RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XIX, Issue 230, 29 September 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel.]

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash Soriie write-^Vain thought!'for needful caah, Soihe Write to please the country clasn. And raise a dm. Fob me, an aim I never fash— - ■■ -■■" ■ • I write for fun.

Tbuth is,, stranger th^n fiction,, they say; and " Zamiel *' is inclined to agree with th e diqtuin; bub it .might be improved if it were altered to read—"A good deal of what passes for truth is wildly impossible." Here! is a sample, culled almost at random, from a columu of miscellaneous paragraphs in a daily paper:—'• A New York farmer named Ladd, who has lopg been insane, was kioked on the head by a horse the pther day and knocked senseless. When he. came bo he was as sane aa anybody, but cpuld remember nething of the last'fifteen years." There's material for fiction, if y6u like—the plot of & new Arabian Nights talep-'* A'Lad4;(iii) and the Wonderful Kick I" What a valuable horse that must be, to be sure, and whab an acquisition he would be to the at the Whau 1 If ha were given a plentiful bean diet and turned Ifipse in the; qxergise yard of the Aaylum/ what a saying he woi^id effecti as every festjve kick that be gaye restored the scattered wits of the qnfortun.ate patients ! Ne^r Zealand horses have a trick of kicking people^ brains out, but this Yankee notion of getting one's scattered senses kicked into him is a decided improvement. If we had this noble beast around to give a.gentle kick to people* whoge.b low-spirited and gp infpr revplvers and "rough on rats," how many valuable iives Bilght be saved ! Even City Councilibrs would be none the worse of a kick occasionally, to make them " as sane as anybody." Trot out that horse, Brother Jonathan ; send him to Auckland and we'H | adniiihim duty freehand without quaran: i tine restrictions. There are splendid open-] ings here '"for the" exercise of his peculiar gifts. And oh ! What a pity he was nob hitched to the Golden Gharieb when so many ina^ne people wqre crowding around it?'1' ;i"-'";.'" . . ■' _ . .

Here is another of those little item 8 which suggest a great deal more than they state. This time> the phenomenal occurrence has taken plftca nearer bur own doq>:s —in'"Queensland,.'to ,wib,: The newspaper paragraphisb thus records' it:—"A Brisbane telegram sayß that a disgraceful scene is reported from Nerang, where a Scottislt individual, for a £L wager, drank 10 full nobblers'of whisky'as fast as the publican could measure them, and immediately afterwards sucked a pint of beer through' a straw. Strange to say, the man suffered no ill ejects." The queerest thing abou'b this paragraph is that little clause, *' strange to sayi'' ft'passes my comprohen|iion to understand why ib 'should be considered strange for a Scotchman to driut ten npbbiers of whisky and yet survive. Why, if ■'' £. know anything about ' the average '." Scpbtish individual," he would jitat he beginning tV feel v grand " after the tenth glass glided down hia gullet. 11l effects, indeed ! '..' vjhyeliottlii fb *>' toothful" of the .'.-'national beyemge'^urt a Scptchtoan ? Pei> haps, w& at excited the chronicler's wonder wis"'t^as,;S^"c3jrJ surviyed the, imbibing of th'e'Soqttro^'s ijeverage—beer; but it will b^ pj^erv^ t&at' the Scottisß' iridiyidual'a cau^ipi} le.d, tim to be very sparing With that iiclnk, j^iid, l^e ,tob'U itielpwiy^hrotigha straw, Lastly, as tp the " disgraceful" oh&ract,er of the proceeding, I cd,n picture Sandy'^>fe%4K amazetoenti'pri seemg1 that epithst; applied 'to the; incident, Ten gjasges ( ' p;f whisky for'"naething^'witn only a pini 'of beer as penance, and, a poiind-note in his"lpof 1" Tjie niftn ■vyhot wpflld" qaill %&i disgraceful conduct do r es noli k'npw how tp appreciate tfie bounty' of Pr^yideiicf, :t :: " ■*"■*' . ** . '•"- '♦#■' • '■'■;'<>'■ ■'■~■ .nyr* ',--.■■:. ■■ • •■ ■;.:;■■-.; •»•;,■ ■ ..■-.. - ; Yeb another' funny news par., turning, this time on thd vagaries of the huma^n conscience with !regard to..th^ question. ; pf Sabbath observance. A Southern/ paper Bays:—" At Kaia'poi, the ranger had, tptbe discßarged;vbeeause he conspientiously refused to impound cattle on .the-Sabbath day. T:rlt%aar asserted thab owners, p,| cattle took advantage of the man's .tenets; to turn, out their animals by thes^ore.";: The, f«^nny thing dbdut( this is thafe V 6. bav9 in ©P9ra' tidn & layjisfhichmalteft it' illegaVfor,ftnyi one to jiuisue his ordinary avocation pji Sunday, and yet we nnda. local body, dis- : ioisairig ii man a6lely because! bfi refused to break thei law,. Has ijpfc b|iab ?ftng§f a.gSpfl action for wrongful difmi^sal? T^mea are .bard in Gante>bwry, and Ne t w- ,Zi^ana moraliby generally ia nofe sqpptjse^ ty be; very high ; it iatheroferf a|mp^b increidibje that' a man should fo? eons^ence? sa^e.tiqrp^ > up, a good Juliet. . ' | ■ . -;■■'■' .■-;■'#%■!■":!-' :'*'*' >'■ ;■:*■•** ;-'n! -Mf'-il

Another American item may also be qudtM iti illustration of the with whictl I started tfie consideration of this matter'; 1 btife witTi .American news para> graphs it l& 'fr'equen fcly dtffidult to ■ dietin-f guish fadHrom Mcfclon. A funny ;par.'has beifti going ' thd rounds to this effeo^:— «<A' [ Wafefi wh'io& a MissouEß fdrineij ldsfi; Mst Ml, and fen?" the theft • of'which ha soagH^ to B€iti3 bfs hired man'to priflon, was found' irithe^ stomach ofone'oi his cowa which died the other day.'? ' This/f sugg6"3ta various 'reflections. The cow, r in all probability, mistbpli5 the watch for a'turnip aiidj pasadd'it bid to its double-barrelled stotnach to" clig'esfc Gld-fashioned watclies are;irefqttently ?called "■turnips," and .thfs; cow ifiay hay6-heard this "jparticalar watch so tfefgrited I to* oV ib rmay have read the touGhirig ballad' pi S'Briati O'Liiin" in which the" tile!" fetold^^ how^"that? Ifjlosian'patriot rliade a watch ironf-^ a tiurnijp. ' The coY di6d, doubtless," o£ the gnavringa of Te'nidr'Be' -and "indigestion, - caused by th'ji^tipwledge Tthal hetthoughtlesa act Httdt casfe a shade of' suflpicidnT aver ■ the bldniele'sS''charaGier.. p.f :»"Itljirea Tman;" That humble" hited individual a gHod action for damages against the farmer, or tiie^ccfcw7 oiJ^someboayv The moral pfthe edifying story is—" Hang your watch' put of &a"eh of the Covt W ThatisrtW Ipsson for fjtrmers; bijib, for cows the sol§mn in f£s ifl-^l)(}n?fc study 'literature untilt you gets 'go': shWfesigjited that you cannot distlngyljish* '«a ■ w^tph and a' turnig;" Tie general reflection is that a i^atch'pTtefe doe« litit agree"%ife the/bovine'species/ "I •:ll Yankee yarns areurireliablai no bndhas ever ventured to, breathe a against tHeJWacit^bf theiLondon Thundeferr^the journalistic Jupiter—yet that respectatble aiifh'ority lately gave cur.renGy;,to- a, wiSiiaerlul story/; This1 ia 'the /foim. inlt wKieh it f eabhes - the colony \-r\' TBq Woltferhampitoti cprrespopdetit of tihei 9Pimes V states that during a heavy thunderstormireeently, a collier named Bates, wha bad.' Ib^t his sightj .tbrqugh ?accident r , ,^^bg|}igled bbmeV itybftt a flash of. ughtnmg "waa v6gectes4 on the'sßectacl.es" fl^w"qs to conceal tfie qisfeu'remepfi.; ; Af^er t% peal; of thyjde.r which, followed^ hg, gojnpia'iMd of. a Pilßiin we. J he. n^ moment, to his fuypris'e, foH^'i|a|;|ie f§d reg'aiaejl 'Ws^fas-.sJs^s& I:W&'' This item" bears traces of having been cpncocted for the, pu^sftfe PJ 9*Wfcs M^Pry of tha eeqw&l?, .^e^.-, £qrk horae.and to,e insane fafi£or%bich I have,, quoted. .BxM j may* hay« 'been intendqd =»9,.l Pifj.l?l" ,^Hana tae Boatman," and {n prdpi* to show thattiw leHtpration of yisipn performod M thepUy & net by a»y ; raea^s! w wpp?; able 4*f "S*m" reopvered Ws sighb ©» tfafi waalti ot a modioal operation, b«t i

for speedy and effectual treatment, "that flash of Wolverhampton lightning beats; even the Golden Chariot. Vtet; I suppose the fools who '-' bosfj y mudnane affairs have placed iightning-rpds on every asylum for the ; |ilitt<f in $c wor Jd !.' ■ , , ; ; ..; -, A funny scene occurred at the Police Court one morning this week. It appears that there w.as only one solitary drunk to be dealt with, and in order to do this two iustices, the clerk of the Court, SergeanbMajor Pract, and three constables and «'Mac "were assembled with facea drawn to a becpminglength. The cage was called and a figure appeared in the dock which presented a nondescript kind of appearance. Jb wore a fore-and-afb tweed cap, and this quickly attracted the attention of the Coui4 orderly, who motioned tho guard room constable bo order the, prisoner to remove the hab in deference to the Bench. Strange to say, the prisoner looked serenely at the Bench without making any attempt to doff the covering. "Mac" looked puzzled, while the. guard-room con : stable.. smiled, just as if . everj thing was gping'pn all right,., Ab length the .cap the "eagle eye of the .clerk, who j also motioned to have it removed.. As no I notice wag taken of this also, one of the justices turned his attention to the prisoner, and after a calm survey said to "Mac "-—" Is, it a man or a yomari ?", This created a laugh"' from the. clireption Q* the dock, and it sflon became evident that "he wm a she." The fact, is, with the latest fashicn'pf cropped hair,' cub-away-jackets an^.fore^anclrafb caps, wonien only wanted j go'one ?tep further to become' '•blooming ! bloomers "in their costutneV ;■ ■. >; ~' Gisborne Mutual Improvement Society ! ha* been wrestling with the question.;— |"(Wbich is the> more useful faculty, the ! eye or the tongue ?" The pewspaper' paragraph which convoys the information does nob vouchsaftfetQ.say how the npb.le minds of. ; Poverty ; Bay settled the weighty problem; but I should think that the ] tongue would have most advocates among j the garrulous members of a talking club. But when all is said and done, and when the telephone, graphiphone, and-phono-graph have had their wonders and their uses recounted, I would give my vote for the gift of eight in preference to speech. A practical way to test the matter is for anyone to ask himself whether a blind man or a dumb one is tho more melancholy object, or which affliction he would choose for himself if one were inevitable. In any discussion of the relative merits .of eyes or tongue, I fancy the verdict of mankind would be " The eyes have it!" ;. -i •