RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXII, Issue 295, 12 December 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

§Somo write, a neighbour s name to lash ?! wnte-van thought! for needful'cash. ««»e write to please tlie country clash, v„ r .„ . _ And raise a din. _ 01 me. an aim I never fash - •I write for fun.

A correspondent put in a plea in a local daily paper the other day in the cause of the ladies attending places of public amusement, urging that more should be done to provide for their physical comfort than is the case at present. lam quite in sympathy with this champion of tho best part of creation, for it is very evident to all frequenters of concert-halls and theatre s thab the ladies are forced to go without many a libtlo comfort which might without any harm be accorded them when they visit places of amusement. The big hulking men are continually availing themselves of their privilege to slip outside to see a man about a dog, or to enjoy a smoke, in the intervals during the progress of a performance in bhe theatre ; but tho fairer portion of Auckland must content itself Avith looking on and envying the liberty. It would be tin innovation to make provision lor ladies obtaining light refreshments at the Opera House and other places of pnbho amusement, but the innovation would certainly be a beneficial ono. I fail to see any objection to tho female portion of the audiences ab our concerthalls and theatres being provided with Buch comforting trifles as tea, coffee, and the usual lighb round of eatables and drinkables, as ia now the rule in most of the leading cities of the world. I would not go quite so far as to advocate nine-o'clock luncheons in the dress-circle, or to oncourage late suppers in church, between the lessons, bub I would at least give the ladies a chance to refresh themselves in a harmless manner, while their liege lords and swains are outside engaged inputting down the liquor traffic

"From information received " I am led to believe that the Salvation Army Barracks is officially classed in local Government reburns as amongst the " places of amusement" in Auckland. After all, I don't bhink the joker who compiled thab return was very far wrong. "General" Booth, when he skipped through Now Zealand lately, somewhere made the remark apropos Of something or other, that if the Salvation Army has not benefited some people ib had ab least amused them. Tho

apostle of "Christianity up to date " was about right. I confess that I have nob been personally much benefited by the doings of the Army, but I have certainly often derived some cheap amusement from bhe actions and sentiments of its votaries,

of course altogether apart from the question

of the Army's real work. The Salvationists appear to be able to raise a strong corps 'p.f mountebanks ab very short notice, and if "•jiusement is not one of the chief elements i Y*" v'*apressiona of casual lookers-on ab or barracks demonstration, Jwner ltetiriri. anc i ears deceive me. As Uti, * * * * rl Kauri Ware* * , * ites in Taiestr-^ 1 ' 100 ' teachers have a lot to ill Hlands ,' i " na k from parents who fail to a -;ve.wt;riyir children to school regularly. The u .\U l ious excuses senb to the head teacher explaining the cause of absence are both amusing "and in many cases ridiculous. Probably, the " champion " excuse was forwarded to Mr Worthington, of the YVellesley-street School, bho other day, v.'hen a fond mother senb a note that it was " too hob " for her child to attend. The pedagogue forwarded the excuse on to the City Schools Committee, but of course thab body were powerless to regulate the climate to suit young New Zealand, and they simply shook their heads, and gravely pondered over their manifold, school troubles.

So far as my experience goes, I have nob previously heard of a case whore a man in ordinary circumstances was compelled bo be summoned to pay the undertaker for the expense incurred *in burying his wife. However, such a claim did come before the ."Resident Magistrate at the local Courb this week. To those of a feeling nature of mind, it was quite sad enough to hear the plaintiff proving the items, and it makes " Zamiel " exclaim, " Can such things be ?" It is fair to say of the husband that he did not pub in an appearance at Court.

I have more than once taken occasion to refer in these columns to the most regrettable circumstance in connection with our colonisation of New Zealand-the deCay of the Maori race. The lasb native census showed only a slight decrease in the aboriginal population, but I am convinced from observation and inquiries that the Maoris are dying oub more ™pwJy in somo quarters of New Zealand than is even popularly supposed. We have heard something lately of the great difficulty experienced in dealing with Maori sicknesses, and in inducing nativos to accept the dictum of pakeha doctors and submit to pakeha treatment for their ailments. For the most parb, they prefer to believe in their own rough and ready system of surgical treatment and their old superstitious beliefs, and it is consequent y hardly surprising that they being carried off by diseases which to tho European would be comparatively trilling. As matters stand at presenb tho native race is not advancing: ib is positively retrograding in health in unmoors, in physique, and in c haracber. Thee is, however, some hope for the Maori people if more encouragement is only given to men like young lurangi, o Poverty Bay, of whom I. heard the other day from Kotorua. He is, lam to a remarkable man. possessed of wmarkaole abilities He hails from To Ar i, m,«i Gisborne, and proves to be■ n.Maori doctor or faith-healer. Be does not trust to faith so much, however, ato common-senso methods of curjj eases, und it is therefore not surprwws that bis remedies should prove successful. He ia described as having " the eye.of hieo lan enthusiast," and he behoves bhab he was born to fill the position ot medicine-man to his people. If Dr. Turapgi were t ker by the Government and given some lustruc tion in medical practice, no one car ay bub what he might be the means of saving many of his raco from premature death, and perhaps be tho means ot opening up - now epoch in the physical salvation ol the Maori people.

Jb has been said thab wherever anything good is being promoted the devil is present to sti. up evil. ■ However this may be it ainly true thab many pab.o ngs are often more or less spot b_by the thoughtlessness or care ? .iesa o =l dividual- present. II hi .b hats, of talking or laughter, ot ladies »'- ---people leaving or entering the ust ata time, when ™"""*™Tuew Squired (nearly over boots) have beon remarked mti am 3, But there is another nu._a»cthat tmim about from personal and painful

sir, _? a °,r •r*** «k° i with Pictorial m y . ■ , ; toroet .»(! lecture, city cC H_i., ' .°". S - in " ™rt»ta mado a spoedv <.«. ™1 "Jtatalj: have wou.d t»vS. ra to w i 'ii ia }rs ? T '»''« „"»&» «__* there £ r t as* &__£"¥*?« =^wn-_ 4 S.__^SS saturated the mouth aod'SontarvlS f^.r.r_K_£~ SS I '..^ lWdtavo °' adoS ™ * _,* * *

However I decided to weather the fragrant whiffs thab came floating TtlJily and relentlessly to my nostrils: whenPhew! what's that? Well, this time ib was a most pronounced odour of beer and spirits, with of course, the various chemical additions which become associated with them after reaching the human interior. 1 had reason to bhink chat bhese latber emanations came from the same man as tne vile tobacco-saliva-pancreas concoction. If so, the offender, in the kindness ol his heart, had evidently indulged the spirits" first, then attempted' to smoke them out, and so prevent their " repeating " themselves. The attempt was a dismal failure. There was now v contest between the several odours, first one, then another, coming oub on top. Matters were, iudeed, becoming " highly " interesting, but when one has a good seat in a full gathering, and especially when the proceedings are entertaining, one does nob care bo shii'b. I bherefore retained my seat (which was about as close as anyone's to the offender), and merely endeavoured to avert my head from the direction in which the whiffs seemed to come. Bub in vain, the contending odours camo from all points of the compass ; so, as there was no dodging them, I once more acrewed up sufficient nerve (olfactory) to endure them.

Onions ! onions ! In mercy's name, it couldn't bo ? Yes, friends, it was. And good strong onions ab that. Talk of " cannon to righb of bhem, cannon to lefb of them," at Balaklava, that must have been pretty bad; but I venture to assert that it was not a circumstance compared with those odours —at least, in their effect upon the nasal organs. Imagine the situation : first, a steady whirl" of the vile tobaccobreath ; then an inspiration of worse beer and spirits ; lastly, on top of all, the onions —in connection with whicn 1 use no adjec tivo, as I cannot just now recall a suitable one. Well, really 1 cast my eyes round in piteous despair for a "quieter "seat, bub that being unattainable I leant forward, nexb to the left, then to the right. No ; that man, or the "spirits" in him, had struck a bargain to worst mo. Did he wanb my seat, did ho wanb bo geb up a prejudice againsb onions and so reduce their price, or did he wish to nullify the good efiect of tho lecture and pictures, or what in Jupiter's name was his object? I did nob turn to sec who ib was, but 1 am nob aware of ever having seriously injured any man— bherefore nob him.

However, I was determined to sco the lecture through, and added to this was the fact that the collection had not yet been taken up—and I never shirk the collection, even if I do put in " the smallest silver coin." Still, allowing for these circumstances, I shall henceforth pride myself on considerable "staying" power. I might have " cut it " in more senses than one had I chosen, bub was determined not to be beaten by the unseen powers that time. But oh, the blessedness of fresh air after that experience ! Once outside, if. is almost needless to state that 1 expanded my chest to its utmost capacity and drank in the oxygenising element with devout gratitude.

All the world and his wife seem to be more or less afflicted with the demon influenza. The " grippe " epidemic of some months ago has evidently set in with redoubled energy from England to the South Sea Islands. The Czar has influenza, and " Zamiol " is awaiting his turn with considerable patience. Unfortunate Wellington appears to have had an especially bad time of ib with its own little dose of influenza, and we may expect to be visited by the merry microbe ourselves without much delay. Various cures have been suggested for the fell fiend "la grippe," from that of tho Taranaki Chinaman who diagnosed the disease to be caused by "a worm in the skin," to the prescriptions of Dr. Koch ; but the remedy thab recommends itself to me as tho simplest and apparently most efficacious of bhe lob ia bhe following one, which haila from Australia : — " A'newspaper man, who is jusb recovering from influenza, wishes to oiler to a suffering public the prescription which cured him. Here ib is:-Three liver pills, one shilling's worbh of quinine, GO drops of eucalyptus oil, one assorted drunk, four cold baths, along walk in. tho sun, one excursion on tho harbour, about 42 hard smoke-, anobher liver pill, six penn'orth more quinine, a free fight, 20 more drops of eucalyptus oil, a Turkish bath, an-J a row with his mother-in-law. All of these things to be well shaken before taken. In the case of a patient who hasn't got any mobhet-in-law a row with some other female may bo substituted."

The ups and downs of colonial lifo are, to say the least of it, peculiar, and load to some" peculiar situations. A certain Kew Zealand inhabitant, ab ono time wealthy, had the misfortune, like many other good men bo become bankrupt. Aa the proprietor of a handsome property, he had been in the habit of cultivating his own vegetable patch, and when a too sympathetic friend happened to be condoling with him upon his misfortune, asking "And what are you going to do now?" ib was perhaps natural to reply in jest, "Oh, I'm rroin" in for vegetables, may I have your m.atrTm*" The friend took the mabter seriously. "Certainly," ho replied, and coin" straight home, he remarked to the irirl " Mary, if a gentleman comes with vegetables when I am out, take what you reuuire from him, then show him into the front room and give him some cake and wine " Bater in the day the good mar ,' returned, and Mary was interrogated as to whether the gentle<in with the vegetables had called. "Yes " she replied. " And did you show him into the front room ?" " Yes," replied theirirl "And did you give him some „„u an d wine*?" " Yes " a_ain said Mary, apparently fully confident of having carried out her instructions to the lebter " Well, what did he say ?'"' asked toe good man, by w , v of closing the conversation, and Mary iVnlied " He said, sir, ' Wely good wince, no good Cftkee, much obligee.' " Comment is needles:'.

V The Madai'ascaus vvere brought rather prominently 'into " The Golden Ladder " at the Opera House the other nighb. 1 hey are a peculiar people and have peculiar frm* I am credibly informed, tor mC i lb the "Queen of Madagascar takes a f\ " «,JJ _ year While .he observes her batn once a. y-■*•'■ . . -mnual custom the populace sing hymns and play dmmß ' WbeQ merges

from the tub arrayed in rdbes of royalty and decorated with crown jewels a mighty cheer goes up from an unwashed crowd. In Madagascar tubbing is not popular. It is regarded as an act of great courage to submit to the cleansing influences of water. I suppose, indeed, that a man might make a decent living by going roumi and washing himself as a show. Poor Ij'ears and the Mother soap people would die bhen. They fmighb, however, geb a man iUce the hero of Mark Twain's lacesb book, a Yankee at the court of King Arthur. Hb made the natives " try ie on a dog ;"• if that did nob sabisfy them he would wtjish a hermit. If he survived a wash, anyone Here, of course, we prido ourselves on our washing—our whitewashing especially.

Verily tho pathway oE the unmarried clergyman is bestrewn with rose leaves, and his joys are as the sands d>f the seashore. The shrewd mamma witth marriageable daughters sheds a perpetual effulgence of sweeb smiles upon him, and! the coy maiden delights to encase his feet in, gaudy slippers and to attire his head in brilliant smokingcaps. The obedient brother arranges picnics, at which the revdrend bachelor is tho " chiefest of .guests," and " poor old papa " dips: deeply into his purse in search of substantial contributions to ignorant i heathen and deserving home missions, in!which he feels no interest. But bhese things all contribute to the pleasures of the unmarried clergyman, and it is .fitting and right thab they should be his so long as he is on the list thab is known asi" eligible." They are joys that are nob' for the clergyman who has taken unt'.o himself a wife, lot he has nothing to toiler in return but his blessing, which is nCit a marketable commodity, and " unctuous blessings marry no daughters." I

Ib was thus I moralised in church on a recent sultry Sunday ovening, and this is why. Tho preacher's voice was sounding in my drowsy ears like l,the hum of a distant hive of bees, liny senses were settling down calmly ib restful slumber, my eyelid- were closing 'Hazily for the last time wliffi, lo ! —but no, i'.b could nob be!— but yos, v/as — Genblo reader, what do you think? For a quarter of a century I had sab in my peaceful oorner, and times oub of number had deplorod the griminess of bhe beautiful lectern, tho gift of a former incumbent. Once brightb and spotless, it had grown duller imd duller as year succeeded year. No ! - friendly hand had sought by bhe applies abion of elbow grease bo restore ib 3 original brightness, and ab lasb it had grown 'as grimy and black as if it had been cast, ot iron. But now, ye gods defend us ! Itr: was bright and shining as if ib were fresh ijfrom the artificer's furnace. But why the change, and why had it come so suddenly ? Surely some good fairy had taken up hor a. bode in the old church. An_ then I remembered thab the race of married incumbent!, had passed away, and that tho reign of van unmarried clergyman had commenced.! Hence my moralising vein, a-nd my pious ejaculation : ''Bless thoir little hearts; ] may he provo worthy of them."