RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 247, 24 October 1885, Page 4

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel,]

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash, Some write—vain thought—for necdtul cash, Some writo to plcaso the country clash, And raise a din. For me an aim I never fash— I write for fun.

What a sordid ago ia this in tvhich we live, and how mean and unhoroic must men and actions of tho prc'ent day appear when judged by the future historian! It is long since the humorist could with truth aay that " Matrimony had become a matter-o'-money;" but now it would seem as if every phase of human activity had sunk to the same level, and the sole standard by which every thing and person ia judged is that of £.s.d. To go no further in the meantime, let us glance at the field of politics. (No, dear reader; I am not goingto enlarge upon tho mercenary M.H.R., with his keen scent for the honorarium, a chairmanship salary, or a little axe-grinding job ! I might vory justifiably have had a fling at those patriots, and by the way might have remarked upon the tendency towards "payment of members" which ia being shown in New _outh Wales, South Australia, and even in pure England; but I aimat a higher flight). In international aflairs, it is getting quite fashionable to settle disputes not by the " arbitrament of the sword." but by the modiumship of money-bags, and in the words of Tennyson— "The jiogllnß of tho guinea helps the hurt that honour feels, And the nations do but murmur, snarling at each other's heels." Plutus, the blind god whom the ancients represented as seated in the lap of Peace, is nowadays arrayed on the side of Mars, and it is the "almighty dollar," and not the God of Battles, that in these degenerate days determines the issue. In this way war will shortly revolve iteelf into a gigantic game at " bluff," and the side that can back its opinion with the largest bank balance will achieve a bloodless victory. For oxample, England lately defeated the Russians in Central Asia.just as effectively as if a stubborn and prolonged war had taken placo, by tho sheer weight of her money-bags. Everybody knows that thebankrupt condition of Russia alone prevented her from playing at hazard for the prize of India, while the big English war vote, and the imaianse expenditure at once ordered on armaments, cruisers, &c, assured ns the conqueror's laurels without a blow being struck. International Courts of Arbitration settle weighty matters of national honour and interests by the pecuinary standards, in the same way as the law courts fix the money value of " blasted hopes" and "blighted affections." So the world is turned into a vast marketplace, where

" Will, Conscience, Honour, Honesty, And things of that description," are barg»!i:oi for, bartered, bought and sold, like the merest chattels.

To come nearer our own affairs, just sao how the pecuniary principle is being applied in the case of the dispute between New Zealand and Germany for the possession of Samoa. Little did I think, when last week I twitted our Cabinet upon the evaporation of their heroic and adventurous designs on these islands, that they had condescended to business negotiation and were entertaining an offer by Germany to sell out her interests in Samoa for the sum of £250,000 or thereabouts. Yet to this pass have they come, and should a second Hinemoa expedition be started, the steamer will not be manned by a bellicose Colonial Secretary and a guard of Armed Constabulary, but by a mercenary Colonial Treasurer, armed with ready money. I don't suppose the proposed payment is meant to buy our. the German business houses, but simply to extinguish the political claims of Germany —Prince Bismarck agreeing to withdraw all the pretensions of the Kaiser, while we, in return, give the commercial houses full protection and clear titles to their large tracts of land. A little bird has whispered that the commercial interests of Germany would not be hard to buy out, as the Teutonic firms are making nothing but heavy loaaes in their South Sea business, because of expensive management and other causes. If the British flag is ence hoisted in Samoa, the trade will follow it as a matter of course, and New Zealand is bound to exercise commercial as well as political sway over these rich and populous islands. I now begin to see the reason why our Auckland merchants have been slow to form a South Sea Trading Company. In thorough accord with the commercial instincts of the age, they have been waiting for the consummation of this little bargain with Germany, and when that is carried through, I have no doubt they will sail in bald-headed, and secure the large and lucrative trade of Samoa and adjacent island groups ! Qui vivra verra.

Ignoring the prurient details connected with " The Maiden Tribute of Modern Babylon," lot us turn, dear reader, to the consideration of a question of greater importance to New Zealand, viz., the supply of domestic'"slaveys." Bridget, Jemima, and Betsy Jane still reign supreme in this downtrodden land, and the oppressed colonial housewife groans under a burden from which she cannot eßcapo. Meanwhile, there are thousands of young and middleaged women in the United Kingdom who ore anxious to find new spheres of activity, and would gladly come to New Zealand but for the heavy passage money. Our Government have voted £30,000 for immigration purposes, and yet it seems that no part of that can be devoted to the carriage hither of the " maiden tribute " which the Old World is so eager to send us. Another pressing want of the color-y'is Cheap agricultural labourers, and of these England has a plethora who would be overjoyed to exchange the semi-starvation of the old country for the rough plenty of this new land; yet those £30,000 cannot be employed in fetching out such desirable colonists. It is, forsooth, only for the •'nominated" class of immigrants -that favoured circle who happen to have friends in New Zeandland. Thiß is not as it shouldbe, and I would hope that a more rational method of immigration expenditure will be devised. Mr Ballance.who is Immigration Minister, is a'Rationalist; may we hope to Bee reason ruling his actions ? If so, then the vox populi will coincide with what the wise man assures us is the view of the vox dei— approval of " a just balance !"

I see that in hia recent - -wonderful manifesto, the Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone is reported to have declared himself opposed to the principle of free education. Now, I have in general a profound admiration for the "grand old man," but stilll am Radical enough to believe it to be the duty of the State to attend to the education of youth, and I am therefore curious to learn what are Mr Gladstone's grounds for decrying free education. Still, if a reason wero wanted for proceeding with caution in the matter, it would be found in the working of the free education system of this colony ; and the grounds of objection might bluntly be stated thus—That the people were not yet ripe for such a blessing, since here they signally failed to understand what is meant by education, or to secure its advantages on a purely democratic basis. In New Zealand, our educational system has degenerated, so far as the teachers are concerned, into a gigantic system of "cram," and so far as the people are concerned, into the craving for "learning" which is often worse than useless. Added to this is the gigantic evil of endowing secondary schools and university colleges, which, while professing to be availablo to all, aro in reality meant only for the children of the wealthy and leisured classes, who wish to be fitted for entering certain " professions." It is no part of the State's duty to assist people to acquire technical knowledge any more than to supply them with bread. The State fulfils its functions when it secures the necessary conditions for every member of the community living and enjoying the fruits of his or her labours. It seems to me that elementary education is necessary to people, in order to give them the conditions required for making a fair start in the race for competence and happiness, and it is even more valuable thau repressive laws in maintaining order and diminishing crime. Technical and "college education are on quite a different footing; they deserve every encouragement at the hands of the Government, but they should not be subsidised by the general community for the benefit of a few.

It has been well remarked (by some acute newspaper man, I suppose) that the man who would take half a column to give himself a " puff " in the local page can be wonderfully brief and explicit when it comes to writing advertisements at 6d per lino. This brevity is sometimes the cause of unconscious humour. For instance, in a recent issue of the Stak I noticed the following :— "To Let, a five-roomed house, &c.; could be turned into a shop; also a strong, active lad." Whether tho house could be turned into a strong, active lad, or

whether the strong lad was to let along with the houee, puzzled Mrs Zamiel, who referred tho enigma to me. As I never was a good hand at conundrums, I pass it on to the reader, who will probably in turn cry Transeat!

Mr T. B. Hannaford has taken to himself tho description I gave last week of a certain vendor of an infallible remedy for doafness, who was deaf as a door-nail. lam sorry indeed that Mr Hannaford should bo so inflicted, moro grieved to learn that his case is hopeless, despite the "infallible" remedy, and moßt pained of all to be accused of " assassination of a reprehensible type," by holding him up as an object of derision. I plead not guilty, and my readers boing the jury, I confidently ask for acquittal on tho grounds that I novor mentioned Mr Hannaford, and therefore neither ridiculed nor assassinated him. Howovor, as ho deems that a slight has boon cast on tho deafness cure of Drs. Pritchard and Harvey, I am happy to explain that old age is the solo reason why itis not efficacious in tho case of T.B.H. I supposo he ia getting "upwards;" it is many years sinco ho described himself as "an elderly individual;" and when a man or woman owns to the soft impoachmont of age it is generally true. My apologies to the great l-ngliah doctors and this free advertisement should purge me of tho crime I have committed.

It is well that porsons, and especially widows, haviug rooms to lot for single gentlemen, should know that thore is a man now in this city, of middle age, respectable appearance, fair complexion, and sandy whiskers, representing himsolf as a tradesman seeking apartments. Ho carries no written testimonials in his favour, but speaks in mellow tones of his wealthy friends in Englnnd, from whom he roceivos occasional remittances. A fortnight ago this plausible, professed pietist induced tho occupier of a pleasant side-street house eastward of Ponsonby Road to admit him as a single lodger. The follow had been attracted to tho houso—liko " Pickwick " — by tho ticket in the window, and thought, porhaps, of small comforts—"chops and tomato sauce." The rent and date of ontranco were" agreed upon, and this " very respectable " lodger was ciuu-m'uuj until payday camo round, and then ho openly avowed the startling fact that he was out of funds. Tho lady waa naturally irate, but tho gentleman told her to "be aisy," and in tho most delicate way he proposed marriage, which would, ho considered, be tho most agreeable method of squaring accounts. The lady was shocked at her debtor's proposal, and catching up tho carpet broom, cried out, " You scoundrel, get out of my house," and broke the haudlo of the broom over the suitor's back. She furnished a constable with a description of the impostor, but the officer told her to be- calm and get a new broom, adding insult to injury by tolling her to " grin and bear her loss liko a Christian." The gentlemanly lodger has since tried the same game on in Franklin Road, but unsuccessfully, for, in the words of the distinguished Jordan, it "won't wash."

A gentleman of a mechanical turn of mind who resided in the Ponsonby district, but of whom I have heard nothing of late, had a very pleasant dream, and fancied he could realise it in tho form of a bird, by which means heavy bodies could fly through the air. The invention* waa a flying machine, and it may be (as I have heard nothing since of the clever inventor) that he has taken to himself wings and flown away. Many similar dreams have proved failures, like Cooking's parachute. It needs no mathematician to show that if a man is ever to fly he must not attempt to imitate directly the action of a bird. As artificial appendages —as Mr has shown—are absolutely necessary, it is obviously in man's power so to choose tho arrangement and adaptation of these appendages that in ÜBing them his limbs will work in the manner which best suits them. In upward and downward action man's arm is weak, as any one will find who tries to beat tho air by such action for only a few minutes. It is clear that the mere flapping of wings attached to tho arm will not possibly avail to enable man to fly, however ingeniously those wings may be devised. On the other hand, the pulling power af the human arm is considerable, and such an action as that used in rowing can be maintained for hours without exhausting tho frame. If the pulline power of the arms and legs can be so applied to ingeniously arranged mechanism as to work wings more or less resembling those of a bird, there is little reason for doubting man's power of sustaining himself in the air, and singing in a similar strain to that of Pope, "I mount, I fly."