Varieties.

Auckland Star, Volume VI, Issue 1752, 25 September 1875, Page 5 (Supplement)

Varieties.

- He had a jockey style of cap on, a leather band around his waist, his trouser legs tucked inside his boots, and was, aged 15. ' Milk and spelling-matches for babies,' he exclaimed, curling his upper lip ; ' but as for me, gimme football!' Dean Stanley, at a recent newspaper press dinner in London, told how St, Jerome never went to a public meeting or iDto a pulpit^without having ten reporters in his suite, and that it was even, said that St. Augustine always had sixteen with him. The Caledonian Line.—Scene—Mother* well Junction. —Arrival of a train from Glasgow.—Porter on the platform-?; ' Motherwell! Motherwell!' /Pleasant; face irom a third class carriage looks oht and replies —' She is very well, I thank you.' Cheek kills fewer men in America than in any country in the world. Why is the capital of Turkey like a • whimsical patient ? Because it's constant to no pill. Storekeepers in the villages tyf Northern Wisconsin are using grasshoppers wings for awning. L , 'Allow that Job was .patient,'; said an1 old farmer, 'but he never seen a'determined Shanghai hen settin' on a nestof biled eggs.' A party of belated gentlemen, about a certain hour, began to think of home and their wives' displeasure, and urged » departure. ' Never mind,' said one of the guests, • fifteen minutes can make do difference ; my wife is as mad now ai she can be.' Mrs. Snob is expecting a visit from Lord Vaurien: Mrs. Snob-Has no one called, Mary ?' Mary (freshly caught) —'Oh, yes, mum; there was a party as said he was a lord, but I wasn't to M took in; I told him if he didn't book it I'd send for a policeman, and slammed the door in his face,' If a man wishes to cruelly lacerate the, feelings of an acquaintance he remarks: 'A cow regards your feet with complacency,' and upon being questioned vrny» he answers : ' Because she would see at,» glance that her-hide wouldn't have to i>« cut down very much to make shoes for them.' ■! A lumberman being but poorly V& vided with materials of sustenance for h" men, fed them with pork cooked with tnfl rind upon it. A young man cf the company, not liking that outer portion of tW food, was observed by the host to «* carefully removing the outside coveringWhereupon mine host said,' Young man, we eat rind and all here.' To which :«»:.; youth replied, * All right, old man; A* j cutting it off for you.' First Chicago Boy—'l say, ■'Tvovffy there is no water. It's frozen everywhere.' Second Boy 'Bully! Majl * we wont have to wash ourselves » middle of spring!' ; .Little Girl—And O, Major Dyer. A»' had such a lovely dress on—green, W know, but something the color of""°J^ I dear me !—of your whiske/s.— L;Kp decline to print the major's. aym speech, made immediately afterward..! ~ Scotchman > (to English Touri«t)<| ' Toot awaa, ma man ' toot awaa.-dinnaJ.. boast sac much aboot yer.-am ■ conning, dinna ye ken that it was, only «» Breetin till Scotland cam't ye, an thenj became Great Breetin ?--Ay, an f ■ remained Great ever since. Yea «»» pair lot left to yeneli I'm