RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XIX, Issue 218, 15 September 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By ZAmiel.]

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash, Some write—A'&in thought! for needful casn, borne write to please the country clash. ¥ And raise a din. $&' For me, an aim I never fash— ,-jSsK I write for fun. «*»■<«

More disillusion! For years the- teetotallers have been dinning it into the ears of the people that total abstinence is highly conducive to longevity, and they have so far succeeded in establishing this theory that many insurance societies, including tho New Zealand Government Office, have placed abstainers in a separate section, where they are popularly believed to pay. smaller premiums and draw larger profit 8 because of their being,, supposibiously, " better lives." But the popular error has been exposed; beer and aqua vitm hav 6 been vindicated ; and the shocking exampl 6 of Maurice Kelly, who drank copiously and lived to be 104 years old, is likely to be extensively imitated. It has been clearly shown by those smart fellows who .deal in. statistics that a liberal indulgence in spirituous refreshment not only maketh glad the heart, and maketh the face to shine, but. also maketh long in the land the lives of those who worship the rosy god. Slightly altering, the words of the American humorist/ the votaries of the "pub" can now sing—

"The Odd of Bottles be our aid. When death would rack us, -. We'll bend the bottlo to our aid, And ho will Bacchus!"

The " drinking of healths" is likely to be revived and to have a new and weighty significance attached to it, while the unfortunates who are fined at the Police Court for being drunk may console them-' selves, as they, hand over the 20a and costs, with the reflection that they will live much longer than the milk-and-wabery magistrate who read 3 them a severe moral lesson on the foolishness and criminality of drinking 1 *• * .;.■;! #■* • , *: * # * *

This is how the new evangel comes to be proclaimed: One hundred and eightyr seven'members of the British Medical Association laid their heads together and collected statistics regarding the habits;, of 4,234 person of 25 years and upwards, at whose deathbeds the medical gentlemen had presumably assisted. The results brought out were somewhat startling, as bearing on the question of the connection between total abstinence and longevity. The figures, clearly demonstrated that drunkards lived on the average' a year longer than total abstainers, free drinkers lived five years longer than drunkards," careless, drinkers" still other two, years, while moderate drinkers, or men who were temperate without being teetotal^ lived three years more than, their careless brethren,'or eleven; years longer than the total abstainer! The leading insurance organ of England accepts these figures as conclusive, and I suppose those insurance companies that have a "temperance section:" will recant and, remodel tbeir rates, iwhile teetotal advocates will require to in^ vent a new argument against accursed thing." Those 187 doctors: go further, and prove that intoxicants conduce to health, as well as to happineas and long life. Consumption, they, show, is compara-; tiyely rare, among free drinkers, arid that other terrible disease, cancer, haa less tendency to develop in those who drink than ittthbae who abstain. AWellington paperj trying .to explain away these conclusions,pruelly... suggests that: the .jqaapp .-, iqp~ iibbe higher irate of mortality among abstainers is ~ the fact that many ; of them are reformed drunkards. This argument seems to assume that the shock to their ystemSjCaußed by.the sudden and complete change .of habit, accelerates their end; bfitji evea so, this, would show that they would have been better had they' kept on drinking. " Zamiel" knows (as well as the P. Ass. could tell him) that figures cati'be rriade to prove anything; but lie confesses that his, staunch teetotal priribiples have received a severe shock by these statistics. However, if th«y emaßK a cherished idol to smithereens, these doctors rombye a standing contradiction. The axiom tHat" whom the gods Jove die young" was sadly .belied; by the' presumed longevity' of the £ood and moral meriibters of the. community. Either the insurance companies were wrong," or the celestial powers showed asM liick of discrimittatibn in cutting off the ."good young mbn who died." The gods, hovvever, havo been right'all along ; the good do die ybung, and the wicked beer-swiller flourishes like a greeii bay tree, on bay rutti and other luxuriesL

How are the mighty fallen! Auckljin" may well "lameofr in rhyme,: larrierit. in prose,, with salt tears,; trickling down her nbsej" for the glory has departed from her> arid "Ichabbd is inscribed over her gate' ways. ~'That bright arid shining light', who has hitherto been as a beacon gufding lovelorn couples into the safe haven 'of matrimony, seeriis to have been suddenly and rudely quenched.; Here is an anfaibunpement frprii,a recent isßue.of.the Stab:—•

WANTED to Let, a small Cpttoge (partly furnished), suitable for a bachelor; rpn 2sa week.-4-Hannafbrd's Agency, Queen-streett

There is but one Hannaford in Auckland —or in' the universe for thai matterii-bufc can it" be possible that the above "agency" is, identical with that of the fairiouV tfar-riage-prombter ? la there nofcgomeeunning delusionin the case,the resulb of diabolic agency ? vNo j there <it is; -in black * aiid wnffce, and the dreadful reality cannoi be explained away otherwise than bysupposing that a lamentable change has coitie o'er the spirit of Hahriaford's dream; Frooi being an advocate and promoter of married bliss; be must have become a woman-hater and a Malthu^ian, else he could never have inserted such a tempting bait for keeping men Bingle. Fancy in these hard times getting a parbly-furniahed cottage for two shillings a week ! Hannaford IvHanhaford ! Almost thou persuadest me to be a bachelor iyA Had you been still interested iii the marriage question, you would assuredly have offered this partly-furnished cottage as a strong inducement for any young couple I; who were: matrimonially inclined! bub were deficient in worldly wealth; and possessions. I hope I may p^ove to be mia> taken, and thai the Matrimonial Mill is still grinding away; buib "it likes me nob;" this pandering to bachelorhodd i j

Th 6 obituary J*oet of they Melbourne "Age" has developed a new vein. Hitherto he has been stupidly commonplace -iroisbfiki»£ bathos for pathos ; bub now He hag become ari.titicdnscious humorist of the first Water/1: Here iS a gem , from a recent iSßUe':—-'I!'* ;' ':''•'■■•/' ;'■'■_"■■'■■ v "Smith.—On——July, at —-V stre6t, A»B;j youngest daughter of X. and Z. Smith, aged 4 weeks and 2 days. ;. ? r Poor. Billy came to tell me that baby was tm- -'■ 'wellj -■-.-.-'■■ '■' - ■''■,-.'■ :■-■■■' '• ■■-■•■'■" '~,; .■ Tie suffering that poor baby went through there is no one can tell; ,• I arrived home at 7, and saw my baby dear. And that same day at haltpast 3 owe baby left . ' .'tfshwe.- ;' ■' .' , '.'. ~ ,; ..;"-. ..-;: ■ . ; ','_ inserted by X. and Z. Smith"." .., ~, , . For being an Alj patent* s dpubJeTactlonj copper-riyetod • nuisance, the, obituary poeb tak^e thecakej anS deserye?, t<S v;-be :c"!lli:''c - u'illi a solid yard of his own: poetry :i'i\k the one who can produce a speciuVM 1•' llio above has earned a xeurieve ■ '■ •> ■ !»^ which I haVe quoted would' ju-u - fuouly rounded off by come-

thihß like, the following,, from Max Adeler.: — .■:.. ■■ . " :

" No doubt she is happiorsoarinetlirmigli space,. Over there, on. the evergreen shore;, Her friends are informed-that the funeral.takes,

placel ' , , ,„ At precisely a quarter past four I *■ *■ • *• #■ * * .. • * \ *■*■■

A witness in a criminal action? tried-at the Supreme Court last week rather "astonished the natives." Judge Gillies was summing-up, in his usual deliberate way, and he mentioned evidence that had been adduced by a witness sitting; behind the reporters' box. The Judge did not " sumr marise" exactly to the witness's liking, and suddenly the witness rose to his feeb and objected bo an asserbion made by His Honor. The Court was awe-struck, and a painful suspense was relieved by the crier calling. " Silence !" with the utmost energy of which he was capable.. The- offending witness collapsed quicker even than he arose, and no further notice, was taken of the little event.. ■

The^ members of"the Hospital and Charitable Aid Board would probably object if bhey were referred' to as "gay old dogs " with thd customary accompaniment of a suggestive poke" in the vicinity of rib No. 5. Therefore I would not apply the epithet, " but there was an unreported incidents at their last meeting, 'which deserves to be recorded as a specimen of "hospitable" and "charitable" wit. There were .seventeen applicants for the position of Lady Superintendent, to fill the vacancy caused by the resignation of Miss Crisp; They came from near and from far, one application being sent from London, and they were all accompanied by testimonials. This was not sufficient for one member, who jokingly suggested that tho applicants should have been made to present themselves in person. The Board laughed "haw-haw." Another member expressed his opinion that they should have had the photos of applicants, at any rate. The Board again. indulged in laughter. A difficulty presented itself to the mind of a third member because one lady wrote herself down, as Maryland he wanted to know whether she was a missus or a miss. (Laughter.) One of the applicants regretted that she was so far away, and that this might prejudice her chances of obtainingthe appointment. She thought that if she could have been present she would have been able to clear away any doubts that existed in the minds of the Board. Members were plunged into wonderment as to what the lady actually meant,,, but the mystery was cleared when it was stiggested that, possibly the applicant was good-16oking r This sally was received with numerous marks of appreciation. After some £urtber badinage tney got through the list arid selected six names to be referred to a committee. I haye not heard what transpired in committee, but there's immense fun to be gob out of a dozen or so applications for a{ public offiie from as many ladies. If you doh'fc believe it, ask any member of the Finance- Committee of the City Council. They recently had to choose a young lady caretaker for the Art Gallery from sixty applicants.

" Behold how great a matter a'small fire kindleth !" The apostle, when he penned these words, must have been casting his prophetic eye over the future, so'to speak, and thinking of what was to transpire in the, city of Auckland in this annus mirabilia tBSQ. Certwnly there has been a tremendous fuss raised here during the past few weeks by two small fire-kindlers; lam told there was quite an exciting scene on Monday last, when the Taihoa fireHgh'tef tindertboJi; to enuff but the Magtptic, but did not quite come off with flying colours. " Zamiel" has ri6-deeire: t6 sit in judgment upbn the rival patents* lest haply he should fan into a fiercer flame the animosity that rages in the bosoms of the patentees; but he canriot help thinking that the challenger was a little rash, since he ought> to have known that a cocci-man would excel at the firelighting business.; : Another reflection that occurs to' me is that people at a distance, and who are hostile to. the colony, will be apt to draw unflattering conclusions from the fire;lighting'zeal displayed'by the Aucklanders;: Will; thay nob say that bur love of incendiarism and arson.is such that' inventors ara struggling for the honour of supplying us with ready, means of causing conflagratibna? And will they not aseociate with this propensity that luminous suggestion of a City Councillor that the Firei Brigade should be paid by results? It would: be wellif our. inventors would turn their energies to the invention of fireextinguishing appliances, if they hare any respect for the good name of the colony. Even Mr Aldis's patent fire escape may be looked upon as offering an incentive to .arson by providing the fire-raiser with, the means of escaping after the flames have ; got a sufficient hold to destroy all traces of his crime. Comeon, Messieurs! No more competition in the kerosene flare-up business, but invent an ipparatua for detecting arsob, saving 'property and convicting incendiarists—do this and yours; shall be a weight of glory and bard cash such aa fire-lighters can never beStOW.- 'f? ■;■ ;ii •':;'; •■ -. ■■ : ■:■.' ■