RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXIII, Issue 4292, 23 February 1884, Page 5 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zajsiel.]

tSenie write,« neighbour's name to lash, Some write—vain theaiKht!—for needful cash, Some wrltflto please the country clash. And raise «. din. For me, *a aim I Mver fash— • , I write for fun.

It he who is known to New Zealand and to Fame as " the gallant Major" wishes to maintain that character for valour which he gained in liie Taranaki war, he must adopt other tactics than he has hitherto pursued with reference to the subject of Australasian Federation. From the first he has with the matter, and though taking it up with a show of zeal, is now ready to drop it like a hot potato, or at any rate to blow it cool with the breath of indifference. The only responsible representative of New Zealand at the Federation Conference, he has evaded every challenge and invitation to explain his views on the subject to the people of the colony. He stands as a " still strong man in a blatant land," maintaining on this important topic a golden silence more eloquent than his most silvery speech could be. This week a report came from Wellington that the redoubtable Premier had resolved on " stumping " the country with a Federation speech ; but the rumour was speedily contradicted, and it ruay safely be concluded that he has put his warlike instincts in his pucket,and means to shirk the conflict which any utterance of his would be sure to provoke. This attitude is not at all creditable to our " statesman - warrior " — our "man of amplest influence." who shines, as the Iron Duke did, as much in the national councils as in the national soldiering. To carry out the parallel, however, it may be that the Major—

Foremost captain of his time. Is rich in saving common sense, And, as the greatest only are, In his simplicity sublime!"

It is unfortunate that his "saving common sense" should take the form of vulgar poltroonery —no less reprehensible thai cowardice on the field of battle,'if it is not something worse, a mercenary fear of losing the perquisites of office; and it is to be deplored that his sublimity of character has not taken some other shape than that of a simple faith in the gullibility of the people and their representatives. His creed, I fear, is that of the Vicar of Bray; his •whole idea of politics is summed up in the three words, "place, power, and pelf." As for the public, I fancy they will be " sublime in their simplicity" if they fail to take note of these things, and to mete out his deserts to the Major. Certain am T that his shuffling now will not avail when the time comes—as come it must—for him to give to Parliament an account of the proceedings of tho Conference, and its recommendations. Wily though he be, I shall be very greatly surprised if all his saving common sense is sufficient to avert a signal defeat of the Go.-eminent, and an appeal to the ballot boxes, on the subject of Federation, which is the question of the day. XXX For the last few weeks Boniface has been on his good behaviour. Mournful processions of young children laden with kits strongly suggestive of Sunday beer have turned reluctantly away during the Sabbath dinner hour from the public-house doors at which they had knocked unavailingly for admission. Small knots of old customers have held indignation meetings round the pubs. at which their usual supplies were abruptly cut off, and nocturnal promenaders have been deprived of the tipple upon which they calculated so regularly. But this is by no means all that the public-house constituents have had to endure. There has been a remarkable disposition to close punctually at the prescribed hours. The cosy card-par-ties behind the closed shutters have been ruthlessly interdicted, and late wayfarers have been surprised to miss the well-known click of the billiard balls and the unmistakable rattle of the dice that were wont to betoken the activity which pervaded the seemingly proper houses of drink in the " wee sma' hours ayont the twal'." Boniface has been alive to the signs of the times, and shrewdly read the portents of a crucial struggle.

A resident in a remote portion of the P^nsonby Ward had sorrowful experience on Sunday night last of the change that had suddenly taken place in the timehonoured condition of things. His wife was seriously ill, and clapping on his hat and coat, he hastily betookhimself to one of thelocalhorelsforalittlemedicinal brandy. The landlord, however, after admitting him under a strong protest, was shocked at the bare idea that drink could be purchased on a Sunday night at his sober house, and was deaf to all prayers and entreaties that were made to move his inexorable resolu. tion. The host of the other hotel, to whom application was next made, was actually . horror-stricken at the audacity of people who fancied that they could induce him to contravene the provisions' of a righteous Act. At the Freeman's Bay hostelries the same rebuff was encountered, and the disappointed Benedict, had eventually to wander into town, and perambulate many of its thoroughfares before he could manage to get his bottle' replenished. He returned at length to his distant home a sadder, and a wiser man. I wdiild, therefore, advise those who make a. therapeutic use of stimulants to lay in their medicines overnight, for while Boniface is oppressed with a sense of dangers to come, he will, without doubt, be obdurate. The public have made the law, and they must abide by it. '.•'■'' ;.'''' '" '■'X X X ' It was Hood, the prince of punsters, who condemned the vice he indulged in by ad- . vising parents— Never let your children go Unpunished for a pun! ■. , It: would, I fear, spoil the rod to use if on every occasion that an innocent pun was perpetrated by youngsters or by " children of a larger growth." The opera of "La Mascotte," performed this week in Abbott's Opera House, fairly bristles with puns ; and these irresistibly funny comedians, Messrs Wallace and Kelly, throw in a sprinkling of new local witticisms with telling effect. One joke which was tried fell rather flat on its first production on Monday night, i Duke Laurent, bewailing his ill-luck, strikes an attitude and cries in melordramatic tones— " Romeo, . Borneo, i wherefore art , thou Borneo?"—adding with a droll grimace— L Under the Greenwood tree!—Shakspere !'*

This was rather neat; bat the audience, instead of exploding with laughter, looked quite shocked, and as far as possible from being tickled by the funny combination of quotations. The allusion was unmistakably to Miss Mariebel Greenwood's impersonation of Juliet—even the densest Scotchman present could " see" the joke ; but a feeling, as if ifc were sacrilege to make fun of Auckland's popular debutante, seemed to possess every one, and the " good thing" was received in solemn silence." There was perhaps just a soupcon. of bad taste in the witticism, and it testifies to a keen sense of fitness on the part of the audience that they' so readily perceived this, and acted upon their perception. This pun brought itß own punishment ; but in revenge some of the most atrocious puns that were ever perpetrated by mortal man excited uproarious laughter. ' I have formerly hazarded the opinion that there was a touch of I'amour propre in Auckland's applause of Miss Greenwood, and this little incident supports my view. If Wallace "turns round three times," however, no* evil effects will follow his unlucky slip, for the worshippers of Juliet are none the less lovers of genuine fun when indulged in with no intention of wounding.

Mr Swangon, M.H.R., could give some interesting reminiscences of the troubles of a man burdened with the care of £2,000 worth of gold. The member for Newton wont to California on the great rush; but he never reached the diggings, finding a much safer and equally lucrative gold mine in caulking the decks of snips which had been deserted by their crews and left exposed to a semi-tropical sun in San Francisco harbour. When this mine was worked out, he went on to Honolulu, and having a shrewd head on his shoulders, he succeeded in adding considerably to his store, some of his best ventures consisting in the purchase and stripping of old vessels. He turned a large portion of his very substantial gains into English money at Honolulu, and was able to change a good deal more of the Chilian coins into sovereigns at Sydney, but on arrival in Auckland he still found himself the possessor of 500 double American eagles (worth about £4 each), which he could not get changed except at a heavy discount. Mr Swanson quotes it as a striking illustration of how little a working man ordinarily knows of mercantile transactions, that although there was, even at that time, a branch of the Union Bank in Auckland, and several substantial merchants, with all of whom he was doing business, and who would willingly have taken care of the precious store, it never occurred to him to deposit it with any of them. He made the money up into a belt, which passed over his shoulders and buckled round his waist, getting the weight very evenly poised. And now his troubles began. He nad in his emyluv a•• ' -c —— — *'— c«**t Barrier Island getting out timber. Some of them were old lags, who would probably have cut his throat for a very much smaller sum. Of course, he only carried the money on his person when moving from one spot to another, and the discovery and change of hiding-places in which to deposit it secretly was a source of fearful anxiety.

Once he hid the treasure in a rotten tree, and was kept in a state of constant perturbation lest someone should cut the tree down for firewood. He never felt so secure as when he got it stowed away in the bottom of a big barrel of salt pork, from which the men helped themselves unsuspectingly. When carrying the treasure about, the risks of discovery were a source of extreme disquiet. He was often engaged rafting, and sometimes when boating encountered severe weather ; he could not take the steer oar for fear of being jerked overboard, when his burden woula have sunk him like a stone. More than once he had to loosen the belt surreptitiously, with the intention of ridding himself of it if the boat should capsize or swamp. Then being a good oarsman, any excuse for not giving a hand was liable to arouse suspicions, or provoke chaff and some '' horse play " that was dangerous ; and when rowing, the hard metal chafed his skin. One stormy day, in crossing from the North Shore with a raft, his loins were cut into withes of raw flesh. Another source of trouble was a practice common among the men of one member of a boats crew jumping into the water and carrying the others ashore. This was attended with many risks, the danger of the coins being felt being pretty equal whether carrying others or being carried. On one of these occasions the bearer of Mr Swanson and his £2,000 remarked that for a little fellow he was about the heaviest man he had ever carried. This was the only thing approaching a hint of anything out of the common that ever occurred. The coins were gradually disposed of to outgoing ships and travellers, the last being taken by Messrs Henderson and Macfarlane, who were sending to Chili for a cargo of flour, and the harrassed owner was never more thankful in his life than when he got rid of his troublesome treasure. In the light ef these days he cannot help feeling amused at the supreme folly of the whole proceedings. After allowing for the rate of exchange at first demanded, he might, by putting the money out at interest (then fifteen and seventeen per cent, in Auckland), have been hundreds in pocket; and ■ even in choosing to keep it the selfinflicted tortures of finding a place of safety might have been spared had he possessed, only a smattering of his subsequent mercantile knowledge.

Several amusing incidents came out in; connection'with the inquiry info the origin, of the last Mount Eden Koad fire. One of the jurors is a thorough believer in that outspokenness which calls a spade a spade, and nothing but a! spade ; but his anti-mincing disposition jarred slightly on the feelings of several of the other jufore. In questioning: Mrs Jones, he:asked : "Doyou mean to tell us, a body of intelligent gentlemen, that you, the mistress of the house, didn't know ; what furniture you had, what time you went to bed, and that your furniture and stock were insured 1" &c. He then added : "I, for one, do not believe it; and I think it would be • better for you to be more candid." No remark was made by the other gentlemen to this bit of combined unbelief and advice; but when a detective asked the lady witness what she 'would say if told that her husband had made a contradictory statement to hers—would she call it a " lie ? "—he Vas at once called to account by a juror, and at the suggestion of the tioroner the words " erroneous statement" were substituted. ■ There would thus appear to be a' good deal more in a name than the hackneyed phrase will allow.

I am in receipt of the following:—" Dear

Zamiel: Please try and get the enclosed letter printed in your columns. —I am, &c, ." The name is here appended in confidence. The enclosure runs : Dear "Zamiel" you gave your readers a fine sermon last Saturday I hardy think that you ought to come this sort of thing under the hading of " Random Shots " one hardly expects to find long theological quotations under the heading of "Random Shots "it looks like an incroachment on your part: under such a heading one looks forcurtand whitty things about everything and everybody but not for lectures sermons or essayes. Please give us a " Random Shot" about the " New Church " that is advertised in the Star every Saturday as holding services in the dining rooms in Queen Street. Should any of your readers find the other systems- of theology inadiquit to their wants ; or should they find the Rationalist's bosh of no theology oppressively empty they will probably find that the teachings of the " New Church " will supply their wants. — Yours truly A "New Church Man. '

I presume my correspondent tenders the foregoing as a specimen of the " whitty " things he wishes to see in these columns. Without being hypercritical, I venture to suggest that the wittiness would not suffer by a little closer attention to the English and the orthography. Not that a knowledge of spelling is indispensable to the achievement 01 great things; Mohammed could neither read nor write, yet he founded a religion which numbers more than a hundred millions of faithful adherents. Personally I have known many men of infinite wit and strong common sense who were wholly illiterate. It is hardly a proof of either wit or common sense, however, to preface a request for a notice of one relitrious communion by condemning a reference to another. However, it is not improbable that my correspondent may fairly plead that apology for fools—the possession of excellent intentions—and I am willing to overlook his rather clumsy method of presenting a petition. Of the Swedenborgian congregation meeting at Robson's dining-rooms I know very little, but such knowledge as I possess of the New Church beliefs and system convinces me that the communion embodies an earnest striving after what Carlyle terms " the soul of things," and a practical effort to express spiritual beliefs in good works. Where these aspirations exist—the elevation of the spiritual over the material and sensual—impulses for good must be awakened into life ; and, therefore, without endorsing "New Churchman's" standards of m ittiness, I feel no compunction in agreeing with him heartily in the opinion that there is incomparably more of essential and soul-moving good—much more that is worthy of thoughtful study—in the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg than of Ingersoll and his brother apostles.

The M.irnt f or sensation is v<w threat in Ike minds 01 n. ■n.,|,,,jf!j' I*i. • In some persons, indeed, this thirst is accompanied by the objectionable feature of a low estimate of human life and property. At a fire one occasionally hears such expressions as, " Isn't it a grind sight ?" "Proper flare-up, eh*'" in wJ&ich cases the conflagration appears to be such a treat that the trouble of th^i-unfortunates is altogether overlooked -m,! treated very lightly. That this is ' urv, l( pint animating newspaper correspon jeau. ;enerally is not true; but it is stiim> suggestive to read such brief state^j^as this in connection with an acciavux: "Only three persons (women) were burned to death !" Why, are not three persons enough to be burned at one time, or is the correspondent who penned the words a veritable womanhater —one who would like to see the race of fair beings annihilated? I protest against this destructive sentiment. Perhaps (happy thought!) the correspondent intended to convey the meaning that the accident was so severe that many more deaths were anticipated. Indeed, now that I come to reflect on the matter, the conviction is complete within me that such was the case. At any rate, to follow the precedent given in our law courts, hois entitled to the benefit of the doubt.

Shooting at a runaway sailor is rather a novel occurrence, so that an incident of this character which I am assured took place here very recently is worthy of notice. An English ship was lying at anchor in the stream during the night, when one of her crew, having resolved to desert, took to the water and swam off in the direction of North Shore. When he was a short distance from the vessel the chief officer discovered that the man was miesing,and upon looking around, observed him striking out vigorously for the shore. Without hesitatation he picked up a pistol and deliberately fired after the runaway. Two shots dropped ahead of him, but failed to turn him back. He was speedily out of range, and succeeded in reaching terra firma. The action of the chief officer was no doubt with the view of frightening the sailor into returning, but yet it was a rather dangerous proceeding, and by no means commendable.

When it was stated a few weeks ago that a young man named Morgan had committed suicide because of jealousy, many people said, " Dear me, how absurd !" and yet such cases are by no means singular. A single copy of a New York paper now in mypossession contains no less than six instances. One man named John Hurley, after living 65 years and accumulating property, hanged himself because his i family -would not live and sleep in one room. This .appears the height of absurdity, and yet the other cases are almost equally peculiar. A youth named Thomas [Irvine drowned himself in a well because his little sister would not quit her place and attend: school with him, while two sixteen-year-old lovers at Texas tied themselves together and plunged into a river because their parents objected [to the match. Another person named Frank Ayner blew out his brains because he had the rheumatism, and a bellringer for auctions took arsenic because he was suffering greatly from a lame leg. The last instance is one in which a man went to his barn and hanged himself because his son married a servant employed in the family. What an opportunity to eclipse the '• jealousy and measles " verdict of a recent local jury ! XXX The Temperance cause in New Zealand has made great progress of late years. The working men of the colony have reached that stage of intelligence when they refuse 'to be humbugged by the satire of the enemies of prohibition, which declaims against those who try "to rob a poor man of his beer." Local Option has passed into law, and through its operation public feeling on the liquor trade is making its. influence known. Of old it was considered an

effective and unanswerable argument against the Permissive Bill to say that its principles were summed up in the distich—

To permit me to prevent you From having a glass of beer."

Men have come to see that what is asked is not that one man should hare power to regulate the diet of another, but that the sober men in the community should have power to protect themselves from the offensive presence and intolerable crimes of one or two drunken reprobates. The full power to regulate the drink traffic has, in New Zealand, passed into the hands of the people ; and the best answer to those who assert that the British working man has an equal attachment for " his beer and his Bible" is to be found in the fact that the plain result of this acquisition of power has been the restriction of the number of licenses and of the privileges enjoyed by the holders of such. In the old country the people still lie under the heavy incubus of a rotten licensing system, in which a body of men— often pecuniarily interested in public-houses —settles how many licenses shall be granted in a district, while a hard-.ind fast statutory enactment fixes the hours of traffic. The public, for «horn the "publicshouses are supposed to exist, are nearly quite ignored in all matters connected with the traffic, though lately as a great concession they got the power to elect licensing benches in lieu of the former j system of J.P.s sitting in that capacity. Here, on the contrary, the " public have the power of regulating the conduct of their drinking shops —a privilege which, once having enjoyed, they will never part with.

The deep interest manifested in the polling on Tuesday last for the Licensing Committees in the city and neighbourhood proved how the people appreciate this power of control which they have secured to themselves. Ido not imagine for a moment that the votes recorded for the Temperance candidates were all polled by total abstainers. Beyond a doubt they embraced many people who, like " Zamiel," can enjoy a social glass or a " little wine for their stomach's sake." The Blue Ribbonites, justly no doubt, claim the result as a decisive victory for their principles, and some of them have quite lost their heads over the triumph. On Tuesday night, a very worthy member of the Temperance party who was " born to be a man," but is likely to " die a grocer," might have been seen embracing a lamp post (not exactly in the style of a drunkard, since he was up at the cross-bar) as he readout to an assembled crowd, over and over again, the result of the polling. At the Catholic Institute in Wellington - street, I am told, the Temperance advocates of the South Ward indulged in most intemperate demonstrations of joy over the victory. They shouted, danced, shook each other's hands, and threw their hats into the air looking for all the world like a crowd of Bacchanals just pitched out of a " pub " ; Hri\\'Q.ky contrast the Licensed Victuallers sober. The'w~m?i<yero_ Rooking particularly year, and I hope all ill-feeling" ior another and that both sides will make the besx-fc. the situation. Perhaps my readers would like to know how I voted, so I will tell them. " How did you vote?" To the thousandsof eager inquiries to this effect let me reply—l voted hy ballot!

Now that popular feeling has so strongly declared itself against the continuance of upstairs bars in hotels and in favour of ten o'clock licenses, it may be presumed that there will be a noticeable improvement in the morals of the community. The enticing allurements of charming barmaids will no longer serve to guide the susceptible adolescent youths of Auckland to their ruin, and some other explanation of the mystery must be sought if they should continue to fall away from the paths of rectitude. And in this connection it may very reasonably be asked if the publicans of Auckland are responsible for all the mischief which has been and is beiug wrought. They say emphatically that they are not, and my own observation justifies me in saying that while their houses may be the haunts of the hawk species, it is elsewhere that the tender pigeon is so freely and unblushingly plucked, and the first steps on the road to ruin taken.

There need be no mystery concerning the evil agency to which I refer. 'Hie last two or three year? have witnessed the establishment m our midst of something like half-a--dozen cigar divans, conducted, in almost every instance, by females of doubtful reputation. These retreats have flourished under the very eyes of the law, and one is almost forced to" the conclusion that they are not only winked at, but encouraged by the police. It cannot be supposed that the revenue which renders these places such paying concerns is derived from the sale of either tobacco or cigars, custom in this direction being driven away rather than encouraged by the quality of the goods kept, while " the regular dustmen " affirm that little or no injury is done to their business by their female competitors in tobacco vending. That there is a revenue derived, and a very substantial one too, no one need doubt, and the question arises, "Where does it come from ?"

+ + -f This is the point to which I wish to draw attention. The police know, and many of the public know, too, that these shops are simply sly-grog selling establishments, and the publicans complain with too great reason that their business is materially affected by the unlicensed sale of liquor.? thus carried on. But the evil does not end here. The patrons of these' divans are almost exclusively boys who have just left school, or young office clerks who are sowing their first crop of wild oats. Afraid or ashamed to be seen in hotels or public billiard rooms, they are introduced to, and made welcome in the back apartment ot the cigar-divan, where their peccadilloes escape observation, and the prying eyes of parents and guardians do not penetrate. Vice is not allowed to show its " cloven foot" in the earlier stages of the process of initiation, and the descent to its level is thus made more rapid and easy. Music and a few games of euchre form the nightly programme, drinks follow as a matter of course, and a thriving trade is prosecuted under the eyes of the law, while publicans are closely watched and even persecuted in the effort to detect offences of lesser gravity.

My observation has been close, and I assert without fear of contradiction that there are so-called cigar divans in Auckland which are simply gambling and drinking hells, where immorality is freely practised, and where greater dangers beset the youth of the city than would be encountered in fifty or a hundred of

the worst-; onducted hotels. Even on Sunday [night they are open to their youthful patrone, and euchre is frequently_£he concluding scene in a Sabbatarian programme which has included a Church service at 6.30, a stroll on the wharf at 8, and three or four hours over the gambling table subsequently. The ruin of dozens of unsophisticated lads who have gone wrong during the last two or three years is attributable to the evil influences exercised over them while wasting their time and substance in these gilded traps, and it is a crying shame that they should be allowed to continue. I have no wi»h to reflect on the police, but surely they cannot be doing their duty when such places are allowed to exist. Evidences of the scenes of debauchery, immorality, and vice which occur within them are afforded almost daily. The police must be cognizant of the extent and increasing influence of this agency of evil, and in the interests of law, order and morality, it is their duty to stamp these hells completely out of existence.