Humorous.

Auckland Star, Volume XXII, Issue 139, 13 June 1891, Page 3 (Supplement)

Humorous.

Household Words.—' Shut the door.' Lord of the aisles—A male pew-opener. Longfellow said—' In this world a man must be either an anvil or a hammer.' Both would be almost useless without the bellows, and bhere are plenty of men in the world who faithfully represenb bhab article. A prudent man had his portrait painted recently. His friends complained to him thab ib was much boo old. ' Thab's what I ordered,' said he. *Ib will save the expense of another one ten years from now.' Judge : *Do you understand whab you are bo swear to ?' Wibness : * Yas, sah. I'm to swear to tell de truf.' Judge: 'And whab will happen if you do not tell ib? Witness : * I 'spects our side will win de case, sah.' ' jNo,' said the dying punster, with a grim smile, ' no, I don't objecb bo flowers, but don'b have any violebs, please. I shouldn't care to have my grave violated, you know.' It was immediately agreed thab ib was beßb he should go. Inductive officer : • How is this, Murphy ? The sergent complains that you called him jj_c_hes.' Private Murphy : ' Plaze, sorr, I nivver called him onny names ab all. All I said was, " Sergeant," says I " some of us ought to be in a menagerie.' A New Yorker worth 25,000,000 dollars says he took the most comfort when hia wealth counted up to aboub half a million. A man with a million can take all the comfort bhab one with 75,000,000 dollars can buy, and he has only one-seventy-fifth of the cares and anxiety. Sbop, young man—stop at a million. In a restaurant, not long ago, a gentleman, while devouring a plate of soup, came across a pearl sleeve button in ib. He very juebly complained to the head waiter, the latter replying in an astonished manner. • ' Well, what d'ye expect to get—a whole shirt?? There was an American farmer who owned a little, scraggy cantankerous bull that could not be kept inside of any lob bhat was ever fenced in Connecticut. One day, just afber bhe railroad bebween Hartford and Springfield was made, he broke out from his pasture and made for the railroad. Hia owner saw the tip-end of his tail disappear over the fence, and ' put' for him as best he could. Jusb as he reached bhe railroad, along came a brain ab full speed, and there stood the bull on the track with head down, and ready for a fight with the locomotive. The old man swung his hab, and shouted, 'Go ib, you little cuss. ladmire your pluck, bub despise your judgment.'