Flashes of Fun.

Auckland Star, Volume VI, Issue 1621, 24 April 1875, Page 6 (Supplement)

Flashes of Fun.

The end which all like to come to—A dividend. A good butcher is the carver of his own fortune. Miners search for gold in vein, but often see quartz of it. A bad thing to put up with—An unaccommodating landlord. The Irish are a hopeful people j (hey always try to wake the dead. Tim is a grate prospect, as the prisoner said pseping out of his cell window. There is nothing cc rigidly Catholic as an umbrella ; it keeps lent the year round. Spicer cays a fire-place always reminds him of Shakespeare, because it is a grate barred. A work on ' Greek Roots' was lately called for by a gardener in one of our public libraries. AVhat is that which has a mouth and never speaks, and a bed and never sleeps ? A river. Y^hy is the end of a fish's tail like the Prince Imperial of France ? Because it is the last of the bony-parts. Why is Neptuue like the man who searched for the philosopher's stone ? Because lie was a sea king what never existed. Mr. Naylle, of Toronto, was knocked down by mistake for another man, recently. He hopes they'll hit the right Naylle on the head next time.

Bettee Off Than Himself.—'For Heaven's sake lend me five dollars,' said a destitute man to his friend; ' I have had nothing in my house to eat, for four days, but rice.' ' Rice' said the other, ' if 1 had known you had rice, I would have come around to dinner.' The five dollars were not forthcoming.

The ease with which the English language can be acquired by foreigners will |L- understood after a perusal of the fol"^W|£e make me some dumplings of dongh, Tli^re better than meat for my cough ; Pray leWiem boiled till hot through But noirffl^ they'ro heavy or tough. Now —I must be off to the plough, And the boys, when they've had enough, ! Must keep the flies off with a bough, While the old mare drinks at the trough." Resiaekable Incident.—On Friday morning the following singular incident occurred : T. F. Hudson's canary bird usually sits on the counter, in his store, just opposite the show window. A sparrow hawk, starting from one of the oak trees in the plaza, which faces the store, made a plunge for the bird, and brought up with such force against the plate glass that it fell dead upon the sidewalk, its skull crushed and eyes protruding from their sockets. This was an enterprising forager; one leg had been shot away, and part of the remaining claw, and still the bird was in good condition. The plate-glass window was the mistake of its life,

Keen were his pangs, but keener far to feel, He nursed the pinion which impelled the "steal." —Sonoma Democrat, January 16th. Too Late Foe Him.—A student was reprimanded by his professor for his lateness at morning prayers, and excused •himself on the plea that the prayer took place too late. ' How ?' said the professor ; is six o'clock too late ?' ' Yes, sir,' replied the strident. •If you had them about four I could attend; but no man could be expected to stay up till six.'

Bishop Ames tells a story of a slave master in Missouri, in the olden time of negro vassalage, who said to his chattel: "Pompey, 1 hear you are a great preaoher.' 'Yes, massa, de Lord do help me powerful sometimes.' ' Well, Pompey, don't you think the negroes steal little things on the plantation ?' * Vac mighty 'fraid they does, massa.' 'Then, Popniey, I want you to preach a sermon to the negroes against stealing,' After a brief reflection Pcmpey replied : ' You see, massa dat would never do, 'cause 'twould trow such a col'ness over de meetin'.'

At a Eegustbab's Obtice.—' What's your name?' 'John Button.' 'What are you?' ' I mean are you a bachelor ?' Noa. I'm a plain farmer.' cYes. But what's your condition ?' ' Middlin.' ' Have you been married before ?' ' Noa.' * Then you are a bachelor.' 'You knows best, Sir I dessay' 'Is your intended wife a spinster ?' Noa, not she.' , A widow, then ?' ' Noa she bain't.' But she must be one — is she a spinster?' 'SToa. She knows naught of spinning.' 'Is she a single woman ?' ' Yea, she be.' ' Then shew a spinster.' 'You knows beet, sir, I dessay.' [and yet they say Gtoveruinent officials are all overpaid."]— -Judy.

A young man who knows all about it, states his experience has taught him that a flirt is a fool who delights in fooling fools, as the fool who is fooled by such a fool is the foolishest kind of a foo\.