RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVIII, Issue 148, 25 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[BY ZAMIEL.]

gome write, a neighbour's name to lash. Some write—vain thought—for needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, "' And raise a dm.

For me an aim I never fash—

I write lor fun,

"H/P^h the close of this week we may hope fiO get clear of the Jubilee craze, and it will doubtless be with a profound sense of relief that most people will welcome the return to everyday things and common-sense nomenclature—when,men will sanely settle down to duty instead of rushing about and jubilating, and when a spade will once more be called a,spade, and not a " Jubilee agricultural implement.'1 Beforo bidding farewell to the subject I would offer a remark or two.' To my mind, the torchlight proqesBipns on Tuesday night were the grandest feature of the rejoicings, and after them (a ■long way) came the illuminations. Tho latter were only partly successful, some of the artists having palpably had no experience at that kind of work ; indeed, one of the gentlemen of the' brush exposed his confusion on the subject of anatomy and native manners by painting a stalwart Maori standing cross-legged, and with his two big toes together ! Maoris in general are: not in the habit of throwing themselves into that dignified cross-legged attitude; •but'perhaps when their feet are peculiarly ' constructed'they can't help it—being like Pooh Bah, "born that way." Tho news ■from Wanganui tho morning after tho Jubilee holiday, to the effect that Mount Ruapehu, so long an extinct volcano, was having a vigorous "blow-out"on its own ■ account, was rather alarming, but the outbreak has proved not to be very serious after all 'In point of fact, the mountain was, like the great British public, simply letting off a little loyal steam, or perhaps was expressing active sympathy with the brother mountain Tongariro, made over to the colony i by the Maori owners, as a Jubilee gift, lor a public domain. ' .

■■' i More serious by far than the outbreak of 3 Euapehu is the eruption of Jubilee odes, poems, and songs that has taken place all over the colony. One hundred and eleven New Zealand poets thought themselves i capable of carrying off the prize in Welling- •. . ton, arid in.additibn to that bright galaxy, every township in-the colony produced a >. Jubilee poet with a spick-and-span odo 'i which had to be recited or sung, and published for the benefit of the admiring - i public. ; At a' moderate calculation, New t. Zealand has produced at least five hun- .'• ;dred Jubilee poems. That would give us d one poet to every thousand of the European . population, and as rhyming is a very infec- .•. tious disorder, .the whole of the peoplo are -. in danger of >" .'breaking out." Mi1 J. A. , froude,' who is blamed with injuring the I colony's credit, is, I fear, also responsible v for this deplorable poetic eruption. The J author of '•' Oceana " declares in that work s, that .the great English poet of the future O! tvill probably be born and nurtured on the ,c s'junexhausted soil and spiritual capabilierliiflß of New Zealand," and the great man's c .dictum appears to have already produced oi&uife' Everybody knows that the poet is l ■.'*/ born," but the idea that " unexhausted

-. 'Bpir" is necessary to his nourishment is .quite anew one. Leaving others to follow i out that train of thought, I would simply * iremark.upon the-hapiiy conduction of Poesy '; and Poverty hinted at by Mr Froude in t .his, remarks on New Zealand. Poets are ' 'triotoriously impecunious; so is New Zea--rU&i";'2rff6, thSlafcter has within her the .'■:*■' spiritual capabilities " necessary for the !. production ; oi.a host of poets. Or (lest I ~ jpayhbe ! .qonfQ«oding,causd'anS effect),' take, it fclje other way: r-^Jroyorty is the nurse of ;=, Jthg .jKJets; ; L wbo ;',' learn in suffering what iiftey sing an song;" New Zealand is der j)lorably ; popr; ergo, she produces a plend [tepus crop of poets. My private impress -.^ionij^jthatj)9 ,per. cent, of the New Zea-

v ,jiand) : ba.r l ds would be better employed if . ihej,\yould let the "spiritual capabilities " , jseverejy alone, and turn their attention "|and their spades) tp the .".unexhausted «oil"—in other wordsj, get out of debt and on to a special settlement farm !

Yejs; ..the Jubilee is over, and a jolly, , 'good' job, 0 too ; but the country will now go madion politics, and for three months to come the colony will be involved in the £.-rsiu3noil "of ■ electioneering, with the inevit■i'.able flow, of balderdash and blarney. But - : . ,the army of self-seekers there will be '' pop a.few h'onesb men with the interests of v the' Jcioiony at heartj with 'a real desire to f. serve- her/ and with a policy that will be t [ .accepjiable.. to the people at large. Sir Geo. • , Grey has sounded hjß .trumpet challenge " that' \viir soon ring from end to end of the : colony, and he will in a few weeks face the .: Premier' on his own ground at Dunedin, and I venture to say will shatter the r jLyceum idol badly. Very soon, too, will • the scramble for Auckland city seats begin, |/jai}d.Twqijld predict that never before in, * the political history oftlje colony has there " fceen such a''\i-edistribution of seats" as r spijl take place at the ensuing election. election has been considered a , yejy-lntjeresting problem since Mr Dargayille fixed upon the seatashisown in prospec- , J '•, Mr Alderton, a Whangarei man, is '..also!id 'the' field for it; but the Political Quidnunc will have it that Mr Reader Wppd is '";the man for Marsden." _■ ~• aili •"* * * * * * * * *

; .limade light of that statement when I <,fu"st heard it a fortnight ago; but lean , ccc :; that the Whangarei paper gives the istraigji 1- tip for Mr Reader Wood. O.ver . the leader is au adverfciaeinent "Wanted, , a.fit and,proper person to represent Mars,,den in the tenth: Parliament of New Zealand," and,; the leading article proceeds to . .extol ~the gtatesmanship; of Mr Reader Wood. The intention is obvious; but the I *. 1 Advocate " in its special pleading makes ~ $good point in Mi" Wood's favour by quot- ; ing the ; following from an anti-Vogel speech which that gentleman deliverer 1 several j years ago from his place in Parliament on r.the subject of borrowing. This extract .jghqws the man for Marsden in the character pi a seer^r-a prophet who had no credit at -.that time, • but who is certain to be ..eagerlyi welcomed in these days when retrenchment and cessation of borrowing are Vtfye.watchwords. A portion of his address jjs.-rwqr.th giving. He said : " Sir, there are members of this House, and I am one of ihem, who would scorn to ait upon sofas and .'.chairs that were not .paid for out,of their E pw ( n pockets—who would sit on a deal bench jit a deal feeble, paid for, fifty times sooner ; than sit on .couches and;feed off damask ob- , r fcained by/m^ans of borrowed money. And yet, ,sir, here, i the representatives of the ;, people^ the representatives of a 'great -nation/ are sitting on these wretched .things, .and know- that the whole is -paid ,for, by other ; people's money.■. The in which we seat ourselves.- this ..tawdry mixture of the styles of a church -and a Jt dancing, saloon—is'paid for out of -pther ..people's money. The ministerial .are paid for and mended, and patched out of other people's money. In 'fact, travelling expenses are paid out of r ,otlier, people's money.,. There is no fund- set "/oj", ; th.e replacing ;of '.these wooden structures, varying in value from fifty •jgouu^s; ,tg :tljbu§auds of. pounds^ and as, juijf^o^rge .of .time,,- tliey.'must fast decay ■ away, from what gepurce are they ever to he •.'replaced?. ¥ou will have, to go and borrow $Lgain !" .The ■ occasion is: said to produce the man. jsho.uld think that," the man for j^arsden,"and others who think like him, will now," take occasion by.the hand " and get a ljf&jntotposition oncd-m0re.. ,'..": ■ •; vJ

Ett*r?he apostles of Jfo Borrpwing _ must not stop short at a condemnation of Vogeiism ; they must be prepared with •some scheme of raising revenue in an equitable manner,, and so as npt to :burden unduly colonial industries and.colqmsts themselves. Direct .taxation will be unpopular ; but to my mind that must be the .mebhod.adoptea of raising revenue and teaching colonists? practical.ecpnoiny; and believing so 1 would offer the 'Non-Borrowists a few^ints as to methods of "raising the wind." Thejsystem of taxation is said to have been invented by the Romans, and among the earliest taxes, is that mentioned in the New Testament when there went forth a decree from-Oajsar that all the world should bo taxed. i,ne> Anglo-Saxon lias earned the art of taxation to perfection; but they made many ludicrous mistakes, as, for instance, the window tax and the proposed tax .on matches-both imposts on .illumination quite out of accord with Jubilee ideas. From 1695 to 1707 a "birth tax was levied ; for the birth of every child to plobeian parents a tax of 2s had to be paid, and tho rate increased with the rank ol tjlio parents until it got to be as high as £.W for the birth of a Duke's child. That tax would be a good idea in New Zealand, where the birth rate is alarmingly high, but the "progressive" feature of the tax leading to the " bursting up " of the aristocracy would be unpopular here, where dukes are hold in such high estimation. Another idea might be borrowed from the present Russian Minister of Finance. Russia is about as hopelessly in debt as New Zealand, and the Czar's financial wizard " has hit upon tho brilliant plan of putting a tax on all hens'and ducks eggs placed on the market. The Russians believe in protection, and tho Minister, therefore, professing that his object in imposing the tax is to encourage tho breeding of poultry, andexempfcs the first twenty eggs from taxation. This tax is expected to yield ten millions of roubles per annum, reckoning two hundred millions of fowls to produce each twenty eggs per annum ; but if the hens and <lucks go on strike the Minister will have to go on a now " lay," in which case he may tax turkeys' eggs, or more probably annex Turkey herself ! A combination of the egg and birth taxes may be best for New Zealand — a stiff poll-tax on all now arrivals in the colony from parts unknown—the object being twofold, viz,, to raise revenue and to "protect" colonists from the competition of cheap labour. I commend these suggestions to Sir Julius Vogel's successor, whoever he may be !

Among local Jubilee observances that of the Auckland Burns Club was perhaps the most notable, as being incongruous. Burns was no admirer of Royalty, and ho would not have had much sympathy with tho Jubilee nonsense and "gush1 that have been so freely flowing of late. In his "Dream," written in 17SG, ho writoa :—

For me, boforo a monarch's face, Even there I winna flatter; For neither pension, post or place Am 1 your humble debtor, and when, later in life, the bard accepted a paltry place in tho Civil Service, ho gave great offence by hi 3 outspokenness. Apropos, the Dunedin Scots appear to have made a happy choice of situation for tho Burns statue, and one which is beautifully typical of the " harum-scarum ram-stam boy." Burns was a convivialist, and as I showed in a former issue, his antipathy to the " kirk" has descended in undiminished force to his posterity. The eternal fitness of the statue's attitude will be best provedbyquotingthe following conversation which is said to have been heard in Princesstreet, Dunedin, the other day : " What d'ye think o' the Statue?" "It's gran' ; the attitude i 3 like real life." "How d'ye fliak' that oot?" "Dinna ye see he has his back to tho kirk, and his faoo to the pnhliprhoose ?" The Auckland Burns Club, however, is conducted on strictly teetotal as well as fervidly loyal lines; and the members may fairly claim that thoy express their admiration only for what is admirable in the great poet's character and genius, and cast the friendly mantle of oblivion on those traits which aro considered uncouth or disreputable.

This does not suit the local industry people, and they offer £100 down for the use of the book for an hour; £100 down, if he will let a membor of tho firm hold it, and turn his head away for half an hour. Thoy tell him to leave the book on a shelf and return in an hour and-he will find £100 inside it, the whence of which he need not know. The honest man will not be tempted, so " bounce "is next tried. The derelict late partner of this English firm is found out, gum-digging or something of the kind, and a lawyer is employed to make out a power of attorney, giving the Auckland firm tho right to the book. The honest hash-house man, like Ajax, defies the lightning, and so the thing remains. I would hope that virtue in this case will be rewarded by the Home firm, to whom a letter is travelling by the last mail.

I would remark upon a curious historic parallel which struck me the other day when reading the fortieth chapter of Genesis. That portion of Scripture deals with the fortunes of King Pharaoh's butler and baker, as all my readers are of course aware. I read in the second verse of the chapter that the King " was wroth against two of his officers"—the chief butler and baker respectively ; but the nature of their offence is not disclosed. Similarly an august royal personage of the present day was wroth with two officers—Col. Baker and General Butler respectively. Like Pharaoh's officers, these gentlemen were sent to Coventry; but though they had no guileless Joseph to read their dream's, they somehow got the same treatment meted out to them as their early Egyptian prototypes. The ancient narrative reads that Pharaoh " restored the Chief Butler into his butlership again, but he hanged the Chief Baker." In like manner I see it recorded that General Butler has lately been made the recipient of a decoration at the hands of his sovereign, while Col. Baker still languishes in a cruel exile '-along with the barbarous Turk." That -" history repeats itself " is a trite saying; but it is not often that there is such a curious para] lei between the Kingdom of Egypt 3500 years ago and the England o£ to-day.