RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXIII, Issue 4278, 9 February 1884, Page 1 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel.]

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash. Some write—vain thought,!—for needful cash. Soin* write to please the country clash. And raise a din. Forme, an aim I never fiush— I write for fun.

"When thieves fall out, honest people get thoir own." The truth of this saying has tieen very much enforced upon the mind of the philosophic "Zamiel" as he has during the past week surveyed the course of events in connection with the Domain Board. Not that he would impute direct dishonesty to the gentlemen composing the Board in qi.c:>Uo>i, ..liJ, l:Lu Crutus and the rest, are '•all honourable men." But there is sum. oiont f"i{f i-fo«tiveness in the present aspect oi ailairg in regard to the Domain Cricket Ground and the Bowling Green to make the quotation I have given above appropriate and full of meaning. The noble Brutuses on the Board have fallen out over the question of how the Domain shall be cut up and divided among their lespective proteges, and the result seems likely to be that the long-euil'ufing public will have their rights restored and secured—will receive full restitution of their own, which has been, or was intended to be, barefacedly filched from them. Does my reader fully appreciate the position ? A majority of the Board having made up their minds that the Cricket Ground shall be handed over on I3ase to the Cricket Association, carried a resolution to that effect in face of a vigorous opposition led by a well-known member of the Bowling Club. Now, it so happens that the Bowling Green is a portion of the Auckland Domain, or perhaps more correctly speaking, was a portion of the Domain, but has for 20 years been in the hands of a select coterie of bowling gentlemen who reside in and around Graf ton Koad. What, then, i« the noble and unselfish attitude of the members of the Domain Board ? Instead of applying tho comfortable doctrine of "tit for tat," and allowing present plundering to balance past blundering, these honourable men most magnanimously quarrel ; and the upshot promises to be that the public will be gainers all round. As the bowlers kick against the cricketing lease, the cricketers threaten to "bowl out" the bowlers from their prettily-situated green ; and the City Council, as guardians of public interests, step in between tho disputants, and knocking their heads together, bundle them out of the whole concern.

The strict Sabbatarianism of the Scotch is well known, and many stories illustrative of that national trait are told. I have been accustomed to consider as a base libel a stock story told about a Scotch hotelkeeper, who finding a boarder whistling a tune on the Day of Rest, sternly rebuked him, adding—"Ye may stay in ma hoose a"< lang as ye like, ye may fecht, sweer, and get blin' drunk as often as ye like ; but if ye whuesle on the Sawbath ye'U no be anither day here !" The fact that more people are arrested on Sundays fordrunkenness than on any other day of the week in the leading cities of Scotland proves, however, that the anecdote (though doubtless fictitious) aptly hits off the national humbug regarding the sanctity of the Sabbath. A somewhat striking piece of confirmatory evidence is afforded in New Zealand by the time-table of the Union Steam Shipping Company. This publication sets forth the various signals to be used on the departure of the Company's steamers, and states that these may be depended upon, "Except on Sundays, when the whistle will not be sounded !" This, is quite racy of the soil, and wakens vivid recollections of the " land of brown heath and shaggy wood." The steamers are to sail, the crews to work, and the liquor bars on board to be open as usual on the sacred day, but there is to be " noe whusselin' on the Sawbath '." It is almost needless to say that the head office of the Company is at Dunedin, and the majority of the directors hail from that country which produced so many heroes and martyrs ol" religious liberty, and also the City of Glasgow Bank directors !

An amusing incident occurred the other week at the North Shore. A well-known storekeeper had set his heart upon a trip to the Onehunga races, but being pressed by business calls, was awakened to a consciousness that the last steamer that would avail him would start within a few ruinute=, and tho only 'bus that would catch it was then passing the door. He was yet in dishabille. Being a man not easily daunted, however, he rushed out to the driver and implored him to wait two minutes. Jehu pointed to the panting steamer and dem«rred,but at last yielded on the strict condition that 120 seconds, and no more, should be allowed for toilet operations. Now came the tug of war; and never did Maccabe, in his astonishing transformations, make such a dash for it. Throwing off the seven-leagne boots in which he usually disports himself, and pulling on his Sunday pants, treating his shirt in the same summary way, the intending excursionist threw waistcoat, coat, and collar over his arm, seized two boots, and rushed out in his stockings, pants, and shirt, to the 'bus, into which he plunged headlong. Picture his dismay, however, upon discovwing, comfortably ensconced in the vehicle which he had believed to be empty, two demure young ladies. Blushing down to the solesof his feet, hetnurmured his apologies, while the girls giggled eonsumedly and became suddenly interested in the scenery outside. The'bne rattled away at a double-quick pace to make up for lost time, its jolting not assisting the frantic efforts of our young friend in wrestling with a fractious collar button and adjusting the •remainder of his wardrobe. He managed, however, to overcome these difficulties just as the wharf was reached, and upon attempting to haul on his boots, he found that in his rush he had brought away two odd ones. Chagrined, but resolutely resolved not to be defeated in the hour of victory he ■tugged his feet into tKese, and rushed aboard, adjnating Ms attire more at leisure on the steamer, and making up deficiencies on arrival m Auckland. Let us tope, in all charity, that liis speculation* at the meeting rewarded Hiig toils. To have gone through all this only to be fleeced is too i»ad an ending to an enterprise exhibiting fo much energy for me to dwell upon its extreme probability.

The great Donald Dinnie is in Tfew Zealand, and hfts given several exhibitions of his athletic attainments ; but after all, he finds that tue .bone, muscle, and nerve of this part of the world are not to be laughel .at-r-indeed, so'warm is he finding some of

our Southern friends that he is beginning to raise rather childish excuses for not being able to raise the eyebrows of his beholders. That Donald possesses great physical powers is not to be questioned, but that he can have it all his own way in everything nervo-muscular is quite a different matter. Like the walkist Edwards, however, not enough is said about his achievemenis to please him ; therefore he must bring forth a string of his victories, and parade them before the public in a rather foolish manner, in which the almighty "I" shines out in bold relief. No doubt Donald would maintain that this course was nsceseary owing to his feats having been questioned ; but then it might have been done with more reserve, for it is easy enough to prove such things : perform them in the eyes of those who dispute.

But perhaps the most puerile conduct that a man could display was shown by Dinnie in connection with the latelyproposed dancing contest bet-ween himself and James Murray, the Duuedin champion. Now, I do not profess to be an athlete, nor do I give much time to such matters as are under consideration ; but still a mere schoolboy will see the absurdity of the following affair in connection with Dinnie. It appears, then, that Murray accepted Dinnie's challenge to dance the Highland fling for £100;. but it turned out immediately afterwards that Dinnie was dissatisfied with the Dunedin judges, whereupon Murray suggested as a fair arrangement that persons to act as judges might be selected from Auckland, Wellington, and Christchurch, leaving Dunedin entirely out of the question. Dinnie refused this proposal, stating that there was only one man —a gentleman in Edinburgh—who could judge his dancing ! He was willing to pay half the expense of the gentleman's passage to Dunedin; but, naturally enough, Murray would not agree to this course. A more childish proposition could hardly be made. Just think what it menne. Two men are to dance for a large sum of money, and the judge is to be one person, a Mend of one of the parties, who is to be brought all the way from Edinburgh to Dunedin. Why, the thing is preposterous. It would require a good amount of moral staminafor a man, after having been brought such a journey at the suggestion anrl partial expense of a friend, to decide against that friend. Besides, when Donald says this gentleman in Edinburgh is the "only one " who can judge his dancing, this of course amounts to saying that such gentleman has a high opinion of Donald's dancing ; so that it is about as good aa stating, "I have a very particular friend: he's the person to judee between my performances and yours." It is true, indeed, that there are men who will maintain the right against even their best friends ; but it isequally true that a feeling of friendship has a tendency to make people decide against what they know to be "square," or at least to slightly distort their views, I must coma to the conclusion that Donald Dinnie was either afraid to meet Murray, or else that he has yet to learn a lesson in common sense and give New Zealand a little more credit in regard to jadging athletic sports.

A variety of opinions—religious and nonreligious—are continually being expressed from pulpit and platform in this city, from Catholicism to what is termed Freethought. Unitnrianism and a few other forms of teaching are the exceptions — they have not their popular exponents. One of our clergymen on a recent Sunday went awayf rom his textual line of discourse to denounce the Auckland press for its advocacy of every form of religious teaching but the truths of Christianity as taught by tho Church of the good old Protestant fathers, and which, with convenient modifications, is still taught in Protestant churches. The press, he considered, deserved the censure of every right-thinking person for the prominence given to all sorts of tra?h, from wild theories of Herbert Spencer to the delusive doctrines held by the disciples of Joseph Smith ; while the old-fashioned but genuine teaching of the Reformers was literally ignored. The preacher's exhibition of temper and vehemence of style were quite amusing to the majority of the congregation, as their faces plainly indicated, and it was apparent that the intended convincing effect was lost upon his listeners. The preacher, to use a big word, was grandiloquent in his denunciation of newspaper writers. The sermon was full of highsounding terms, expletives, full of wordiness, and somewhat incongruous. Tlie rev. gentleman did not seem to recognise the fact that in simplicity of expression and sticking to text may be found the secret of true dignity and real eloquence. Good plain words, uttered in a spirit of earnestness—monosyllables, if to the point—are the best and surest means of gaining the ears of a congregation. I cannot help comparing the soporific phrases of the ordinary church sermon with some of the striking passages of Scripture, and noting the agreeable change brought about by some favourite verse from one of those old writers —so different in tone and spirit from the verbiageof theordinary preacher, whose chief peculiarity, like that of the modern bicycle, seems to be that of going on. X -X X Members of the Rationalistic Association did not particularly thank me for pointing out, a few weeks ago, that they were imitating the methods of the Church in their manner'of assembling themselves together on the Sabbath ; and I fear I shall not earn their gratitude by drawing attention to another weak point in their armour. They have not yet got over their soreness at my remarks on the foundation of the Society, for not a meeting passes but some member rises and emits a quantity of bile, or R ;ts off a mill'-and-watery joko at the expense or poor "Zamiel." It may besome comfort to them to know that all their little attentions are carefully conveyed to me, and that I still survive. But reunions a, nos mouton*. The other day I saw an announcement calling upon the members of the Rationalistic Association to attend the funeral of a member's child. Here, I thought, was an opportunity of widening my experiences, which it would be madness not to embmca. I liad never seen a |uneral conducted according to the dictates of pure Rationalism, and I therefore resolved to see this one, and in a spirit of humility learn at the feet of these advanced thinkers and reformers in things religious. At the appointed hour I wended my way up Symonds-street, saw the funereal procession file "slow through tike churchyard path," and followed to the open grave. But instead of the service being conducted 'by one of the priesthood of Reason, it was read by a Presbyterian clergyman—a short, though beautiful and appropriate service, but not the new and improved thing I had been led to expect. The Rationalists —sceptics, materialists, agnostics, &c,—

stood by the open grave, awed as every one with a human heart is, by the presence of the Mystery of Death, and they heard the sublime words of Scripture which spoke of the sure hope of a glorious resurrection, and I thought:—lf this is what it comes to at the end, well may the nationalists forego their criticisms and join in the words of the hymn :—

Tis religion that, can give Purest pleasures while we live 'Tia religion ca.n supply Solid comfort when we die." XXX

The pastor and vestry of St. Thomas's Church have by no means a pleasant occupation in presiding over the interests of the parishioners. Ever since vhe formation of the church there have been frequent quarrels amongst members, and upon each occasion several have left to find a more congenial sphere in which to "worship" elsewhere. The ■'young people" seem to be the principal cause of theso unseemly dissensions, and the all-import-ant" qriestlonl; ;ire: Whni -MP fy ; Jom with our boys? What shall we do for our girls? The "dancing" disturbances having ceased through the intervention of sundry objectors and the departure of one or two gay young sparks, things for a very brief period became remarkably dull. It was soon discovered, however, that the choir were " cutting capers " during the Sunday services. Considerable tittering and giggling were observed to be going on both morning and evening, but the cause was not discovered until several pious members of the congregation set a vigilant watch upon their actions, and the result was that the secret was discovered. It was that the lads and the lasses, instead of listening to the sermon, employed their time in writing " sweet nothings " upon slips of paper and passing them to friends of the opposite sex.

Then it was thnt the vestry began to consider whether it would be an improvement to have the choir surpliced, in order that the wearing of "white robes might prevent them from behaving in such an unseemly manner during worship. The vestry were almost unanimous in favouring the innovation, and- although numerous disturbing spirits vowed to leave the church if the proposal were carried out, the members of the vestry had it all their own way at a meeting to which parishioners were invited, held on Tuesday evening. The night was so stormy that very few ventured out, and this probably will account for the fact that the very lively proceedings which were anticipated did not eventuate. There is reason to believe, however, that the matter is not jet cettled.

A partie billarde is one of those mild forms of exercise which suit the even temperament and staid habits of " Zatniel,"and if Mrs Z. had not a fired antipathy to late hours, I should probably be oftener found busily engaged "potting" and "kissing" around one of Alcock's tables. Although I flatter myself I can take "flukes" as well as any man, I did not play Weis3, the Australian champion, during his visit to Auckland. In fact, I did not exactly twe the fun of acting the part of a foil to show off another's proficiency, but at the same time I admire the pluck of Mr Lyons and others in so gallantly leading Auckland's forlorn hope at the billiard-table. Playing under such circumstances, the score of our Auckland champion was decidedly good ; how good, only those who handle the cue can understand. Apropos of the exhibition games, I have received from an enthusiastic admirer of sport a few lines, under the heading of "A C»«-rious Ditty," which he has composed on the occasion. In my goodness of heart, I gratify him by giving them a place here:— Come all ye knights of balls and cues, Explain, extenuate, excuse; Conic, if you con. and tell me why Bold Lions, clean defeated, fly Like timid lambs; and toll me. too. Great Twohill, how it comes that yon Achieved such ei/Mosin a trice Rieht bravely from the champion Weiss ! If Bill at bt'Uiards means to shine. He'll quit the book and pencil line. And go where, in the ranks of ivnr. Resounding " cannons " scatter far. In wild dismay, his foeman's force ; Still better (Weiss might think still worse), A Rae oC light may cheer his Hart, Nor ever from his path depart. If hell but join the " pop-shop" crew. Since they so neat the " pocket" do,— They love a "green Hat," And " three balls" so pat. So I remain, yours. Bill Yakde, Kew.

Susceptible as I may be to the seductive blandishments of the tender sex, and oppressed as I undoubtedly am with a sense of their superiority to the grosser animal — man—l am not disposed to dispute the rights to precedent attention and prior consideration with which the lex nou scripla of gallantry and good breeding have environed the fairer half of humanity. But still, as Horace declares, there is a medium in all things, and it is quite possible for members of the sex liar excellence to presume too far upon the indulgence conceded them. A case in point was related to me during the present week, and I should think that it is not of very uncommon occurrence either. It was a rainy evening, and the scene a 'bus stand. A roomy 'bus bound for a distant suburb had been tilled both inside and out by an eager crowd of city men who had left home in the morning unprepared for the change in the weather, and consequently were anxious to get back with dry skins. A late arrival, in the shape of a young matron with her infant, was accommodated with difficulty, and then the vehicle moved away from the stand. Jnst at this moment an elderly lady of imposing proportions, and clad in a macintosh, nove in sight, accompunied by two lady friends protected by thick ulsters and ginghams, and with a little boy in their charge. They clamoured and gesticulated for the driver to stop, and in spite of his protests that he already had his full complement of passengers, compelled him to do so. To the consternation of the tightly - packed "insiders," the ladies squeezed in, and the door being simultaneously shut, the 'bus again moved on. Of course, standing up was out of the question, and the elderly dame Hopped down therefore upon the knees of a pronounced bachelor of the legal persuasion, who, in terror and dismay at the prospect of being noticed in such a compromising situation, made a frantic bolt for the door and got out, followed by another lightly-clad individual who had been displaced by one of the other ladies. The third fair one accepted an invitation to occupy about three inches of space between two gentlemen, wJiich necessitated a considerable support upon their knees. This, however, was an awkward experiment, and one of the gentlemen yielded up hie seat, while another steadied himself from, the roof so as to afford further room for the stout leader of the invftding contingent. Two of the ladies reached their destination ere the 'bus

had gone a third of its required trip, and the third dismounted very shortly afterwards, leaving the remaining passengers free to condole with one another, and to exchange indignant expressions of opinion upon such an unpleasant assertion of women's rights. In reference to this incident, it may bo pertinent to inquire—where do women's rights end and men's rights begin? Or, is the male being entitled to any consideration whatever from his female congener ? Let only ladies reply.

The free-and-easy style into which the proceedure in our Police Court is steadily degenerating should have called forth remark from the newspapers long ago, and now that the evil is increasing, some means should be taken to check it. .Mr Tole made a movement in this direction the other day, but his temerity was rewarded with more CfwTour tLnii he had calculated, upon. A witness had been examined, cross-examined, and then no less than three times did the Pfirjrnant of police return to the attack upon Liiouiiioi^uiiutedwpou6ui. IVtxuitiu nitli tins protraction of the case, Mr Tole at length enquired how many times the officer was to be allowed to cross-examine the witness after an examination-in-chief, but he was quickly snuffed out by Sergeant White, who retorted, "Well, your Worship, I am so accustomed to the interruption of Mr Tole that I don't, think much of him." Protesting against indulgence in such pleasantries, the incensed advocate submitted that so long as he appeared in that court he would be treated with if spect by at least a sergeant of police.

Perhaps there is not one amongst our local clergymen who is a more sincere believer in the efficacy of prayer than the pastor of Beresford - street Church, the simplicity of whoso preaching possesses a charm peculiarly its own. Prayer has formed the subject of many of bis discourses, but last Sunday he was afforded an apt illustration by the opportunity of applying it to the smallest things. A wandering sparrow made bold to rest upon the Church window sill during the progress of the morning service, and not satisfied with the impudence already displayed in this act, began to chirp so loudly as to interfere with the comfort of those within the sacred building. Here was a good opportunity to appeal for divine invervention for the removal of a source of annoyance, and the pastor did not fail to embrace it. With childlike and touching faith, he prayed earnestly that the Lord would remove that sparrow's noise. But behold the amazing result of prayer. The sparrow, unconscious of the mighty power sought to be. directed against him, increased the pitch of his little song, and waxed louder and louder each moment, while the parson's face grew longer than his most extended sermon. When he had finished his " little lay,"—which occupied quite as long as the service—and not until then, the impudent sparrow tock his departure. The incident appeared to afford amusement to some of the ungodly, who appeared to think that in this instance the prayers of the righteous were of little avail.

We often hear of neighbours being thanked for their assistance at a fire ; but if such assistance is rendered on the tamo principle as obtained at the recent Helensville fire, I should imagine that their reward is sufficiently great to enable them to dispense with the empty recompense of thanks through the columns of a newspaper. We have been -told that there were many volunteers at this Helensville fire, but we have not been told that all the liquors that were saved were consumed on the spot, probably with the view of preventing a further outbreak. Neither have we been told that some of these energetic volunteers went homewards after the conclusion of the fire clad in three suits of raiment, which were probably donned with the object of preventing the scorching element from reaching their tender skin. Neither have we been told that since then Messrs McLeod have been accustomed to watch for energetic volunteers in new suits of clothes, which have been at once booked to the credit of the enterprising wearers and charged for. All these circumstances are said to have happened, but whether or not they are true is beyond my power to say.

It has always appeared to me that the proceedings at the meetings of some of our public bodies are a trifle too slow and matter-of-fact, and that they might be improved by the introduction of a comic song or a nigger step dance. Of course my readers will agree with me concerning the necessity for " lightening the labours " of our representatives in this direction, and will rejoice with me when I tell them that Councillor Herbert Burns has come forward as the leader of reformation, and that his talents are being utilised for the periodical amusement of the delegates who are each week compelled to pass a number of hours within the walls of the melancholy and sepulchral chamber known as the City Council meeting room. Possessed of a naturally light and jocose disposition, the funny Councillor has been gradually developing a facetious talent, which promises yet to make him famous amongst his colleagues. Dropping in for half-an-hour at a recent Council meeting, I was pleased to observe that Cr. Burns had so perfectly made his intention understood that he was permitted the privilege of addressing his brothercouncillors by their family names, while others less favoured were compelled to use the stereotyped prefix. At one time it was charming to hear him from his distinguished bench exclaiming "Look here Mayor, you'd better not pass that motion," while the next moment it gratified me to listen to his violent denunciation of " Aickin the chemist" for professing to know more than he did. And when he drew comparisons between himself as a city councillor and my friend Cr. Garratt as a chimney-sweep, I failed to understand why the dapper little representative of Karangahape should squirm in his seat as if he didn't appreciate the point of the delicate allusion. But if this fact caused me any surprise, it may be imagined how much I regretted that another councillor should po into a towering passion because the facetious Burns assured the assemblage that he knew " Alick Fleming long ago." Perhaps theMayormighthavebeenrightwhen he said all this was undignified : but what. n. vast amount of enjoyment and genuine fun will be lost to our councillors if they attempt to nip the Mayor's witticisms and tunny isms in the bud. Had they not better wait and see what will be the results of encouraging such promising talents as are thus early making themselves manifest.