RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 4419, 12 July 1884, Page 4

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamikl.]

#.iini- write a neighbour's namo to lash, i no wiitc-viUnthouKhtl-fornoodfulcash, Some wriiu to plea3e the country clash. And raiße a din. For mo, an aim I never fash— I write for fun.

The political campaign is proceeding merrily, and tho light promises to bo both keen and enjoyable. There is to be a contest in all the city and suburban constituencies, with the oxception of City East. By general consent it is understood that Sir George Groy's valuable services should bo retained to tho country so long as ho is willing to give them ; his political opponents have been the most willing to concedo that much ; and there was true chivalric instinct in tho manner in which the Knight of the Kowau declined to encourage opposition to Major Atkinson for the Egmont seat. Withal, however, it is becoming evident that Sir George will mt on this occasion go down as the leader of a powerful party; but no one doubts that he will still be a central figure in the politics of the country, and a great factor for good in the legislation of tho future, as hs has been in the past. Despite his almost comical appeal to the electors not to send him to Wellington " with hia tail between his legs," I don't think he has any cause to fear being ever placed in such a humiliating position, for reasons set forth in tho an-

nexed verses on

POLITICAL EVOLUTION.

Timo was. says Science, when primeval man, Rudo and unclothed, in savage woodlandß ran Or In the "upper branches" gaily swung. Or by prehensile tail, head-downward hung.

TMs lattor prank h j thought ho didn't orter funtuo, so stopped it. and his tail grow shorter; Then he took to sitting; on a stump or roll, Till by dogroes ho rubbed away hia tail.

How swift thoprogress v.-hen one downhill goes! Our primal man next took to wearing clothes— By shaving, smoking, drinking, Bwearing, preaching, Hia now degraded, lost condition reaching!

Even so of olden time our " grand old man " With frowsy " tail" to tho wooden building ran; In happy pride his "tail" ho freely swung; It was so weak, by it he never hung.

The " tall" rescntod the neglect thus shown it. And then the old man took to " sitting on it;" Shorter it grow—a " tag-rag bobtail," say— Till by degrees it was quite rubbed away.

Although thotail is gone, for good or ill. Our " U rand Old Man" is powerful with us still To Parliament we'll send him without fail— A t ull-dovcloped man, without the " tail."

ÜBt to his accents, as he meekly begs— "iton't Bend mo with my tail between my logs! Art-end, electors, to his piteous call, Aid send him down, but with no " tail at all!

Ob. ye " whipped Bounds!" 'tis meet that you should whine With tails between your legs, as I opine; liut your great leaders should be men. I say. Whose caudal parts have been quite rubbod away!

Tho political meetings have given us lots o' fun during the past week, but Sir George Grey's meeting in the Theatre Royal carries o.T the stakes. From my point of observation in the gallery, I noticed Mr Dargaviila's beaming countenance immediately behind t le grand old man, and hear! his unmistakable voice echoing through the building in laud " hear, hears." But there was a sudden cessation in these marks of approbation; the g.o.m. had failed to charm; the only visible partofthememberfor Auckland West was the bright and shiny top of his bowed head. Wherefore this collapse ? Was it sudden illness, or the g.o.m.'s denunciations of illegal gum leases and the woes of diggers c-jmjjeheJ to buystore3atextravagant prices. How wonderfully liberal nnd enthusiastic we all aro ; how we do like to drive the prod into other people's ribg; and how we squirm, and wriggle, and protest when it comes unywherc near our own.

It id things like these that make the pathway of the reformer a hard one to tiavel. Imagine a man who, after sincere and prayerful reflection, had come to the conviction that corns were an evidence of great youthful depravity, and that it was hia duty, as a deterrent against the immorality of tight boots, to tread upon every well-developed corn he might come across in his rambles. No doubt it would be lively for the possessors of these relics ot early vanity, but I guess the apostle of the new dispensation would have his troubles too. Depend upon it every man has bis favourite corn. I remember oao very ardont admirer of theg.o.m., who was lost to the good cause solely because of an attack upon his own little vineyard. He was a partisan of the "neck or nothing" sort; no ring fences round any man's lands —no privileged classes—a clear pathway for the triumphant march of the people ! But b ;hold a roice went forth, " What have we "■ ore? are not the lawyers fenced in with pivilegc? Have they not hedged themselves round with State protection? And have they not used their position to lay upon the people burdens grievous to be borne ?" Now, that young man wna a lawyer, and he waxed wroth. He bogan to perceive that these levelling tendonoies were very dangerous toawellordored society. AH other special privileges were desperately wicked, but this one had so much in its favour; it was not a protection to the trade by which they were enabled to pocket large fees, but a needed act of paternal care for the poor people who employed lawyers. He promoted petitions against so dangerous an innovation, but tho fiat had gone forth, and tho wall which had been set up was broken down. And yet the world moved on. Now, I have no doubt this young man was thoroughly sincere in Ms belief that to break into the little garden where he grew his own favourite cabbages was very wrong. Wnall do think so when our premises are invaded.

Take that unearned increment for example, en which we have all set our hearts. What a wicked thing it is for John Smith who has bought a piece of land for £1 a foot and sold it for £5, to pocket £4 without working for it. It is just as clear as AB C that the increased price of land is because more people want it; because the growth of population has given it value, and John Smith is a very wicked monopolist trading upon the necessities of the community. But supposing instead of John Smith, •'Zamiel" bos made a lucky little spec, and finds people thrusting £5 upon him for what cost him only £1. And " Zamiel "says: "My dear people, I don't want your £5 ; I bought that piece of land to build my homely cot upon, and rear np one useful and industrious family." But the tax-gatherer comes along with a piece of paper in his hand, and says : " Wretched man have not you been offered ±'5 a foot'for that land ?" "I have." "And gayest thou not only £1 a foot for ft?"' "Trrie thou art." "Then be good enough to hand me over the £4 of ' unearned increment' of which you have wrongfully despoiled the community." Theu would " Zaniiel" call down maledictions on •'• the lie>tdr< of the rulers," and declaie that the " unearned increment" was an unmitigated fraud; that whereas he had bought anothor pieco of land for £5 a foot, and couldn't got £3 for it, and no one would reimburso'Shim for the uncollectable loss ; and " Zamiol" would cross over from the band of patriots and club the first man who broached the topio of land reform.

X X * : A correspondent sends me the fallowing "Dear 'Zamiel,'—Those who habitually look at the Star would perhaps like to have its powerful rays concentrated through your influence on to a small spot for a moment. The spot in question is that of women occupying the chair at public meetings. I don't mean that you should "show up" anyone in particular, because that might hurt tbe feelings of someone. Suppoee, that you were to walk down Queen-street attired in a paper collar and a pair of spars, with Mrs Z on your arm attired in a parasol and a pair of gloves, the proceedin" would suggest other thoughts than simply that the pair of you had dressed yourselves" airily ; and when a woman places herself in unusual and unnecessary positions, it produces other thoughts in the .minds of most people than the mere question whether the thing is good or wicked. Do you think, dear 'Zamiel,' that there are people in this world who aro quite without the sense of discerning what is appropriate and ■win' ia inappropriate? And on the other hand do you not think that in this respect some people are perfectly senseless, no matter how rational they may be in other respects ? •Lord Lytton Bulwer, in toe of his novels, refers to the sense of discerning between what is appropriate and what is inappropriate, and he.illustrates what he means by supposing that a beautiful statue of a man baa been executed in marble, and in place ■pi carving the hair out of the marble in the ordinary way, a wig of human hair was subSt"utedi and Lord Lytton submits—and

probably with justice—thatthero aro pooplo in the world so utterly void of a capacity to discern between what is appropriate and what is not that they would regard thi3 wig arrangement as an improvement, and if they had the power, would dosocrate all the beautiful sculptures in tho world with wigs."

My correspondent seems to bo one of thoso good old-fashioned folk who beliovo that woman has a higlior mission than the regeneration of the world by stump oratory. I agree with him ; and if some of thoso old women of the male sex who mako themselves ridiculous under the delusion that they havo a mission to fulfil would only stay at home and mind the baby, how very much more pleasant a world this would bo to hvo in ! 1 disapprovo in tolo, however, of my correspondent's illustrations. Picture "Zamiel" walking down Queen-strcot dressed in a paper collar and pair of spurs with Mrs Zatniol But this is really too shocking ; I fear my correspondent is a dreadfully naughty man.

Why cannot pooplo who advertise in the papers be plain and spocific in their statements ! Some of course are, like the merchant who announced in the evening paper the short and touching appeal, " Wanted, a boy," and who, on opening his'door next morning, found his straightforward announcement answered by the spectacle of a tine healthy baby boy in a basket, with a label attached bearing the legend, '' Hero he is !" But everybody is not so prcciso, and sorious misunderstanding is often the consequence. Thus everyone knows how Hannaford wa3 besieged for gold watches lately by Auckland " slaveys," all through a loosely - worded advertisement which he inserted in tho Stak, and how ho narrowly escaped prosecution at tho hands of an irato gentleman who championod tho cause of his servant girl. A more amusing instance of the effects of careless advertising was afforded tho other day in Melbourne. A photographer of that city, in announcing tho various merits of his establishment, included thisstron^rocommendation— "Xo extra charge for children." Those acquainted with the ways of photographers might understand from this that children's portraits would be takon at the samo rate as thoeo of adults, but could tho general public bo blamed for concluding that this particular artist meant to "take" tho juvenile population gratis? Among the customers attracted by this advertisement was a lady from tho country accompanied by six "olive-branches." After the lady had been photographed, tho artist smilingly asked—" Want tho dear little ones taken ?" and on the lady assenting, he suggested, with a view to a big order, that they do each taken separately. Things went on swimmingly ; tho delighted artist took two "instantaneous" negatives of each child, and the mother thought with fond anticipation of the wonderful bargain she was getting. When it came to paying the deposit, however, and the aitist disclosed that ho expected Ss (id. per dozen to be deposited for each child as well as the lady herself, tho rage of the customor knew no bounds. She gave the photographer a sound rating for his "swindling" tricks, vowediieshould not have H penny of hers, and departed. As for the disappointed artist, he wishes, as he looks sadly at thoso useless ''plates," that he had spent another sixpenco in making his advertisement more plain and specilic.

Ardent Liberals regard with apprehensive dread the near approach of that timo when, in the ordinary course of nature, the sceptre of leadership shall drop from the nerveless hands of Sir George .Grey, and his eloquent tongue become mute for ever. Hitherto they have looked -in vain for a worthy and probable successor. There are plenty of aspirants to the position, but either thty come badly accredited r,v else huve impressed their unfitness upon tho public mind by reason of their action? in tho past. Richard Feltus has withdrawn from "tho madding crowd's ignoble strife" to sylvan retreats, abandoning altogether the politics which never buttered his bread. W. G. — I beg pardon—Mr William George Garrard, like the immortal Barkis, "is willin'" enough, but the ungrateful generation whom ho serves seek to consign him to that "boundless contiguity of shade", from which through life he has over been trying to escape. Pntrick tho Silent might coyly accept, but is never likely to be offered the chance. Owen Curran McGee can bo depended on for an avalanche of words whenever needed, but he has too long hidden his light under a bushel. John Abbott, while nominally intoxicated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, has now surrendered his colossal intellect to the overwhelming tide of anguish resulting from the death ot his beloved Cardinal.

Let me not, however, pursue the wearisome enumeration further, for thero is joyful news behind. When the critical moment comes the fitting man will be there too. He has already appeared, announced himself, and now peacefully awaits tho popular summons to his brilliant mission. In fine, Mr Frederick Le Jeune, whilom leader of the Temperance Drum and Fife Band, and present proprietor of the Excelsior Hall in upper Pitt-street, is tho coming man. At Mr Peacock's election meeting on Monday night he made his dibiit, and caused a profound sensation by the disclosure of his high and authoritative credentials. With leonine vigour he bounded lightly upon the platform, fixed the audience with hi 3 "glittering eye," and then, amid a hushed awe, inquired in thundering tones if anyone knew why he was there. Even the ever-ready hoodlums did not know, and therefore Mr Le Jeune proceeded to answer the conundrum himself. He said that he stood there in obedience to the parting wish of two great and representative Liberals whom all revered, viz., the late Mr W. C. Wilson and the late Mr Archibald Campbell. They had .said to him, "Jeune, fight for the down-trodden people," and he was resolved to do so. With that lack of verbal precision which is so characteristic of genius, Mr Le Jeune did not explain whether or not this was a recent communication from the spirit world, or merely a testamentary injunction which he had hitherto left in abeyance. At any rate, the high warranty of his r6le cannot be disputed, and the world of Liberalism is at his feot. The New Zealand Mahdi has dropped upon the scene, and is buckling on his armour for the political fray. Let the people prepare with welcome acclamations to receive him. He comes in lowly guise, 'tis true, but his credentials are irrefragable. The loworing clouds of misfortune break, and through the rift the dazzling sunshine shines out once more. Hoop la !

A dapper little curly-headed hawker of jewellery has frequently been seen in the streets of the suburbs of this city during the past month. This active-footed Ipedlar with a sharp nose, twinkling black eyes, and unmistakable cast of countenance, was well-known at Greymouth, where ho left his wife and Moses, his idolised son, said to be the image of his dad. But Louis and the wife of his bosom did not agree, and as Hebecca kept the home together by her own exertions.and Louis ate the broad of idleness, she appealed to the law and obtained a protection order, and, with this precious document, eolo charge of weo Moses. To the credit of this itinerant wanderer on the world's wide waste, the truth must be told, he was passionately fond of darling Moses, and equally dtvoted to tho ] efc shrimp was Rebecca. Tho lady went out one evening to visit a friend at Greymouth, leaving little Moses to tho care of a neighbour". Louis passed by in the interim, and observed sportive Moses playing in front of the cottage. _ He rushed forward, caught the boy in his arms, embracing it in tenderest parental fashion, while Moses cri'd out rejoicingly, "My dada." The pedlar took hia passage by steamer to Auckland, and on arriving in this favoured city, purchased a handsome suit for Moses, and placed him undor tho care of a respectable person at Ponsonby, agreeing at the same time to pay forfood, lodging, and whatever else he'mightrequire. The mother of the child, as may be imagined, was highly inconsed at the conduct of her husband, and as soon as possible she followed in quest of her lost child. After hunting about the city for a fortnight, the nearly distracted mother, by the aid of the detectives, discovered her child at his temporary home not far from the Oddfellows' Hall. Little Moses immediately recognised one of his fond parents, clapped his tiny hand?, anil scouted, "My mamma." She squared pecuniary differences, and as there was no doubting the evidence of Moses, the child wus restored to its mother, who exclaimed, "I don't care for Lou'. I have the trump card." The pedlar has pasaed to the Bay of Islands to pursue his adopted avocation, while Moses and his mamma are on their way to Greymouth. Louis is expected back by the next steamer from the Bay to meet disappointment and little Moses.

The following communication, which I received during the week, explains itself :— To 'Zamiel,'of the Evening Star. In last Saturday's issue of the Evknihg Stab I observed amongst your " Random Shots ' a paragraph relating to a singular case of baffled medical skill, which had been cured by the use of herbal remedies, and which, as

you may be assured, has been commented upon in many circles. On Monday last I had occasion to mako some purchases at Messrs Neil and Clifford's, and in conversation with Mr Clifford he told me that it was ho who had administered the herbal remedy in the case to which you alluded, telling me at tho samo time the name of his patient, and also what ho had administered. I had no reason to doubt tho accuracy of his statement, and in all probability would have forgotten all about it had it not happened that on Tuesday (tho following day) a hawker of medicines callod upon a friend of mine for tho purpose of soiling his drugs i.e., "herbal remedies." He spoke of the wonderful euro.to which you alluded, and stated that tho cure was accomplished by Professor Ellis, of Upper Queen-streot, whose concoctions he was vending, and further to promote tho sale of a certain ointment he was then offering, he said that that was somo of tho very ointment with which the Professor had cured tho lady's faco. His story was listened to, and I have no doubt believed, and I have no doubt but what it aided the sale of his herbal remedies. And if his statemont bo true, it is quite right and proper, but if he is a fraud, and claims another man's skill as that of the Professor's, it is quite timo that ho was shown up; and on tho contrary then the other claimant of honours should he exposed. Nothing can bo meaner than to take upon onc'3 self tho credit duo to another. Such persons are frauds in tho strongest souse of tho word, and have no right by illicit means to secure the confidence of the public.—Chas. K. Jkffs, Onehunga, July 2nd, ISS-i." Mr Clifford also writes claiming the credit of tho euro, and as impostors appear to bo in tho field making capital out of my previous " shot," I very willingly admit that Neil and Clifford are the successful herbalists to whom reference was made by mo. The husband of the lady whose case was mentioned ascribed tlio cute to them.

Ominous whispers have reached my ears of curtain queer carryings-on, which uru calculated, if true, to rollcct discredit u|kiii our volunteor force. It is asserted that the officers and men of one company are accustomed, after the arduous weekly drill exercise to retiro to a sideroom, where they aic supposed to sit gambling until the small hours of the morning. I would not have referred to this scandal wore it not foi tho additional chargo that unsophisticated youths are allowed into this WoHealey-street Monaco, and led to risk money which they never possessed, their ruin beini; ultimately involved. Perhaps the charges arc not justified by facts, but if they arc.it is surely the duty of tho authorities, in whoso (-are t'.ie drill - shed is vested, to put a stop to tho scindal. Tho case of ono young man, whoso widowed mother is in Moro distress at tho manner in which her son is being led astray, i-> specially referred to in the accusations.