HUMOUROUS CLIPPINGS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4124, 22 September 1883, Page 6 (Supplement)

HUMOUROUS CLIPPINGS.

It is wrong to poach chickens, but perfectly proper to poach eggs. So you sco there is a difference 'twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.

"Papa," said a lad tho other night, after attentively studying for some minutes an engraving of a human skeleton, "how did this man manage to keox^ in his dinner S"

A soft answer may turn away wrath ; but the avorage wolsher finds it more discreet to trust to his legs.

"Where did you get your wonderful power of language '!" asked an admiring auditor at the close of the lecture. " Oh, replied the lecturor, with a laugh, "I used to work in a barber's shop."

First small girl, " I know what I'm going to be when 1 grow up." Second ditto, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" First small girl, " A widder !"

A child being asked what wero the three great feasts of the .Jews, promptly replied, " Breakfast, dinner, and supper." "lam saddest when I write humorous articles" said a "funny man" to an acquaintance. "And I," said tho acquaintance, "am saddest when I read them."

A little Sunday-school miss was asked by her teacher—"What must people do in order to go to heaven?" " JJie, 1 suppose," replied the little one.

He who courts and goes away, may live to court another day. But lie who weds and courts girls still, may got in court against his will. A seven-year-older, with the punster's mark on his brow, at dinner, u.skod his mother what was in a jar on tho table. "Pickles, my son," was the reply. " Then, mamma, please, pieklo little one out for me," came with stunning forco from the child, and tho mother fell over her chair and fainted. In a certain cemetery is a tomb with tho inscription :— " This .stono was raised by Sarah's lord. Not Surnh's virtues to record— For they're well-known to nil the town— But it was raised to keep Sarah down." " Can you change a twenty-dollar gold piece ?" he asked, as lie gently placed the empty glass upon the counter. " Yes," said tha bar-tender. "Well, I'll go out and see if I can find one." And the man was gone. " What would you do if you were I and I woro you ?" tenderly inquired a young swell of his lady friend, as ho escorted her home from church. " Well," said she, "if I were you I would throw away that vile cigarette, cut up my cane for firewood, wear my watchenain under my coat, and stay at home nights, and pray for brains." In Washington the cry of the horse-car passengers is,3" No seat, no fare;" but a lady who is not blessed with tho fatal gift of beauty affirms it as her belief that in a crowded car the gentlemen's maxim is ; "Xot fair, no seat." A little boy entered a fish-market one day, and seeing for the first time a pile- of lobsters lying on the counter, looked intently at them for some time, when he exclaimed —"thorn's the biggest grasshoppers I've ever seen."

A popular actor manager recently announced in a speech on the evening of the hundredth performance of a very successful piece that the drama would soon be played by as many ns twelve companies in England, America, Franco, and Germany. Some- one said that he looked very pensive. " Yes— pounds, shillings, and pence-ivo," added a wit in the stalls.

A detective wont down to Aldorshot to search the ranks of a militia regiment for a criminal who was "wanted." Up and down went tho investigator, till at last he stopped opposite tho left-hand man of the rear rank, and looked hard nt him. "Come," said tho Colonel, his dignity and esprit de corps not a little offended, "this can't bo tho man you want. He's the beat man I have got in the regiment. You don't mean to gay you know him?'' "No," replied the detective, after a pause, "I don't ; he's the only man in your regiment I don't know, and I was wondering where he came from."

A story is related of a gentleman driving his Irish servant in his cab, whon he said to Paddy, half jocularly, half in anger, "If tho gallows had its due, you rascal, where would you'bo now?" "Faith, then, your honour, it's riding in this cab I'd be, all alone by myself may be !" Among tho curiosities which aro shown to travellers at Cologne, is the first animal that drew blood, and thus broke the general peace, namely, the (lea that bit Eve the night after her fall. This antediluvian flea is nearly as largo as a well-known prawn. A canvasser for the Brooklyn city directory recently called at a house in that city, when tho following conversation took place between the agent and the servant girl : " Does Mr live hero V" asked the agent. " Indado, that he does, soiy' answerrd the girl. " What is his full namo '!" "Ho has nofullname." "Whatis his Christian name?" " Divil abitdol know, for he's anything else but a Christian," "What's his first namo 2' "Oh, is that what yer after?" "Yes; that's^what I want." " Oh, his name in John— —; that is, it was before ho died, but I don't know where ho is or what's his name now." The canvasser left.

At a station on tho overland route to California tho keeper pot rather short of provisions—in fact, had nothing left but a pot of mustard and some bacon. As tho stage stopped there one day to change horses, the passengers seated themselves at the tables, and tho host said, " Shall I holp you to a pieco of the bacon ?'' "No, thank you; I nover eat bacon," said the traveller. " Well, then," said tho host, " holp yourself to mustard !"

It was at a swagger crickot-niatch at Lord's, and tho provincial spectator watched whilo tho best bowler in England trundled half-a-dozen maidens, and then tho best bat in the world managod to get a forward drive along the ground to the boundary. " I can show you better fun like this at Town Mailing," said that wandering man of Kent, as he turned on his heel and made for tho nearest bar. " I like to see them hit blooming 'igh and blooming 'urd, and blooming often—that's what I calls cricket." A handsome young Yankee pedlar marls love to a buxom widow pf Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration of love with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said tho widow. " The want of means to set up a retail shop," replied the young podlar. They parted, and the widow sent her young lover a cheque for ample means. When they mot again the pedlar had hired and stocked a shop, and the smiling widow begged to know the other impediment. "I have got a wife," blandly said the young man. Old servants are a nuisance as a rule. During an annual meeting of some Corsetshire clergymen, held at a vicar's house, a now servant asked an aged retainer what tha parsons met for, "To swap sermons," replied that retainer ; "butlookeo, our master he do get cheated awful. I've bin in his sarvice a matter o' thirty-five year, and ho'a never got a good one." It had not struck peoplo before this remark was made that the pastor's discourses weroso terrible. Ha left the parish shortly after.