RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XX, Issue 147, 22 June 1889, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel.] Some write, a neighbour's name to lash. Some write—vain thought! for needless cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. Tor me, an aim I never fash— I write for fun;

"Taking round the hat!" What memories the world-worn phrase recalls of bye-gone happy days, when palatial edifices were not considered absolutely necessary for the B aying of souls, and when ministers of religion only resigned their pastorates at the summons of grim King Death and his attendant satellites—Sickness and Disease ; days when the orthodox sermon was usually over rather than under an hour in duration, and the offertory, not only figuratively, but literally, taken up in the hat, and not in the ornamented gew-gaws that do duty now. Indeed, my masters, we have marvellously progressed, and probably the bare thought in these enlightened days, of a church-warden or deacon soiling his fingers with anything but a richly ornamented plate while taking up the offertory, suggests dire consequences. And yeb, dear and always indulgent reader, in my capacity as a veracious chronicler of passing events, I am bound 'to tell you of what transpired lasb Sawbath eve, merely prefacing the " shot" by remarking that I had been spending the day very pleasantly " over the water " with some auld Scots, and gladly accepted their invitation to accompany them to the neighbouring kirk. You must presume thab bhe service was thoroughly enjoyed and that I listened in rapt attention to the words of wisdom that ever and anon flowed from the learned lips of the officiating divine ; you must also presume that I experienced a feeling of relief as the closing words of his discourse fell on my fast failing ear, because it is really a fact; but you cannot presume to know what followed. It was observed that the deacon whose duty it was to take up the offertory was in a sadly disturbed and flustered frame of mind, for he stood foolishly looking from ono to the other without the necessary plate, and all this time the " unco quid " were ransacking pockets for the nimble threepenny bit or the sagacious sixpence as the case might be, and still the plate came not.

The divine evidently took in the situation, and probably visions of a large and hungry family clamouring for bread stirred his pulses to their depths, but still he himself Btirred not. But the deacon ! Whab of him? Ah ! He was a man ! ! ! A genius! The nimble threepennies and sagacious sixpennies were still tinkling in his little pink oar, and what did he do? He made straight for his seat, and stooping down emerged therefrom with a real old - fashioned bell-topper hab, and this he proceeded to take round for the collection, without moving one muscle of his features. I shall not easily forget the look that overspread the countenance of a red-haired youth with a paper collar and double distilled squint, who essayed to gplace in that chapeau his offering, and I shall pass over in silence the stony look that o'ershadowed the features of a majority of the congregation as they sniffed in undisguised horror as this resuscitated head-covering was ruthlesslypushed in close proximity to their olfactory nerves. Suffice it to say that as soon as convenient I girded up my loins and fled into the darkness. When I reached home and recounted my experiences to Mrs Z., she exclaimed, " Whab a funny lot of people ! Are they not the same congregation thab used a whisky bottle for a candlestick a few Sundays ago, when the gas went out ?" I said I didn't know, bub would inquire. Perhaps some of my readers know more about it than I do. Ye ken ?

Within the last few weeks many Aucklanders have noticed and wondered ab the moody and absent-minded appearance of the countenances of our local gallant police constables both while on and off duty. We are informed upon reliable authority that this is solely owing to the mental distraction produced by the "boys in blue" being forced into competition with the lawyers, owing 'to . their being compelled to wade through and master their thirty-two Acts of Parliament before they can hope for advancement. The whole force is sorrowful at the prospect of having to so far " sink into the depths " as to turn amateur members of the " devil's own," but still many of them devote their one Sunday off a month to perusal of musty old statutes, and the Police Station guardroom is now redolent of " pleadings," rules of evidence, far-fetched legal arguments, minutiae of bhe law regarded with horror by the bulk of the Christian public. Almost every stalwart " copper" one meets in Queen-street nowadays can be heard quoting slowly and solemnly in a " loud whisper," as Paddy would say, clauses from Taylor's "Law of Evidence," Archibald's -•Pleadings," or some other forensic a uthority.

Now that there has been so much talk about the "sweating system," ib is time that people knew actually what is involved in the term. The " sweating system" is an Old World plague which has been adopted by the colonies, and has even found its way into the heart of the fair city of Auckland. An informal census, taken by officers of the Amalgamated Society of Tailors six years ago, gave the total of London tailors as 20,000, of whom 15,000 were employed under the " sweating system." It is somewhat alarming, therefore, to be told thab the proportion of " sweaters " is greater in Auckland than in London. The object of the sweater being his own gain, the tendency of the system is to grind the workers down to the lowest possible limit, and it has been truly observed that the people employed under such a system "may be said to exist, bub cannot by any possibility enjoy life."

I havemadesome inquiry into tho practice as it obtains in Auckland, and have learned something which should cause that easygoing people, the general public, to open their eyes. I am told that young women who aro employed here under this abominable system earn from 5s to 7s per week, working both ab bhe facbory and ab home, while tailoresses who are lucky enough to be employed by firms who do not demean themselves by "sweating" their employees, are able to make from 30s per week upwards in the ordinary working hours. Hundreds of unfortunate women and girls are said to be eking oub a bare existence under this tyrannical system by working night and day, and ib is scarcely to be wondered ab if some are driven to occupations which may be considered less respectable, but are certainly more remunerative. We have champions for our working men, champions for social purity, and champions for every creed and religion, bub Auckland still calls in vain for a champion who will take up the most deserving cause of that most unfortunate part of the community that exists, and exists only, under the tyranny of the 'sweater."

Perhaps no community in the two hemispheres is more conversant with the system of " putting thej screw on" than we are here t in. Auckland, and doubtless many bitter and -heartrending tales of desolation and woe might still be written anent the wholesale squeezing: process through which a ma]ority of us here passed during the last year or two. Our banking institutions, indeed, have earned a world-wide reputation in this re-

spect, and now, evidently having used the iron glove to some effect on the outside world, they are turning their attention to internal affairs, and have issued several mandates to their employees that must have made them squirm again on their hard office stools. Ib is an open secret that a private detective is employed by at least oue institution, his duty being to shadow and report any officer who may be seen going into houses of questionable repute. They are then warned bylebter, and a repetition of the offence leads to dire consequences. Now, this is excellent in its way and probably is a move in the righb direction, albhough ib savours somewhab of the discipline enacted by a stern and unrelenting parent against a skibbish and wayward child. Admibbing that the idea is a good one, what shall be said of the latest fad, which like the laws of the Medes and the Persions is unalterable, and forbids absolutely to- allow any of the curled darlings to assist at any of those amateur "shows" in which they have been wont to take such a prominent part. Now, it is a well-known fact that these gentlemen have, by .their histrionic efforts, vocal ability, andinstrumenal exertions been tho means of extricating many a deserving and charitable institution from the slough of despond, and also of filling many an impoverished church coffer, without respect to creed or denomination, and those who have had most to do in the promotion of these affairs will take pleasure in asserting with me that their kindness on all occasions has been beyond praise.

Well, all this must now cease, for the edict has gone forth that in future any officer taking part, in any of these entertainments does so at his own risk and peril. No reason has been given to the officers but it is generally understood the controlling powers are of opinion that the excitement attendant on a " show " before the public is not compatible with the proper discharge of the officer's duties during that or the next day and that, per se, their business must suffer. Now, ib is generally conceded by foreign nations that the Britishers take their pleasures sadly, and is it any wonder that avo in this glorious new country shall wallow in the footsteps of our forefathers, if these ridiculous prejudices are to be carried out. What earthly difference is there between a man singing a song in a crowded drawing-room and in a haU before a number of his friends and well-wishers ? If it is exciting for them to _ sing in the one place, then it is equally so in the other, and these grave and dignified seigniors who themselves are no doubt partial to vocal and instrumental music will now have to pay professionals to charm their senses, instead of as heretofore extending a warm invitation to poor Brown, Jones and Robinson, who in return for the condescension are expected to charm the senses of their hosts by the performance of some rich operatic gem, or selection from one of the favourite oratorios. I, for one, shall watch with interest the outcome of this, the latest attempt of " putting ou the screw."

The matrimonial markeb appears to be oversbocked wibh widows, the number offering being far in excess of the demand. The ruling prices I am nob in a posibion to give, as they are invariably made the subject of private arrangement, but it is pleasing to note that all those who make their wants known through the medium of the Star are ladies possessing unusual attractions. Saturday's issue is particularly favoured, probably because it forms the solace of many a lonely bachelor on the Sunday—out of church hours of course. Applicants are invited for a middle-aged widow, sunny side of fifty, family all married and away, good means, etc., also for three highly respectable widows, all with means, and expecting their future husbands to have means, one worthy hard-working widow wibh one child, and possessing |means, a highly respectable, cultured young widow, with small family and good means, and last bub nobyleast, a young widow in business, with no children, who would make a good wife to a working man.

Walk up, gentlemen, walk up. Here you have tlie greabesb opportunity ever placed before the eyes of lonely bachelors, and such a chance may never occur again in a lifetime. Here you have 'em, all sizes, all ages, all highly respectable, all with means, some with incumbrances, and some without. Now, hurry up and take your choice. Don't remain in single misery when you can be blessedly happy. No previous experience is required ; the ladies have all had enough for both, and you can start housekeeping and abandon your rookery right away. You can have a widow and one child, of a widow with several children ; there's a Widow with a business, and several widows encumbered neither with business nor bairns ; a good-looking widow, a cultured widow, and a worthy, hard-work-ing widow. Hurry up, gentlemen, hurry up ; and please don't all speak at once. #** * * *

Many readers of the Star will n° doubt have noticed the accounts given of the terrible amount of mutilating and killing of half-dead victims of the disastrous floods in Johnstown (U.S.) by armed ruffians, for the sake of the wretched gain which might be had by plundering their corpses. Zamiel could nob help I mentally contrasting them with the heroic behaviour of the Samoan natives,—" bloomin' cannibal" as one enlightened Briton characterised them the other day—on the occasion of the recent disastrous hurricane there, which caused trie death of one hundred and fifty gallant sailors. Ib is certainly rather strange to hear of these half-civilised denizens of the sunny Soubh Seas stretching oub a friendly hand and risking their lives to save their mortal enemies when in danger, and then to turn to a Christian nation, the centre of human advancement as ib is claimed, and observe the fiendish way in which bands of white savages treated their fellow-countrymen in a similar plight to that of the German and American seamen at Apia. One naturally is inclined to wonder whether we civilised pakehas are really so far superior to the brown-skinned "heathen" of the Pacific, as we are apt to believe.

'Ib is the custom of married men to expatiate to their bachelor friends on the advantage of domestic felicity, and to depict in glowing colours the attractions of a peaceful happy home and a loving wife. Potent attractions these to the bachelor mind. Dear me, how many good fellows they have led astray—and have settled down. Ab, yes, that is the term—" settled down." Twenty times a week- am I urged to "settle down," which I suppose means to give up my dreadful bachelor ways and become a devoted husband and father, and the chairman of a committee of ways and means which is everlastingly on the subject of supply. But, apart from minor considerations, does it not strike you, my dear reader, that this phrase of "settling down" is a bit .of a misnomer? One doesn't hear of bachelors appearing in a court of justice for wife beating, and such like offences. No! It is the husbands who have " settled down,' and who are so charmed with their first experiences of this phase of life that they devote themselves subsquehtly to the "settling down "of their wives for the future. Then again, bachelors don't figure so largely in the Divorce Courts as married men, nor are ; they so frequently convicted of drunkenness. And yet they have not settled down. So also with the advanced bype of larrikinI ism. Too often is ib credibed bo " rollicking I rams "of the bachelor persuasion, but how 1 often are those married men at fault.

A very serious case in point came under my notice this week. Two jocular married men of Parnell, were returning from town the other night a "'little" bit elevated, or else they had been sibbing in the sun. On their way they' relieved the monotony of their journey by sportively breaking a window sash and two panes of glass belonging to a house in Mechanics' Bay. This was not the firsb little pleasantry of the kind that had been practised upon the victim, and he decided to follow the culprits, who h&d bravely bolted. He caught them before theyjreached the top of Parnell Rise andidentified them. Next day he taxed them with bhe ocsurrence, and as they saw no loop hole of escape, they confessed. They have since paid for their little bit of fun, and paid through the nose too, for to avoid exposure they have also covered the cose of several windows that other larrikins had broken. So you see, dear reader, " settling down " is after all scarcely what ib seems and we are forced to the anomalous conclusion thab too often married men will be boys, and silly boys at that.

Dear me, why was I not at Beresfordsbreeb Church lasb Sunday morning? It was cold, you remember, freezing cold, and hence I was nob at church. Hence, also, I lost the opportunity of sitting clos. up to the nicest young lady in the room to keep her warm, if you please. The cold was really searching, and its influence was evidently great upon the congregation. The pastor, who is a practical man, noticed the paucity of attendance, and no doubt his eye was also attracted by the blue noses of some of his congregation. After a glance round the church he said, with aslighb shiver, " It's very cold this morning. I think you had better all sit closer together so as to keep each other warm." It was wonderful how quickly the young folks adopted tho suggestion of their spiritual guide. Tho way in which the girls nestled up alongside the boys showed thab there was an earnest intention to do as the pastor wished. Singular to' state, however, the married portion of the congregation did nob evince ';half as much readiness to sit closely together, and even young men who were occupying the same pew as their respected mothers did not shift from their seats. It would appear from this that in the church referred to, the young people musb be in a state of grace when they are so ready to accopt the slightest hint from the minister. It speaks well for them. The pastor in question should find it remunerative in the future, for there is a kind of magnetism in that kind of business that may last. Probably some of the young people will think that "the suggestion will be worth following out in the future. Granting such to be the case, it requires no grant stretch of imagination to think thab rings may be in reque3b in the sweeb by-and bye. Bless the dear pastor, Zamiel only wishes that the clergy had been equally far-seeing in his church-going days. Perhaps, then he might havo drawn close to soma dear departed friend whose magnetism might have fixed his wandering heart. HeTgh-ho ! this train of thought is depressing. What a flood of recollections of the fair ones who are now mated to others crowd upon my mind. Let me, however, rojoice in the liberty I now possess, and not hanker after that which, like dead sea apples might have turned to ashes in my mouth.