RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4193, 24 November 1883, Page 5 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel.]

„ „« write, ft neighbour's namo to lash, §°5« wW-vain thought .'-for needful cash, iSSe^topleas^oeount^clash. Fflfffi(! ,anaimlnevcrfa^- rfun _

IBS Mayoralty election has proved a very ild sensation. I object in loto to this quiet yof doing business. When £400 a year A oceans of glory, with the title of "His WorshiPi" don't attract the least competition, but absolutely goes a-begging, what's tie city coming to ? Besides, it isn't fair industrious and meritorious section n^tbe community who livo by elections, ho are only seen during those sacred hours when the " free and independent" citizens m» OP to exercise their rights as freemen,and Ehothen disappear into somo secret crevice of the social system, from whence they are urain called forth, decked in genteel but faded toggery, to act sponsors to whichever ride payß tnem kest" -I-*'B Positive robbery io diddle them out of their legitimate permiisites in this way, and if Mayor Waddell to at all grateful for his good fortune he mil distinguish hie ascent to the civic tene by sending out into the highways and by-ways to run these worthy fellowis in and regale them with a good blow-out. xxx

For my part,l like to see healthy competition for high public offices. It gives the people» choice, and enhances the value of {he office to the man who wins it. Besides, there is no disgrace in being honourably beaten in such a fight, and a man who has got in without it can never be absolutely sore whether he would have been the chosen of the people, and possessed their confidence. The lack of competition implies a : fljatof due appreciation of the honour of becoming the representative head oi a great and progressive city. However, those who lave looked into these things—have peeped behind the scenes, and enjoyed a back-view of the showy tinsel decorations—have given it forth that all is vanity, emptiness, and vexation of spirit, and so it cometh to pass that candidates seem to consider they are honouring the people by accepting office rather than the recipients of honour at thdr hands. Sic transit gloria munai. x + x Though it was to many peoplo a disappointment that there was not a contest ' for the Mayor's chair, Mayor Woddell is none the less to be congratulated on his : bloodless victory. It remains to be seen whether he will magnify his office, or whether his " retail ideas " will contrast unfavourably with the " wholesale views " of i his predecessor. Somo peoplo profess to bo deeply exercised over the question of how our new Mayor will receive and entertain such aristocratic visitors as Lord and Lady Roseberry; but "Zamiol" possesses his boul in peace, for he remembers that a lady of the noble house of Douglas lately married 1 a working baker in London, and peddled the fancy bread in the streots. And our Mayor is certainly nearer the " wholesale " line than that, and ia reputed to have a very ■?; comfortable nest-egg in the stocking.

XXX In my lost week's notes I narrated a visit to the dentist, and gave an account of how 1 »veral troublesome molars were extracted from my jaw. Since then I have stumbled ' upon some information which is fitted to create alarm in the breasts of those who are pessimistically inclined ; but at the same time those who, like myself, are forced ■ to have recourse to tho doutist, may find a • gleam of personal gratification in it. The "Lancet," the leading medical journal of London, has come to the conclusion "that human teeth among the cultivated classes are in process of degeneracy. Tho 'dentine' is becoming deteriorated, interglobular spaces not found in tho savage '•■ \ races are making their appoarance^while the enamel is becoming opaque. AloreI ; over, which is more serious, the develop- \ ment of the cranium which follows cultivation is attended with a shrinking-in and weakening of the jaws, till there is not -vfc loom for the teeth." Those afflicted with * the various forms of toothache may draw j what consolation they can from the reflec- .-. tion that it is a symptom that thoy belong to the "|cultivated classes;" but I incline . to think this knowledge will bo very meagre I comfort indeed to tne poor wretch who, I with splitting jaw and frenzied brain, suffere the excruciating pangs of this dire ''■■ malady. There is more solid comfort in ■ the statement that as brain powor increases . jaw power diminishes. There has hitherto - been a popular notion that superabundant "jaw" denoted a j lack of brains, and it is : {leasing to find 'this crude opinion borne ■ out by the dictum of sciences. The Seer of Chelsea, whose favourito proverb was is silvern, silence is golden," 9 would have Tejoiced in such a discovery as this. What a glorious prospect for the .near future of our race! The charms of . \ the Golden Age of tho past, so glowingly , depicted by poets and dreamers, will seem •: as vanity and vexation of spirit compared ■withthegrandGoldenAgeof thefuture—the Age ef Silence ! I shall henceforth be on , the look-out for lantern-jawed specimens of humanity, whom I shall greet as the leaderß ■-•':■,' in the march of mind, the apostles of the blessed Gospel of Silence. a Another English journal, the "Spectator," looks only on the dark side of the picture, and sees nothing but two dreadful : alternatives as the certain outcome of the .' deterioration of our grinders. It says:— "IJe question arises whether these sympv tons will .end in a decay of the race, or in ■■■'. an extinction of each cultivated class as it •springs up, the learned perishing, while the barbarians below them flourish. The latter B'Pthe more probable, for nature seems ;; Opposed to the steady transmission of high ; brain-power. Genius does not breed, and families over-cultivated for their physique have long been known to tend either to ; sterility, to insanity, or to decrepitude. ~'Humanity may continue only on condition ;iof its healthy barbarians always rising to I ..Me top. The professor may rule tho costerf..■:.monger, but the costennonger's progeny *fflalways survive the professor's." This ;is decidedly a blue look-out for the "culti-'•-vated classes," including of course myself, !, ; while it is a rosy prospect for the " healthy [.'^fwbsrians." These gloomy speculations I of the "Spectator" make me half inclined W go into the costprmonger line or some ;other form of tho "healthy barbarian" :' ettiinesg, jo which I might have the hope of HjjPg endowed with a proper strength of ■ Wg&ft and all the blessings implied therein, J Bagainst the .sure prospect of "sterility, tasanity, or decrepitude." As Artemus ,- yward would have put it, I would like to ;,:WW what are the wages of a healthy bar- : ■

barian when ho knows his business. If the present remuneration should happen to be small, the prospects are certainly encouraging. Big brains may rule the world for a ■while (big noses formed Napoleon's idea of men born to command); but in the long run the quality of the " dentine " will turn the scale—the costermonger will be lord and " the man with the iron jaw" will be king! As for the "cultivated classes," if they do_ not accomplish the process of selfextinction, they will be crushed by the " healthy barbarian " and his numerous and iron-jawed progeny. By this new measure of human culture, New Zealand colonists (whose teeth are notoriously bad, and the jaws of whose children can only accommodate about one-half of the teeth that grow) are in the very fore-front of the world's civilisation. But, alas !we are therefore only doomed to earlier extinction ; we must succumb to the law of the survival of the fittest—which means the fittest to masticate food, and support mere animal existence. Is the Maori the " healthy barbarian " who is to succeed us? And is Macaulay's vision of London Bridge to be fulfilled after all ?

The recent case of aasault upon a fullblown barber of Newton brought to light some curious disclosures touching the habits and customs of the rising generation of Auckland. The offence of which two of the elementary " Newton boys" were charred was of a very determined character, worthy the intrepid and historic Turpin, and arose out of the most trivial circumstance. "Sundowner" was considered an affront to the dignity ot these boys of humble origin, who were too ignorant even to appreciate the virtue of courtesy. These boys, however, evinced a certain amount of shrewdness, and were quite capable of contributing to the " slang dictionary." The incautious tonsor and cigar vendor appeared to be of an oily turn of thought, and while in the exercise of lather and pomatum, let slip from his active tongue the obnoxious term which caused all the trouble. The barber was, perhaps, indiscreet in using the irritating word which resulted in a pair of discoloured peepers and a ragged shirt; but whatever might be the meaning conveyed in the epithet, the boys to whom it was applied seemed to feel its potency and force. It was not surprising that the Court sought to know whether it was a distinguishing intimation of virtue or of vice. The astute lawyer, in defence, explained that " sundowner " was not to be found in the vocabularies of Johnson and Webstar ; but it had a caustic and very offensive significance to tho twilight corps known by the suspicious appellation of " The Newton Boys." A " sundowner " was a loafer of the lowest and most avaricious type, one who went from placo to placo, to the dismay of settlers, and who always reached tho scene of his meanderings at sundown, bringing witli him tho shadow of night, empty pockets, and wicked intentions.

The constable of the district eyes the sundowner with suspicion in his looks, feeling that :—

"Before tho rising of to-morrow'g sun, tSome reckless deed of mischief will be dono

Some poor old woman may bo found half dead. Or prostrate barber with a t-rokon head."

The "N«wton Boys," distinguishable from the "Ponsonby Lads," are not externally of a shabby appearance. Thoy gonerally dress well, and some of them aro in fair situations. I' think the appellation of "sundowner" was misapplied, and was a mistaken emanation from the barber's chair. The favourite evening retreat of tho " Boys"is nsmallhotelatthocornnrofadingy lane. There they- congregate, and tho liood Templars amongst them drink only ginger ale, while those who aro not of the Order take schnapps, or brandy and soda. They have no orthodox drink. When "boys" condescond to enlighten you, you listen with breathless attention, and your prevailing sentiment is wondor ; and when they move onward as Constablo Clarko comes nearer, you gaze on the spot which they recently occupied as the Romans gazed upon the Gulf of Curtius. Philosophers have sought for ages to solve questions involving the most serious problems of life ; but the "Newton Boys, duly equipped with Yates's matchless cigarettes, treat such matters lightly, soap thorn over, or quash them behind the counter of a haberdasher. It is possible, should tho merry clique be disbanded, that ono, at least, may be taken in hand by tho Government and shipped to Ireland, to fill somo lucrative appointment under tho Land Act.

I took occasion, the other week, to protest against tho atrocious brutality of shooting tame pigeons as practised under the name of "sport" by some of our "bloods." Bull-baiting is humane to this cold-blooded pastime, for a bull is a powerful and ferocious beast which can make a good fight in its own defence; but tho poor, frightened, helpless birds which are deliberattly maimed by men for amusement(!), and go fluttering along in terror and apony, might move a heart of stone to pity. lam glad to ccc that, the National Congress of the Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which has just closed its session at Vienna, carried unanimously resolutions condemning this so-called "sport," and urged all Societies to do their utmost to stop it. The recently-formed Auckland Society should lend its aid in this good work. The '' sport" is already voted bad form in England, and if neither fashion nor human pity check all further indulgence injthe cruel pastime, the Police Court will probably prove more efficacious.

And while talking on this subject, I should like to know whether the railway authorities cannot be punished for the bad usage which cattle constantly suffer at their hands in transit. The case brought by Mr Allen before Parliament last session is only one of a class. A truck-load of cattle brought downfromTe Awamutu had been so jostled and knocked about in shunting that when the poor beasts reached llemuera late at night they were lying on the top of one another in the most fearful condition, one animal being quite dead. Among the resolutions of the Vienna Congress, one had reference to the transport of cattle by rail, showing that cruelties of this sort are not unknown in Europe. The railway management has protected itself summarily by contracting that cattle shall be carried only at the owner's risk ; but tho terrors of the law for the protection of-dumb brntes, if enforced against the responsible officials, might exercise a salutary restraining influence.

Let the small boys w,ho nightly hold high carnival in the purlieus of Symondsstreet beware ! The British Lion has been at length aroused, and Dick Feltus is on the war-path. With the 1 fizzle and splutter of squib and cracker, tho nocturnal slum-

bers and the profound political cogitations of this disregarded Son of an Old Colonist have been so rudely disturbed of late that he is determined to seek tho gore of the small boy pyrotechnists. He has given them timely warning. In a portentous communication published in Tuesday's Stab, after reciting the grievances under which he and other tenants of the Board of Education labour from tho causes just indicated, he winds up with the solemn declaration :—" If not stopped, the Education Board will be responsible for many deaths." My friend, the editor, in the kindness of his heart, has accepted this enigmatic sentence as an expression of Dick's solicitude for the public safety ; but others who have soon the champion petitioner of late say that he is nerving his soul for the execution of some gigantic enterprise. It must either be the utter annihilation of the small-b jy nuisance, with all its attendant accessories of catapults, fireworks, primitive clock-work apparatus, and personal remarks upon wayfarers, or else the drafting of another petition to Parliament on tho preeminent claims and grievous disabilities of the neglected genius who, in spito of all temptation, persists in acknowledging himself the Son of an Old Colonist. Let the small boys gravely ponder the matter over. The editor may be right, and Dick's intentions be perfectly harmless; but, on the other hand, it may as likely bo that he intends by some drastic expedient to put down the urchin nuisance, even at tho expense of " many deathe," for which effusion of blood, by some peculiar mode of ratiocination, he will hold the Board of Education responsible. Tako warning, then, in good time, ye predatory hordes of small boys who infest tho eastern regions of the city. Tho temple of tho local Janus is open, and Feltus has put on his war-paint.

The scheming and lying tactics of beggars ar« sometimes as amusing as they are vicious. The trouble these individuals will tako to make out a caso for themselves by descanting on the ill circumstances in which they nave been placed, their incapacity for work, and other things in the same strain, is surprising. But whilst there is a slight tincture of truth in somo of tho stories, tho appearance of tho unfortunato is usually a bettor witness to tho truth than his or hor words, especially if tho smell of somothing stronger than tea is exporionced whilst listening to the trouble. One of these specimens of halfwrecked humanity was to bo soon in Symonds-streot a fow days ago. A woman beyond middle ago, with a sickly child of two or throo years at hor sido, looking tho picture of misery, had just come out of tho bar-room of an hotol, and was passing down the street, when bio was overtaken by n lady who had observed hor como out of the hotel. Now notice tho depravity of human nature. Tho woman with tho child put on as good an appearance as sho could, and then addressed tho lady thus : " Could you tell mo where Mrs O'Brien lives!—it's somowhoro in this street. Imn a stranger from Whangarei, and sho wroto to mo promising to help mo a little. To toll you the honest truth, [ am very hard up. I supposo you couldn't give mo anything, DKAR ?" It was rathor unfortunatß for tho statement as to her boing from Whangerei that tho lady asked to liolp Intel soon the "stranger" on several occasions within tho last year or so cvuising about on the same tack, and also remembered hor calling at a certain hoiiso with tho child [thon'in arms) for a "drink of water," but by hor pitiful tale drawing forth a shilling. So much for " honest truth." The same individual has often been seen in such a drunken state as to put tho life of her child in jeopardy. It is a wondor how she manages to keep out of tho clutches of the law. To leavo this and pass on to another incident of a more trilling nature, but in connection with tho same demon power of drink. Not more than half-aihilo horn tho sceno of the first incident, an elderly man well-known in tho district was being teased by a numbor of youngsters. Ho was smoking his usual T. 1). at tho time, but presently one of tho bolder boys mode a snatch at the pipe, and succeeded in sending it out of his mouth into a box which was standing on tho footpath in front of a grocer's shop. Then tho old man did one of his customary hunts round houses and lanes, yelling and bawling like a madman (as, indeed, he was at tho time), but to no purpose —sprightly youngsters aro a little too much for porsons whoso amount of Bonsu when in a normal condition is not "up to much," and who consequently, when under the domonting power of tho cup, only rnako complcto fool.-i of themselves.

Although this is a random shot, it i.s not a bolt drawn at a venture. I havo carefully selected my bullet, have laid my ai'Cjuebus with all the skill I possess, and I prayerfully trust that it will not miss its mark. My theme is the life insurance agent—-tho virtual footpad of the nineteenth century. Let me, then, draw his picture. Ho is usually an undersized individual, with cunning littlo eyes and smug,Banctimonious expression of features. Ho broathcß wheezily, and the odour of his breath does not exactly realise the poet's yearning for the spices of Araby the blest. Tho malodorous emanations from his month arc parts of tho life insurance man's stock-in-trade. Without it he would not bo a success, and would soon take up somo fresh line of industry, probably thatofa thug or a burglar, " Zamiel" has been through the fire, and knowg all about the breath ; with his victim fairly bailed in a corner, a life insurance agent who knows how to use his thorax never fails to get a proposal for at least a couplo of hundred. So much for the appearance and noisomeness of the lifo insurance agent. Now for his peculiarities. Firstly, he is omnipresent. You go down the harbour en a moonlight excursion, and heave a sigh of contentment as Luna tips tho wavelets with silver and glorifies into fairyland the bold outlines of the North Head and Mount Victoria. Tho insurance fiend is at your elbow—a serpent in your Eden. He hears the sigh, and it affords him a pretext for launching into a discourse on tho uncertainty of life, the certainty of death, and the commercial stability of the company he represents, and before you have time to climb up tho mast or jump overboard to escape your tormentor, he has jammed a proposal form into one hand and a pencil into the other.

Another scene. At midday you sink into a seat at your restaurant. Without looking at the man opposite, you make a commonplace on the weather. Horror of horrors ! it is an insurance agent, and you have tapped his perennial stream of commonplace verbosity. You are compelled to absorb "Table A, with Profits,"

with your soup; "Table X, with division at 45," with your mutton, and "Reversionary Bonuses" with your apple tart, and when you have got through you rush hatless to the nearest gunsmith s, purchase a revolver, and make a mental resolve to shoot the very first man who draws his odious pamphlet on you. I have calledthisexcrescence on the back of society a footpad; on mature consideration, and solely out of consideration for the memory of Claude Duval and Dick Turpin, I retract. Comparing these worthies with the insurance fiend is enough to make them turn in their graves. Neither is the comparison apropos. The highwayman of old drew his pistol on the traveller and demanded his money or his life. The fiend jams a piece of paper to your throat, and demands both your money and your "life"—"life" first and money afterwards. Such is the life insurance agent, and feeling as I do regarding the order, imagine the grief I felt when I heard it whispered in aristocratic circles that my o;d friend Dick Feltus had so far forgotten his duty to his connections as to become a taker of lives. XXX The two foregoing paragraphs have been written for the purpose of introducing a little story all about myself. Within the last few days,l have been almost tormented to death by the pesterings of a little man whose loquacity and cheek are equally abundant. He has taken a scat, uninvited, in my office at the busiest hour of the day, and has remained there despite my efforts to rid myself of the insufferable bore by threats and insults. Human patience could not endure the infliction longer thnn I did, and at last, when goaded almost to desperation, I signed his nasty proposal for £500 simply in order to procure some relief, and prevent myself from doing him an injury in my frenzied agony. That night I dreamed of insurance agents and murders, and next morning I arose with the cool determination to sco him in a warmer climate, where even summer clothing would bo considered a superfluity, before 1 paid him a cont on my ( life. The sacred precincts of my sanctum wero invaded early in tho forenoon by tho irreEressiblo mannikin, who came accompanied y a doctor. By a fortunate circumstance, I managed to escape by a back door, and quietly meandered up town to givo the girls "their customary treat." What becamo of tho insurance man and his medical advisor I know not, but this Ido know, that tho ontranco to my sanctum is now fitted with atrap-door, andnoxt timo my little " friend " comes round, I nhnll gently lowor him into the regions beneath, whore tho devils (printers') hold undisputed sway. Tarring and feathering will be a luxury to what ho will get then.

This is tlio season when tho uhiquitouß magazine agent sets out afresh on hi* everlasting rambles in search of now subscribers for vaunted publications, and this is also the period when tho deluded victims aro fleeced of thoir sparo cash in consideration for iioriotliculv which aro soon to arvivo, but whiehsoldomroachthosewho payso dearly for thorn. Life insurance agents aro bail enough, but there in one redeeming feature in connection with their businww. They guarantee you something "at the death," however indisposed you may bo to claim your " prolits under table E," when that interesting event arrives. Tlio monthly magazine agent does not trado on oven such a substantial basis as this. Ho certainly does promise- a great doal, but his promises aro liko Auckland weather— not to bo depended upon. Believe in him, and ho will tako advantage of your contidouco; entrust your shillings to liis care, and ho will invest thorn—but not for your benofit. AH this is not mcro assertion ; but, I regret to say, tho outcome of actual experience. Perhaps my readers will be inclined to doubt me when 1 say that I have been victimised ; possibly they will placo a linger in close proximity to a sceptical nose when I assure them that a magazine agent has euchred mo—mo, "Zamiel"—but such is really tho case. It is desirable that honest people should bo always on their guard against tho human vultures who "run" tlio canvassing business for foreign periodicals, and feeling convinced that all my readers are honost people, I consider it my duty to tell them everything about tho villainous littlo swindle of which I luvvo boon mado tho victim.

Somo few months ago I was interviewed by a youth whoso external appearance was decidedly prepossessing, whoso ample shirt-front and oxtonsivo collar gave ono tho idea that ho %vas genteel, and whoso sanctimonious boaring and unctuous exprossion would have almost induced Jacob Enko to lay 100 to 4 that ho was a Sundayschool teacher. But ho wasn't. Ho introduced himself as a canvasser for tho local agent of an American magazine which, ho assured me, was, metaphorically-speaking, taking " tho country by Btorm." I told him 1 was corry for tho country. He olFored to supply mo with this journal for a whole year, with a consignment of na-sty chromos thrown in, for a paltry ten shillings. Speculation in cheap literature is not my weakness, but when ho pointed out tho advantages which would accrue from an interchange of American and colonial ideas and merchandise, I saw that I was at the mercy of a boro, and capitulated on tho terms offered. Ho took my ten colonial roberts, and gave me a journal and some pictures. That, of course, was the last I ever saw of tho youthful canvasser. The magazines did not come to hand as had been promised, and with tlie object of tracing the agency business to its source, and discovering where the publicationswere, I visited the book store of the accredited agent. A beauteous maiden was in charge, and endeavouring to overcome my natural modesty, I explained the nature of the businoss transaction which had conferred upon her the honour of a visit from " Zamiel." "So you have come for the books," said the maiden. I ventured to plead guilty to the charge, when the fair one rejoined, "Well, the company's'busted,' and you've lost your half-sovereign." This was quite sufficient to aHay my over-ween-ing curiosity, and feeling almost as if I had been detected in tho unlawful act of laying claim to ten shillings that did not and never had belonged to mo, I sorrowfully departed. This, dear readers, is tho reason why I am anxious to warn you against canvassors for American periodicals. Beware of them as you would of a serpent whoso bite is certain death, and you will prosper.

Cultivated Women.—Sheridan said, beautifully, " Women gorern us ; let us render them perfect; the more they are enlightened, so much tho more shall wo be. On tho cultivation of the mind of women depends tho wisdom of men. It is by womon that Nature writes on tho hearts of men."