Wit and Humour.

Auckland Star, Volume XVII, Issue 43, 20 February 1886, Page 5

Wit and Humour.

A lawtee has the following tacked on his door . " Those who call on business will please make it brief."

"At the party last rt'ght I noticed you were a little too much like the toasts." " Why, how were the toaßts?" "They were drunk !" .

French wit—la a Police court—" What are your means of existence?" demands tho Justice of a tramp who had been brought before Mm. "A vory good stomach,"

When the clergyman remarked that there would be a nave in the church tho society was building, an old lady whispered that she knew the party to whom he referred.

■' What is tho difference," says a French _aper, " between a gentleman and a valet ?" ' Solely this, that whereas they both smoke ihe same cigars, only one of the two pays or them." ~ There Li a grimneaa iin French satire. It 8 related that, not long afte!:. the late election in France, a workman in a wineshop oared, "No more Emperors! No more Princes 1 Hang all sovereigns 1 The people ire sovereign now !" " All right: hang ;hem, too," quietly remarked a Conserva;ive who was standing by. Barry Sullivan, the Iri.h tragedian, was .laying " Richard III" some yearn ago at Shrewsbury, in England. When the actor ;ame to the line, " A horse, a horse, my lingdomforahorse.!" some one in the pit jailed out, "Wouldn't an ass do you, Mr Sullivan?" "Yea," responded the tragedian, turning quickly on the interrupter, "please oome round to the stage door." ' Mr Fauxpas (to young lady) -Ah, Mies Charmante, I have just como from the side of Mrs Smith, who has been asking me about the beautiful young girl at the flower table. MissC. (appearing to busy herself in • arranging some flowers)-Have you never known how I detest flattery ? Mr F. (who thinks he may have blundered)—Oh, but really, you know, it is dark over where sho is Bitting. One can hardly see you. A timid young man has married a lady whose weight verges close _pon 200 pounds. "My dear," he Bays to her, "shall I help you over the fence?" "No," says efco to _im,"help the fence." It was a spinster who wrote, "It takes i very superior woman to be an old maid." Definitions by a French Post-office clerk: __ married woman is a letter which has ■cached its address. A young girl is a letter which has not yet been posted. An old naid is a lettor forgotten at the posU res\ante. Mallon Zidore, the doyen of tho guild of ;he cigar-stump collectors, who recently lied in Paris, uttered a wise and beautiful laying when asked if he was contented with lis lot. "Yes," he replied, "enough,to ove life 1 but not enough to dread death." Said William to Martha—" But you must | I'omember, my dear, that my taste is better than youre." Said Martha to William— " Undoubtedly, when we come to remember that you married me and I married yon." And William said not a word, but seemed to be thinking. At the spectacular play: Young lady (from out of town)— Why, auntie, just look I Let', go homo 1 Annie (with decision)— No j we have paid our money, and will have to stay and seethe whole diagusting thing through. Brown—What an interesting man Mr Black is I He has boon telling me about, real ostato. He evidently knows all about it. Fogg (glancing at Blank's untidy nails)— Yes, he seems to have the whole subject at his finger's ends, Ono of tho witnesses in the cisc, when asked a quostion whether the man was not drunk,'eaid he could not fell whether a man was drunk or not. '. HO could not toll whether he was drunk' bimßelf unless he fell down and could not get up. Bagley—l cannot buy this cookbook; It is not practical enough. Agent -Not practical ? No, sir. I observe that it gives no less than sixteen different ways to cook a beeftßeak. A very good feature. I don't agree with you. I would much prefer one way to get a beefsteak. New Yorker (to a Boston young woman) - Shall we have the bobtail car. Miss PeneIopo? Miss Penelope—What is a bobtail ear, Mr Smith? One drawn by a single horse and without a conductor. Don t you have them in Boston ? Oh, yes, but we call them Darwinian ears. | Tho Birmingham "Medical Review' tells of an old Highlander who was ordered by his doctor not to exceed two ounces of spirits daily. He at> ked his son how much that was. " Sixteen drams," was the reply. " What a guld doctor," said the Highlander. " Run and tell Donald MeTavieh and Big John the cam doon the nieht," " I was surprised to see you come out of a saloon with that disreputable old tramp, Colonel. Did you invite him to drink ?" "No, certainly not," replied the Colonel, straightening up ; " but I felt sorry for the poor old chap, and when he asked me to take something I hadn't the heart to refuse." _._.-.'. One rainy day last week Kosciußko Murphy, being in a hurry to get home, took a street car. There waa a crack in the roof of the car, through which tho rain fell and ran down the back of his neck, so he asked the urbane conductor : " What's the matter with this car ? Does it do this way always J" " No, sir; only when it ralnß."' Customer—Why, hang it, man ! You'ro wiping off my plate iv^h your handkerchief. New waiter-That's all right. I'm going to put it in the wash next week, anyhow. Mrs Fizzlotop has been making an earnest offort to havo her son Johnny taught to play on the piano. A few days ago Mrs Fizzletop called up stair. : "' Why ain't you practising your piece, Johnny ?" " I am." "You are not. You haven't touched the piano ip the last half hour." "I've been practising all the same. There are pauses i in this march, and I am practising them • over and over until I know them perfect. n ) "Look oi*, John, what yon're doing, ) shouted Mrs Crimsonbeak. aa her husband t was about to take a eeat in a largo Uirtst. - mas mince pie which bad been left n a dm- ■ ing room c_air to cool " f ell,' . added r Johnny, after the excitement had subsided, ■ " it wouldn't be the first time father had ' gone back'on your mince pies,"