RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XX, Issue 58, 9 March 1889, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamikl.]

Some write a neighbour's name to lash Some write—vain thought! for needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, Athl raise a din. For me, an aim I never fash— I write for i'un.

" Poor old To Kooti!" Now that the murderous scoundrel has been caught and tamed by a couple of days' incarceration in Auckland prison, the popular tuns has changed, and there is a feeling ot commiseration for the drivelling, helpless, and whisky-sodden old wretch who has gone back to the Waikato, feeble, bleared wheezy, and hopelessly dejected. " Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof," and I am firmly persuaded thaj. the present attitude of the European population towards the once dreaded To Koot.

is more to be commended than thab o? mingled rage and terror which was rampant two weeks ago. Since the " scare" is over, I fancy most folks are of this opinion, and those who were most demonstrative are or ought to be thoroughly ashamed of their unrVgniiied panic and unchristian ferocity. I atn not one of those who blame the Government in the matter. Their every stop has been commendable and correct, though of course capable of being frightfully distorted by political opponents. And even supposing- they did blunder a little, tho master-stroke by which they finally settled the difficulty ought to absolve them completely. To have outwitted so sharp a young lawyer as W. J. Napier, and one so keen of scent when there was a prospect of fat fees and much notoriety, is an achievement of which Mr Mitchelson may well bs proud. Plainly put, there ia not the slightest doubt that the Government found Te Kooti's bail and packed Lira off secretly and hurriedly in order to avoid the long and troublesome litigation which would certainly have ensued had the lawyer* got a finger in the pie. The conviction was perhaps illegal, and could have been made the subject of much subtle hair-splitting and losic-chop-ping ; but the Government showed a proper appreciation of the affair by treating it as a farcical performance meant to intimidate the old imbecile. So, with tongue in cheek, Mr Mibchelson returns to the seat of Government, and though the lawyers rage, the colony is well pleased at having once more got rid of " the native difficulty."

The Premier and Native Minister havc been blamed for hob-nobbing' with th c pardoned murderer while he was in Auclc land some weeks ago, but there are other folks whose treatment of the old sa/age has

been quite as open to condemnation. For instance, it is recorded in t.he chronicles of the East Coast Expedition of ISS9 that when Major Porter led his army against the rebel horde'at Waioeka, he advanced to Te .Kooti and solemnly rubbed noses with him in Maori fashion. Then again, after Mr Bush, R.M., had pronounced a sentence on Te Koofci which was equivalent to one of six months' imprisonment, he descended from the Bench and warmly shook hands wibli the prisoner in the dock. These incidents prove that there must be something peculiarly amiable and attractive about a Maori offender. Fancy Inspector Broham affectionately embracing" Mike O'Rafferby, when he was brought up for being drunk and disorderly, and Dr. Giles after pronouncing; sentence warmly shaking the bloated soaker by the hand ! Conceive the picture of several thousands of admiring citizens assembling' to sea Mike planed in the black Maria, and going off disappointed because they were denied a glimpse of the hero ; and then to crown all, imagine Sir Harry Atkinson going bail for Mike, pinning a bit of blue on his boaom and sending him off with a fatherly advice to behave better in future ! Bah ! It disgusts me to think of all the outrageous beslobbering of a brown-skinned scamp, and I feel profoundly thankful that the clever maneuvering of the Government has knocked on the head the movement for mandamus, writs of habeas corpus, cerfiorari, and so forth, ending in the canonisation of the poor injured victim of injustice. Enough; let the memory of the massacres be wrapped in oblivion, and let their author unnoticed return

" To the vile dust from which he-sprung, Unwept, unhonoured and unsung!"

There is gnashing of teeth among the doctors, and all the odium medicum is aroused. The Thames Hospital Board have announced that advice and medicine will be dispensed by the House Surgeon ab the Hospital at the moderate price of five shillings to such as are able to pay for it, and the "'' Australasian Medical Gazette" is ab once to the fronb with a howl against the " indecency "of the affair. According to this high and mighty organ of the medical profession, the doctor who gives medicine and advice on these terms " prostitutes his profession," and is a " facile tool" of a scoundrelly Board. Dr. MacMullen, late of Auckland, has taken the trouble to write from Melbourne to inform the public of these parts that this five shilling fee business is " dangerous and prejudicial" to the interests of the sick poor," apparently for the simple reason that it is "unprecedented" — for no other rational ground for his opinion is disclosed. Now, "Zamiel" is not frightened of a thing simply because ib is " unprecedented," and ho father likes the notion cf supplying cheap advice and medicine to those who are not able to pay the unreasonable fees of the profession, and yet object to be classed as paupers. More power to the Thames Hospibal Board, say I, and I trust that the attempt of the doctors' trade union to boycott their house surgeon will not succeed. In the interests of the rsick pocr of Auckland, and as the best means of extending the usefulness of the Hospital, I should like to see the same system in vogue here.

Rats ! The latest testimonial to the purity of the city water supply is as unique as it ia effective.' It has been fully proved that blind - worms, eels, and • insects of various sorts could exist; in the water-pipes ; bub ib has now been shown that higher forms of , life ■ can flourish on a. watery diot. The other day, as the veracious Stab reporters testify, a lady who was drawing water for the dinner was astounded aba young rat coming popping out of the tap into the souo-pot. Like the fly in amber— ..

" Th" thing itself is neither strange nor rare;— The point is—Kow the it got there I In these hard times, it will be good news for ho-isewivea to know that animal food is supplied with the water, without extra charge, and as the " running beast" is landed all alive, oh! there can be no doubt as to the freshness ot the meat. It ia pleasant to reflect that the Incenaiavy Eat has found a neW vocation, and, instead of setting fire to well-insured premises, has allied himself with the Fire Brigado ; but ib is not so cheering to think that the waterdrinker is new likely to have the experience of the drunkard in the jim-jams?, and to be tormented with visions of "Rats. Would it not be bebter if bhe rat had stuck to the 'incendiary role, rather than have thus inflicted a crushing blow on the cause of Prohibition ?

" William Nestor1" writes with tho view of giving mo " a little qui«t And sarioufl talk and advice; bub ua this extends to iour puges of very dry.wuwh, I dou'b pup-

pose my readers would care to have it reproduced. William, I have no doubt, means well, when he condemns my " flippant remarks," and counsels me to go in for the " powerful discourse " style of the evangelical preacher ; but he is densely unconscious of tho ludicrousness of his advice. It would be as Unbecoming in mo to sermonise as it would be for the jester in his cap and bells to" mount the pulpit and thunder forth the threatenings of the law. Does my Nesfcorian friend really imagine that there is no seriousness- behind my'badinage? Or does he think that mirth is madness and a playful disposition sinful ? Is.he endowed with that gloomy and stern Puritanic nature which utterly fails to see the bright side of things, and cannot comprehend that the laughter born of a sense of the incongruities and drolleries of life is the surest symptom of a soul at peace with itself and in harmony with iba sun oundings ?

Verily it would seem that such are his views and disposition, for here is what he seriously writes :—" I really believe that the flippancy and shallowness so often seen in our colonial press will eventually produce amongst readers an inaptitude for managing the stern and solid realities of existence, and will eventuate in producing acropof lawless and shallowmen and women that will work theirowndestruction. I believe that a sneer from an influential paper does more towards diverting many young men and women, especially men, from religious influences than a Sunday's service can retain. See, now, devote your pen towards giving our young men who throng on streets afa night; and contaminate their months with bad tobacco and worse language, some object or aspiration to which they can hold in common." My censor implies that when I do write anything funny, it is always "malicious, vain, and vulgar." • Now, I have a settled conviction that, though I sometimes fail in being witty, I am uniformly polislied, pleasing and to the point, and occasionally deeply in earnest. If I am wrong, and "William Nestor" right, then I have egregionsly mistaken my vocation, and I deserve to be condemned to \v rite moral twaddle and Sunday school stories all the remaining days of my life,

There are many eccentric characters round Auckland, characters that would delight the heart of a Dickens and sot the fingers of a Hogarth itching. Among these may be mentioned one maiden lady who is eccentric to a degree. Having become what tho French would call of a certain age, her eccentricities are the more marked. Still her bosom is nob yet cold to the tender passion, and she has cast eyes of love upon a young man in town who serves behind the counter of a draper's shop. Week after week, and many times in a week, that unfortunate young man has to serve the behest of his lady love. Wearily he labours- under rolls of silks and satins and velvets, etc., etc., whila this fond creature dotes on him with loving glances. The worst of it is that she never buys anything, she never gets her invariable piece of black velvet matched, and now her appearance in the door is the signal for hearty cursing from the proprietor, giggling from the girls, blushes from the favoured youth, and repressed glee from his companions.

This eccentric individual played ib rather low on a local clergyman some time back. She sent a heartrending message to this reverend sir praying him bo come and bury her child. He not being wise in his generation and thinking all was right, went first of all to comfort the unfortunate mother, when he was taken by her into a bedroom, where cleanly and reverently laid out ready for the coffin was a dear little poodle. The clergyman wasnorrifiod and could hot under*. stand such a prank : was it a practical, joke? then it was a heartless one. The lady was not; slow with her reply, and with her eyes flowing over with tears she informed him that that was theonlychild she had, and oh! she did love it so." The dog wne subsequently buried in tho kitchen garden and a fiouibatone erected over his remains, but Zaraicl will not hazard'a speculation as to who read the burial service ; assuredly the clergyman didn't.

Thore are some persons who dreay nothing so much as having to work, and in order to evade that fate are prepared to, submit to any indignity. An instance °* this occurred recently. .For some time past free passes have been allowed on the Auckland railways to unemployed persons who wish to go into the country in search of work. This, of course, ia a boon, and one would naturally suppose that the recipients, if successful in obtaining work, would bo grateful, and, if honest, would repay the cost of fare ; bub such apparently is not the case. Although the Hospital and Charitable Aid Board have now issued some hundreds of these passes, still only 'one man had, up to a recent date, the honesty bo remit the fare. Nor is this. all. It has now transpired that some or these habitual unemployed have been making a little by getting these free passes and then selling them at reasonable rates to persons who really wished to go. up the country on their own business. By this method one travelled a little cheaper than if he bought a ticket, whilst the other obtained the price of a few glasses of beer. One gentleman has recently discovered that he was victimised by a chronic " hard up." For the last twelve months he has given this fellow odd coins. At length the notion struck him that ib would be as well to get him a free pass and pack him off tip the country. This was done, and he chuckled with satisfaction at having gob rid of the incubus. No such luck, however, awaited him, for the next week a hesitating step in the office warned him that his old friend Hard Up had arrived. Next minute the wellknown voice was heard with the old request for sixpence to get him a loaf of bread, as he was starving. This was too much for the patience of the doler. of charity, and the next instant Chronic Hard Up shot out of the office with the toe of a boot in remarkably close, proximity to the spot where it is supposed that our ancestors' caudal appendage was rubbed off as they advanced in civilisation.

If asked for acandid opinion, I should say that it ia the ladies' privilege to talk when and where they like. A wide definition, you might observe, but none bhe leas true. You know the old saw, the last two lines of which run :— For if she will, she will, you may depend on't, And if she Won't she won't, and there's an end on't. Talk they certainly will, where and when they like, so vie, the <; lords of creation," need nob argue the matter, bub grant them permission as a privilege, it saves our dignity .at least, though ib does not contribute to our comfort. Now, gentle reader, if you want to see ladies' tongues at Work as nature evidently intended them bo be, go fen a Choral Society practice. Of course fche dears go to hear tho music, bub it gives such a delightful cover for conversation, and don't their tongues just wag ! I looked in the other evening, and I must sayl wasconsiderably edified by what I saw and heard, though by no means surprised, for ray acquaintance with the. foibles of the weaker sex has been of an extended description. *#*' * * * * * * * I gave you my experiences of church the other Saturday ; now for a practice of our great musical society in their hall. "Jephtha " wus the piece under rehearsal, and as the performers are privileged I will pass them by with a brief word, I mu*b say, however, fchab there was food for

moralising even on those hijjjii benches. I will not criticise the singing—to me it was delicious, and additional enjoyment was added in a certain element of low comedy thrown in by the deep gutturals of the respected conductor when something went wrong. Every now and then the smart rap 'of his baton had to^ call th c attention of some wandering singer to his music, or order a halt for the whole chorus ; then anon his deep voice rose with a great effort to encourage the flagging toil of one side or the other. Then again he would declare that he hoped this humbug would stop, and smartly remind the altos or sopranos that there were so many shaips or flats in what they were singing. Some of them seemed to treat it as a very good joice, and I must say I enjoyed it, too.

But it is the audience you want. The evening I was there the muster was a, large one, and the-seats in the dimly-lighted hall were well filled. There was a vast preponderance of the weaker sex-, and those of the lords of creation present seemed to have a desire to keep in dark or remote corners, and to be content with earnest scrutiny of well - loved faces from afar. Here and there was a family group, the mother and two or three daughters, the former so staid, as sombre as the hall itself, while the latter seemed to say " We would if we dared." At opposite sides, and^ in deep shade, I noticed two couples. What they were saying is best known to themselves, but I don't suppose it sounded any the loss nice from being accompanied by the noble swelling strains of a glorious chorus. They were content ; their little world for the time being satisfied them, and what did it matter to anyone else ? I could see here and there a gallant cavalier who evidently had two or three of the fair sex under his escort. Sly dogs the younger generation must be; they have not deteriorated in the least, they are up to the same old pranks that " Zamiel " remembers were in vogue in hia halycon days.' Very old trick the present one. You take three ladies to a concert, or rather escort them (there is a vast difference between take and escort, as, reader, your pocket could tell), and see if you don't have a pleasant evening if the one. is there. The others are always nice, always ready to oblige, and the consequence is you are tcte-a-tele just as long as you please, and mamma discreetly has not the least suspicion. Fact!

But to continue. There was abundance of young damsels there, darasel3 between sixteen and a certain age, whose attention was anywhere but on the mu3ic. Of course there were exceptions, but being in such a manifest minority they do not count. They were all in groups, groups of twos, threes, fours, fives, and even of half-a-dozen, f and didn't they just talk ! It was chatter, chatter, gabble, gabble, ha-ha, he-he, the whole time, save when on 3 beautiful solo was being sung, when for a wonder the young ladies gave their whole undivided attention to the singer, for the sole purpose, I honestly believe, of pulling nor .'singing to pieces. Whatever they found to talk about I really cannot say. Each one had something to contribute to the general fund. A bright-eyed minx would bend over her seat towards two or three others, equally mischievous looking, and I could just catch "I say," or " Did you hear," and then together would go the heads and the usual expressions of wonder or delight, or indignation, etc., would be admirably depicted on their faces. It was as good as a play. They all seemed co good-humoured, too ; no long faces but plenty of merry ones, and they talked, oh so low. How they did it was a mystery to me, and I was momentarily expecting, during the lulls in the choruses, a repetition of the episode of the famous lady who, notallowing for a rest in a eraud chorus at a concert;, suddenly announced to the audience at the top of her voice, "Wo fried cure in butter." Luckily, nothing of the kind occurred, though' once £fc nearly oitno off, oh so near, but, fortunately for the lady in question, she had reached the climax when just warned in time, she put on t.he brake, and all the audience heard was a curious smothered sctucak.

It must do theae young ladies good to attend the practices, I am sure, because they are so fond of going, but it puzzles me how they find time bolisfcon. Perhaps they have patent doubls self-acting oars that bottle up the sweet harmonies like a phonograph and distil them forth when the ladies are alone. There is one point about them, they are keenly alive to the lights and shades of the low comedy referred to above, and however lax m. noticing the success of any piece, fail not to perceive a jumble or to mark a break-down. Some of the young ladies I saw there must have done* more whispering in those two hours Chan they did in all the rest of the week. Afterwards I noticed when I gob outside that comparatively few of the ladies of the audience went/ home in couples, that is, couples of ladies. Such an ancienb body as "Zamiel" was not worth noticing,™ safe in the shade of the trees I saw ib all. Ib for all the world reminded me of some ones familiar lines that say that "Every man shall take his own,'"' and that " Jack shall have his Jill." It was ever thus, and thus it will ever bts.