Terrors of the Telephone

Auckland Star, Volume IX, Issue 2489, 16 March 1878, Page 2

Terrors of the Telephone

AN AUCKLAND ROMANCE

[By the Author of "Fragrant Fragmentsi from 1 Freeman's Bay," " The Chivalry of Chanc.rystreet," " My Weekly Dose,' &c, S_c.J

Preface.

Gentle Reader,—Well, gentle reader, suppose we let the preface slide, and strike ile at ouce.

Chapter I.— Evening. It is eve. The autumn sun is fast sinkiu" behind a gorgeous mass of roseate-hued clouds, the last twittering notes of the birds come out from amidst tiie foliage, the shades of eve are stealing over hind and sea, tired citizens are trudging homewards, the roosters have retired to their lodgings, the felines are forming their plans _ for the nightly saturnalia, when—when—but when will transpire further on. Let the reader in his imagination accompany me to the aristocratic suburb of Parnell. There, in a picturesque spot, sheltered by umbrageous branches from the rude visiting- of blustering Boreas, amidst the perfumes of choice and many-hued ifowers, and the gorgeous blos_oms of the clustering pumpkin, stands an ancient dwelling. It is a scene upon which a Gustave'Dore or a John Blackmail might gaze withthe ecstasy of poetic contemplation. The white garden gate, almost hidden by the • trees, the v.-eli-kept _ walks ornamented withthe treasures of St. George's Bay, tho fluttering clothes lines, and the breezy odours of a distant pig-sty, combine to make up a scene of surpassing beauty. It is a scene which a Goldie would contemplate with mingled feelings of delight and legal presentiment. Chapter 2. —JNight. It is night. Lights are flitting to and fro. The aggravating odours of beef-steaks and onions' are wafted out upon thekeen olfactory perceptions of the houseless vagrant, the maddening jingle of innumerable pianos strikes upon the listening ear, varied by the occasional duets oi some sportive felines. It is a scene of surpassing splendour. But by far the most splendid object amidst all this grandeur of nature and art, is Angelina Isabella Madeline Sairey Smith, standing there in the shadows by the garden gate. She is a beauteous sylph of some nineteen summers, with deep violet eyes—at least in daylight—aquiline features, and a. marvellous wealth of red hair. There is a look of anxious expectancy on those lovely features as she ever and anon peers through the darkness. What is it that has brought Angelina out into the chill night air ? Is she waking for hoi- dad, who has just stepped into the hotel to wet his whistle, or doth the. oblivious Abigail tarry with the supper beer?

Chapter lll.—Stolen Interviews.

A distant footstep breaks the stillness of the night. Nearer and nearer it conies. The maiden's heart is palpitating, and her eyes strain through the darkness to catch the first glimpse of the approaching stranger. A form flits by, reconnoitres the scene, and then the figure,' evidently that of an animal of the male species, softly steals to the side of Angelina. The sight of two heads under the same " whispering hat," a sound resembling the twisting of an obstinate champagne cork, two deep-drawn sighs, a voice in mellifluous accents exclaiming, " Angelina, me own Angelina !" and a soft response, half smothered against a man's waistcoat, " Me own Tommy!" Rut we draw a veil over the scene. Enough for us that two tender and loving hearts beat in unison—

Two sools with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one. » * * * *

Suddenly a shrill cry of anguish startles-the ear, carrying terror to the heart of a tomcat, wliich is melodiously serenading a tortoise-shell up a peach tree, and disturbthe nocturnal slumbers of the Shanghai roosters. What midnight marauder, what sacrilegious intruder, dares to disturb the holy calm of this lovely scene? A deep bass voico jars upon the ear, accompanied with sounds resembling the descent of a flail upon a barn-floor. " Oh, my ! Oh ! Oh! Don't !" " Don't, pa ! Please don't! pray don't 1" "You infernal (swish) youug rascal! (swish) 111 teach (swish) yer to come sneaking (swish) here alter my gal !" (swish).

Chapter iv.— Despair,

Despair reigns in the soul of Tom Brown, and his skin is ornamented with long stripes, after the manner of a zebra. He sits surrounded by arnica and embrocations. To Tom the world is all awry. He is at war with society ; he is a social Ishmael. The—ahem—the tempter is busy with Tom. Shall he secretly assassinate old Smith, bury him in some remote place, and cany off Angelina to some far-off shore? What right has such a father to possess an angel like Angelina ? Tom's thoughts wander away to. tlie days of childhood and " Beauty and the Beast."

Suddenly the stillness is broken by the shrill voice of a small boy: " E-E-E— NIN Sta-r-r-r! Great News about the Telepho-o-one I

To buy a copy of that paper is the work of a few seconds. Eagerly does Brown scan the paper, and rapidly does he peruse the article, headed "The Telephone." When he has finished he falls into a deep reverie, from which he suddenly awakes, slappiug his forehead, aud exclaiming, "Ha! ha! Eureka !

Tom hastens to the grocer's, obtains a reel of cotton aud two mustard tins, and borrows a piece of parchment aud two pins from his friend the lawyer's clerk, next door.

Chapter v.—The Plot.

In tbe very witching hours of night, when churchyards yawn and graves give up their dead, Tom Brown might have been seen—in fact I may as well say at once, he was seen, and that by old Smith —stretching his cotton from a hiding place in a neighbouring group of Norfolk Island piues to Angelina's window. Old Smith, who was armed" with a doublebarrelled gun, watched the operation with the deepest interest, and when he saw the mustard tin fixed on Angelina's windowsill, he laid the forefinger of his right hand parallel with his nasal organ, and whispered softly unto himself." " Well, blame me, if this 'ere mod'uu skyance ain't a goin' too fur. Goin' to steal our gals by tallygraf t, are they ? Well, less-see," and old Smitb, having watched the retiring form of young Brown, went softly into his house, cogitating on the situation.

Chapter vi.—Sweet Communion,

" Now doth Apollo harness his fleet steeds, aud well," I forget the rest of the quotation, but, to make a long story short, the sun is up, or down—as I don't know anything about astronomy I shan't descend to particulars..

Angelina has risen from her downy coucl. m. removed her curl papers, and gone to assist W her ma in the preparation of the mornin* fmeal, and old Smith has stolen softly ____£, lithe apartment. J w | m '' Angelina—a—a—a." I-'-Old Smith peeps slyly through the cur tains, and perceives young Brown in tT.» If shelter of that Norfolk Island pine. ne k "Angelina—a—a—a." * m " Ve —e —e—s d—e—e— ar." , |: " Fly with mc—c—c." f ' " Where, oh, where shall we | the keen eyes of a cer—ru—u—el par—ar— f

"To Howick. Meet me to-night at the old willow tre—e—e." " I will, love. Father's coming." Chapter vii.—The Meeting of the Lover..

In the darkness Browu approaches thetry sling place. Dimly he perceives the figure of his beloved in travelling attire beneath the shadow of the old tree. He i rushes forward, aud is clasped in a power, fnl embrace. " I'll teach yer to try to steal my gal by tallygraft, I will," sayz> a manly voice, as a strong horsewhip descends upon Smith's person. Let us dry our eyes, aud hasten to draw a veil over the scene.

Moral.--Beware of attempting to steal " our gals " by telephone.

YE END.