Mr and Mrs Spoopendyke at Niagara.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 5477, 7 February 1885, Page 3

Mr and Mrs Spoopendyke at Niagara.

The doings of Mr and Mrs Spoopendyke at Niagara are told aa follows:—" Oh I'1 squeaked Mrs Spoopendyke, hysterically, as sho gazod on tho Falls with one eye, and furtively throw tho other around on other women to see if they wore bettor dressed than she was, " isn't this wonderful ? Bay, my dear, shouldn't you think that little island would be afraid over there alono by itself X" " It's safer there than it would be ashore," muttered Mr Spoopendyko, dropping a highly-wrought bead bag in his effort to jam v pair of mocassins that wern't mates into his pocket. "If that island is in any way hard up and smart, it'll stay where it is and hold on to what it's got. I cay, what are you going to do \i itli these shoos if over you get 'em homo I" ho continue J, as the larger one hitched up and dropped to tho ground. "Don't lose it!" exclaimed Mrs fcspoopendyke anxiously, "I'm going to hang them up in tho parlour." "If tho man who sold them was any way reasonable in his charges, I'd like to hire him to get into 'em about thetimo tho hanging cornea off!" growled Mr Spuopendyko. " Look here ! Have you any lixed* idea of the distance you expect me to In.'this shinny old stick? Got any accurate notion of tho labour involved in hauling this thing around?" "Thata an Indian war club," protested Mrs bpoopendyko. " I want that, and you mustn t loso it for anything." " From my experience around here I don't s'poso I could loso it for nothing," grunted Mr Spoopendyke. " But what I want to know," ho continued, i settling one end of the club to his hip pocket, and trying to conceal the other under his coat, " is when the measly thing is calculated to bo on a peaceful footing. Here I In what portion of my habilliments am I expected to secrete this cemetery? Whore does this rapidly-grow-ing-in-popularity graveyard go?" ''Oh, my! It's a work-basket," chirruped Mrs Spoopendvko "You must carry that in your hand or you'll break it. Say, dear," and she took his arm and crept more closely to him, "Don't you enjoy it? Isn't that awful fall of terrible water just too lovely ? VV hat makes it fall down like that] "I dont know," retorted Mr Spoopendyke, oyeing tho scene with a scowl, and dropping an armful of stereoscopic vifcWS. I suppose it falls like that because it can t runup .If you could get into tho confidence of the thing I presume it would refer you to tho theory ot gravitation, and that it would turn you over to the doctrine of pressure. By that time we wouldn't hare money to get home with. Say, do you really think you're going to need this gunboat for anything to which you can give a definite description ? 'On, mylittufcanoe," cried Mr. Spoopendyke, " I'm going to hang that on the chandelier with pretty ribbons." ".That will provide a groat deal of entertainment," snorted Mr Spoopendyke, hunching the canoe into his armpit so as to get a bettor grip on the keel " But my judgment»that this selfacting chunk of aboriginal transportation m going to need Beseemer steel chains to ho d it I oan understand how a savage could sail in tho thing, but what I want to know now is the combination by which ho stopped it when he got ready to . Hold on ! Catch hold of that junk if you calculate to save it. Shove it under my arm, will ye ? No, tie up the other end bo that I can get a purchase. Idon'tknow, though," muttered Mr Spoopendyke gutturally; "aman can twant much help to find a purchase around here,"and ho glared about him, and then stooped over to pick up a tomahawk and a pipe " We've got lots of nice thinga to remind us of Niagara, haven't we, dear! . smiled Mrs Spoopendyke, encouragingly. " But I want to get a few little trinkets for the ladies in the church. Only little ones, you know." "Yes, I know," grinned Mr Spoopendyke. "They will have to be littlei for I have only got my ears left to Btow them in. Go and buy them. Don't hesitate on my account. These women expect it, and they're going to have it. All I want now is a war-trail and a consignment of belated Government rations to look like a meaely reservation ! Bring on the consignment. Disinfect the goods and file the invoices on the back of my neck. If you meet a man with a lumber yard on his shoulder and a. hammer m his fist, get him to build a wing and a loft, and then go ahead with your Niagara Falls. Whoop ! There goes more prehistoric civilisation. Can't you reach down and hand mo those Bpears and that left-handed scythe with a wart on its spine? Now just run 'em through my suspenders behind, and tie that war bonnet around my neck. " What's that in your mouth, dear? inquired Mrs Spoopendyke, solicitously. A flint arrow-head," growled Mr Spoopendyke vindictively; "and it'll take a dentist to get itout. Then he'll go blowing about that he's found an Aztec battlefield, and they'll fence my jaw in and charge admission. Let it alone, will you ? I paid three dollars for it, and I am going to chaw on it while it lasts. Seen enough of this ? Want to stand around here any longer watching that thing i squirt V " It's so lovely!" murmured Mrs Spoopendyke, turning again to the Palls, " Oh, my dear, think of a man going over these Falls," and Mrs Spoopendyke shuddered. "He wouldn't be any more of an ass than a man who pays a dollar to go under 'em," argued Mr Spoopondyke,_ who still retained a lively recollection of his experionco on the American side. "If I ever come here again, and if God gives me my health I won't, I think I will try to go over the Falls, provided thero is a chance of dropping on the Esquimaux who poured mo into a bathing suit, with a hole under each arm and a slit up the back. Say_, my dear, suppose we give this fatigue uniform with bad smell to some worthy charity I" "That's my squaw's dress," faltered Mrs Spoopondyke, " and I would not take any- i thing for it." " I wish the man I bought it oS had felt that way," groaned Mr Spoopendyke. "Just pull it through the back strap of my trousers, will you, and tie those knock-kneed garters around my waist. Look out for the battle-axe 1 I want that myself to open oysters with. Where's the shoe that belonged to the game-legged warrior 7 Here's one, where's the other?" Mrs Spoopendyke found it in his hat, and then announced her readiness to tako in the rest of the show. " There's a man down there that's got a whirlpool," exclaimed Mr Spoopendyke, experiencing Borne difficulty in getting undorweigh with his trophies. " I don't know whether he is in the habit of exhibiting it to band waggons, but if ho is, and don't insist on having me buy it, we'll take a look at it. Come along." "Is that the suspension bridge!" asked Mrs Spoopendyke, as they drove past it. "Yes, wasn't it?" demanded her husband. "Though I don't know why thoy should call it' suspension,' when ovorything else around hero^ appears to bo in active financial operation."