmabe when he gets home on Saturday aa ab preaent ? Will the National Women give him half, or will thoy, in tho furtherance of women's rights fco ail bhey can geb, allow the wifo bo keep i» all, and only allow ths husband a Bmall modicum ior beor and tobacco? I don'b know how the Council thinks ib is going to enforce tbis, ibs latest, obiter dictum. If every married wage-earner is to be forced to exactly halve his earnings wifch hia wife, by bhe abrong arm of fcho law, I am afraid bhe remedy will be worse bhan bhe disease. An army of inspectors perchance will be required bo ace thab the division ia carried onb with precision, and that the stronger vessel doean'b waafco too much on strong drink and 'baccy. There is a truly joyful proapecb before the married male creature.

Writing of bhe down-trodden married men reminds me of the accounb I read bhia week of the charge of husband-beating io the Police Court. Whab a commentary that is on the rights of woman ! which in this case, according to the story told by the plaintiff, the poor little hubby seemed to think consisted chiefly of the lofty privilege of thrashing her own husband, much on the lines of '.ho old time righb of every Yankee to * whop bia own nigger,' Howover, fche Magistrate dismissed the charge against lovely and substantial woman wibhoub calling any defence, so thafc ib is fair bo opine bhab bobh sides were aboub even. Wife-beating is boo common an occurrence even in bbaae days of advanced fair ones, bub husband whacking is so rare a diversion, ab anyrafco as far aa public knowledge of ib is concerned, bhab when ib does happen bo gain ventilation in the Police Courb ib ia treated aa a aort of diverting comedy, and bhe luckiaaa wighb tbab happens to be the real or alleged victim is looked on very much as a clown in the circus or bhe low comedy man in one of George Rignold's plays. * The crouching vassal to the tyrant wife' did nob in this instance secure the Magisterial sympathy, and he was sent forth once more, unprotected, in the cruel world. The man who cannob defend himaelf againsb a woman in a physical conflict will, I fear, never obtain much sympathy in appeals to bbc law, The only remedy 'Zamiel' can suggasb as a safeguard for small men is for Intending benedicts to see thab their wives are not superior to themselves in weight), height, or muscular development, and to carefully take measuremenb of their best girls before committing themselves to anything rash. Then bhere mighb bo a Bureau instituted for bhe Measuremenb of Couples Consemplabing Matrimony, with power to forbid the comfc.hip if bhe woman was aggressively big and ball in proportion to the husband. Clearly poor man needa come one to look afber bim now bhat woman is beginning to look so well after hers .If. * • * •*_ • * * Now that our own Sb. Andrew'B is resting after tho delights of its last 'heresy hunt' the 'unco quid ' in bonny Scotland are to bo treated to one of those joyful diveraiona ao dear to bhe hearb _f Friend McDonald. 'Lan MacLaron,' no leas, is toba fche quarry this time, and ib ia to be a fine hnnb, ye keo, for 'lan ' has gained famo through ' Beaide bhe Bonny Brierbueh,' and it is under his everyday name of fcha Ray. John Watson thab he is bo be summoned to appear before thab dread body tho Presbyterian General Synod bo answer to a charge of heresy. The ' orthodox, orthodox, wha believe in John Knox' will now have a fine opportunity of getting lovel with those free-spoken ' kailyaird' wribers who dare bo make jokes— seriousand aolamn joke., bhough, mind you, aa beS.a fche Scot—about Presbyberian ministers and kirka and auch like sacred things. It ia a pity fche cable has not enlightened ua aa bo the particular offence which on the part of 'lan MacLaren'a' bensors constituted hia heresy. I confeaa I cannob see anything in the tale of bhe ' Bonny Brier Buah' to warrant even a Presbyterian clergyman in calling bim a heretic, bub then, the auld-lichb Scottish divine, to say nothing of the lay worshipper, is popularly credited with being ahlo to scanb horo.y in the very way a preacher turn, over the leaves of his psalm book. * * » •«» * * * lb in, porhaps, a sign of bhab same old Covenanting blood in tho Scottish nature which impelled Janny Goddia to fling her cufctyatool at bho * advanced' minister, thab bheae ' here, y hunts ' should bo such a favourite divei.tion amongst Caledonians stern and wild, bub these same descendants of Covenanters are eornetimea inclined to make things very unpie. eanfc for those who choose to think with a libble more latitude than themselves. Possibly 'lan MacLaren' will feel inclined to sigh for Bobby Burns fco arise from hia grave and smite his unco' good accusers sorely with hia terrible pen. The man wbo delighted to ' alate' those good people who— •Learn three-mil. prayer_ and half-mile graces Wi' weel spread hands, and lang. wry facea; Gunt up a, solemn, lengthened t.roan, And damn all parties but your own,' that in»» would baa godsend to ' lan MacLaren ' juab now, when the kirk seema 'a' resolved on hia oppression.' •** » • «_ » * 1 fancy if Mr Ban Tilletb upon his reburn to England wrote a book and pub therein bis candid opinion of the down-troddon serfs of the pestilent capitalist, who gathered to moeb him in Auckland, some bhing nob tjnito complimentary to fcha aforesaid slave of the gold bug might appear. Just imagine the feelings of a guest who upen being introduced to those gathered to do him honour hears bhe following tactful personal remarks: ' Noj doubt many of you, like myself, are rather!

disappointed at hia personal appearance. I expected in a labour leader eomeono moro like our own Mr Seddon.' An inbroduction like thab, when a man is nob a Goliath, is scarcely calculated to make a etra_g.r feel quite ab ease. The truth ia thab tho greab labour organiser ia like Napoleon, Alexander, aad several of our own local would-be leaders of the multitude, a gentleman who requires to comforb himaelf wibh the refloc.ion that, * The mind's the standard ot bho man. 5 Nature evidently started with the intention of making a big man of Mr Tilletb, but loasaned the dimensions aa soon aa tho head was finished, Tho compensation of Nature has, however, been jusb, for ib is by his head thab Mr Tillebt bas risen into prominence. Still, you know, ib is safe to call a big man an elephant if you like, he will nob object, bub juab denominate a email man a bantam cock and ccc whab broublo will follow. Even when Mr Tilletb had finished a most impassioned bib of magnificent word painting his evil luck pmsued him, for bhe effect was undoubtedly marred by the cool announcement * vVa will now bave a litble mueic to enliven us,' and a comic song secured as much applause as ihe finest effort of the orator. Tho climax of all waa when bhese bonighted beings who wore groimd down by the soulless cipibaliafc cleared away the formg in order to havo i. couple of hourß' dancing. Whab a coutraab between the old laud and bhe new. On one side harrowing descripbiona of the murderous chemical works of Merry England, bhe whibe slavery of bhe chain makers, and the starving thousands of London ; on the obher, a gathering of welldressed, healthy-looking lads and lasses enjoying a dance and handing round refreshments at intervals. Waa it to ba wondered afc bhab the fiery denunciations of tha Sociali.t labour advocate na he eloquently painted the grasping m^rcilessneas of fche capitalisb, and depicted the terrible existing misery in the over-crowded ceutrea at Home, fell on unsympathetic ears, under such circumstances ? I feel sure that Mr Tilletb himself will be inclinod to say, * Thank God tbey aro unsympathetic,' when he reflects tbab the aole reason was bacauste hia hearers could nob underaband fully a misery they had never eeon or felt. It ia those who have worn the shoe know how it pinched.

Ono does nob need bo go much further bhan fche foroign cablegram columns in tho daily papers for humour, unconscioua humour generally. Tho latesb grave joke perpebrated in the cable columns ia * bhab two divisions of bhe Russian army ab Kara are encamped on bhe Turkish fronbier under the pretext of preventing the spread of the bubonic plague to Russian territory.' These Ruaaiana ate such funny fellows ! Tho officer who gave that aa his pretext for getting close to Turkish soil seams to bavo a well developed sense of humour. To. treat fcho bubonic plague aa one would treab a mad dog, or a stray Turk, or a wild animal, to bo prevented from 'spreading' itself by means of bullet and bayonet, ia certainly a crude mebhod of ' prevention' which is truly Russian. Possibly those acute Russians expecb to find bhe bubonic plague quietly strolling along fche frontier with a view to paying a visit bo Moscow or Sb. Petersburg, and bhey are going to surround him and arrest him or periah in the attempt. Bub are they ao very particular about) bhe plague, bubonic or otherwise? Thoaa Rusßians are certainly good bauds at excuses.

In a recent arbicle in a Christchurch paper on 'The Preaent Condition of fche Urewera Maoris,' Mr Eledon Best, who bas resided in fche Urewera country, now known officially as'Tuhoe Land,' narratea some amusing traits of bhe modernised Maori, in tbo course of which he eaya : ' Soma yeara ago tho natives afc Te Whaiti woro running a little one-horso store for their own immediate benefit. A notice within this humble warehouse ran thus : ' One bag flour 14a, lib sugar 6d, 1 glaaa whiaky la. ** Come unto me all yo that are heavy laden and I will give you rest!" ' Commenb ia needless. Fancy the voluptuouß 18 carat resb thab ono would enjoy nffcer a course of bush whiaky in a Maori pub.' The happy intermixture of whiaky and scripture in bhab inscription was cerbainly truly Maori!

Some Auckland young ladies are acting on the axiom tbab the way to an Englishman', hearb is through his stomach. A number of fair damsels have lately started taking cookery lessons at bhe rooms of bhe Auckland Gas Cempany, and are straining every endeavour in bheefforb to successfully produce cream puffs, * kiosea,' jam barbs, cusfcardfi of an exceedingly saccharine sorb, and other dubious concocbions dear to the hearb of womankind. Then once a week bhey invite a select coterie of male friends up to admire their handiwork, and baste bhe fearfully and wonderfully mado ' cookies' which they burn oub. The eatables are retailed aba Bmall charge for the lunch by bhe Company; no guarantee against medical expenses. The girls are evidently determined bhab fche young men shall see what good cooks their fair entertainers are; and thab they shall fully realiao the advantages of casting in their lob with the fair Creatures who can makv life worth living on such semi-ethereal fare as ' angel' cake, vanilla custard, and similar feminine nibblings. Some callous villain will no doubb express _Btoniahmonb ab the hardihood of the Auckland feuncsse doric in ao meekly allowing their precious organs of digesbion to be experimented on by the amateur young lady cook and her gas sbove. Bub callow youbh will swallow pretty woll everything, and the fooli. h young man who thinks of marrying will suffer a good deal from Beauty's, cookery when hia time cornea, so thab ib i° 9 after all, wise polioy on bis part to tosb bhe cooking capabilities of bis young lady Bcquaitsbances. No doubb ib ia better in fche long run to au_\_r a little from riaky pa.try, as a sort of probation for the girl experimenter, bhan for the re.b of one'a life bo give half o'no's victual over bo someone elae in return for bhe privilege ot haviug tho obher half badly cooked.

I am once again getting r/ither auspicious ot tbab cable man. He sends daily such eeneational news regarding bhe state of affairs in fcho East that one would imagine a general European war about to burs. out. The reason I am getting suspicious is because tha pulse ot the world's pears>, English consols, have nob shown any symptoms bo far of rapid decliiv. Thia Eastern question haa been a kind of bogey for the lasb quarter of a century. Diplomatists havo become famous over and still no near results. I sometimes wonder if the whole thing ia a humbug. I can well imagine John Bull's representative saying bo t Prince Kobchiunikoff, 'Look here, old man, things aro so dull hore thab unless wo make a move our Governments wiU bo calling ua home and sending oub some ono of inferior diplomatic grade, and then whore will we be ?' Then bho Prince will aay, ' Well, perhaps we had better havo anobher war scare and each get kudos for diplomatically preventing it.' Tho ii6_.t movo ia fco geb bhab Russian paper wifch _n unpronounceable name bo state that Turkey has agreed to cede come territory to bhe Norbhern power. The ' Tirnea'' correspondent next beare, on good authority, bhab there is somo foundation for the statement, and thon bhe fun begins. Fleets are despatched, troops massed on bho frontier and all sorts of sensational mes.age.- concocted, until tho winter approaches, when bhe farce enda by the difficulty being settled. The Prince is complimented for trying togetthe terribory, and our man receives a title for preventing bim. Meanwhile trustees for widows and orphans have cold consola aba c_nce_._on during

the ecare, and the capibaliab who buys reaps a handsome protib oub of the fcraDSaobion. Juab ab the preaent time the war scare haa had the effecb of deadening bhe London mining markeb and enabling English capitalists to eecuro good mining properties ab tbia end on terms bhab a few monbhs ago would never have been considered.